A New Sense of Hope

Hope is the word I was going to have tattooed on my wrist, but Anthony never got around to it (and we are no longer in contact, my choice, I honestly don't know where he is or what he's up to).

I tell myself there is always hope.  Its the one thing I have to hold on to when things seem so desperately dark.  But there have been times recently that I felt hopeless.  I've fully accepted that Keven may not survive, or that he may be on this path of self destruction for years, but just because I've accepted it doesn't mean I've given up on him!  The acceptance is for me, to allow me to survive.  Once I accepted that I got back in the saddle of hope (corny!).

Anyhow, a friend told me about a therapist that he thought would be perfect for Keven.  He was once a heroin addict himself and when he stopped he went to school got all his degrees and has been an LMFT for 16 years with an emphasis on helping teens/young adults with substance abuse issues.  He and Kev met yesterday and hit it off - Keven liked and trusted him!!!!

So "Aaron" (that's what I'll call the therapist) told him something we already knew but had but on the back burner.  He has PSTD.  I've known this for years, prior to the drug use, but the drug use has exacerbated it to the point that he's screaming at night, walking around with knives, etc.  I don't know what originally caused the PSTD, and at this point that's not my concern.  He told Aaron about it and that's what matters.

Of course nothing can be done to treat the PSTD if he keeps using drugs.  He has to stop self medicating, but he seemed so hopeful yesterday knowing that he will be seeing Aaron on a regular basis.  He's been ordered (by PO) to see a psych too but I am going to fight against over-medicating him and maybe just putting him on an SSRi and something mild to help him sleep (Trazadone is what I take).

I need to work on my stress level today.  I didn't sleep last night, my mind was racing.  I'm taking care of me, but as usual when Keven is here I take a backseat - but at least I'm aware of that so can change it.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

P.S.  Keven has been socialbe and respectful for two days.

P.S.S.  Aaron said his PSTD is so severe he compares it to a Viet Nam Vet coming off the front lines of battle.  That scares me.  I actually lost a cousin who came home from Viet Nam, used heroin to treat his PSTD but then gave up and took his own life.   WHAT happened to create this degree of trauma and stress?????

PSTD?

I had a good phone call with his psychiatrist today.  He's been talking to Kev's new doctor about his case and the new doctor thinks he may have OCD and PSTD.

Who knows what to think with the long list of possibilities?

He DID experience some trauma that he SAYS never bothered him - but maybe that's the problem, maybe if he would have freaked out when it happened he would have dealt with it then.  Maybe its come back to haunt him now in the form of these hallucinations...

Maybe this, maybe that.  Ugh.  I'll keep you posted.  Am making the rounds reading your blogs. 

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara