Just Heard of Another OD, and an Update

UPDATE:  If you read this a few minutes ago, I removed what I had talked about. I will wait awhile and see how today plays out and update later.  (I just checked online to see who's in jail - one of the guys Keven was with is in there, but not Keven.  Not sure what to make of that.)

I spoke with Kev's former attorney today (we stay in touch) and  she told me of another one of the "kids" in Recovery Court that had died recently.  I remember this kid (in his early 20's) because he started going when Keven was in custody the last time so I would sit with him and his mom (also a single mom) during court.  Then I was surprised to run into his mom at that Nar-Anon meeting I went to (I never went back, but remember her saying how good he was doing, this was in Dec.)  He accidently OD's last week.  He was her only child, so they remind me so much of Keven and me.  My heart breaks and aches for her.

ONE LAST THING:


THANK YOU for the comments.  I haven't been responding to each one like I prefer to, but each one is read at least twice and appreciated, no matter what it says, I can tell the ones that are said in love and concern and they keep me going.

I am reading your blogs, thinking of you (even if you don't blog) and your families.  No matter where we are on our journey today we can take comfort in knowing we are not alone.  I sure do.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Another Lost Friend

I went to visit both my guys today.  I saw Anthony first and we had a wonderful visit, but he did have some bad news:  one of his friends died recently of an OD.  They had seen each other just days before Ant got arrested.

Then I asked Keven if he knew the young man, and he said yes he knew him too.  In fact one of Keven's friends at rehab was really good friends with this kid so Keven told him and he broke down crying.  He got out his iPod and showed us a bunch of pictures of them.

My heart is breaking for his parents.  I don't know them personally, but yet, we all know them don't we?  They are us.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

World Surfing Champ Died from Drug Abuse

Was just reading my local paper and saw that the autopsy report for Andy Irons has been made public.  He died back in November, was found dead in an airport hotel room before flying back to his home in Hawaii.  At first they said he had died from dengue fever, but unfortunately it was from "acute mixed drug ingestion".

I'm sharing this because of a letter the family wrote to the media:

As we are not doctors, we have no choice but to accept that two respected pathologists have come to different conclusions about a secondary contributing cause of death.

However, the family would like to address the findings of prescription and non-prescription drugs in Andy’s system. Andy was prescribed Xanax and Zolpidem (Ambien) to treat anxiety and occasional insomnia — a result of a bipolar disorder diagnosed by his family doctor at age 18. This is when Andy first began experiencing episodes of manic highs and depressive lows.

The family believes Andy was in some denial about the severity of his chemical imbalance and tended to blame his mood swings on himself and his own weaknesses, choosing to self-medicate with recreational drugs.
Members of his family, close friends, and an industry sponsor intervened over the years to help Andy get clean, but the effort to find balance in his life was certainly complicated by his chemical makeup.

As I read that so many things crossed my mind.  Was Andy or his family even aware of how dangerous his drug use had become?  Were they able to accept it as an addiction?  Did he ever try a drug treatment center?  Did the family reach out for support?  Did he have a good doctor or one that gave him whatever he asked for?  Was he using heroin or RX opiates?  And on and on.....

None of this matters now, but with every tragedy I hope someone out there can learn something that may help their loved one.  Bottom line, it sounds like Andy didn't want help or didn't think he needed it.  We as families can only do so much.  I hope his parents are okay, my heart goes out to them.  Andy is at peace now.   :(

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Another drug overdose from the crowd of users he knows....

This graph was from FOUR years ago...its only getting worse every day.

It makes me sick hearing stories like this over and over and being reminded that HEROIN HAS TO BE STOPPED. Why is it so available? Why do kids try it knowing what its done to their friends? Why doesn't our government do anything to keep it out of this country since 100% of it is imported. I guess saving thousands of lives is low on their priority list....but if you took every heroin overdose of the last year alone and put them in a hostage situation....our government would be all over it. They'd do something to save all those young lives. You know they would. But because they die one by one and because they chose to walk into the arms of their enemy, the abomination of heroin importation is ignored. As long as its available, new addicts will be born every day.

