January 30, 2012

Quick Update

Keven tested clean last night.  Sigh of relief.  The house he's in is perfect for him right now, just don't know if he sees it that way.  He's very sick from Suboxone withdrawal.  I need to look up and see how long that lasts, apparently its worse than being dope sick and lasts longer.

Thank you for all the comments left.

I have no intention of letting Keven move back home, ever.  This last time was not full of drama but it was full of dishonesty and to me, that's worse, even though its to be expected.

My goal for today:  Catch up on blogs.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
On A Personal Note:
Countdown 4 Days until trying to get tickets for Bruce.  Normally I buy tickets on-line then upgrade them later if they aren't good enough.  BUT rumor has it that the f'ing ticket scalpers are snatching up MOST of the tickets and forcing us to pay high prices.  Bruce would be pissed, this is so unfair, but its legal.  In fact, due to some sort of computer hacking, when tickets for the NY and Jersey shows went on sale last week ONLY the scalpers could get them (Stub Hub is EVIL).
So wish me luck because this is a VERY BIG DEAL to me and I will, if I have to, pay hundreds because I can't miss him.  This will be my 25th time?  26th?  I lost count but haven't missed a show since my first one in 1981.

January 29, 2012

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck....

.....why do I still want to think its a chicken?

Ok, you know how you KNOW something beyond a shadow of a doubt?  For example 2 + 2 = 4.  But sometimes you don't want to know it so you try to mentally change the outcome by thinking to yourself something like:  Well, maybe one of the 2s was really a 5 backwards and so 2 + 5 = 7....  Maybe no one else rationalizes that way, but I did this Friday.

The bottom line is, when relating to addiction, there are times we desperately want to believe our addict.  Not because they are trustworthy or believable (if they are using - they are not!) but because we are so tired or so sick of the reality or in temporary insanity mode (denial).

I KNEW Keven had used meth on Thursday because all day Friday he was doing a tweaker projects (he had almost every electric cord in the house in a big pile (we had a whole box of them) - including my phone charger which will really pissed me off).  But I decided to pretend he would not be stupid enough to use two days before going to sober living and getting tested.  Silly me.

Later I found a syringe on my bedroom floor that had fallen out of his pocket.  He still denied it (said he was draining blood from an abscess on his arm with it).  I didn't make a big deal about it, why bother, all I asked was "will you test clean on Saturday"?  He said he would, that he knew what he was doing (feel free to laugh here, I did).

We get to the sober living place yesterday and the guy was all you'd ever want in a sober living place.  We both liked him and the house and their rules.  They are accredited and have a high rating (its all posted on their wall).  So he tested Keven and he was dirty for meth.  The guy asked him how long ago he used and Keven said Thursday so he made an exception for him and said he could stay and retest Sunday night but if he was lying and the test came up dirty on Sunday at 8 pm he had to leave.

So here I sit wondering what will happen tonight.  I really, really, really want him to be able to stay.  Its a great location for someone without a car, its in the "heart of recovery" for Orange County, meetings all over the place also within walking distance.

I love my son so much.  I am not surprised by his behavior because addicts use, lie, steal, etc.  I go from anger to feeling compassion and then remind myself its out of my control and I need to let go.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

January 27, 2012

Another Mother's Story

painting by Joy McGinnis

A friend forwarded this story this morning because it reminded him of Keven and me.  I'm sure many of you can relate to it.  I think the point of the story is clear - this young man's parents did all the right things but their son still managed to become addicted, and once that happens - well, you know what happens.  Its the beginning of a nightmare for the family and the addict, one that usually lasts for many years.

"Behind every drug addict, there’s a mom, and we love these kids...."
Read the rest here.

On a personal note:  Keven will be moving out this weekend and believe it or not, I'm going to miss him.  When he's not using, he's the joy of my life.  He'll be about 25 miles away so I will still be able to see him when I want.

Also, this morning he told me he was having his phone number changed.  I was pleasantly surprised by this.  One positive outcome of him living at home for the last month has been his realization that he has only two true friends (they are both away in college,one is at Berkeley, the other at San Luis Obispo).  All his other friends are addicts or former addicts that still have addict behavior.  This to me means that he is wiping the slate clean and starting over fresh.  Of course he will still have their numbers but plans to delete them (we'll see about that).

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

January 26, 2012

The time has come

We've allowed Kev to stay here for aprox a month (with the exception of a hospital stay and 3 nights at the sober living that kicked him out for nightmares).  We are ready for him to move.  Not sure if he is, but he's going to have to even if he doesn't want to.  He seems more stable, more calm.  He's actually been pleasant most of the time and I am even going to miss him a bit!  But its time.  Now, to find a decent sober living that has a house manager that cares about recovery.

Anthony called again the other day from a number I didn't recognize so I answered.  I could tell he wanted a ride.  I was hurt but not surprised that was his reason for the call.  I said no (again) and he said he'd call me when he got to this area.  He called that evening, twice.  I didn't answer.  He texted me "are you busy?"  I didn't reply.  I think he got the message.  I hope so.  The weird thing is - this time I don't feel bad about it at all.  Its like the part of me that loves him is still there but I have no desire to see him, help him, etc.  Maybe someday but not anytime soon.

Catching up on blogs.  Everyone who reads here (even those without blogs to catch up on!) is special to me.  I care about all of you.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

January 24, 2012

Its Sunny and Bright

I won't go as far to say that I am sunny and bright - but better than yesterday, thanks in large part to the wonderful comments I got.

Anthony Update:  I can't even remember how long its been since I spoke with him, but its been weeks.  He called this morning to say he just got out of a 3 day detox and has to wait a while for a bed to open up.  He wanted a ride.  I said, "sorry, I can't".  I admit it was good to hear his voice, but I'm keeping a distance.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

January 23, 2012

Its Rainy and Gray - Numb and Nothing

My mood matches the weather today.  I'm on the ninth floor of an office building looking out at the gray sky and rain.

The last month has been hard, its taken a toll on me.  I'm tired of the way things are.  I don't want to be the mother of an addict anymore.  Where do I go to resign?  If it were only that simple.

I think Keven has a lot of work to do if he wants to find wholeness and healthiness, but he has no motivation to do it because he's living in our home, eating our food, living the good life.  He's not using, or he would not be there.

I keep putting off having a talk with him about his next steps, and where he's going to live and all that.  I am in avoidance/denial and being a total chicken shit because I can't take any more arguments or hassles or heartbreaks or infuriation or any type of emotional meltdown.  So I stay numb and do nothing.

You don't have to bother telling me how unhealthy and "wrong" this is, I'm aware of that.  But this is where I am today.  I don't plan on staying here, but for today it's all I can do.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

January 20, 2012

Going Against Nature UPDATED

First of all, WOW.  I am humbled and honored and grateful to find out there are so many people reading here that I didn't know about!  I've received some emails and feel like I've met new friends on this journey.  Because Blogger will only allow 100 readers private access to a blog, I decided to keep it open, but I changed the settings so that search engines will not find it.  I tested it out and was unable to find this blog using any search terms that include Keven.  There is no way I could say "no" to anyone who wants to keep reading.

In one of the emails I received,  a mother of an addict shared her definition of the emotions a mother naturally has versus the emotions the mother of an addict adopts for the sake of her child and herself.   I've asked her permission to share, so hopefully I can post it here later.

COOL, she gave me permission to post it here, you can find her blog at "Addiction from the parent's Perspective":


Compassion = "We all make mistakes. You are only human. No harm done. Shake it off. Mommy loves you."

Encouragement = "You do what makes YOU happy. I'm your biggest cheerleader!"

Comfort = "I'm sorry you are hurting. Come here and let me make it all better.  You look like you need a hug"

Protection = "I won't let anyone hurt my baby! Stand behind me. I'll take care of you."


Compassion = "You've done wrong. You've made some really bad choices. Mommy loves you, but Mommy will not be witness to your continued destruction. When you are ready for recovery, Mommy will be here"

Encouragement = "Choose life!  Choose life! There is hope on the other side. You can do this, but you have to want it MORE than you want drugs. Call me when that happens and I'll be right here waiting for you."

Comfort = "I'm sorry you are trying to kill yourself. Go get help. You are loved. You need to kiss your own boo boo's now."

Protection = "I won't let your disease hurt me because I know YOU really don't want to hurt me. It does. It also wants to kill YOU. I will protect you from It by not giving you anything that makes It stronger...like shelter or money. I  know you want to stop It, but you need help. I will protect you with every fiber of my being by making It responsible for It's actions.

Its SO TRUE.  Maternal instincts are not designed to turn your back on your child, or not lend a hand when needed, or not sympathize and comfort, etc.  Even most mothers of adult children still feel very protective and concerned for their children.  (My mom:  don't forget to bring a sweater, its cold!).  I guess its habit, but I think maybe us moms really don't like the thought of our kids being cold.

But it becomes necessary.  And that's why it hurts so much.  To react in the opposite way that you would react to a "normal" child is unnatural.  I only have one child but I imagine that if I had another one that had a job and was running short on cash I'd have no problem lending him/her $50 to get through till the next paycheck.  I wouldn't dream of handing Keven $50!  Even if he had a legitimate need, I just don't give him cash.  I don't even keep cash around (unless I forget).  Sad.

Of course that's just one example, and its a simple no-brainer.  Sometimes you have to say "no" to the child who is crying (literally) for help, but is not willing to do whatever it takes.  Sometimes you have to go to bed wondering where your kid is sleeping, if they are alive, if they are using dirty needles, if they are in jail....etc.  With a "normal" child you probably worry a bit that they might get in an accident of some sort, or make a bad decision, but it doesn't rip your heart out.

Keven is still at home.  He's been sleeping, watching TV and waiting for his PO to tell him to move back to Sober Living (he called him and is waiting for a return call...he's the king of procrastination).  We allow it because we keep thinking it will help him to stabilize a bit more by staying at home.  Wrong or right, its going okay.  He's been quiet, kind, relatively helpful.  He basically watches TV, eats and sleeps.  I actually will miss him when he leaves - I couldn't have said that last week.

We watched a dumb movie together last night and it was heavenly to hear his laugh a few times.  He's still very paranoid and anxious and says that he feels like his adrenalin is on overload and it exhausts him, that's why he sleeps so much.  I know sleeping is a sign of using, but he for sure hasn't used recently.  I hope most of his symptoms are a result of the bath salts and will wear off eventually - the sooner the better.

Thinking of you and yours and praying for all of us...

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

January 19, 2012


Putting this blog on private is A LOT of work!  I would feel horrible if I left anyone out so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE email me if you have not received an invite or have not already told me you want to be invited.

I am doing it to give Keven some privacy since I've been more open lately and feel its time to take his personal struggles to a safer environment.

He and I have always been open about his addiction, but its time to draw the line.

I HOPE ITS NOT A PAIN FOR ANY OF YOU TO KEEP READING HERE!  I don't know exactly how this invite thing works since I can't test it out on myself.  I hope its worth the trouble.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

January 18, 2012

Going Private for Awhile


I am adding all the addresses I have, but I don't have email addresses for some of you that left me a comment.  Could you please email me (rather than leaving a comment) so I can add you to the list.  My email can be find on my profile if you click on "email".  Thanks :)

I've decided to make this blog private, at least for awhile.  Lately I've revealed so many personal details that it no longer feels safe to me to have all this out here.  If you would like an invite to my blog please email me so I can add you.  Thanks for understanding.

I'll leave this "warning" here for a day or so to let people know.  I'm not shutting YOU out, just giving him some more privacy.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

A New Sense of Hope

Hope is the word I was going to have tattooed on my wrist, but Anthony never got around to it (and we are no longer in contact, my choice, I honestly don't know where he is or what he's up to).

I tell myself there is always hope.  Its the one thing I have to hold on to when things seem so desperately dark.  But there have been times recently that I felt hopeless.  I've fully accepted that Keven may not survive, or that he may be on this path of self destruction for years, but just because I've accepted it doesn't mean I've given up on him!  The acceptance is for me, to allow me to survive.  Once I accepted that I got back in the saddle of hope (corny!).

Anyhow, a friend told me about a therapist that he thought would be perfect for Keven.  He was once a heroin addict himself and when he stopped he went to school got all his degrees and has been an LMFT for 16 years with an emphasis on helping teens/young adults with substance abuse issues.  He and Kev met yesterday and hit it off - Keven liked and trusted him!!!!

So "Aaron" (that's what I'll call the therapist) told him something we already knew but had but on the back burner.  He has PSTD.  I've known this for years, prior to the drug use, but the drug use has exacerbated it to the point that he's screaming at night, walking around with knives, etc.  I don't know what originally caused the PSTD, and at this point that's not my concern.  He told Aaron about it and that's what matters.

Of course nothing can be done to treat the PSTD if he keeps using drugs.  He has to stop self medicating, but he seemed so hopeful yesterday knowing that he will be seeing Aaron on a regular basis.  He's been ordered (by PO) to see a psych too but I am going to fight against over-medicating him and maybe just putting him on an SSRi and something mild to help him sleep (Trazadone is what I take).

I need to work on my stress level today.  I didn't sleep last night, my mind was racing.  I'm taking care of me, but as usual when Keven is here I take a backseat - but at least I'm aware of that so can change it.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

P.S.  Keven has been socialbe and respectful for two days.

P.S.S.  Aaron said his PSTD is so severe he compares it to a Viet Nam Vet coming off the front lines of battle.  That scares me.  I actually lost a cousin who came home from Viet Nam, used heroin to treat his PSTD but then gave up and took his own life.   WHAT happened to create this degree of trauma and stress?????

January 17, 2012

Something Fun

After reading the "7 Things About Me" one of my long time blog readers (from my old blog which was around for many years) suggested that I start doing "Questions for a Friday" on this blog.
I would recycle some of my old questions or make up new ones.  Some of them are from "Friday's Feast" (does anyone remember that?).  Also another blogger mentioned it would be a fun way to get know each other outside of our main focus for blogging.

Let me know if you think this would be fun and if so, I will start it this Friday.

Here is a sample from a Friday back in '08:

1.  What is your favorite time of year?

2.  If you were going to drive cross country with two other people, who would you want to be in the car with you?

3.  What's one of your fears?

4.  If you leave a comment, say something to the person that left a comment above you. 

(oh and feel free to answer these!)  

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

January 14, 2012

7 Things About Me

There has been a fun thing going around, "the versatile blogger award" and Tori passed it on to me.  Be sure to read hers too, its great to get to know more about each other.

Here's my seven:

1) As Joan Jett sings:  "I love rock and roll".  I've been a huge fan of rock music since I was 4 years old and saw the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show.  My dad loved it too so I grew up hearing a lot of good music.  I've been to hundreds of concerts, had some interesting music related experiences and met quite a few musicians over the years.  I was even in a band for a short time, but I didn't add much talent, just a "female presence".  Of all the musicians I've met the one that will always mean the most to me was Stevie Ray Vaughan.  He performed at a small venue and I was mesmerized.  He was such a sweet, soft spoken and TALENTED man.  My love of Blues Rock started with Stevie.  (I used to write a music blog, here is a link to all my SRV posts).

2)  I've never been married.  People often assume I'm divorced, but I avoided that by never marrying in the first place.  I'm not opposed to marriage at all - I just haven't met a man that I want to spend the rest of my life with.  But, I still hope to meet him someday.

3)  In 1980 I got my first tattoo.  Back then people literally stopped, stared and pointed at it because it was so unusual.  Obviously today its a national pastime!  I have both ankles inked and a hummingbird and a long vine going down my right leg from the top to just above the knee,  Keven's name is on my ankle above two dolphins.

4)  Writing has always been one of my passions.  From the time I was a young girl I kept journals, wrote stories, poetry etc.  In the last four years my writing has fallen by the wayside (along with several other things I used to enjoy, painting, etc.).  I know its still in me, but for now that passion is dormant.

5)  I'm certified to be a Sexual Assault Victim Advocate.  This interests me because of my own past and is a way for me to help other women/girls.  Its also taken a back burner but I have a few ladies I keep in touch with and one very special young lady.  Some of the most rewarding moments of my life have been a result of encouraging others.

6)  I am very organized, neat, efficient, etc.  I can't tolerate anything in my life being out of order or unclean because it throws me off.  A sign that I am seriously depressed is when I "let things go".

7)  I love animals, all animals.  Way back when a friend and I went on a campaign to make it illegal for tuna boats to kill dolphins.  I'm not saying we are the ones that got that law in place, but every time I see a can of tuna with "dolphin safe" on the side, I smile.

Stevie Ray Vaughan was a heroin addict, he overcame his addiction.  Years later he was killed in a helicopter accident.  This quote saddens me:

Some of us can be examples about going ahead and growing, and some of us, unfortunately, don't make it there, and end up being examples because they had to die. I hit rock bottom, but thank God my bottom wasn't death. 

Stevie Ray Vaughan

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

The Latest

This will be quick, have to leave for my meeting.

Keven moved into a sober living on Wed.  He hasn't been using for at least a week now, I lost track, but he really, truly has NOT.  I can tell, plus he is testing clean.

The problem is (there is always a problem it seems) he wakes up screaming in the middle of the night due to nightmares.  They've told him its not going to work out for him to stay and he has to be out ASAP.  I think that's pretty unfair, he'd only spend two nights there when they told him this....I am hoping last night was better so they reconsider letting him stay.

As for me, I've felt very quiet this week.  Don't know how else to describe it.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

January 11, 2012

Good News on a New Law~!

I just found out* that as of January 1, 2012 Bath Salts are now ILLEGAL in California!  I am so excited to hear that news.  Of course people can still get their hands on it illegally but at least now if they get caught with it its a felony possession charge so that will make a lot of  the younger ones give it a second thought.  Hopefully.

*How did I hear this news?  Two cops showed up to check on Keven.  He wasn't here and they asked if I minded if they look around.  I invited them in (wearing my pink robe and black socks...ugh) and they searched his room.  They found the caps to a few syringes but that was it.

It was the nice (cute) officer that was here on New Year's Eve.  I told them Keven moved into a sober living tonight (he did) and gave them the address.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

More Words of Wisdom in Comments

Thanks for all the great comments to my last post.  Anna left one that several people mentioned so I thought I'd share it for all to see because this is good advice gained from experience:

"When they are exhausted and dope sick with nowhere to go they come home for awhile if you let them. They come home just long enough to regain their strength then it is right back out the door again. If you know this and choose to let him back in that is your decision. I just want to point out that this is a pattern that often occurred at my house and I see it at yours."

I see it at my house too and I've even told myself "never again!" but let him in.  Let's hope this time I finally learn.  Yesterday I deep cleaned my room - dusted, scrubbed, washed, etc. etc. etc. every item in there is spotless and shiny clean.  I think I was subconsciously "cleaning Keven out of my life" not in a mean way, but some sort of symbolic way.  Or...maybe I just felt like cleaning, I am a bit obsessive about it.

He texted me for a phone number today, said he's sober and is going into sober living tonight. I gave him the number and said good luck.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

January 10, 2012

"I told you so"

Well, the other shoe dropped.  He stayed out all night last night.  Feel free to say "I told you so" but, I had already prepared myself so I am not surprised, just upset for my mother.  How do I help her to learn to Let Go?  She worries even more when she doesn't know where he is, because she knows what he's up to.

I packed his stuff and put it on the front porch.  He was suppose to move into the sober living TODAY.  If he chooses to stop by here I will be here (luckily this is one of my last days off before I work full time so I can stay home all day (except between 1:00 - 2:00) to watch over things if he comes by and tries to get in).  Again, who is suffering:  my mother!

I will call the cops if he tries to break in.  How the hell am I suppose to leave my mother home alone while I work when he's out there?  I rather have him in jail.

Oh, you'll love this - its so predictable.  Keven and I were watching a movie together in my room (True Grit) and he gets a call from Anthony.  Low and behold, Anthony was kicked out of Unidos already for using fake pee.  A few minutes after the call Keven said he was going out with Andrew.  I didn't even try and stop him, I knew the real plan.  So he left, saying he wouldn't be late and never came home.

He took Suboxone yesterday so he's probably using meth or bath salts again. Its no surprise that after a week of not using, after being loved and cared for by his family, he still chooses the drugs.  Its what addicts do.  I had no illusions that it would be any other way, but still, I had a bit of hope that he'd at least make it into the Sober Living.  Oh well.

Addiction is a family disease.  I'm working on my recovery now more than ever.  I wish there was some way to help my mother (she won't go to a meeting).

Thanks for following along with the stupid ass drama going on over here.  I am so sick of it.  I miss writing about other things.  Maybe I will go back to my old blog and try to regain some of my SELF.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

January 9, 2012

Another Young Man Died

Someone Kev knew from Jr. High through High School passed away on Christmas.  He was a very athletic kid, seriously into BMX.  Because of all the injuries acquired in this sport, he was prescribed pain killers.  He got addicted.  He overdosed on Opana.  He fell asleep and never woke up.  What a tragic death, and can you imagine - going to wake your son on Christmas morning and finding him dead?

When will doctors learn how dangerous it is to prescribe opiates of any kind?  When will pharmaceutical companies, who seem to have a pill for everything, come up with an alternative to these addictive killers?

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

January 8, 2012

Good Day

Things are actually going pretty good right now.  Keven has been calm, is not using, and spent time with a friend yesterday (he's been in the house all week and it was good for him to get out).  His attitude is better, he's been courteous and grateful.  But I will still be glad to have him move out this week because as we all know, even when things are good there is a feeling of "waiting for the other shoe to drop".  And when/if it drops the nightmare begins again.

I'm reading blogs, drinking coffee and listening to Paul Simon play "The Sound of Silence" live.  So far its a good day.

(Paul is here in my living room giving me a concert, Art couldn't make it).

One of the greatest duets in music....wore out all my S&G albums when I was a kid.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

P.S.  Went to my meeting yesterday (notice:  MY meeting, the people there are awesome and I aleady feel like I've known them for a long time).

January 7, 2012

Peaceful, Easy Feeling

I can't believe I'm feeling peace right now!  But I am.  I also just overate and can tell I've gained a few pounds and need to get back to my super healthy eating.  Yukko, it feels gross to overeat these days, but its MY addiction.  I know the joy of eating that luscious chocolate will last only minutes, then I will feel awful and crave more, and have the long term effect of weight gain.  But I do it anyhow.  It helps me to relate better to addicts.  :(

Went to my meeting this morning.  Oh my gosh, it was amazing to me once again how welcoming and friendly everyone was.  I didn't share, didn't really have anything to say, but got a lot out of listening.

Keven has been home alone most of the week and tonight is the first time he's went out with friends, a guy I don't know but they went to high school together and he seems like a nice kid, and a guy I do know that went to Unidos with him.  I love this kid.  He was the one that was with my during Keven's finger surgery.  We spent the day together while Keven was being operated on and recovering and we had such a good time.  He was not never a hardcore addict, got court ordered to the rehab to dismiss a possession charge (Ecstacy).  Just the cutest, most polite young man you'd want to meet.  He's originally from Russia and I always wonder if he was adopted or if his family is from their, his last name isn't Russian.

So I dropped Keven off at the local pizza place to eat pizza and play video games.  In a way it makes me sad - that was the sort of thing he did when he was 15 years old.  And because his life is what it is today, that's what his Saturday night is like.  It shouldn't make me sad...I don't know why it does.  He was SMILING.  He seems much better and hasn't used since the horrible beginning of this week.

