September 27, 2010

Finally Getting Caught Up

I have been visiting blogs and just got done crying (tears of joy) at a few wonderful examples of positive changes that have happened in the last 6 months for some of your children.

"Children" is an interesting term.  It makes you think of a child, a young person, but we use the same word to describe adult children.  It sounds weird to hear my own mother say she has three children.

Anyhow....I am rejoicing with some of you right now.  Others are still in the trenches where I seem to be.  I am letting consequences occur and have a funny feeling the judge is going to be angry at Keven tomorrow.

Did I mention he swallowed a bunch of drugs (his leftover heroin and cocaine) before court last Tuesday because he knew he was going to jail?  He was HIGH in court and doesn't remember the judge telling him certain things.  I had NO IDEA he was high.  He didn't look or act it.  In fact he was articulate and polite as he sat there cuffed to the chair.

So....I know he didn't do one of the things she required and won't be surprised if he gets another night in jail.  Oh well.  It seems to be his home away from home lately.

Hope we all have a good week.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

September 26, 2010

This is Where I Am Hoping Keven Will Be:

We have been searching diligently for the last few days for an affordable place for Keven to do out-patient treatment. Its court-ordered so we don't have a choice in the matter but since I have to pay for it, I want it to be affordable and helpful.

(could not get the photos to post but the place looks like a resort spa, not a rehab!)

He was suppose to go into St. Joseph's Hospital Dual Diagnosis program (they have a good reputation) but they REJECTED him based on the fact he did not have enough days clean. That pissed me off. Seems kind of stupid if you ask me.

So I found this place: Sovereign Health of CA Treatment

Not only is it VERY affordable (they take my insurance and waive the part I would pay for myself) but its beautiful and the day to day stuff they do sounds wonderful...I WANT TO GO - they do yoga, swim, meditate, get group and individual therapy....sign me up. I need it more than he does! I wonder if I can fake being an addict for a few months?

So, lets hope he gets in. I just hope they will make an exception for him to miss some of every week for court and probation....

I am still not thrilled that he has to be treated for his "mental illness" because I don't think he has one. But my hands are tied on that issue.

Dual Diagnosis Treatment: How it works

Dual diagnosis drug day treatment along with sober living is offered at our Sovereign Health of California Treatment Center in San Clemente. The primary objectives in treating addiction and dual diagnosis patients in a rehab center are to decrease those costly, repetitive drug rehab services you may be having and to address your whole world and not just part of the problem. Our multi-disciplinary team provides an intensive, practical dual diagnostic drug treatment modality at our center to increase harmony and understanding between family members, friends and community.
We are committed to giving knowledge about aspects of life skills that will enable participants to think conceptually and maintain the ability to think critically after treatment and for years to come.
When you enter into day treatment and sober living at Sovereign Health, your treatment begins with a series of assessments. These assessments will determine the nature of specific psychological issues and the extent to which these issues will affect recovery from alcohol or drugs. The initial assessment is referred to a medical doctor and addresses treatment needs.
After this initial meeting, you’ll be seen by the clinical director to identify issues that need work while in treatment. The results of these assessments are used to formulate an individual treatment plan that will be used to treat each client’s unique problems.
By treating you as a whole person, we can help you get it right the first time, and end the revolving door approach that may be causing you so much lasting pain.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

September 23, 2010

Anthony Update

I talk with him often because he has an illegal cell phone in there.  Last night he begged me for money and had some story about why he HAD to come up with the money and that he WOULD pay me back.  I told him this was the last time unless he really did pay me back.

His younger brother was arrested in an undercover drug bust....they had been following him for days.  The irony is that Timmy never even used drugs, let alone sold them, until a few months ago.  Then he went "big time" immediately and now is in jail with a felony charge and a $200,000 bail.   Anthony is FURIOUS that after all this time Tim decided to "be stupid".

I just feel bad for their grandparents...I talk to his grandmother at least once a week (well mostly I listen).  Its not fair.  But its not fair to any of us.  Life is not fair right?

I totally  understand now how someone can distance themselves almost completely from their own child.  Sometimes its the only way to survive.

I hope I don't have to do that.  So far so good - one whole day has passed :)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

September 21, 2010

I want to think the best....but really, why would I?


Is Keven ready to quit?
Or is this just the beginning of a looooong process that may or may not end in the next ten years....or in his lifetime.

There are so few success stories.

I remember when I thought he would be one.

I guess this "second chance" (LET'S SEE HOW ABOUT TWELFTH CHANCE?) could be the one?

Who the hell knows.

I am slowly catching up with all my blog friends.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Once Again He Gets a Chance

The court he is in is called "Opportunity Court" but dang, how many opportunities does he get?