As I read about this young man's body being dumped, my mind played out the scene of what probably happened:

Some friends drove to Santa Ana to score their dope. They went to one of the scumbag hotels in Costa Mesa to use. Justin OD'd and they panicked. They may have tried CPR, but may have been too high or not known how. None of them wanted to get busted so instead of calling 911, they drove him to a high school that was next to a fire station, then drove to a nearby pay phone to make an anonymous call for help knowing that the Fire Dept. would arrive within seconds of their call.

Unfortunately Justin was already dead. They may have known this or maybe they had hope that there was till enough life in him to be saved. Either way its very sad.

Keven saved his friend's life by calling 911 and giving Jon CPR until they arrived. I am not saying that to brag, just saying that in situations like this the risk of going to jail yourself could save a life. Keven was sure they'd arrest him since he was on probation, but the cop he talked to let it go.

Here is the story I am referring to:

Police ID body found at Costa Mesa high school



Peace, Hope and Love,Barbara

Good News / Bad News

I'll get the bad news out of the way first.


Just received a call from "Kelly", she was in the hospital as a result of an OD.  She is fine physically but in a lot of trouble legally and obviously because of her addiction.  I had distanced myself from her this week because I knew she was using and didn't want her around my home (still talked to her daily by phone).  So I can't say I was surprised.


What really looks bad for her is that she was at court this morning for a possession of paraphernalia charge (she got it with Anthony - remember back when he was chased down by a K-9 patrol dog? She was driving the car that day).  So when she goes to court for this new charge, the judge will see that immediately upon leaving the court today she went and bought and used heroin.  She will most likely face some jail time.  I kind of hope she gets some time followed by a court ordered rehab.  She may lose a job she loves (groomer at a pet store) and fall behind in college, but if that's what it takes, so be it. Nothing else has worked so far.


She was crying to me because her dad said "You don't love me!" when she called her parents.  I explained to her that if feels that way to a parent.  We had a good talk.  Of course she swears that it was the "last time".  Sigh.  Keven just shook his head and said "Mom, I really mean it when I say I am never going to use again."  Dear God, I want to believe that with all my heart - and I do.  Time will tell.


Now for the GOOD news:


Guess who got a job today after 10 months of unemployment?  ME!  And not just any old job, a job working for a friend who I have wanted to work with for YEARS.  Its part time and I will work partly from home.  I will write more about it on my other blog if anyone is interested.  I am STOKED.   Now I can actually pay for my own lunch when I go out with my girls every Friday, I can pay my bills, I can put gas in my car!  I will still have to live very, very frugally but I've got that down to a science after the last ten months :)


I am celebrating by having a Starbucks after work with my friend Lauren, I know...pretty wild, huh?  But for me, its wild enough!  No more drama!




Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

A Depressing but Real Story

I found this article linked over at Dad on Fire and read every word, the young man in the article reminds me of a combination of Anthony and Kev:  Ant the hugger, the one trying to save everyone else; Kev the giver, the one who can't pass a panhandler without giving something.  

Its a sad article but I need reality:

“He wanted to help everybody,” said his mother. “He wanted to save everybody.”
For three years after attending the wake for Brockton’s Shannah Duggan, Pacheco tried to save himself, waging a furious fight to keep the promise to his mother.

Nine times he admitted himself to a treatment facility, often spending days trying to find a bed. Once, he had himself imprisoned in a desperate attempt to break the drug’s hold.

He tried anti-addiction medications, substitutes, therapy, counseling — anything that offered a hint of hope. And he shared his pain, seeking help from family, friends, priests, workmates, strangers, counselors, judges, doctors and God.

But on Aug. 9, 2008, after staying off heroin for two years, Pacheco relapsed, overdosed and died."