We've checked out a few sober livings and have two more to check out.   Its all about location -

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

January 5, 2012

Let Go, Let God

When Keven got out of jail recently I promised myself that if he started using I would get myself to An-Anon meetings.  It took me until this last horrific meltdown to actually go to one.

It really does help.  I don't know anyone from my meeting yet, but I intend to get to know them.  I just cut and past a ton of Slogans, promises, etc. - dang, there sure are a lot of them, but I guess that's the point, to get you through anything.

Today I let go and let God rather than worrying myself sick (I did feel a bit sick).  As we drove up to see Keven's PO (did I mention he changed his mind and wanted to see Keven in person TODAY?) I prayed the whole way.

Thankfully, the PO was "cool" (kev liked him) and ordered him to a) get into a sober living by next Thursday b) find a job and c) get a psychiatrist and be evaluated

I am pleased with all of this, but I'm sure Keven will drag his feet in finding a sober living.  I am helping him find a doctor because that overwhelms him and at this point in time, I think he still needs assistance with some things.  The trick is finding a good one that takes his insurance.

As for the other one:  Anthony checked in to Unidos today (Keven spent several months there, its a good place).  He did it on his own, no court order.  I have no expectations.

Here are all the slogans, etc:

~ Easy Does It ~ Keep It Simple
~ How Important Is It?
~ First Things First 
~ Live And Let Live 
~ One Day At A Time 
~ Let Go And Let God 
~ But For The Grace Of God, there go I 
~ Think! Listen And Learn
~ Keep An Open Mind
~ Let It Begin With Me 
~ Together We Can Make It 
~ Be Honest 
~ Keep Coming Back ~
~ Feel Good About Saying "No" 
~ Fake It 'Till You Make It! 
~ Use It Or Lose It 
~ Talk And Grow 
~ Let Go & Let God 
~ How Important is it? 
~ Is it worth my Serenity 
~ Whats to Be will Be 
~ We Are all Different
~ This Too Shall Pass
~ My serenity is proportionate to my acceptance.
~ You can't control the wind but you can set your sails.
~ The mind is like a parachute, it works best when open.
~ Thank You God for reminding me not to interfere with Your Divine Plan.
~ Listen not to criticisms or accolades both take you off your path." A. Einstein
~ Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be." B. Franklin
~ If you are looking in the past or the future, you're not living in the now. 
~ The present is a gift. The gift is now.
~ Live for today. 
~ Live for each and every new moment. 
~ Be gentle with yourself.
~ Fight for yourself, you are worth it, if you dont who will?
~ Say what you mean but don't say it meanly.
~ Expectations are premeditated resentments.
~ Take the blame out of me & all u get is bla bla bla.
~ If HP brings you to it, HP will walk you through it.
~ Change your attitude change your life.
~ Insanity is doing the same things over an expecting different results.
~ Dont go to the hardware store for bread.
~ My serenity is proportionate to my acceptance. Recovery is self-discovery.
~ Happiness & knowledge increase only as we share it with others.

Alanon's Three C's: Alcoholism/Addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it, You can't CONTROL it, and You can't CURE it!
3 C's ~ You Can Control Yourself, You Can Change Yourself, You Can Cure Yourself 
3 A's ~ Awareness, Acceptance, Action
ANGELS EXIST but some times, since they don't all have wings, we call them FRIENDS.

EGO - Edging God Out ~ Courage is fear that has said its prayers. ~ Progress not Perfection.

FEAR ~ Future Events Aren't Real
YANA ~ You Are Not Alone
HELP ~ Help/Heal Ourselves/Others Purge Emptiness
MYOB ~ Mind My Own Business
FAITH ~ Finding Answers In The Heart
HALT(S) ~ Hungry Anxious/Angry Lonely Tired Sick
 or Honestly Actively Lovingly Tolerant
ANGER ~ A Negative Grudge Endangers Recovery
QTIP ~ Quit Taking It Personally
PUSH ~ Pray Until Something Happens
FINE ~ F**ked Up Insecure Neurotic
ASK ~ Ask Seek Knock
HEART ~ Healing Enjoying And Recovering Together
HOPE ~ Happy Our Program Exists ~ healing/helping ourselves purge emptiness
GOD ~ Good Orderly Direction
JADE ~ (dont) Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain
FROG ~ fully relying on god
DETACH ~ dont ever think about changing him/her&/or dont even try and change others
FEAR ~ future events aren't real 

In recovery were all like infants, first we crawl then we can stand. We take steps & learn to walk before we can run free. 

