Goodbye Heroin Letter

Today I was going to write about my son's "love affair" with heroin.  Then I saw this letter which was published by this girl's parents after she died, only a month after writing it.  The article about it is  here.

When Keven talks about heroin, its as if he's talking about an old friend, or a lost love that he misses.  Hearing him talk that way concerns me, but it also helps me understand a bit more of what he's fighting against. This letter says so much.  I am so sorry this young woman lost the battle.  How many more will die?  I can't stand it.  Something has to change.

Question:  Do you think if teens were to read a letter like this one that it would stop them from trying it that first time?

Hannah

Goodbye Heroin, by 17-year-old Hannah Meredith.

 Dear Heroin,

I never want to touch you ever again, you've ruined my life, made me steal from my family, on probation 'cause of you, why I choose you I don't know?
You're the worst thing that ever came into my life. Yes, I did love you but now it's time to say goodbye.
I'm so ashamed of myself 'cause of you. I OD three times, you're a big risk to anyone that does it and to me.
So I'm going to be strong and stay away from you and never touch you again. My family have supported me all the way but I just kick them up the backside taking advantage of them.
Stole off my mother, granddad, Mam Iscoed. I borrowed money off her and didn't give it back. She's getting old now, and look what you've made me do, my nan — £120 stolen off her, once again 'cause of you.
I love my family from the bottom of my heart, it's not nice being called a junkie or smacked.
It feels horrible, you feel so small. Well I feel small, you made me feel like I'm worth nothing, just a dirty junkie sticking needles in my arms.
You're out of my life now, don't need you no more. Yeah, you've messed me up nearly two and a half years of my life but I've still got my whole life ahead of me and I'm going to prove to everyone that I can stay away from you, going to college, getting a job and a car.
Then get on with my life and get my family's trust back. Stop offending, that's the only reason I was doing all that 'cause of your dirty addiction. You make me sick to be honest with you.
I did love the buzz of you but you're not worth it. By losing my family, thinking about you p****s me off.
But not anymore, I'll make sure you stay away from me, and I'll stay away from you.
I was brought up by a good family not a bad one, yeah I've had a lot of problems in my life, been quite bad actually, all because of you (Heroin) (gear), (smack)!!
You're a killer, you've killed a lot of people and really they are good people. I'm lucky that you haven't put me in a box cemetery. Lost loads of my mates and it hurts me, they sometimes blank me 'cause they know I've been on you (gear) it's not nice when I've got pin holes in my arms and marks, track marks.
The illness that I go through when I use you and the after effects, cold turkey, clucking (corr), withdrawals, it's the worst feeling that you've put me through, being bad off you.
Wanted to kill myself a few times 'cause I couldn't go through it. Well guess what (heroin) I can and did do it. I can beat you anytime. I can control you, you don't control me.
I've got enough will power to get you out of my life for good. I'm strong and much stronger than you can ever be. I'm not losing anything over you. Goodbye heroin.
Never again. Family comes first.
Hannah Meredith

Blogging Has Changed for Me

This morning I'm trying to catch up on blogs.  Its amazing to me that I used to keep up with over 100 blogs.  Now I read only the addiction related blogs plus a few that are very special to me for one reason or another (Erin, Bob, Joey, Linda, Iris, Shawna, Seano and Nikole).  Occasionally I get to read some of my other favorites (Max, Joe, Amber, Lilo, Dana, Deb) and a few music blogs, but I don't even comment most of the time.

I just don't have the emotional energy I used to.  Sad, but true.  I'm not the person I was once and that person is gone forever.  At least a part of her is.  As I said in a comment to "There is No Hero in Heroin":

I try to fool myself sometimes thinking there is an end in site…I’ve witnessed a few success stories and know that its possible. But like my son always reminds me – he meets lots of “old addicts” in jail and rehab and at meetings, but there are few old heroin addicts. My boy is in jail right now too. I am enjoying the peace and wondering what will happen next. I sat across from him yesterday, he looked so healthy, clean, handsome and hopeful. My boy. My only child. He’s never made it longer than three months in the last three years (I thought he made it nine months once but found out that was a lie). Part of me died when all this began. It was the part that held hope, experienced pure joy, and felt real peace at times. It will never come back and I’ve accepted that. I will settle for occasional hope filtered through reality, joyful moments and peace when I know for a fact he’s safe and clean (which as you know is rare).

