Waiting for the phone to ring...

Without going into a ton of detail, I am waiting for Keven to call from jail.  At court yesterday he was given yet another week to choose what he wants to do.  After a long talk with our attorney, I've had some difficult introspection and decisions to make.  I'll share more when I know the outcome.

Bottom line:  The addict can suck the life out of the entire family, IF you let him.

Its not fair, but that's how it is.  And the real unfairness of it all is that when you choose not to let them suck the life out of you - that in itself can become all consuming, draining, stressful and emotional.

So its a constant battle of staying on my toes and going against my nature as a mother.

Total bottom line:  I'm drained.  I feel like that apple.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Another Big Day in Court

Hmmm, it seems this phrase has passed through my lips several times, but this time, it really is "a critical day in court for Keven".

Judge L. will either decide to:

a) send  him back to monitored living at Cornerstone which would be our choice
b) send him back to extended care living at Cornerstone which would cost us more money
c) kick his ass out of the program and make him serve his prison term and be a lifelong felon
d) something else

I am pretty confident it will be A or B thanks to our amazing and much loved attorney.

I never thought I'd hire an attorney, but because I did he's had someone fighting for him, and trust me it makes a huge difference.  Its angers and saddens me that the majority of people (us included until recently) have to get by with a Public Defender that doesn't really even know them.  Our attorney has become a big part of Keven's life. She calls him, she takes his calls collect from jail, she sends him encouraging texts out of the blue just to see how he is.  She calls, texts and emails me often.  But the best thing is she chose to work ONLY with drug addicts, its become a passion for her.  She is highly respected in our court.  I'm not too worried about tomorrow.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Everything Happens for a Reason (?)

I woke up with a smile on my face and a positive outlook on life.  Bizarre, but true.

Annette mentioned in a comment below that everything happens for a reason, and I believe that too, do you? I used to hate the thought of that because it always made me think "what was he reason my dad had to die when he was so young?".   I still haven't figured that out because I think my life would have been different (better) if he had lived.  But I may not have had Keven....I probably would have got married and had a family the normal way because I would have been a different person if my dad was around during my teens and my life would have taken a different direction.

Anyhow, I feel better today.  Thanks for the support yesterday.  My plan is to go visit him today (I am so lucky its only a short drive) and have a talk with him face to face about what's going on and what will most likely happen next.

We still have an attorney and she called me twice yesterday.  She knew all about this before Keven or I did since she works closely with his PO.  She also knows the judge really well and thinks after her initial anger at Keven wears off she will give him yet another "final chance" and send him back to Cornerstone.  Unfortunately this means back to "Extended Care" which means at least $10,000 (or more).  My family is tapped out financially because of Keven, so I dug out all my credit cards (I had several in a drawer with 0 balance) and am going to max them all out to pay for it.  I already have four maxed our cards so what the hell....what's another 10 grand right????

I refuse to let this get me down.  I have "relapsed" myself by not taking care of myself like I should and spending too much time focused on Keven and Anthony.

Speaking of Ant - I know I said I was done with him, of course that was said in anger.  I went to see him two days ago and it was pathetic.  He'd been off heroin for days but was so high he could barely stand up, his eyes were half closed and he was slurring his words.  He doesn't remember me being there.  He was taking Suboxone and eating chocolate bars laced with hash oil.  Lovely.  He even insisted that I take a few home so I did, and tossed them in the trash.

At least he's in a detox now and from there off to yet another rehab.  I kind of am done with him.  I love him, but I am closing the door now so it won't hurt so much to see him either incarcerated or buried.  I don't think he's going to make it long in this world.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Amazing Attorney

She only works with addicts and dually addicted clients.  She charges very reasonable fees.  She would do her job for free if she could.  She cares.

She texted me today to ask how her "superstar, Keven" was doing.  I told her he was doing good and looking for a job.  She called him to encourage him.

Do all attorneys do stuff like this?  Even when they are paid in full and no longer retained by us?

I think she cares.  I really do.  Keven already told me that when he is finally done with this program and stands up in court to give his speech (they each give one when they complete all four phases which in his case will be another YEAR from now) he is going to say "I wouldn't have been able to stand here today if it weren't for S______ (attorney's name)"

Yeah, we had to pay her to keep him out of prison and in Recovery Court, but it was worth it.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara