November 30, 2011

Off Topic...

How  many of you sing along with the radio out LOUD while driving?  I had to run an errand at lunch and got some great songs to belt out:

Janis, "Piece of My Heart"
U2, "In the Name of Love"
Queen, "Someone to Love"
Michael, "Man in the Mirror"
Green Day, "Wake Me Up When September Comes".

Janis was the best.  So sad that we lost her to the drug this blog is about :(

So - do you sing along?  If so, when alone or with others?  and most importantly, who's your favorites to sing along with?

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 29, 2011

5150 (Updated with a link to a must read post!)

Last night I was getting my hair cut and weaved by my wonderful friend/hairstylist when I got a call from Keven.  He said he was somewhere in Santa Ana and didn't know where he was but that he was scared.  He said he'd been surrounded by cops with tasers (really?  then why aren't you in jail?).  He insisted that I come and get him.

Don't worry - I didn't do it!  He was angry and called half an hour later to tell me not to bother coming to get him (I had already said I wasn't) because he'd called 911 on himself.

I went to bed.  I got up this morning (day off) walked the dogs, visited my aunt, stopped by to visit Anthony's grandparents, read blog....etc.  Eventually I got a call from a hospital in SA from a psychiatric nurse.  We chatted and she told me she was recommending a transfer to St. Joseph's "Level 1" (i.e. 5150/involuntary hold).

Keven called later and I asked him where his belongings were he said they were safe but with someone he didn't want me to know about.  Ok.  Whatever.  Then he asked me to bring him some stuff (underwear, socks, etc) and I said I would bring him those things tomorrow after work because I'd be much closer to St. Joe's but I wasn't in the mood to drive in traffic tonight.

Wow, was he pissed.  When we hung up I said my usual "I love you" and he said "I love you too....I guess".

Anthony's grandmother said "now you know why I prefer to be angry all the time, it sure beats being worried or sad!"

I know I don't HAVE to bring him jack crap, but I choose to bring him some essentials and I'll admit - I'm curious what a visit with him will be like.

PAMMIE'S BLOG POST IS A MUST READ.  Its not an easy read, but once again she's helped me by speaking from the addicts point of view.  I know Keven has never felt right inside, I started noticing that when he was just a young kid.  I also know that he will never  be a "normie" which tears me up inside.  But the most important thing I got from her is that there is NOTHING I can do to help him.  There's nothing any of us can do.  They have to want it.  Thankfully, Anthony finally does.  We'll see about Keven.

Read her post HERE

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 28, 2011

Its so much easier when you're pissed off

Hi Everyone,
I am reading and re-reading the comments left yesterday. I even print some out to carry with me!

Just a quick update:

I slept well last night, although my phone rang at 3:30 am (I had it on vibrate but still heard it). It was "you know who" calling with this scheme of how I could get money from his bank to my bank and take it out of my ATM for him since he doesn't have an ATM card. I ran down to my bank immediately and got out all the money he wanted....

JUST KIDDING. I told him he was crazy for even asking such a thing and hung up (turned the phone back off and went back to sleep without too much trouble. I have not heard from him today and am not planning to answer if he calls.

Peace Hope and LOTS of Love,


November 27, 2011

He's Officially Homeless

I don't know what aches more -my heart or my stomach, both both feel sick.

We (his family and friends) have done all we can for him.  We did a lot.  None of it helped enough.  So he's on his own.  I know he's in a drug infested area of Anaheim staying in one of those gross motels that charge by the day.

He asked me to get him an apt. with a psychiatrist to get back on his meds, so I will do that much for him since he has no way of looking up names on the internet.  He does have a phone, I am thankful for that but have to not answer when he calls - he can leave me voice mails and I will decide if I want to call back.

Not much else to say except that this is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and if you know my history, I've been through a lot.

Dear God, please keep him safe.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 26, 2011

I Turned Him Away (and faced the facts)

Before I update you I want to share some comments left on my last post, that were spot on. Of course I don't always see the truth when I look at my son, its called denial and I still relapse into it.

I've realized that I"ve gotten lazy in my own recovery over the last year because I had very little to do with Keven's life, the court was in charge of his every move. Now he's in charge of his every move (with probation violations over his head already) and I am in charge of taking care of myself and accepting that the consequences of his choices are going to be his best teacher.

Every comment I get has been so helpful lately. Here's three from the last post that were 100% true and helpful and appreciated:

"Maybe they "see" something you don't, with him being your son.
I hate always sounding like the downer here, but I see it from the addicts point.  Either way you are doing right to leave him to sort it out. Stay strong. With love."  Bugerlugs  (you're not a downer!  your comments help me so much, I cherish getting an addict's point of view and I think you're an amazing, funny, honest person) 
"It kind of makes me sad that Ant has taken on Keven's problems. When my son got clean, many of his "buddies" decided to get clean. My son suddenly became responsible for them, making phone calls to arrange sober living, etc.
Don't get me wrong, I was proud and happy that there would be fewer addicts roaming the streets thanks to my son, but early recovery is a time to focus on self."  Notmyboy  (I've been really concerned about this to but Ant let go of him last night, realizing that he did all he could and that being around him further would conflict with his own recovery.  I'm proud of Ant for taking that stand and pissed that Keven didn't take the hand that was held out to him to get him situated in a good place).
"Ok, but you do understand why they don't trust him, right? Its been less than a week since his last upset. These are the natural consequences of a life being lived in addiction. If you behave in an untrustworthy manner, then people won't trust you when you really need them to and want them to.  God will open another door, but maybe for a day or two or however long, this is something he needs to experience."  Annette  (Duh to me.  Yes, I do now because I was in denial for two days thinking he was ready because I WANTED IT SO BAD.  It would be funny if it weren't so true.  Thanks, Sweetie).
What happened:

They would not let Keven in last night (wise choice on their part).  Anthony got Keven to admit that he'd been using Bath Salts for two days (I knew something was going on but as I said above, chose to look away, denial is so powerful and its embarrassing how easily it got a hold of me again).

So they tried to get him into three detox places, none would take him (don't know exactly why, didn't even ask).  At the third detox Keven went in the bathroom and used bath salts again while Ant was waiting for him outside!!!!  That was the point when Ant just left him there and texted me saying he'd done all he could do.  He had already taken Keven's wallet, money and cell phone and left him with "nothing but the program".

Keven called four times between 10:30 - 12:30, each time I said "figure it out, but you're not coming home and I'm not coming to get you".  I did provide him with a phone number of his "mentor/sponsor" ("I'll call him Bob) but that was all the help I was willing to give.

Eventually Bob went and got him, took him to the hospital cause he was concerned at how high he was, then called me at 3:30 am to tell me he was taking Keven home to clean up and then try to find a program for him today.  Bob is someone who has known Keven for years, has a family, is a recovered addict himself.

Believe it or not, I slept well all night, other than waking up for the calls.  I am concerned but focusing on other things today - like the gorgeous day outside and taking my dog to a new place to walk after I have my allotment of coffee.

Thanks again to each of you for your patience with me, your words of wisdom and insight, and for being honest (in some cases brutally honest) because I need it and I can take it.

I'll end with a text from Anthony after I filled him in on what happened with Keven after he left him, I told him that I was glad he chose to step away, I didn't want him to think I was upset about that.  He wrote back:

"Your feelings are not to be questioned.  You are doing the right thing.  You are growing, Mom, and through this you will prevail.  I love you dearly".

I think he's right.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

PS  This is what Bath Salts do to you (he's been injecting it!)  I highlighted the symptoms I've seen in him each time he uses this dangerous stuff:

MDPV acts as a stimulant and has been reported to produce effects similar to those of cocainemethylphenidate, andamphetamines.[1] The acute effects may include:[1][10]

[edit]Physiological/Psychological effects

  • kidney pain
  • tinnitus
  • dizziness
  • overstimulation
  • breathing difficulty
  • agitation/hypertonia
  • severe paranoia
  • confusion
  • psychotic delusions
  • extreme anxiety/agitation, sometimes progressing to violent behavior
  • suicidal thoughts/actions
Psychiatric symptoms may persist. Physical symptoms may progress to rhabdomyolysis, renal failure, seizures, high anion gap metabolic acidosis, respiratory failure, or liver failure.

November 25, 2011


As planned Keven went up to 3rd Step House tonight and even though they told him he could live there - the main guy changed his mind and said NO.  Keven is not high or anything, the main guy just doesn't trust him.  It makes me mad because Keven wants this and if they don't give him a chance how will he prove himself?

I'm staying out of it.  He's with Anthony trying to figure something out, like where to stay tonight!

Oh, and the movie was full so we didn't get to see George Clooney today but I had a wonderful time with my friend (we've been friends since high school!)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Today is the Day

"Every day can be Thanksgiving"
~ Syd

That was the comment Syd left yesterday and its so true.  Some days its harder to find the good and/or to be thankful, but I've never lost my gratefulness through this nightmare of addiction.  I'm well aware of how blessed I am in so many ways.

Yesterday we had both Keven and Anthony at our dinner table with the rest of my family (10 people total).  It was a beautiful thing to see my mom and Anthony hug, a long tearful hug full of forgiveness from her, and for him - he felt he totally undeserving.

Keven spent one last night here and today my sister will drive him up to 3rd Step House (I have plans to hang out with a friend and see a movie today - new George Clooney, review later).

This is going to be different than anything he has done before.  He says he wants it, he's ready, and for me to not worry because he'll be fine.  So I'm taking his word for it.

I've learned a lot about myself over the last week.  It was a horrible week in so many ways, but also an good week.

Did I tell you Keven invited me to a speaker meeting Wed. night and we went together?  The speaker was one of his best friend's uncle.  Kev thought it was the best speaker meeting he's ever been to.  I enjoyed it too, I love AA mtgs way more than Al-Anon.  I've never felt the love and support in an Al-Anon meeting but it just exudes from most AA mtgs.  This one was in a dirty, smelly old building in downtown Los Angeles, (not something I'm used to but I felt comfortable there). A few people stared at us like "where the hell are they from?" but we were welcome by all.

The speaker even used Keven in the beginning of his talk (they had met on the phone earlier that day and spent over an hour talking).  I met a woman who had lost her daughter to heroin at age 20.  She herself was struggling with her own sobriety but she sought me out and hugged me and was full of smiles.

So today he starts a new chapter of his sobriety.  He has one week clean.  I am going to sleep good tonight.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving 2011

Happy Thanksgiving!

My thanks for this year:

~ My son is alive and has more hope today than he's had since he started using

~ Family and friends who love and care about me

~ YOU (everyone who reads here, you are my support, encouragement and teachers)

~ Sugar, she makes me laugh, she brings me joy, she gives me someone to spoil like crazy, she loves me unconditionally

~ Anthony's 5 months of sobriety and his positive influence on Keven

~ The 12 Steps and the AA Fellowship - it really is life changing, I've been watching it change lives

~ All the usual:  I have all I need, I am healthy,

November 22, 2011


As naive as this sounds, I didn't realize to what degree I have been enabling my son all this time.  Seriously - don't laugh (or cry).  I mean, I know I am a huge co-dependent with him and that I had enabled him in many ways, but I thought I had gotten better.  I'm not even sure why I thought that .... oh wait I know!  Because he was always in jail or rehab so I didn't have to be face to face with his manipulation as often.

Please don't stop leaving me comments, even when they hurt my feelings or kick me in the butt, I want them.

I did bring Keven his clothes and the rent money for the week.  I don't think that was wrong.  This is going to be the toughest thing he has done in the last four years so I rather him not have to have added anxiety and frustration by not having clothes, a razor, etc.

Plus, now I feel closure.  He has all his stuff.  I don't have his stuff.  I am hoping we have as little contact as possible for the next month - even though his birthday is Dec. 7, I don't even know if we should see each other for that.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 21, 2011


I took down the post I had hear because I did the wrong thing and I know it.
The only justification I have for texting Anthony is that Keven was trying to get a hold of him but didn't know he had a phone (he just got one this morning).

either way i just hope he's ok

He's Not Done

I didn't sleep much last night.  He texted me from the hospital and said they discharged him but would let him stay in the room until 7:00 or 8:00 am.  He told me he might just go on a run cause he's not done yet.   He said he's very scared and doesn't know what to do.  He has no money, no ID, nothing.  I am just trying to stay numb and not feel and let go.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 20, 2011

From the Mouth of a Recovering Addict...

First of all, I can't say  how much all the comments mean to me.

Keven and I came to an agreement.  He's on his own and is not going to call me for at least 30 days.  I agreed to drop his stuff off at Third Step House (if they still accept him) but that's it.  He has to find a ride there.  He has no wallet, no money, and only the clothes on his back, but he has his cell phone.  I know that each time I help him its like saying "You are incapable of doing this yourself" which makes him feel like less of a man (thank you Ron).

I also got a call from Anthony who is doing "excellent".  He makes a brief call to me each day to tell me he's doing great and ask how I am and tell me he loves me.  Today we talked a bit longer and talked about Keven.

He said something like, "I don't want to hurt you by saying this, but I have to say it.  You HAVE TO STOP ENABLING HIM.  You have to completely let go and let him figure everything out himself.  EVERYTHING.  Get out the Big Book and read Chapters 7 - 10.  You need to take care of yourself and let Keven take care of himself."

