As I read the description of this blog its hard to believe I am talking about ME. This was not suppose to happen. You raise your child with love and do your best and hope that any mistakes you make will not result in any serious damage.
Then something happens and everything about life changes...your child becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol.
People say "its not your fault, you did the best you could". Al-Anon says the most important thing to remember is the three "C's": You did not Cause it, You can not Control it, You can not Cure it.
I believe those things on the surface but deep down inside of course I blame myself! How could I not?!? He's my son.
Sometimes I find myself envying other partents that have husbands or wives. Doing this alone sucks and I also blame myself for bringing him into the world with a good-for-nothing father that proved to be even more disappointing than my already low expectations of him.
Short story on that: At age 30 I got pregnant by my ex-boyfriend. I did not love him, he did not love me. It was a one-night-stand with someone I felt comfortable with and had previously dated for two years.
When K was born "Bio Dad" showed a bit of interest, but not much. He would visit him for once a month for a few hours. No child support. K would never quite get comfortable around his bio dad because once a month is not enough to really bond. When K turned 12 I was struggling financially and filed for child support (I asked nicely at first but he said "if you force me to pay you I will never see K again").
Well, that ticked me off. It took a year to get the paperwork through the system and then I started getting monthly checks and the monthly visits stopped. Now bio dad would see K on his birthday and Christmas only (both in December).
By this time K had figured it out and decided he hated his dad. Of course what he really feels is hurt, rejection, and less valuable to him than his precious paycheck.
So yes, I blame myself for a lot of the reasons K decided to take the drug route. I searched high and low (at church and the Christian ministry I worked at) for a positive male role model to take K under his wing. A few men said they'd invite him along the next time they took their sons fishing or dirt bike riding, but they never did. The pastor of my church even met with me to develop a plan to help K when he was starting to show signs of rebellion, but nothing ever became of the plan. I don't blame these men - they have their own families, why should they reach out to a lonely boy craving the attention of an adult male (pardon my bitterness, it just burned in my heart as I wrote this, it will pass).
So K started latching on to any male that would pay attention to him...they guy that served us bagels every Sunday who was super cool and nice, the men we met trap shooting at the gun club, and a few others. But of course they were just strangers being friendly.
Then when he was 17 he met Jon at the gym. Jon was so cool, totally buffed out, and he immediately became K's body building mentor. When I met Jon and his girlfriend K told me that they went to the local community college and they were both so friendly I was glad he had some nice friends...though it did bother me a bit that they were older.
Well, I am not blaming Jon, I am just explaining HOW K got into heroin. Jon and his girlfriend introduced it to Keven and that was it. He became hooked immediately. He started using last October but I didn't know how serious it was until December (denial?).
So a nice kid with a mom who loves him meets another nice kid who's mom and dad love him (Jon has caring parents, a nurse and a businessman of some sort). Heroin addiction isn't just for hardcore druggies. Its happening to our CHILDREN in nice middle class neighborhoods where you don't even have to lock your doors cause crime is almost non-existent.
I just wanted to get this post out of the way. Sort of an introduction to my son and how he got started. It only took ONE TIME. O N E T I M E.