The Mother of a Heroin Addict?

As I read the description of this blog its hard to believe I am talking about ME. This was not suppose to happen. You raise your child with love and do your best and hope that any mistakes you make will not result in any serious damage.

Then something happens and everything about life changes...your child becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol.

People say "its not your fault, you did the best you could". Al-Anon says the most important thing to remember is the three "C's": You did not Cause it, You can not Control it, You can not Cure it.

I believe those things on the surface but deep down inside of course I blame myself! How could I not?!? He's my son.

Sometimes I find myself envying other partents that have husbands or wives. Doing this alone sucks and I also blame myself for bringing him into the world with a good-for-nothing father that proved to be even more disappointing than my already low expectations of him.

Short story on that: At age 30 I got pregnant by my ex-boyfriend. I did not love him, he did not love me. It was a one-night-stand with someone I felt comfortable with and had previously dated for two years.

When K was born "Bio Dad" showed a bit of interest, but not much. He would visit him for once a month for a few hours. No child support. K would never quite get comfortable around his bio dad because once a month is not enough to really bond. When K turned 12 I was struggling financially and filed for child support (I asked nicely at first but he said "if you force me to pay you I will never see K again").

Well, that ticked me off. It took a year to get the paperwork through the system and then I started getting monthly checks and the monthly visits stopped. Now bio dad would see K on his birthday and Christmas only (both in December).

By this time K had figured it out and decided he hated his dad. Of course what he really feels is hurt, rejection, and less valuable to him than his precious paycheck.

So yes, I blame myself for a lot of the reasons K decided to take the drug route. I searched high and low (at church and the Christian ministry I worked at) for a positive male role model to take K under his wing. A few men said they'd invite him along the next time they took their sons fishing or dirt bike riding, but they never did. The pastor of my church even met with me to develop a plan to help K when he was starting to show signs of rebellion, but nothing ever became of the plan. I don't blame these men - they have their own families, why should they reach out to a lonely boy craving the attention of an adult male (pardon my bitterness, it just burned in my heart as I wrote this, it will pass).

So K started latching on to any male that would pay attention to him...they guy that served us bagels every Sunday who was super cool and nice, the men we met trap shooting at the gun club, and a few others. But of course they were just strangers being friendly.

Then when he was 17 he met Jon at the gym. Jon was so cool, totally buffed out, and he immediately became K's body building mentor. When I met Jon and his girlfriend K told me that they went to the local community college and they were both so friendly I was glad he had some nice friends...though it did bother me a bit that they were older.

Well, I am not blaming Jon, I am just explaining HOW K got into heroin. Jon and his girlfriend introduced it to Keven and that was it. He became hooked immediately. He started using last October but I didn't know how serious it was until December (denial?).

So a nice kid with a mom who loves him meets another nice kid who's mom and dad love him (Jon has caring parents, a nurse and a businessman of some sort). Heroin addiction isn't just for hardcore druggies. Its happening to our CHILDREN in nice middle class neighborhoods where you don't even have to lock your doors cause crime is almost non-existent.

I just wanted to get this post out of the way. Sort of an introduction to my son and how he got started. It only took ONE TIME. O N E T I M E.

A Year Ago

I just looked back at an old blog post, prior to when I had one dedicated solely to Keven's addiction/recovery.  A year ago this week:

- I was complaining about how much I hated my job (got laid off two weeks later)

- Keven broke into the gun safe so I removed all of the guns from our house

- Keven stole money from me and smoked heroin in his room.  I was hanging out in his room with him last night, its neat.  It smells okay.  He had nothing in there hiding (I still search it when he's not around).

- I bought a plane ticket to Wisconsin to go visit a guy I thought was "the one" obviously that didn't work out.

- I finally told Keven's dad about his drug problem.  He never called again.  I waited another five months to call him and tell him Keven was in jail and he finally got a clue and decided to man up and they have been in contact ever since.

- My co-workers were slamming Obama in the lunchroom saying racist things about him and putting him down cause he went golfing.  They were comparing him to Tiger Woods because of their ethnicity.  One said "well at least Tiger married a white woman".  I have no idea what that meant by that.  I am SO GLAD I don't work around people like them anymore!

So what were you doing a year ago?