Ha.  Nothing he said was new - its a repeat of what all you wonderful people are saying, but hearing it from him was priceless.  He also called Keven and and said something like (this may be wrong but you'll get the gist) "Think of all your problems and then think of how to solve each one.  Okay, so that's overwhelming.  Think of your one problem (addiction) and you know how to solve it.  Get into 3rd Step, get a sponsor, and let him TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.  Just do whatever he says.  Its that simple.  Just keep doing that for the next 90 days."

Also, thank you Jackie for the comment.  I think hearing from people like you and Anthony and  Bugerlugs, and BMelon, and others who have been there, helps me immensely.

Its raining here.  I love the rain.  I am going to work very hard at enjoying the rest of my day.

Peace, Hope and Extra Amounts of Love, Barbara

Thank You and the Latest Update

I think when one is weak, the others that care about them can be there strength and your comments are my strength and my sanity right now.  What would I do without all of you?  Very few people can understand and/or have the wisdom.

I need to STEP BACK and that's what I'm doing.

So they didn't 5150 him after all because there were no beds open in the mental health unit.   He continued to call/text and try to manipulate, threaten, beg etc. for me to come get him or help him in some way.  I had my phone on vibrate so I only took some of the calls and texts and then finally I fell asleep.  As far as I know he's still there.

I'm so scared for his future.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 19, 2011

I cant' take this much longer

UPDATE:  They just 5150'd him, he did something to make them think he was a threat to himself.  I don't even want to talk about this anymore.

Let go let go let go let go....

Things have gotten worse today.  They told him at 10 this morning they would send a dr. to see him to put him on meds.  Its 7:20 still no doctor.  He's calling me and freaking out,  sounding totally unstable, begging me to come get him, etc. etc.

I know I should not answer the phone but I don't want him to feel like he's all alone and I don't want him to leave the hospital.

I haven't eaten all day cause I can't.  Its amazing how fast you can go from feeling stronger to feeling like you're about to lose it.

Thanks for all the comments.  I know everyone is right.  I just don't know how much more I can take of this and am weak, scared shitless, worried, etc. etc. etc.

He's definitely got some major psychological problems on top of the addiction.  I've been trying to get him help for that for years but no one has been able to figure him out.

What am I suppose to do.

He's in the Hospital

I've only had a few hours sleep so I am not totally coherent.

I don't know where to begin, so I'll start with the ending and make this short.  Its painful to think about, but I want to share what's going on.

He obviously used.  He can't spend even one night in our house, I should have known better but whatever.

He used a lot and showed up at his new Recovery Home messed up and Anthony took one look at him and he started crying.  It was a bad scene.  I took him to the hospital to detox so he could go back there in three days with a fresh start.

At the hospital they gave him way too much Ativan and he hallucinated and basically freaked out for several hours as I sat by his bedside trying to keep him calm.  Finally, after several hours, I had to get home so I just left him like that.  It was hard.

He let out so many emotions that and fears that have been building up for years.  He admitted he still "sees things" and wonders is he needs to see a psychiatrist again.

But the long and short of this story is:  He said that he has hit his emotional bottom and its ten times worse than any physical pain, financial loss, incarceration, ruined relationships, etc.  He is suffering and afraid - yet in the midst of that he's also determined to do this, and do it on his own.  He asked me to completely let him have control of everything, he wants to do everything on his own (for example I offered to make a call for him and he said he wants to do everything himself because he knows that's part of recovery).

So, dear friends, here we are at another crossroads.   I have no idea what will happen next.  His PO may violate him - he says he doesn't even care.  (90 days county).  We'll see.

Thanks for caring.   I love my son more than anything.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 18, 2011

Good Riddance

Warning:  I am in a bad mood, bitter, angry and sick of it all.  So you may choose to skip this post if you're trying to avoid negative energy!

Kev was at home one night (last night) between places to stay.  Everything seemed great.  His friend was gone by 9, he was in his room watching TV at 10 when I fell asleep.  He'd been courteous and responsible all afternoon.

Then he stole my mom's car.  We didn't know till this morning and have no idea what time he got home.  He tried to lie about it, well he DID lie about it.  He says he didn't go far but the gas tank says otherwise.

I can't wait to get him out of the house tonight and gone Gone GONE.  I never thought I'd feel this way, actually wanting him as far away from me as possible.  I really don't think he grasps the concept that he is truly ON HIS OWN and that he will have to accept the word "no" often.

NO I will not do ____________________ for you.  Pretty much fill in the blank.  The only thing I will do for him is drive him to his Dr. Apts. if they are impossible to get to by bus and drive him home for Thanksgiving and Christmas (if he wants to come, which I really don't care if he does or not).