Also, I've noticed that a lot of people that used to blog have quit. I think blogging has become less popular since the immense rise in FB users. Those of us who still blog seem to do so for one of two (or both of these) reasons:

- writing is in our soul
- we are passionate about something, so we write about it

I guess I fall into both categories.

What is my point? I don't know, this is just what came out when I sat down in front of the keyboard. I suppose my point is that addiction infiltrated my life and everything has been affected, my health, my peace of mind, my relationships, my finances, my social life and even my writing.

Two AA Slogans for today:

"We aren't bad people trying to get good.
We're sick people trying to get well."

"The disease is progressive.
So is recovery. "

I need to remember that Keven has a disease, a disease without a cure. He can control his disease but it will never go away completely. Accepting that is the hardest part of all this. Even after all the knowledge I've gained on this topic - I still want to BELIEVE that some day he will just be "all better". But like cancer, it can come back at any time. Recovery is a PROCESS not a one time (or two, tree, ten....) time incident. 

 Progress - not perfection. Right.  I'll take what I can get and keep hoping for the best.  Deep sigh.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Talking to Kids About Drugs

If you haven't read Ron's blog today, stop on over to "An Addict in Our Son's Bedroom" and add  your comment.  He asks two important questions and asks for other parents to share.

Unfortunately, my experience with this topic (see comment to Ron below) has not been good.  I appreciate organizations that work on ways to prevent kids/teens from trying drugs.  I believe they are sincere and are doing the best they know how, but a lot of what I've seen (see this post for what I mean) is just not cutting it for the reality of today's youth.

What is the answer?  I think they need to ask some real parents (like Ron, like us) who have been in the trenches and understand this issue from the inside out for our opinions.  I think they should also ABSOLUTELY use recovered addicts of the current generation (most of our kids ages) to share what, if anything would have stopped them.

In Keven's case his answer was "Nothing.  Nothing anyone said or did would have stopped me from trying".

There is one thing that I'd like to see addressed and used in a positive way.  TEACH KIDS THAT THEY MAY HAVE A DISEASE.  Would Keven had tried if he knew he'd become addicted so easily?  No one explained to him that addiction chooses you, you don't choose it, and that SOME PEOPLE ARE PRE-DISPOSED TO THIS DISEASE.  It took me forever to accept addiction was a disease.  I thought that was a cop out, BS excuse used to justify it.  But after a few years, lots of lectures and one very awesome video presentation, I was a believer.

Here's my comment:

Ron, great questions.  It would be wonderful if talking to kids made a difference, and for some I'm sure it does.  For mine, it didn't.
 Here are my thoughts based on what I did with Kev:
 When he was in 4th grade (age 9/10) they had a drug awareness program.  Up to that point he had never mentioned drugs so I had not brought it up, knowing that all the kids learned about them in 4th.  The police came in with display cases of what all the drugs, etc. looked like and gave them all a talk about the dangerous of using and how to say no.
 Keven came home from the demonstration at school fascinated with all the drugs and paraphernalia he got to see and learn about.  He had every drug name memorized and proceeded to tell me how to use each one.  I was SHOCKED, it was my first indication that he saw drugs as something "cool", so I began at that time to have very frank discussions with him about my past experience of what drugs do to ruin, or end, a life.  I told him of friends I'd had in high school, I told him of statistics, I tried to relate it to him personally saying that he would not be able to pursue his sport if he used drugs, how it would affect his life, etc. etc.
 That was my strategy and it failed miserably.  He tried weed and alcohol at 15 and by the time he was 17 he had tried every illicit drug known to mankind and was addicted to heroin.  I don't know what I could have done differently.
 I'm looking forward to reading what others have to say.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

"Angel"

Years ago on a blog that is long gone, I wrote a lot about a young friend of mine who was in the depths of drug addiction.  I called her "Angel" to keep her anonymity.  At the time I had no idea that is was the beginning of my "training" in addiction; Keven was just a kid 12 or 13 when Angel started using.

Angel was like a daughter to me in some ways, but also a friend.  I loved her intensely.  I did all I could do for her.  I made mistakes that I thought were helping.  I learned so much about what an addict went through, etc.  I also know her family so got my first glimpse of what a parent goes through.

Eventually Angel got clean and I rejoiced, celebrated and ENJOYED her for three years.  Then last year the old Angel started to show up.  I honestly didn't think it was drugs at first - I thought her behavior was a direct result of getting involved with the scumbag that fed her addiction for years.  But then it became to obvious to ignore.  For the last year I have watched my Angel sink lower and lower into that ugly, dark place.

I was with her yesterday and she was on Meth.  I never brought it up - it was too obvious, why bother.  She was so out there I don't think she knew or cared if I knew.  Its heartbreaking.  She's suppose to be moving out of state today for a job promotion.  Her dad is driving 16 hours with her to her new home.  I'm sure she'll find a new supplier of drugs soon after she settles in.

I still love this young lady very much, but have let go of her - if you know what I mean.  She will be 26 this month.  I hope its not her last birthday.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

P.S.  Today is a big day for me for two reasons, will write more later have to get going!

The Cloud

I am catching up on many of your blogs and see that, sadly, most of us are still living with the cloud of addiction permeating our lives.  Even when we WORK HARD at not letting it bother us, the fact that we WORK SO HARD is evidence that its there is a problem.

A constant fear, anger, stress, worry....

I am so tired of it.  Its strong again like it hasn't been in months.  I feel like he's on the verge of something big, not something good.

I want my life back.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

hospitalization

he stabbed himself in the stomach last night.  it looks horrible.  he asked me to drop him off at the mental hospital after he eats and takes a shower.  i said ok.  he says life is spiraling out of control and he needs to be in the hospital for a few days to feel better.  i don't know what to think but i will take him.  what he can't see is that he creates all these problems himself...what i can't see is that he "can't help it" its out of his control.  is it?  what is the point of all this crazy shit?  i truly don't get it.  i do know that the drugs and alcohol are a way of controlling the out of control feelings he has (including anger, fear, deep depression, anxiety, rage) but that the drugs are not helping, they are making it worse.  he says he wants to die but if so...he'd be dead by now.  i believe he wants to live.  i am too tired to use the cap key or hit the return button.  i wish he'd stay away for a looooong time not just 72 hours.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Was it Dawn or Athena?

About four or five months ago I received an email from either Dawn or Athena.  I apologize for not remembering.  But I have never forgot the email.

It was about the difference between attending Al-Anon and NAMI and how they each pulled you in a different direction when your addict was dually diagnosed with both addiction (Al-Anon) and mental illness (NAMI).  They have almost opposite methods.  Tough love and no enabling or supporting with compassion and trying to help.

Since he seemed to be staying away from drugs, I decided that Keven's mental illness was the big issue.  I poured myself into learning all about it.  I went to the Family to Family classes (which I don't regret at all) and I feel qualified to diagnose mental illness and prescribe meds (not really, but seriously, the info they give you is very in depth).

Its much more difficult to navigate mental illness because its so nebulous, and there are no simple, straight answers.  With addiction its very clear:  stop using drugs and life gets better!

I've been treating my son as a Bipolar 1 with panic disorder, general anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder and possibly OCD.  THINKING HE IS REALLY SICK AND NEEDS HELP.

THEN the addiction rears its ugly head and he uses heroin again at the very first chance he gets to do it without any legal consequences!!!

So now I am back in the "mother of an addict" mode and am ready, willing and able to kick him out if needed (I actually fantasize about how nice it would be for him to be gone for awhile).

Is he ill?  
Is he ill and an addict?  
Is he only an addict?  
How do I treat him if he's both?  
How do I find the truth of which he is?  


Is he faking the illness?  
Is he manipulating us?  
Is it all a big game to him?  
What if its not? 
What if it is?

I wish he would never have been diagnosed.  I would feel a lot better dealing with just a drug addiction.  This is like a double edged sword - pointed at me.

P.S.  All the comments left on the last post were awesome...thank you. Wish I had the energy to answer each one individually.  I am trying to learn I can't always do that even when I want to.  Need to preserve energy for the next few days of "battle".

P.S.S.  You won't even believe what happened with his girlfriend today. Short story - she got busted for shoplifting.  Luckily he was not involved and was not with her when it happened or he'd be in a lovely orange jumpsuit right now.  Hey, that would solve a lot of my problems :)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Addict at Ten

I was emailing with a friend of mine today, Bob, and told him that Anthony's latest letter declared that he had "asked Christ into his life".  I used to be a very devoted Christian myself, but its a tough subject for me.  I asked Bob if he knew of a book, or something, I could pass along to Anth (he has a Bible already).  Bob directed me to Derek Steele, his website, video, and the book "Addict at Ten".

Watch this short clip, it will remind you that not all addicts end up in and out of prison, homeless or worse.



Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

War On Drugs

The following was written by a friend of mine who lives in a different country. The problems we have here in the USA are similar around the world. Its obvious that the drug problems are getting worse, not better. 

There is no easy solution but something has to change. I did a post here before about how educating young children about the dangers of drug abuse has not helped, and for some (my son included) was the beginning of an intense curiosity about drugs.

The main point I agree with that my friend makes below is "we need to spend the money we are spending on the war against drugs on treatment facilities and programs for those people that need it."  

I don't agree with every single point he made here, (I'm not ready to legalize all drugs but definitely to legalize marijuana).  I am still processing some of this, (sometimes I have to think about something for days in order to look at if from all possible angles).  A lot of this  goes right along with the changes that are being proposed here in the US by Senator Jim Webb and I support the changes he's trying to make.  

I know that my son is doing well today mostly because he was one of the few that was chosen for a special program that actually helped him rather than putting him in an endless cycle of incarceration.  Sending someone from from jail to the streets, and back to jail, with a few trips to the ER in between doesn't seem to serve many well.  Its an endless cycle that leaves a person feeling worthless and hopeless.  Anthony is the perfect example of this method of "treatment" which obviously doesn't help many addicts.  If a trip to jail, or two or three, made a difference there would be a decrease in drug abuse, not an increase.

Here are the thoughts of my friend.  I'd like to hear what you think about this:

War, what is it good for?

The War on drugs has failed. I believe this statement to be true and so does a group called L.E.A.P. (law enforcement against prohibition). A group of police and criminal justice workers, judges and the like, retired and still working that also believe this. The war on drugs has created a black market that is in dire need of regulation. Drug users and petty criminals who have tried and failed to fund their habits are being put in jail. There is not enough money in the sector to help those who need treatment.

Through the ages people find ways to get high, and whether drugs are legal or not people are going to use them. Some people believe that if there weren't any drugs that no one would use them, while other people believe that if there were more drugs then more people would use them. People are using, that's just it. Drugs are now readily available to anyone who wants them.

We need to spend the money we are spending on the war against drugs on treatment facilities and programs for those people that need it. Channeling the money into the health sector where many of the users end up anyway would support a system that is currently buckling under the strain. At the moment this sector is under funded, and cannot offer its clients the services they require. If the services were better more people would sustain prolonged periods of recovery.

We as a society need to get this issue, these problems, out in the open. The Government using mass education through the media needs to get the message out. Education is the key. The more we talk, the more we know. One drink won't kill Grandpa, one hundred will, it may sound simple and it’s something we understand. Drugs are the same. People need to talk about this. Everyone enters the social forum. We see that yes, there are underlying reasons why most people consume excessive drugs, but I believe people will be more inclined to seek the treatment if there is less shame attached. People shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for wanting to feel better about them selves. people can make their own informed decisions and this is I believe an important element in ones personal road to recovery from addiction.

If a person uses drugs I would like to think that they can get what they want / need at affordable prices just like other medications and that there is treatment available if they need it and that these issues are out in the open so that people (mainstream society / users alike) are aware of the benefits and dangers. That's the kind of community I want to live in.

I don't want to live in a world where people pay exorbitant prices for the drugs they use, or where a user has to buy drugs illegally in the street and then use alone. Where a drug user gets treated like a criminal, arrested and locked up. Where there are no available treatment options for the drug user or the waiting lists are too long. Finally, I don't want to live in a world where no one is talking about these social / health issues and the drug user can feel cut off, stigmatized or isolated.

One blog that I highly recommend if you are interested in seeing a change drug policies is:

Dad On Fire

Here is a letter he wrote, “A big part of my concern is a costly prison system, where SUD/MH(Substance use disorder/ mental health) gets little or no address, which with screening could be a good place to start treatment for jail bound addicts. Here’s what I see...

You can read the rest here:

Treatment for Jail Bound Addicts

On my mind this morning...

This weekend I thought about all the parents and loved ones of heroin addicts and of the addicts they love.  I prayed, cried and got angry and scared for all of us.

Life changes when someone you love becomes and addict.
You don't ask for it, you don't want it, but it happens and you're stuck dealing with it.

Same for the addict.  I don't think any of them wanted to become addicted and lose control of their life, relationships, safety, health, finances, reputation, possessions, self-worth.

Its hard for both sides to understand.  Both sides suffer.  There is usually a lot of anger and worry coming from the parents and loved ones and the addict is consumed with figuring out how to get more heroin.

Kelly's sponsor met with her parents this weekend to help them understand a bit better why she can't "just decide not to do it again."  Wouldn't it be wonderful if it were that simple? 

Keven told me last night he still misses it and thinks about it every single day.  I don't like knowing that but am glad he can talk about it (when he stops talking I will worry).  I wonder - is he done or is he just waiting to be off probation?  If so he's got another year to wait. 

I don't think Kev will throw all this away at this point in time and go back to square one.  But he could.  That's what sucks the most -  you never know.  I wrote the other day about how my high school friend is back in jail - he wrote me, it has been 15 years.  FIFTEEN YEARS?!?  WTH?

I am trying to psych myself up for the start of my new job, I leave for work in 20 minutes!


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Airing on TV Tonight

I am watching this show and its depressing the hell out of me.  
They really need to put a warning on these shows for addicts trying to recover NOT to watch.  I know it would make most heroin addicts crave - especially when they show them shooting up.  I don't think they should do that...its very upsetting for me, I can't imagine how Keven would feel seeing it.  He's not home, if he comes home I am turning it off.

Do shows like this do more harm than good?  I think it gives a better understanding into addiction (obviously) but is it going to make anyone choose not to start using?  Even knowing what I know, part of me is curious...just what is it about heroin that makes it better than sex, better than love, better than any other high?  Maybe I should try it just once to find out...I'm not like the people on that show.  I won't get addicted...not me!

(for anyone who thinks I am serious, don't worry I am just being facetious, but in my teens/twenties that is exactly what I would be thinking)

Some of us have been talking about this show that will be on tonight, it looks very interesting:

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Finally, the Message is Getting Out Around Here

I've known about the "heroin epidemic" in Orange Country for a few years now, before Keven ever took his first syringe full.  I would talk to people about it but unless they were directly affected they looked at me like I was nuts -

"Teen Heroin Addicts?  In upper/middle class "perfect"

Orange County families???  No way!" 

Yes, its sad but true.  Spend a day in Courtroom H-2 at Newport Harbor Superior Court and you'll see kid after kid, mostly from South Orange County (Mission Viejo, Irvine, San Clemente, Lake Forest...)