He is in jail today and then will start an "Intensive Out Patient Program for Dual Diagnosis".  He will wear a drug patch 24/7 and be monitored daily with a Breathalyzer for alcohol.  He will attend 90 NA meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, and follow a contract.  If he does not follow the contract he is out.  They wanted me to pay for Sober Living and I am already going broke paying for all his meds, therapist, etc. etc. etc. so I said this is his one last chance and the JUDGE told him the same thing:  "One call from your mother and you're out."  I didn't want him to come home but its pretty clear that he has not room to mess up so we'll see how serious he is.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

September 20, 2010



Talked to a lot of people today:  Gina (Kev's PO), three of his friends who called me (the good kind), heard from his therapist, his mentor, Brad,  who didn't even know what was going on just happened to call me.

FINALLY heard from the addict himself.

He was very sad, he admitted he needed help, he knows he's not allowed back in our home, he knows he's looking at jail (how long we don't know).  He's planning to come home this evening to shower and change and then I will drive him to Brad's house where he will spend the night and then Brad will drive him to court in the morning so he can turn himself in.

I was calm and rational and told him I would never give up on him, but that everything has changed from this point on.

We'll see what happens next.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

September 19, 2010

He Ran and is High

Tomorrow Keven is suppose to start an Out Patient Rehab.  He came home a little while ago, took money from our purses and told me he's on the run.

He said he'd been using today and had been drinking all weekend.

I told him if he left not to come back because he is no longer welcome in this house if he is using.  He said he hates himself and can't control his actions and will probably die tonight.

I called his PO and left her a message.

There is nothing else I can do.  I am numb.  I am going to go to bed like it was a normal night and go to work in the morning and live my life and hope that he gets thrown back in jail before its too late.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

September 18, 2010

The Cloud

I am catching up on many of your blogs and see that, sadly, most of us are still living with the cloud of addiction permeating our lives.  Even when we WORK HARD at not letting it bother us, the fact that we WORK SO HARD is evidence that its there is a problem.

A constant fear, anger, stress, worry....

I am so tired of it.  Its strong again like it hasn't been in months.  I feel like he's on the verge of something big, not something good.

I want my life back.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I just invited Ken Seeley to my blog....

I mentioned a few days ago that Keven's therapist works closely with Ken Seeley (some of you know him from A&E show "Intervention") and they would like to document Keven. I wrote about it here but then deleted the post because I had some facts wrong.

What I do know is that they will be coming to my home Tuesday to film. FILM! ME! Me, the woman who won't even post her own photo on her blog who likes to fade into the background and go unnoticed. But I will do anything if it helps Keven and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity - to get Ken Seeley's opinion and help with my son, that's a no-brainer. (I wonder what Tom from Recovery Help Desk has to say about this).

I don't know all of what it will entail, I am taking it one step at a time and seeing how it unfolds. Keven is 100% for it. Will he be honest with them? It doesn't matter, they will see through the lies and even the lies will be helpful insight into what's going on with Kev.

So, I invited Ken and Mcayla (Kev's therapist) to this blog. I feel safe because its invite only but thought I should let me readers know.

I am tempted to go back and see if I said anything negative here about the show "Intervention" because I have very mixed feelings about the it, but I think the show I blasted here was called "Addiction".

The new show that they are planning is about TREATMENT not just about the actual intervention (which is just a tip of the iceberg of recovery).

Ok, I will post a picture of myself because I need to get used to this. Here is one I took a few weeks ago when I must have had something to smile about...Those days are few and far between but I am going to get my life back before its too late. I will be 51 one week from today - I don't exactly have a lot of time left to meet my a guy, fall in love and get married but that's what I hope for someday.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

September 17, 2010

Update on the Documentary....

Ken Seeley contacted me today and personally asked me if Keven would be willing to be the subject of a case study. He said it would be filmed but would not be used for the TV show, but they may ask him later to be on the show. Kev's therapist thinks he is such a unique combination of "issues" that he would be the perfect candidate for them to study and learn from.

And what do we get out of it? TREATMENT FOR KEVEN at no cost to us and AN EXPERT in the field of addiction digging in to my son's life to HELP him. That seems too good to be true, but its also very scary.

The only catch is, if you can call it a "catch", is that Keven has to be 100% honest with them. They want to start filming ME in our home on Tuesday. TUESDAY! This is happening FAST and I am a bit stressed. Its not like one of those things where they follow us around with a camera, its more like an interview....but ongoing for several weeks or months I think...

Keven already told me he doesn't want to go to "go away" to any rehab (and I can't force him).

If he is not going to agree to go the treatment they are offering, then why would we bother to do this? Unless it was to help them, which of course I want to do but not at the expense of our own well being.

I hate this. I should be excited about it but it is not sitting right for me for some reason. Maybe because I doubt Keven will be 100% honest.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

September 15, 2010

He's Home - Sort Of

Here is the plan made by his PO and agreed to by me:

He will attend "IOP" (intensive outpatient program) for several months.  The first three weeks are the most intense.  He goes five days a week and comes home to sleep here.

He  do 90 meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.
In the program he has a social worker, a psychiatrist, trained therapists, meetings, groups, etc.

the rules:  If he drinks or uses he is OUT of the house and must live in a sober living home.

In the midst of this I am 90% sure that he;s bulimic.  I know its rare for males but he throws up a lot after he eats.