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I Went

I went to a meeting this morning.  I had been to a few other Al-Anon meetings and various other 12 Step groups and everyone is right when they say each group has its own personality.  I felt very much at home at this one.  I think it was about 40 women and 2 men, and most of the people were of retirement age (I felt so young!).  I felt warmly welcomed.  I even TALKED for a minute (have no idea what I said).

I will go back but also want to check out some other meetings too cause there is one right by my house.  AND I am going to meet K (Ant's girlfriend) at an NA meeting once a week starting next week.

ALSO:  K'sdad just called wanting to go see K tomorrow.  I updated him that K has been moved to Lacy (he didn't know that) and gave him directions then I realized K had said he did NOT want to see his dad from jail again.  Ooops.  Oh well, too bad.  I think its great that his dad is finally stepping up and I don't want to discourage that.  K will just have to deal with it, the fact is - he's in jail.  If he's embarrassed about that, well, that's one of the many consequences.

Hopefully he won't be too shocked since he's expecting ME to show up tomorrow.  I'll go Saturday.

Visit from His Bio-Dad

• I was never married to my son's father.  We dated two years, broke up, a year later got together one night and I got pregnant.
  
• For the first two years of his life, bio dad pretended his son did not exist (until his sister ran into me with K one day and shouted "OMG!  That's T's kid isn't it, it looks just like him").  His family embraced K so Thom was forced to acknowledge his son.
• From age 2 - 12 T would see K once a month for a few hours.  A strong bond never formed but it was better than nothing.
• I asked for child support and to punish me for that, T stopped seeing K from age 12 - 18 except for his birthday (December 7) and Christmas.  Twice in one month, nothing the rest of the year.

Needless to say they are not close.  I do not respect T but I KNOW how important it is to K that his father be in his life.  Ksays he doesn't care anymore, etc. but the rejection factor is undeniable, Thom's actions hurt K deeply.

In April I called T and told him what had been going on in the last 4 months and asked him to PLEASE talk with his wife and think of a way that they could include K in their family (K has a 1/2 brother, age 13 he has not seen in years).

Nothing.  Never heard from him again.

Last week I called him again and kind of let him have it...getting out my anger that I had held in for years.  I ended by saying, "Look, the bottom line is your son needs you to be involved in  his life so step up to the plate."

And shockingly - he DID.

He went to see him IN JAIL (of course I asked K if he wanted to see his dad first - he said yes).

K said it was a bit awkward "like always" but that his dad said he could get him a job where he works when he gets out.  THAT would be AWESOME.

I hate calling Thom K's "Dad".  He's his biological father but that's too hard to say and type.  "Bio-Dad" sounds weird like K was grown in a lab or something.  "Dad" seems like too noble of a title for him. but just maybe he will finally earn that title.  Its never too late and like it or not my son needs and wants him in his life.

Grateful - Hopefull - THANK YOU!

I am in the process of responding to all your individual comments.  Thanks to each and every one of you - all of you said basically the same thing:  This is GOOD.  And I agree wholeheartedly.

I wanted this, and its the best thing possible for K.  I hope it "breaks" him of some of the arrogance and blaming that he still clings to regarding his addiction, I think that is what he needs.  I feel much better today, in fact I feel pretty damn good!

I grieved last night, got it out of my system and am ready for the next phase of day by day and staying strong and taking care of ME.

AND as icing on the cake, last night I got to say some things to K's father that I had held in for the last 7 years or so.  I got it ALL out.  He (bio dad) actually laughed at me several times while I was explaining to him how hurt K was when, at age 12, Thom stopped visiting him to punish me for asking for child support (I should have filed for back support).  He tried to BLAME K for not calling HIM.  Um...hello?  This is so lame I don't even have to explain it to all of you, but he didn't get it.  He didn't get that he's the ADULT, the FATHER.  He could not come out and say "yes, I agree, I let my son down" and he never will.  But he took plenty of time to brag about his son that lives with him (age 13).  What a __________.

Hope you are all having a good day.  Thanks for listening.  Getting all this out feels very cathartic this week and I need to purge all this junk now so I can start my 50th year feeling good.  I can not believe I am turning 50 TOMORROW!

FIFTY!  It sounds old but its not.  The number doesn't even bother me.  Much.