The Cal State Fullerton newpaper "Titan"  has an excellent article in their newspaper today.  It states the basics, what every parent hear needs to be aware of it they like it or not.

Its not something we want to know about, denial is so much easier than those ugly words, "my kid is a junkie".   I literally felt my heart aching thinking about these young people's lives, their parents, my boys..wondering if it will continue to be a growing problem or if our government would stop turning its back on the fact that all of it is imported and its affecting an entire generation across our country.

Introspect: Heroin addiction sweeping through Orange County
by Jennifer Karmarkar

Discussing the Disease

The other day, Peggy, over at Helplessly Hoping shared about a friend that has cancer and is writing a book on "how to be a friend to a friend who's sick". (if you have not read her post I highly recommend it). Peggy is asking readers to suggest ways people can be supportive to friends and family of addicts.

It got me to thinking - how do people react to the addict themselves? How do you be a friend to someone that's using or in in recovery?

I think with most diseases, the ill person receives a lot of support, encouragement, understanding, even pity. With addiction the opposite seems to be true. Addicts are often looked down upon, judged, avoided.

Don't most of us (including our government) agree that addiction is a disease? If someone starts using a drug (including alcohol) and uses/drinks to the point that their health and/or life is at risk, then that person is considered to have the disease of addiction, right?

But still, the stigma persists. Nowadays, I feel defensive more than ashamed when discussing my son's addiction. I want people to understand its not a choice. Yes, it was a choice to use the drug in the first place (how many of us haven't made very poor choices in our lives?) but becoming an addict was not the desired outcome of that choice.

Here is a definition I just found while cruising around the Web:

Back to the disease concept. Addiction is classified as a disease because it meets the criteria of all other terminal diseases:

- It has pattern of symptoms which are similar across all types of substance abuse

- It is a chronic condition. It doesn't go away.

- It is progressive. Addiction only gets worse with continued use, and ends with death.

- The person is subject to relapse. In Australia, 66% of addicts who are lucky to live long enough to make it to detox will eventually die as a direct result of the disease.

- It is treatable. Here's the good news, while substance addiction is a terminal illness, its progression can be arrested at almost any stage. But if you are seeking treatment, it is of the utmost importance that you gain medical advice. Sudden withdrawal, even from "socially acceptable" drugs such as alcohol, can cause death through seizures and coma.

I hid Keven's addiction from a few family members for months and then just spit it out one day at a family gathering. I don't know what certain family and friends think of it, I imagine some people are judging my son for being so "weak" and me for "raising an addict". Those reactions no longer anger me In a convoluted sort of way its actually good that some people think that - it means they have no personal experience of it and therefore have not had to endure the heartache many of us know intimately.

But I do hope that things change, that people would understand that no one would choose this as their life. It chooses them. Just like cancer or diabetes or heart disease. There are things we can do to prevent those diseases, but that is no guarantee against them, some people will get cancer no matter how well they care for their health.

I'll end with something else I read on the same site quoted above:

When world governments begin to understand that the cost in providing this care (detox and recovery) free of charge is far outweighed by the benefits to society, we will begin to see an incredible drop in poverty, violence and divorce. The cost in providing this care will also be offset by the decrease in need of other hospitalization. 1 in 3 hospital beds in Australia are taken up by people with conditions that can be directly linked to drug abuse. At best, the world health systems overall are only currently providing band-aid solutions to one of the greatest scourges of mankind.

You can check out what he wrote in full here (he's in Australia and wrote this a few years ago but it still applies today...unfortunately).

P.S. My friends and family, especially blog friends, have been very supportive and non-judgmental, the occasional ignorant and/or insensitive questions is asked, I try not to punch the person in the nose when that happens.

Peace, Hope and Love,

Barbara

A Depressing but Real Story

I found this article linked over at Dad on Fire and read every word, the young man in the article reminds me of a combination of Anthony and Kev:  Ant the hugger, the one trying to save everyone else; Kev the giver, the one who can't pass a panhandler without giving something.  

