The Mother of a Heroin Addict?

As I read the description of this blog its hard to believe I am talking about ME. This was not suppose to happen. You raise your child with love and do your best and hope that any mistakes you make will not result in any serious damage.

Then something happens and everything about life changes...your child becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol.

People say "its not your fault, you did the best you could". Al-Anon says the most important thing to remember is the three "C's": You did not Cause it, You can not Control it, You can not Cure it.

I believe those things on the surface but deep down inside of course I blame myself! How could I not?!? He's my son.

Sometimes I find myself envying other partents that have husbands or wives. Doing this alone sucks and I also blame myself for bringing him into the world with a good-for-nothing father that proved to be even more disappointing than my already low expectations of him.

Short story on that: At age 30 I got pregnant by my ex-boyfriend. I did not love him, he did not love me. It was a one-night-stand with someone I felt comfortable with and had previously dated for two years.

When K was born "Bio Dad" showed a bit of interest, but not much. He would visit him for once a month for a few hours. No child support. K would never quite get comfortable around his bio dad because once a month is not enough to really bond. When K turned 12 I was struggling financially and filed for child support (I asked nicely at first but he said "if you force me to pay you I will never see K again").

Well, that ticked me off. It took a year to get the paperwork through the system and then I started getting monthly checks and the monthly visits stopped. Now bio dad would see K on his birthday and Christmas only (both in December).

By this time K had figured it out and decided he hated his dad. Of course what he really feels is hurt, rejection, and less valuable to him than his precious paycheck.

So yes, I blame myself for a lot of the reasons K decided to take the drug route. I searched high and low (at church and the Christian ministry I worked at) for a positive male role model to take K under his wing. A few men said they'd invite him along the next time they took their sons fishing or dirt bike riding, but they never did. The pastor of my church even met with me to develop a plan to help K when he was starting to show signs of rebellion, but nothing ever became of the plan. I don't blame these men - they have their own families, why should they reach out to a lonely boy craving the attention of an adult male (pardon my bitterness, it just burned in my heart as I wrote this, it will pass).

So K started latching on to any male that would pay attention to him...they guy that served us bagels every Sunday who was super cool and nice, the men we met trap shooting at the gun club, and a few others. But of course they were just strangers being friendly.

Then when he was 17 he met Jon at the gym. Jon was so cool, totally buffed out, and he immediately became K's body building mentor. When I met Jon and his girlfriend K told me that they went to the local community college and they were both so friendly I was glad he had some nice friends...though it did bother me a bit that they were older.

Well, I am not blaming Jon, I am just explaining HOW K got into heroin. Jon and his girlfriend introduced it to Keven and that was it. He became hooked immediately. He started using last October but I didn't know how serious it was until December (denial?).

So a nice kid with a mom who loves him meets another nice kid who's mom and dad love him (Jon has caring parents, a nurse and a businessman of some sort). Heroin addiction isn't just for hardcore druggies. Its happening to our CHILDREN in nice middle class neighborhoods where you don't even have to lock your doors cause crime is almost non-existent.

I just wanted to get this post out of the way. Sort of an introduction to my son and how he got started. It only took ONE TIME. O N E T I M E.

A Hurting Grandmother

This sort of goes along with the dialog that's been happening in my comments.

Anthony's grandmother called the other night because she discovered some suspicious items in her home.  Ant's younger brother (not a drug user up to this point) lives with her.  She's been finding black smudges around her house, a piece of foil stuck in a book, and a cut in half straw.

I asked if there was a black line on the foil.  She said yes.  I gave the low-down on all the ugly facts of what it looks like, how its used, etc.

She cried out "I am the worst parent in the world, I've ruined these boys, they are both using heroin, their mother (her daughter) died of drugs, I am horrible...."

I promised her it was not her.  And I know she didn't believe me.

Controversial Statement, what do you think?

Anna did a post on this statement made by Partnership for a Drug Free America: "When Mom's Get Involved, Kids Don't. Learn How To Keep Your Kids Safe."

Several of us were put off by it because this is simply not true. "Partnership" has had ads on TV for years that imply this same thing: If parents talk to their kids about drugs, the kids won't do them.