FACE IT: Become aware of the thinking/behaviour that is a problem
TRACE IT: Try to establish where you think it comes from and why
EMBRACE IT: Accept that you did the best you could with what you had at the time but it no longer needs to be that way. Forgive yourself.
ERASE IT: The thinking/behaviour no longer serves your best interests. To erase it, ask God to remove your shortcomings. Refuse to participate in the same thinking and behaviour patterns. You may 'slip' from time to time but thats ok, it's a process and it's about progress not perfection.
REPLACE IT: Nothing exists in a vacuum therefore if you remove something you need to put something else in it's place. Where possible fill the void with Gods love. You can replace negative thinking/behaviour with positive, healthy responses. Use the tools of the program. Sometimes we try something new and it doesn't work out for us, that's ok too, just try something different. 

January 4, 2012

How Did I Get Here So Fast?

Today as I walked on my lunch break (first day back at work after the last fiasco), I pondered on all the things I did WRONG to get back where I am with Kev today.  I didn't beat myself up about it, I just observed the mistakes I made and marveled at how quickly I came crashing down into the Hell known as "being involved with your addict".

I admit, I had it pretty easy in 2011 because the court was in charge of his every move.  He HAD to be in rehab (or jail when he messed up).  Since being terminated from the court program he's been arrogant, sketchy, and defiant.

For someone like me who is by nature compassionate and forgiving, etc. (sounds like good traits but not under all circumstances!) its difficult to turn my back on anyone in need.  From strangers to my own flesh and blood son - I want to encourage and help (enable).

So when I opened the front door on Christmas evening I was opening a door that should have remained closed.  Christmas - a date on the calendar - caused me to let my guard down and wiped out all the work I had recently put into not enabling and into having fun, etc.  Ugh.

We need to be on guard at all times.  Its not fair to have to live like that, but its necessary.  In letting my guard down for one day I have invited the monster of addiction back into my home and am having to deal with stress, anger, anxiety, fear, etc.

Oh and an update:  His PO called him today and said he has to come in tomorrow!  YAY!  That was good news.  Will he DO anything?  I sure as hell hope so.  Just to get him out of the house again is all I need in order to KEEP him out.

Wow, its sad that I am writing about the person I love more than anything.

I'm going for a walk with my neighbor tonight - a step back in the right direction.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Easier Said Than Done

Yesterday he went to see his PO (my hope for him being court ordered to a reahb).  The PO was TOO BUSY too see everyone that showed up so he had Keven sign a piece of paper and told him to come back in two weeks!!!!!!  I guess this is what real PO's are like?  We're used to having the kind that is in your face, coming by your house, drug testing you twice a week, etc.

So I gave him till Saturday to find a place to go and we will pay his first month of sober living, since he refuses to go back to a rehab, and I don't blame him....after 5 there's not a whole lot he's going to learn, he could probably lead one (certainly not by example - but he can quote from the Big Book all day long, has all the tools, etc.)

He hasn't used again.

Today I go to work and he will be home alone with my mom, who is getting soft already and saying maybe it wouldn't be that bad having him here.  I begged her NOT to say that to Keven.  He's out and that's all there is to it.

But, darn it, its not easy kicking your kid out when he has no money, no place to go, no friends to call, no nothing, just a ripped up duffle bag of clothes.  I need strength for this...

Thanks for all the comments, I'll be catching up on blogs when I get to work and have time (ironic, most people have to work at work, I just sit there and answer phones).

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

January 2, 2012

quick update

He's been sleeping for the last 13 hours so far.  We all slept.  I feel stronger and more "together" again.  My plan for today is to do take him to the beach and walk around in the fresh air, sunshine and ocean.  The ocean has a calming and healing affect on both of us.

As of tomorrow he will be homeless and have to choose his course of action, but until then, he's here getting loved on even when he's totally unlovable.  He fell asleep hugging me last night.  He's still a young boy inside.

Thanks for praying for us, no words can convey how much it means to me to have the support here.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

January 1, 2012

There's Not Much Help for Addicts

I spent the day tracking down all the resources I had, including Syd's suggestion to call a PET team.  They and everyone else said there was nothing they could do to help him because he was using and therefore could not be evaluated.  I took him to the hospital again and that was no use, they don't want him either.  The cops won't take him to jail because he hasn't committed a crime and like the doctor last night, they probably think he's more trouble than he's worth and is hopeless.

He's calmed down a lot today but is in so much pain throughout his  body and especially his fingertips so he's constantly yelling out in pain every time he touches something.

My mother begged me not to kick him out and told him he could stay.  Its not my house, its hers (this has been an issue for years, she doesn't see that he's a danger to himself or others, she doesn't believe in letting him hit bottom, she just wants to keep him safe in her home and doesn't understand that it just doesn't work like that).

So one more day to endure this and he will go to his PO and I will tell his PO he does not have a place of residence - I don't know what they will do about that but its something you have to have and I won't let him list our address.  I am calling ahead to share this info via voicemail since I doubt I will be allowed to talk to him.

I got to take a nap today and so did my mom and sis (while we were at the hospital).  He just went to bed because after all these days with no sleep he can barely keep his eyes open.

I have a feeling I will lose him soon.  I am not pushing him out to die on the street.  Our former attorney always told me how horrible it would be to find him dead in his own bed, but it would be harder to get a call from a stranger.

I hope I am wrong, but I've been grieving him for along time because the son I once had is gone, at least for now.  He hates himself and his been degrading himself all day and none of his friends will communicate with him, which I understand completely, but it just adds to his sense of worthlessness.

I appreciate all the comments but at this time, I am not kicking him out.  We can last another day (tomorrow) and then I'll take him to the PO first thing Tues. morning hoping for some help since no one else would help.  If need be I will call the cops again and insist on a 5150 which was my plan last night that failed because of Dr. Addict Hater.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

PS  As we sat in the packed waiting room of the ER he had spasms and twitches etc.  I know everyone was staring at him but I held my heard high, my son is buried deep inside the person that was next to me today and hopefully he will return .  Those that sat staring and  probably judging him as a loser or a mental case are lucky - ignorance is bliss when it comes to drugs.

Open Letter to Lou - He's Home, now what?!?

I was going to send this to Lou in an email after reading her comment, but then I realized it may help someone else and plus I wanted to tell you all what's going on.  I think those of us who know her consider Lou to be an extremely inspiring and wise blogger with a lot of experience, strength and hope.  Plus she's an RN so she has also has a wealth of knowledge in that field.

Lou's comment:

Injecting bath salts (and any number of other drugs, especially meth) puts one into a drug induced psychosis. The mental symptoms are exacerbated with lack of sleep, poor diet, etc. It is impossible to treat mental breakdowns while drugs are in the system. I'm telling you this from own experience, Barbara. Mental hospitals will not accept someone obviously high-that was our problem when we tried to get our son committed.
Where do they go?? There is no system in place for someone in Keven's condition. Since he hasn't broken the law, he will be released. You should be working on a place for him to go--letting him come home will not work. I don't like giving advice, but I have been in this situation and it is a terrible, helpless feeling. Keven is in need of a "time out", someplace where he can get the drugs out of his system. Only then can you work on underlying issues.
If I can give you any hope, our son survived some of the most awful, terrifying situations. When things were most bleak, God showed us a way out. That's what I believe.

My response:


You were right, they released him from the hospital just hours later. I didn't want to bring him home but didn't know what else to do with him at the strike of midnight while he was in this condition! I finally slept (took 2 sleeping pills) and he sat on my floor all night doing tweaker projects, he's still working on one (its better than picking his face!) He crawled in bed with me a few times and said "love and hugs" and curled up next to me hugging me. It was so tender and innocent, it broke my heart.

So now - what the fuck do I do? In your comment you said there is no place set up to handle this condition but that he needs to go somewhere to get OFF the drugs and get out of psychosis. I agree but WHERE? What do I do from here? This is the most upset and scared we (my mom, sis and me) have ever been about him. I read ALL his text messages last night and learned that on his birthday, the very day he entered "Able to Change" he was calling around for drugs!!!!!!!!!! He never had any intention of getting clean he just wanted to appease me and in the back of his mind knew he'd leave there (he did in 10 days). I guess he gave it a halfhearted try because they told me after a few days he seemed to be more involved and positive - but obviously he is VERY sick. The second we got home from the hospital last night he was on the phone trying to find a rig to do more drugs.

The only lock down facilities are mental hospitals and like you said, they won't take him because his condition is drug induced. We've tried that so many times. If I take him to a rehab again (with a brand new deductible to pay because of the new year) he will just leave. I've tried it all - where do I go? I am desperate.

I don't know what I'd do without you, Lou, and everyone else that reads here. I wish they would have had a phone list at the meeting yesterday, but the secretary forget them :(

P.S. The doctor in charge of him last night was the most unprofessional, mean, stupid-headed doctor I have ever met. I want to file a complaint. He said to the cop "I've seen this kid before, he's hopeless, he's not going to change". I would not have believed that but then when I got there he went into a long lecture about how Keven was HOPELESS and told me that in the hospital he did his residency in if a drug addict like Keven needed a heart valve or some other costly surgery, they would let them DIE because it wasn't worth it to do a surgery they wouldn't receive payment for on a person that would just go out and continue to use. CAN YOU BELIEVE HE SAID THIS? I HEARD IT WITH MY OWN EARS AND AM IN SHOCK. I am seriously considering filing a complaint. Keven cried all the way home because of this in-compassionate asshole that is employed as a doctor!

P.S.  He's on a mission to pull apart a three ring binder (the metal part) because he may find heroin or a million dollars inside.  Dear God, please, please reveal the next step for my son before he stays permanently locked in this horrible place.

P.S.S.  This is day three of no sleep for him.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
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