I don't know where his head's at, but he just signed up for a very rigorous and no-bullshit program with some guys that have no hesitation throwing his ass out if he doesn't cooperate or messes up (they already called to find out if I was the kind of mom that would throw a fit if her baby was tossed out in the street and I told them to toss away if need be).

I am just SICK and tired of this crap.  I left a comment somewhere today about how much energy is taken up even when we AREN'T letting them infiltrate our lives - its always under the surface, the worry and the fear and the anger, so even when we feel strong, we still have to keep pushing those negatives away which in itself is painful and annoying.  Like right now, I am sitting here with a huge rock in my stomach (so it feels) an ache in my chest (anger ache, not heart ache) trying to be happy and focus and think about other things.  It just isn't that easy.

I want him out, I want him away from me.  I am tired of him.

Anthony, on the other hand, has been a blessing in my life the last few days.  Believe it or not.  Yes, that could change in a second, but I'll enjoy it as long as it lasts (and maybe it will last).

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 17, 2011

No cancer :)

FYI,  I got the results of the biopsy back and I'm good, thanks for your concern and prayers, its never fun waiting to hear the results!

Lou's comment to Keven moving to the same place as Anthony was "it sounds scary".  I agree it does.  But I am dealing with it one moment at a time and going to remain positive and hopeful until something happens to prove otherwise.

I can't allow myself to stress out over things I can't control.  This is his first time being really on his own - so I'm hoping that it helps him feel better about himself and lessens the anxiety that he's constantly plagued with.  We all KNOW that if you're not doing anything wrong, you don't have to worry about getting busted - but Keven can't comprehend that concept, he worries even when he's clean and abiding every law and rule on earth.  I hope that lessens for him.

He moves in there tomorrow.

Hope everyone is having a good week.  Can you believe Thanksgiving is next Thursday!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 16, 2011

Would You Want to Be Someone's "Idol"?

Yesterday was a long, but good, day.  Anthony was released at 2 pm and I brought his brother with me to pick him up so they could have some time together.  We got his clothes and I bought him some ice cream at Coldstone, (I wanted some but was disciplined!).  Then we dropped by PMF to give Keven some calling cards for the payphone and he was allowed to come out and say hello to us.   It was a very noisy and happy reunion, they hadn't seen each other in a long time.  I then dropped Ant off at 3rd Step where he will be living and drove his brother home.

So the title of this post - Both Younger Brother and Keven (and probably others that I don't know of) seem to idolize Anthony.  He is a leader, he is very charismatic, he is just so cool and interesting and good looking and has talent, huge muscles, wild stories and lots of tattoos.  What's not to idolize right? 

I had never really spent time with both Anthony and Younger Brother so  was a bit shocked  by just how much YB looks up to him.  I actually felt bad for YB, he loves his brother so much and didn't understand why Ant chose to go to a program for a YEAR if he didn't have to.  He kept talking about "how will we spend time together".  Anthony gave YB some solid advice and kept assuring him that he was his top priority, after recovery.

How do you live up to other's expectations when they think of you this way?  How does it feel when all eyes are on you and you know that if you walk the road of recovery, others will follow; but they will also follow if you jump back into the ugliness of heroin?  Seeing and hearing both Keven and YB with him yesterday was an eye-opener to just how much weight he pulls with those two.

My son has been looking for a leader, a big brother, someone that he feels safe with, looks up to, etc., all his life.  I knew the first time I met Anthony that Keven had found that guy but it broke my heart at his choice.  Yes, Anthony has some great qualities, but he's an addict with a long criminal record, a totally messed up life, etc.  But he "had Keven's back" and that's all that mattered.  I want to believe he's changed, but you know how that goes.

I asked Anthony how it felt to have these two younger guys looking at him with such admiration and he told me it was scary, the pressure was on and he didn't want to let them down.  I reminded him that they had to make their own choices and he said "Yeah, but you know they'll do what I do".

Its true.  They will.  And that scares the crap out of me but there's not much I can do but hope that he keeps his new life philosophy intact now that he's a free man.....and pray that even if he chooses to use, that Keven will choose NOT to follow.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

P.S.  He kept saying over and over that he was so thankful to the cops who arrested him because this was a turning point in his life.  I want desperately to believe that.

November 14, 2011

Breathe - Refocus - Don't Stress

That has been my mantra today.

Big things happening with both guys at the same time.  Anthony's 4 month jail stay is over tonight at midnight (or, please dear God, make it tomorrow at noon instead!).  The plan is for me to pick him up, get him to probation and parole, pick up his clothes from the ex gf, say hello to his brother and then drop him off at 6 pm tomorrow evening at his new home, 3rd Step House.

Kev is also wanting to go to 3rd Step House.  He is being interviewed by them today (I hope) and they will decide if he's right for their program.  I know what we are all thinking:  He only wants to go there because of Anthony.  I agree that its a huge part of it, but not the only reason.

3rd Step is a HARDCORE program that does not mess around.  They attend 13 meetings per week, volunteer at a detox center two evenings a week, must hold down a full time job, work the entire 12 Steps rigorously in 90 days with a sponsor.

Ant* plans to stay a year, I don't know about Keven.

Oig vay.

I will keep you posted.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

*Anthony is working a great program, has changed his thinking and his attitude.  BUT, that was behind bars.  Now the real test.

November 11, 2011

Better Day

I talked to Keven today and me actually made me laugh.  I called the payphone and asked for him, when he came on he used a fake voice and said "Keven is no longer here....." and for a split second I wondered if it was him or not.  But, this is one of his favorite games since childhood - trying to disguise his voice and say something outrageous to get to Mom.  I could see him smiling (in my mind's eye).  Finally I said. "KEVEN!  I know this is you!!!"  and he laughed.  I laughed too.

What a much better conversation than yesterday.  He seemed much more settled and compliant and nice.  He told me they put him on Risperdal yesterday because he was acting psychotic.  Wow - its been two years since he's been on that med.  Maybe he needs it?

I am not convinced that he has bi-polar or schizo-affective disorder, but he's been diagnosed with either/or.  I'm not going to worry about it.  He's doing better today.  I got to laugh with him.  Things are much better.  One day at a time.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Changed the Name of this Blog

The other day I was contemplating changing the name of this blog to reflect the next phase in my journey through Keven's addiction.  I asked for suggestions, I liked several, but then kind of decided just to leave "Recovery Happens".

But today I don't feel like Recovery Happens is appropriate, today I feel like this is MY LIFE and its HIS ADDICTION.

I can't tell you how sad it makes me that I've reached this point where, rather than compassionately understanding what he's going through, I feel like telling him to leave me alone.  I never thought I'd feel this way about him.  I still love him with all my being, but I don't like him very much.

I thought he'd come so far - but I was wrong.  He absolutely hates the rehab he's in right now, and I'm sure its more just his attitude than anything that's going on there.

(Although there have been a few things that upset me, for example:  I'm at the doctor yesterday and I get a voicemail from his PO asking if I know where my son is!!!  I freaked out.  I called PMF (rehab) and got put on voicemail.  I called back PO, her line was busy.  I call PMF again and insist that they find someone that can tell me if Keven ran or if he's still there.  Yes - he was still there, someone told his PO he was NOT there.  So, that was my near heart attack for the day.)

So, here I sit trying to live my life with the knowledge that my beloved son wants nothing to do with me, that he thinks he knows what's best for him.  He has no humility, no surrender.  Where the F has all his knowledge of recovery gone?  I guess in one ear and out the other.

Tomorrow, I visit Anthony one last time in jail (he gets out 11/15).  I am looking forward to it.  He's proof that even the most hardcore addicts can change.  Of course, actions OUT OF JAIL speak a lot louder than words in jail - so we shall see, but I believe in him this time.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 10, 2011

Coming to Terms

This last two weeks has caused me to have to take a fresh look at where Keven is, and how I fit into his life.

I always want to think the best, be positive, etc.  But the fact is that after all he's been through, he still thinks he knows what's best for him and is going to do what he wants.  It hurts me, but I am not going to stand in his way.

I am grieving.  I am grieving the loss of the years we lost to drugs, to the closeness we no longer have, to the future that may or may not be.

Its how it has to be.  I have to keep letting go or I will never get beyond living in fear, worrying, bla bla bla.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

P.S.  Had the biopsy today should have results next week but I'm not worried at all.  I think I'm a normal menopausal woman (i.e. ABNORMAL is normal)

November 9, 2011

Thanks for caring

I am so thankful and touched by all the people who commented on my last post.

Nothing new to report yet, but Keven is not doing well.  He's lonely and depressed at rehab, apparently for the first time ever he's not popular among his peers; and he hasn't met his case manager yet after 5 days of being there.

I'm going to their Family Group tonight and hoping to see a better attitude in him.

My mother is not handling this well at all - she disagrees with me about not letting him move back, but as far as I can tell, she's going to honor that and not go "around me" and allow him home.  The thought of going home tonight and having him there is very unappealing.  I am just SO DONE with all this.

I am over here on the west coast thinking of all of us spread across the country, but living such similar lives.  I keep hoping and praying for all of us.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 7, 2011

Let Go and please pray for me

I found this on one of your blogs last week and have been reading it over and over. I apologize, I don't remember where I found it. I admit, I am not doing well.

Which reminds me, I was not going to mention this till after I had the biopsy and got the results, but realized I would like prayer: Please pray I don't have cancer. That's all I feel like saying now but will fill you in once I know what's going on later this week or early next week.

To “LET GO” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To “LET GO” is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.

To “LET GO” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “LET GO” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To “LET GO” is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.

To “LET GO” is not to care for, but to care about.

To “LET GO” is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To “LET GO” is not to judge, but allow another to be a human being.

To “LET GO” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To “LET GO” is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.

To “LET GO” is not to deny, but to accept.

To “LET GO” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To “LET GO” is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To “LET GO” is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try and become what I can be.

To “LET GO” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To “LET GO” is to fear less and love more!

 Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 6, 2011

Nothing Good To Say

Checked Keven into rehab on Friday night.
Things are not going well for me or him.  He's very depressed and hopeless to the point that he mentioned the "s" word.
I am distraught, confused, sad, hopeless, worried and trying every minute to choose not to be.
Huge knot in my gut, just want it all to stop and to have a normal life again.
Will that ever be possible?

 Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 4, 2011

He feels hopeless and "The Secret"

First off, Keven and I had a terrible argument last night, I don't even want to go into it, but I realize its partly cause he's scared.  This morning he apologized and admitted he feels hopeless going to yet another rehab...He said there are drugs at all the rehabs and no matter how careful he is to not make friends with the wrong people, most of his rehab buddies usually end up offering him dope.  When its right there within reach, he is powerless to refuse it.

I am hoping, praying, begging that this rehab experience is different.  His old PO did not approve of it and had negative things to say about it - but that's one woman's opinion.  I told him not to listen to that, to have an open mind.

I drop him off at 6 pm.  I love him so much, I hate to know he's hurting and scared, he's really just a  young "kid" in so many ways.

I wish Anthony could spend some time with him (wait!  what did I just say!?)  Seriously, the things he is saying and the changes I've seen him are not short of miraculous.  But, its easy to talk the talk while locked up.  He gets out 11/15, that will be the true test.  I read the letters he wrote Keven and they were SO GOOD.  I may ask if I can share some of what he said here.  I love hearing things from the perspective of the addict.

Second, VJ has a post up today that is a draft of something he's been asked to write for his local newspaper.  The gist of it is that we need to treat parents/families with compassion when they are going through addiction.  There is also and excellent comment left by Laura.  Here's the link:

The Secret

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 2, 2011

The Sister He Never Had

Wow, I forgot I changed my template....I guess I was in an Autumn-y mood :)

Keven had a lot of paranoia today (the cops were going to show up and take him back to jail, etc.)

He couldn't eat, watch TV or relax.  I brought him his favorite smoothie and he did drink it. THEN, "Kelly" called and wanted to hang out.   You may remember her from posts in the pasts since she was once Anthony's girlfriend.

But she and Keven were friends before either of them knew Anthony and she really is like a sister to him.  She LOVES our entire family - right down to the smallest of our pets.  She has a nice bf now and the three of them are in his room across the hall watching a DVD.

Keven told me he feels so happy when he's around her.  Its kind of hard not to be, she's a very outgoing (hyper?) and fun person.  Very down to earth.  She and Keven look alike too,  people usually assume they are siblings.

He ate when she got here.

I am thankful for her.  They want to have a sleep over here Friday night and eat pizza and watch horror films.  She's spent the night before so that's no big deal.  I told them I'd think about it.  Its so weird being a mother again and having my son ask if he can have a friend spend the night!  Tonight it feels like we're all about five years younger and none of the crazy shit ever happened.

He's being so sweet, so loving.  Yet I sense how vulnerable he is, right under the surface he's a wreck.  I hope he gets stronger each day.  I see an innocence in my son that is touching.  He sees the good in people, he is so generous and goes out of his way to help friends or strangers.  He's funny too and has the cutest laugh I've ever heard.  His addict life didn't steal all of him.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

You Were in My Dream Last Night!

Yes, YOU!  In my dream all of you were there for me in this big circle of wonderful faces and I was crying (typical!) cause I felt so much support and love.  Even from Ron who is constantly on my ass.  (Ron, I appreciate your words more than you can know, it feels like a big brother talking to me with blunt honesty and wisdom, I need that and take it as its meant - to help me).

So, instead of answering all the wonderful comments left yesterday (I think that's what inspired the dream I had), I will update you here then catch up on all your blogs.

To recap:  Yesterday Keven was terminated from Opportunity Court, a program he's been part of for the last two years, 3 months for dually diagnosed addicts.  If he would have graduated from the program his felony would have been dismissed.  It takes the average person 18 months to 2 years to complete, but Keven never got past Phase 2.  He had many sanctions for dirty tests, one for curfew violation.  He was in and out of jail the entire time.  The court gave him many chances but we all came to the conclusion that this is not working for him.

He walked out of jail at 10:30 pm a "free man" with all his time served and is now on formal probation for 3 years (formal probation is a piece of cake compared to the probation he was on in the program).

His first words to me (after hugging me and saying I love you) were "I'm free!  No more going to probation twice a week, no more court every other week, no more worrying about being home by 10 pm and best of all - I don't have to be in a program!"  (pause)  "But, I WANT TO BE IN ONE".

Ok, so far so good.  He has 5 days home then reports to the new program Monday morning.  He's going to stay busy the next five days, today my mom will be taking him to the DMV, to get a haircut, etc.  Tomorrow he'll be with me all day.  Friday - not sure yet.  But he has told me, "If I can't stay clean between now and Monday, I am just going to leave.  I'm going to take off and live as an addict, I don't think it will happen, but I'm letting you know that if I disappear that's why".

So, maybe not so good?  Whatever happens, I AM LIVING MY LIFE FOR ME AND ALLOWING HIM TO LIVE HIS LIFE.  Of course I worry, of course I will be concerned, supportive, etc.  But I will NOT let it eat me alive and consume my every thought.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.


First I called it "The Needle and the Damage Done" but when (I thought) he had 9 months clean I changed it to "Recovery Happens".  I want a new name, but am drawing a blank.  

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

November 1, 2011

Hello New Beginning

Keven was terminated and will be released tonight or tomorrow morning.

This is either the beginning of a new life, or a new nightmare.

I feel nervous, scared, worried - all those wonderful things that used to plague me daily have come rushing back.  There is a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I am waiting for a call from PMF (where he'll go for residential treatment) to see when they will have a bed open for him.  He may spend a few nights at home.

When I pick him up I will have a contract with me and will not bring him home unless he signs it.  He seems so happy, so positive, so committed - but don't they all seem that way at times?

He asked if he could speak and the judge let him.  He shared that not a moment of time in Opp. Court was wasted, he learned tools, made good friends, learned about himself and got sent in the right direction.  He said the rest was up to him and he asked permission to come back and visit when he had clean time.

A few of the girls cried, and his buddy who I am very fond of, sat next to me with his arm around me.  I got a lot of warm goodbyes.  Its like a family, and I will miss them.

Now I need to be on my toes, ready to dish out "tough love" which as Ron puts it here, is Real Love. I must guard my own thoughts so that I don't become a wreck.

Thanks everyone for caring about both of us.  He's my only child, I realize we are very "enmeshed" and its not easy for me to separate myself from him emotionally.  BUT - I am way better off today than I was three years ago.

. Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Goodbye Opportunity Court

This morning Keven will appear before his judge for the last time.  She will terminate him from Opportunity Court and sentence him for his original felony offense (possession).  He's already served more than enough time to cover the offense, but its still up to her what she will do.  She can revoke his time served, or she can add time to it if she thinks more time in jail is needed.

We'll see.

I have mixed feelings.  Opportunity Court is for dually diagnosed addicts that need supervision and help getting clean and sober.  Its a great program for some people.  I've used to go all the time just to watch the proceedings (lots of laughter and fun in the courtroom when everyone had stayed clean for a week) and saw many more people graduate than fail.  But then there are the stragglers....Like Keven.  Obviously this program has not gotten him very far along.  He's still in Phase 2 after 2 years.  Most people graduate at 18 months (Phase 4).

I will miss the addicts I've come to know, a few that actually text me now and then I can keep in touch with.  Its sort of like a big family.  There are a few other mom's I'd like to keep in touch with too.  I will miss having Sheri, our attorney.  She's going to be off our case as soon as the sentence is read.  She was as much as a help to me as to Keven - telling m bluntly when I was enabling or being too easy on him, supporting me when I had to turn him away from home, etc.

So, I'll let you know what happens.  Either way Keven's plan is to go to Pat Moore after he gets out and take it one day at a time from there.

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