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Tuesday Update on A and K

 This morning I took K to court and got to listen to him read an essay on why he believes he should be promoted to the next phase in his program.  The judge agreed and said some really encouraging things to him about his essay.

Then I got to meet his new probation officer - I like her even better than the other one (and he was cool).  She told K that she lives in our area so to expect to see her around often :)  She told me (in front of him) to call her anytime he was "one minute or more late for curfew" (10:00 pm).  She was not joking - but she was, if you know what I mean.  K likes her a lot (thankfully!)

Then we drove to the hospital to visit Anthony.  Unfortunately he is still not ready to breathe on his own, but they are trying to wean him off the sedative so he can be awake more.  The problem with that is that he's trying to pull the tubes out so they may have to restrain him again.  Its one thing to be restrained when you are unconscious, but to be alert, in pain and strapped to a bed sounds horrible.

It was so cool to be able to communicate with him.  He got very emotional when he saw Keven (I don't think he realizes he was there Sunday - he probably has no sense of time whatsoever).  It was hard to see him trying to reach out to K and talk, but I think his eyes said it all.  K gave him a kiss on the head and said "bro, you mean the world to me, I'm praying for you and your gonna be okay."

I had about 15 minutes alone with him, which was very special to me.  I could "read him" and sat next to him and quietly responded to what I think was going through his mind.  I told him not to use his energy being mad at himself, etc. etc. etc.  He had time for that later, now he has to focus on getting better.

We only stayed for a little while because he gets too stimulated by having visitors, he needs to rest.  Right before I left he coughed and tried to roll over and pulled his tube part of the way out!!!  I had to run out of the room and tell them and they came running.  It was not a fun thing to be a part of but I am glad I was there.  He really needs to be watched constantly.

I'm working hard to keep a healthy balance and am glad to be home early this evening.  I am just going to chill out tonight and go to bed early.

Oh yeah - all of his belongings are now in my garage (he doesn't own much).  A project I have been looking forward to is helping him put his portfolio together and now that I have access to all his drawings, maybe I will surprise him by having it started when he gets out.  I need a fun enjoyable project.

He's still got a long road ahead of him.  One day at a time.


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

He' on Life Support

I am home from the hospital long enough to eat, recharge my cell and take a quick shower so this will be a fast note:

It does not "look good" according to the doctor.  But, the doc also said he's seen young men Anthony's age recover.

He is sedated and will be for at least the next two days.

The problem is his lungs - they are not working, he most likely asphixiated his stomach contents. 

I am sort of in a state of shock.  We (counselors had a meeting) are not telling Keven yet, we are waiting to hear if he will make it or not. 

I can not bear the thought of it.  I just can't go there.

I've been sitting alone in the ICU talking to him all this time.  I don't know if he can hear me or not but it can't hurt. 

I hate drugs.  I hate sober living homes that permit drug use (they KNEW people were using there and didn't kick them out).

He's hands are cold and his fingers are still kind of blue.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

A Year Ago Today (part two)

(please excuse all the typos in this post!!!  i am leaving them to remind myself what matters in life and what's trivial.  typos are trivial.)

Before I recount what happened last year, I want to point out the positive things I am grateful for that have come about in the last 365 days:

- My son has 129 days clean, he wants recovery, he wants to be well.  Last year at this time he didn't.

- My son is in the same hospital that he's was in last year, but this time he was admitted voluntarily because he knows he needs help.  Last year he arrived in a straight jacket via ambuulance from another hospital.

- I have grown and learned a lot.  Last year I was still so naive, just coming out of denial and didn't have the support I've found through the community of bloggers I know today.

December 29, 2008.

I was feeling very happy because I had just put the finishing strokes on my first ever attempt at painting (see below).  I heard my son walk out of the bathroom and announce to his girlfriend that he had just taken 24 Trazadone and ???? (not sure what else, it was an unfamilar drug to me).  In the next moments of chaos I had called 911 and K bolted out the house running, his girlfriend trying to catch up to him.

I ran also with 911 on the phone with me.  K headed to the nearby park and within minutes the police helicopter was hovering, shining its bright light to try and locate my scared son.

Then K came running past me down the hill and at the same time the cops arrived in a patrol car.  Its hard to say how much time had passed - ten minutes?  20?  I honestly have no clue it was so surreal.

But because the drugs were starting to take affect K slowed down and the cop and I managed to reach him at the same time on the corner of our street.  His vital signs were taken, the cop was super nice (knowing it was a suicide attempt) and assured K he was not in trouble, he just wanted him to sit in the car till the EMTs arrived.

They pulled up and lots of questions were asked and answered.  K was no longer to stand up on his own so they put him on a gurney, turned on the sirens and headed for the ER.  The police talked to me for awhile and told me it would be best to wait an hour before going to visit him.

When we got there we had to wait another hour.  It was my sister, me, his gf, and his three best male friends (non-drug users, still safe and wonderful friends to this day and hopefully forever).

Finally they allowed me to see him.  He was in and our of consciousness.  He had charcoal smeared around his mouth.  He was pale and clammy.  My sis and I sat with him for over an hour, stroking his arms, his hair, telling him it would be okay...

At one point he opened his eyes and looked at me and said "Mom, is this real?"  It broke my heart.  He was a little boy in a bad dream, but it wasn't a dream and he had created the nightmare himself.


Turns out he'd been "snowballing" all day (shooting coke to go up, heroin to go down).  He came home and wanted to die.  He felt like a failure, like he'd never be able to stop using.  Like he'd be better off dead.  Yet, he also admits it was a cry for help since he told us what he did immediately (thank GOD!).

The next morning I went back to visit him and stayed by his side for hours as a guard sat at the end of his bed on "suicide watch".  He was more coherent but still in and out sleep most of the day.  The nurse (big male nurse)  and I tried to get him to stand up to give a urine sample, but he was like a rag doll.  He was still so out of it.  It was determined that he needed to be in a psychiatric ward in another city, so they strapped him up in a straight jacket, loaded him on a gurney and off he went for a "5150" (72 lock down to evaluate him).

The love I had for my son that day - seeing the confused, scared look on his face as they took him away...he'd just turned 18 two weeks prior.  He was just a kid!  Off he went.

It was not the worst moment in this "adventure" of drug addiction, but its up there in the top ten :)

He was allowed to come home on New Year's Eve.  It was a fresh start, a new year. He started going to meetings and it yet in my heart I knew it was only the beginning.  I just knew it.

Part Three of this story will be told on January 6th.  As most of you know, it ususally gets much worse before it gets better.

This is the painting I drew that night, and the painting I drew a few days later.  I haven't felt like picking up a brush again, but maybe one of these days:

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Today's Jail Visit

I was going to skip my visit to K today for the first time in 8 weeks.  I just didn't have anything to say and was not really in the mood.  But my mom wanted to see him (she's only seen him once) so I drove her up there.

He was very down today.  He put effort into smiling and being cheerful for Grandma, but she knows him too well.  It was hard to see him like that.  I wanted to take him in my arms, hold him and them make him take a shower and shave.  But, instead we had the usual small talk on the phones through a thick fiberglass window.  Yuk, and I forgot my disinfectant for the phone and no one near me had any today. 

Its weird being an "old timer" there.  People must be able to tell because almost every time I go a new person approaches me with questions about what to do or what its like, etc.  Had a nice woman sit next to me today who was full of questions, not long ago I would not have had any answers for her but now I "know the ropes".  Not something to be proud of.

One thing K told me today is what the judge did after I left the courtroom.  She told him that the reason she was keeping him in to wait for PH is because two weeks ago she let a girl out of custody to wait for an opening, within hours of being released she OD'd on heroin and died.  Knowing Judge L, this must have been heart breaking for her.  I am glad she kept K in there.