Its a sad article but I need reality:

“He wanted to help everybody,” said his mother. “He wanted to save everybody.”
For three years after attending the wake for Brockton’s Shannah Duggan, Pacheco tried to save himself, waging a furious fight to keep the promise to his mother.

Nine times he admitted himself to a treatment facility, often spending days trying to find a bed. Once, he had himself imprisoned in a desperate attempt to break the drug’s hold.

He tried anti-addiction medications, substitutes, therapy, counseling — anything that offered a hint of hope. And he shared his pain, seeking help from family, friends, priests, workmates, strangers, counselors, judges, doctors and God.

But on Aug. 9, 2008, after staying off heroin for two years, Pacheco relapsed, overdosed and died."

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

MAJOR DEVELOPMENT! A GOOD ONE!

Guess who unexpectedly started breathing on his own this evening!!!

I am still jumping for joy.  They were able to remove the ventilator and he's TALKING!

I can't wait to see him tomorrow!  He still has a lot of recovering to do, but this is HUGE.  I swear, I really thought we might lose him on Saturday, it looked so bleak.

Thank you all so much for caring!  I may print out some of the comments left here and show them to him - to remind him that we are all in this thing (life) together, its not a solo journey, its about reaching out.  I want him to kick this addiction once and for all because he has so much to offer the world, and now he has a "miracle story" of how he almost died but didn't.

Also, if you know Tall Kay, please stop and pray for, she lost her father, he died this morning.  He'd been ill but seemed to be doing better.  When I think of someone who is in recovery and gives back - I think of her.  She is an amazing gal.



Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Why Are They Addicts in the First Place?

Seeing K today was nothing like I expected.  He did not ask to come home.  He was very concerned about getting back in time.  We hit traffic (road work) and were running late and it was very upsetting to him.

We went to his doctor, who is also my doctor, and he went in without me.  I take him back in two weeks to see how the new meds work.  Please pray that they work well.

I don't even want to talk about my time with him.  Too personal.  But I will say I am very concerned about his well being and have more compassion for him than ever.

Why do people start using drugs in the first place?  I know there are many reasons but for some, and I believe this to be true of my son, part of it was to cover up the emotional pain.

We did have some good moments.  Driving back he seemed more hopeful and we talked about cars (one of his fave topics).  I have to stay positive.  I have to.

Thanksgiving Visit

Had a really nice visit with K last night.  It was so warm we sat outside on some benches and talked from 8 - 10 pm (I thought of some of you who live in cold weather, I really am spoiled with this climate).

For the most part we talked about all the things he wants to do when he gets home, the kind of car he wants to buy someday, etc.  He LOVES cars.  But a few things he said scared me.  For example:  he wants to work out and "get buff" again so he's really big if he goes to prison.

WHAT?  Why would he even think that.  :( 

He said "Mom, there's only two ways it can go, I'll stay clean or go to prison, I just want to be prepared in case that happens".  

I reminded him that he has the choice - its not one way or the other, its up to him.

I will just end here.  I know he wants to stay clean, he's being "realistic".  I just want to hear "I'm never using again, I learned my lesson, this is it".

I shared with him something someone said to me recently about powerlessness:

You are powerless over your addiction WHEN YOU ARE USING.

You have power to choose when you aren't.

So is everyone out there shopping today?  I am going to one bookstore but that's it!  Have fun today whatever you're doing and STAY HOPEFUL.  I will be catching up on your blogs later today.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Visit With Ant

I haven't mentioned my "other son" lately but have visited him the last few Sundays at OCJ.  Today I couldn't help but notice the difference between visits with him and my actual son.  The actual always has a list of things for me to do, we often get in some sort of disagreement and usually run out of things to say since we would talk several times via the phone between weekly visits.

But when you take away all emotions that are involved with parenting an addict, its completely different.  I love Ant but because he's not my child there is no history, not as much worry, no guilt, no anger, no arguing, etc.  He is just thankful someone cares about him.