I'm starting to date a bit here and there --- what do you tell a guy about your son when he's a dually dignosed mess?

September 14, 2010

I'm Ready to Tell Him to He Can't Live Here

First of all, I decided there is no way I want to be on that TV series. It would be more stress than I need or want and Keven is not capable of making a good decision right now so I will make it for our family. NO.

Second, I am so pissed off at him. I don't have the energy to go into it but he thinks he can come waltzing home out of the hospital with no consequences. He admits to me that he was there hiding from his PO (btw, his tests all came back clean so he hid for nothing).

His PO is going to give him several choices:

1. If you want to go home you have to do the Outpatient Program for three weeks, its 9 - Noon M-F.

2. If you don't want to do that you go back to Phoenix House

3. If you don't want to do that you can sit in jail till you decide what to do but you are NOT going home to pick up where you left off, you need HELP.

AND if he does not remove the "no visitors" and allow her to visit him tomorrow she is going to drop his ass from the program which means he does time for his crime and has a felony on his record.

I didn't tell him any of this, she is going to tell him and then it will be discussed with the psychiatrist at the family meeting tomorrow night.

He told me he doesn't want to live with us anymore. FINE! Move the hell out. He can't be homeless (part of probation requires you have a stable living environment).

I am just sick and tired of his life causing me so much stress.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

September 13, 2010

We Might Be on TV Series?

All I can say is: Holy Cow! What next? Apparently Keven and his therapist have been discussing a new project she is working on with Ken Seeley (he's one of the guys on Intervention). They are doing a pilot for a new show that will go beyond what you see on Intervention - it will chronicle all the things that go on within the family, in the doctors office, the therapists office, etc. etc. etc. And guess who she wants to film? Right!!

HE says he wants to do it. I do NOT want to be on TV, not because I am ashamed of my son or don't want "the world to see our problems" (I mean here they are on the internet for the world to see....) I am just not the "look at me" kind of person. I'd probably throw up or something from nerves of being on camera.

So, we'll see. BUT the perks is we get all the treatment and therapy they recommend FOR FREE for a year. That sounds good.


Keven is in the hospital and happy as can be cause he's on Ativan and hasn't a care in the world. Meanwhile I am out here talking to his PO, psychiatrist and therapist. I think Mr. Keven (as his PO calls him) is in for a rude awakening when he most likely goes back to jail and possibly into another live-in rehab. Its out of my hands...its all up the the law at this point.

Will keep you all posted. Thank you for the comments on the last post. I am so tired I just tried to turn the TV off with my cell phone.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

September 12, 2010


he stabbed himself in the stomach last night.  it looks horrible.  he asked me to drop him off at the mental hospital after he eats and takes a shower.  i said ok.  he says life is spiraling out of control and he needs to be in the hospital for a few days to feel better.  i don't know what to think but i will take him.  what he can't see is that he creates all these problems himself...what i can't see is that he "can't help it" its out of his control.  is it?  what is the point of all this crazy shit?  i truly don't get it.  i do know that the drugs and alcohol are a way of controlling the out of control feelings he has (including anger, fear, deep depression, anxiety, rage) but that the drugs are not helping, they are making it worse.  he says he wants to die but if so...he'd be dead by now.  i believe he wants to live.  i am too tired to use the cap key or hit the return button.  i wish he'd stay away for a looooong time not just 72 hours.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Hell Again

Things are really bad.  Keven is self destructive and on the run and there is nothing I can do.  If he comes home what do I do?  He needs help.  But what kind?  What do you do for someone who is full of rage, depression and fear and thinks the only answer is heroin?

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Now What?

Keven came home around midnight, got some stuff, told me he had to leave for a few days or something bad would happen, and split.  He was not high and said he was not going to get high.  Do I believe that?  I never believe or disbelieve anything anymore, I just wait to see what happens next.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

September 5, 2010

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back, Plus Prison Visit

Last night Keven had another episode because he DRANK ALCOHOL.  There are very few addicts that can drink alcohol without negative consequences, and Kev is not one of them.  I'll spare you all the details but I was up in the wee hours of the night listening to him and calming him down because that's what he needs when he comes home like that.

A strange thing - someone rang our doorbell at 1:30 am and we don't know who it was.  They waited, the dogs went crazy, they rang again and no one answered.  I was sound asleep with earplugs in.  My mom heard it but ignored it thinking I would answer it.  We don't think it was Keven's PO.  It bothers me wondering who would come over at that hour, it can't be a positive thing.

Went to Norco to visit Anthony today.  It was a "behind the glass" visit because he just got re-transferred back from a short stay at OCJ and was not at the right level for a contact visit.  He and his girlfriend talked for hours and I basically sat there and people watched most of the time.

Its interesting to see all the "family men" there interacting with their young children.  It makes you wonder what their stories are.  How did they end up in prison?  How does this affect their kids?  Lots of tired looking young mom's towing around toddlers and carrying babies.  It was sad.

I've been visiting blogs and getting caught up.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...