He's doing well but admitted to worrying about using again.  I think this is actually a positive because all the other times he said "I am never using again, this is it, I'm done with this".  This time he knows what it will be like to step out into freedom.  And ironically the jail is only blocks away from the streets where they buy drugs (if I know this I am sure the cops know this - why do they let it continue?).

It was good to see his smile, hear his voice.  He has a lot more maturity than K, but he's also 4 years older and has had a difficult life (losing a mom, dad in and out of prison, no stable home or guidance growing up).

He said he's been mentoring a few of the guys in the program (he's in a drug program inside the jail) and that its weird cause they are older than him but this is their first time and he's lost count of how many times he's been down this road.

I HATE THE DISEASE OF ADDICTION!

I hate it with a passion.  I sat there and looked at him, thought of K, and felt anger welling up inside me.  When you walk out of jail labeled a "felon" and "an addict" people look at you different.  You feel inferior.  Its ten times harder to find employment or rent an apartment or even make friends.  These men and women - no matter what their age - deserve a CHANCE to get better. 

It breaks my heart that addiction is still looked upon as a weakness or a choice, or blamed on bad parenting or bad friends.  None of that is true.  But once you succumb to the disease its like it owns you, there isn't an injection you can take like for diabetes.  There's no chemo or radiation like for cancer.  And few people have compassion for addicts compared to those afflicted with "acceptable" diseases.  When's the last time you saw a "walk for addiction" fund raiser?

I know I'm preaching to the choir here.  I will probably write more about addiction as a disease later this week.  It seems to be a theme in my mind lately and I saw a great video on it the other night.

Bottom line:  Ant is doing well and wants to do well but knows how damn hard it is once he's out.  He's going to write K another letter reminding him to take advantage of all the great opportunities (group meetings, counseling, etc) he's going to receive at PH.  I love it that he can tell K the things I want to say - but you know coming from a friend you look up to its carries a ton of weight, whereas coming from mom it often goes in one ear and out the other :)

Thinking of and praying for all of you who read here.

Song of the day, for Ant.

Behind Blue Eyes - Roger Daltr...

The Day the Nightmare Began:

Last year, Dec. 18 to be exact, was the beginning of the realization that my son had a serious drug problem.  I think its a good thing that we can't foresee our future because if I would have known then what this year would be like...I don't think I could have handled it.  One day at a time is more than just a "slogan" its a survival mechanism.  Here is what I wrote that day.

Today was just horrible.



Getting the call from the school, sitting there with the cop hearing about my son's drug problem, telling my MOTHER and BROTHER about it (something I thought I'd never do), now I am just sitting.


He's crashed, been crashed for several hours. Do I let him sleep or wake him up?  Where the heck did he get heroin?  HEROIN?  my boy?  MY BOY?


What if he wakes up in the middle of the night and freaks out?


I hid all the car keys in the house so he can't leave....unless he calls one of his "bad" friends to come and get him.


I can't read, write or watch tv. I am all wound up. I guess I am writing...


I took tomorrow off so I could sit here all day and watch him but he will HATE that. Tough.


I don't know what to do .....


I am afraid to ever sleep again, that's when he does all this shit - when I am sound asleep.  I KNEW, I just didn't know what or how bad....oh my God.  Who is that kid in there sleeping?



THIS TOTALLY SUCKS.

82 Days Clean

K's been incarcerated for 82 days.  I like to look at it as "82 days clean and sober".  I wonder if he would have got this far if he weren't in jail.  I honestly doubt it.  The longest he'd gone before was 30 days.

The last time he was in jail (22 days) he used three days after getting out.

And the wonderful thing is...he goes straight into court ordered rehab.  That means if he messes up (tests dirty or violates probation in any way) he goes straight back to jail.

Never in a million years could you have convinced me that I would find such a sense of relief for my only child to be in jail, but I am grateful.  The way he was living, the alternative would have been the cemetery.

Of course that cycle could easily start again, but I am celebrating the positive until I have a reason not to.