Its a travesty that a seemingly "expert" organization is giving false hopes to parents all over America. How many of you talked to your kids about drugs? How many of you have an open line of communication with your children? Did it make a difference?

Yeah, about as big of a difference as the D.A.R.E. program and The Red Ribbon Week. I know these organizations are well meaning, but they often do more harm than good. My son became fascinated with drugs when he learned about them in one of these programs :(

Please go to Her Big Sad's blog and read what she wrote on this topic, she makes the point really well.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

If Talking Made a Difference, Would Your Kid Be Drug Free?

I am all for educating parents as much as possible and think that "The Partnership for a Drug Free America" does a good job of that.  BUT what irritates me is that they insinuate on their TV ads and on-line that talking to your kids makes a difference.

I talked to K about drugs for years before he actually tried them.  We discussed everything from drugs to sex to ______  stuff I can't even say here cause its personal between him and me.  My point is, we have always had open communication, a close relationship and he loves and respects me.

TALKING ABOUT IT DIDN'T CHANGE A DAMN THING!

So to me, this sort of campaign gives false hope to parents who think their kids are going to be safeguarded against drug use if they talk openly about it.

Kids are taught that drugs are  "bad" as early as the fourth grade in our school district.  In fact all the grades are involved in "Drug Use is Life Abuse" week every year.

I don't think knowledge is the answer, and I know that open communication and a good parent/child relationship is not the answer.


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

p.s.  I have to wonder if we over-educate our kids about drugs, I swear K sounds like a pharmacist when he talks about drugs and he learned it all either in school or on the streets and by using.

Anxiety - Thank You - Retrospect

Saw K today and its almost unbearable to see him in the stages of anxiety.  I can see it in his eyes, his breathing, his behavior.  He was able to talk more about it today, which really helps him.  He also told me it helps to talk about his "drug stories" because it takes the edge off wanting to use (I knew this because he sometimes tells me stories I rather not hear).  He doesn't talk about drugs (specifically)  in group because it triggers people, so one guy there, that doesn't have a drug problem, offered to let K share his stories with him.  K says its been a huge help to him to get it "out of his head".

I hate that he needs to be medicated just to get through life, but what alternative is there?  Life is hard enough as it is, why do some people have so much more to deal with?  Why do some people seem to be "okay".  Is anyone really "okay"?  

Thanks for the nice comments about the interview I did with Alltreatment.com.  I had never done anything like that before so it felt a bit vulnerable.  Speaking of that - I also appreciated the comments on the story I re-told about what happened last year at this time.  Its interesting to write something the day it happens, then write about it again a year later with retrospect.  I have a few more stories like that to share in the next few weeks.  Dec/Jan were like a nightmare last year.

Sometimes I feel like I should NOT be sharing all this, that its too personal, that it could possibly hurt K in some way at some time.  But when I get an email or a comment that says "thanks, what you said helped me" I know that its the right thing to do and K would agree.  Amidst all his "issues" he is very compassionate and empathetic towards others and likes knowing that some good can can come from something so dark.


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Interviewed at AllTreatment.com

Last week I was interviewed by Alltreatment.com.  Here is the link if you'd like to read it.

Today has been draining.

Hope all of you are doing well, I'll be checking blogs later.


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Sharing With Other Parents...

For some reason I felt compelled to write about this today over on my other blog, Writing From the Inside Out.

From an Addict to Moms:

Debby over at Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction - A Mother's Story has an excellent post today.  She received a comment from a young man who is an addict.  He reads her blog to gain perspective on what it must be like for his mother and also shares what its like for him.

Check it out:

Visit from His Bio-Dad

• I was never married to my son's father.  We dated two years, broke up, a year later got together one night and I got pregnant.
  
• For the first two years of his life, bio dad pretended his son did not exist (until his sister ran into me with K one day and shouted "OMG!  That's T's kid isn't it, it looks just like him").  His family embraced K so Thom was forced to acknowledge his son.
• From age 2 - 12 T would see K once a month for a few hours.  A strong bond never formed but it was better than nothing.
• I asked for child support and to punish me for that, T stopped seeing K from age 12 - 18 except for his birthday (December 7) and Christmas.  Twice in one month, nothing the rest of the year.

Needless to say they are not close.  I do not respect T but I KNOW how important it is to K that his father be in his life.  Ksays he doesn't care anymore, etc. but the rejection factor is undeniable, Thom's actions hurt K deeply.

In April I called T and told him what had been going on in the last 4 months and asked him to PLEASE talk with his wife and think of a way that they could include K in their family (K has a 1/2 brother, age 13 he has not seen in years).

Nothing.  Never heard from him again.

Last week I called him again and kind of let him have it...getting out my anger that I had held in for years.  I ended by saying, "Look, the bottom line is your son needs you to be involved in  his life so step up to the plate."

And shockingly - he DID.

He went to see him IN JAIL (of course I asked K if he wanted to see his dad first - he said yes).

K said it was a bit awkward "like always" but that his dad said he could get him a job where he works when he gets out.  THAT would be AWESOME.

I hate calling Thom K's "Dad".  He's his biological father but that's too hard to say and type.  "Bio-Dad" sounds weird like K was grown in a lab or something.  "Dad" seems like too noble of a title for him. but just maybe he will finally earn that title.  Its never too late and like it or not my son needs and wants him in his life.

"An Addict In Our Son's Bedroom"

I am pretty sure most of you already read the above mentioned blog.  If not it needs to be required reading for all parents of addicts.  Its written by parents (mostly "Dad") that have an excellent understanding of all the multi-faceted issues that come along with parenting an addict.

I hope if "Mom" reads this she takes it the right way:  I often wish "Dad" were my husband.  I think most mothers are naturally more nurturing, protective and sensitive to their children and therefore have a much harder time switching gears to be logical, firm and unwavering in their quest to help their child. 

So I rely on this blog, and the comments "Dad" leaves me, to be that masculine voice of reason I admit I lack.  I have learned a lot, I have all the head knowledge to do this job right, but I never signed up to parent an addict - I am a loving, supportive, encouraging mother.  Its way more fun than being tough, strong and firm.

Please, I'm not saying all men are one way and all women are another, I'm just saying for me personally, I am well aware of my areas of weakness in parenting and its clear why children are designed to have two parents that compliment each other and support each other in balancing all the things it requires to raise a child.

This is the perfect time to say:  My son's "father" is visiting him in jail today.  If you know our story this is a HUGE ORDEAL and I would love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation!  I'll let you know how it goes, hopefully K will dish out details instead of just responding "yeah, it was cool" or "no, it sucked".

This is the fuzzy pink robe belt I refer to in my comment on one of their posts today.

They have TWO good ones over there!  Read them both!

"An Addict In Our Son's Bedroom"

I am pretty sure most of you already read the above mentioned blog.  If not it needs to be required reading for all parents of addicts.  Its written by a couple (mostly "Dad") that have an excellent understanding of all the multi-faceted issues that come along with parenting an addict.

I hope if "Mom" reads this she takes it the right way:  I often wish "Dad" were my husband.  I think most mothers are naturally more nurturing, protective and sensitive to their children and therefore have a much harder time switching gears to be the type of parent an addict needs to survii

So I rely on this blog, and the comments "Dad" leaves me, to be that masculine voice of reason I admit I lack.  I have learned a lot, I have all the head knowledge to do this job right, but I never signed up to parent an addict - I am a loving, supportive, encouraging mother.  Its way more fun than being tough, strong and firm.

Please, I'm not saying all men are one way and all women are antoher, I'm just saying for me persoanlly, I am well aware of my areas of weakness in parenting and its clear why children are designed to have one of each sex raising them.  That's just my personal belief.

This is the perfect time to say:  My son's "father" is visiting him in jail today.  If you know our story this is a HUGE ORDEAL and I would clean out my bank abount (only have 25.79 in there) to be a fly on the wall of for that conversation!  I'll let you know how it goes.

What Advice Would You Give?

I've learned a lot from other parents of addicts.  I've had a few friends with younger children ask me how they can prevent their children from getting involved in drugs.

I'd like to hear from other parents:

1)  what do you wish you would have known sooner?
2)  what would you have done different?
3)  anything else you want to add

I guess my main piece of advise would be that this happens in all types of families.  Loving your child and being the best parent you know how to be is not a guarantee that things won't go wrong.  Be alert, be aware and be IN CHARGE.  I made the mistake of thinking my son would never try serious drugs, and then when I found out he did I went into denial instead of taking serious, tough love, action.

UPDATE:  Mom of Opiate Addict left me a comment reminding me that Dad and Mom recently posed this question on their blog and got a great response, so please check it out here.

He sent a letter and asked me to look up the lyrics to this song:

Mama, by My Chemical Romance

She Used to be my enemy and never letting me be free,
catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be,
Every other day I crossed the line
I didn't mean to be so bad,
I never thought you would become a friend I never had

Back then I didn't know why,
Why you were misunderstood (mama),
So now I see through your eyes,
all that you did was love

Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
You're my friend

I didn't want to hear it then but
I'm not ashamed to say it now,
Every little thing you said and did was right for me,
I had a lot of time to think about,
about the way I used to be,
Never had a sense of my responsibility.

Back then I didn't know why,
why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all that you did was love,

Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
You're my friend ,you're my friend

But now I'm sure I know why (I know why),
why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all I can give you is love (all I can give you is love),

Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
You're my friend, you're my friend

Ohh, my mama my love
Ohh, my mama my love

In love in you, in love in me
And love is true and guaranteed

  I'mloving you,you loving me
our love that's true so true
...
painting by Jennifer Winship Mark

Acceptance

What would I do without this blog? A place to write out what I am thinking and feeling related to the most horrible thing in my life. I am a survivor of some very heavy stuff. I am strong. I have overcome a lot and continually work on improving myself in my areas of weakness (which I am well aware of, trust me on that one - smile).

BUT, the one area that I have been weak, and continue to struggle and suffer through is being a mother. I have heard for years from people in my son's life and my life what a "good mom" I am. I love hearing that, what parent doesn't want to hear that?

I also know what it means: It means that they see how much I love my son. They see that the mistakes I make are out of love, not neglect or uncaring. I LOVE my son as most parents love their children. If only "bad parents" had kids in jail, addicted to drugs or committing crimes, our jail system would be UNDER crowded.

And I know what it doesn't mean: It does not mean I have done a good job. I have screwed up royally and in hindsight I clearly see it.

Most parents love their kids and do their best, our mistakes are made with good intentions.

So its not easy to accept that this Good Mom has produced such a messed up kid. Its not easy to have every area of my life affected by his drug addiction. Sometimes the pain feels similar to my sciatic nerve the other day - unbearable, and I want to do something to make it go away. But trips to the ER, Al-Anon, Prayer, Support Groups, etc. etc. don't make it go away. I think it will always be there.

Yet, I am learning to ACCEPT and in acceptance a bit of the pain eases up. Not much, but a bit. I imagine it gets easier with time, but I hope to not find out. I hope to have a miracle like my friend Suzie had with her daughter, Angel.

• I accept that I did not cause my son's drug addiction and can't fix it
• I accept that he may very well follow this lifestyle for years to come
• I accept that he may never have a career, let alone a decent job
• I accept he may never marry and give me a grandchild
• I accept he may give me tons of grandchildren all from different moms that I wont' be able to be close to :(
  
• I accept that he has been convicted of a felony
• I accept that he doesn't have control over his actions right now
• I accept that I can't trust him, that he will lie to me, steal from me and take advantage of me whenever possible
• I accept that this is not hopeless, that he may get better
• I accept that its not up to me, its entirely up to him

(This post was prompted when I got off the phone with a dear woman I have known since K was in the third grade. It was at that time that I first took him to a psychiatrist, all those years ago I knew something was wrong but for some reason he was never helped by meds or counseling or both. Anyhow, this woman just shared with me that her son started using drugs when he was 19. I never knew that about her before. She also shared that he is now 36 and in Chino (toughest prison in our state). It was another reminder that life does not always go as planned. This may be his life forever. Or, I may not see my son live to see his 21st birthday - or maybe 19th for that matter! Although it was depressing to hear her share about her son, it also was a good reminder to me to "accept the things I can not change....")

I Miss Him

The other I got a phone call from my son saying he was in jail again.

I was shocked because he'd been at court all morning...how could he get arrested there? Well, he managed it by falling asleep in the courtroom. The Bailiff woke him and arrested him for being under the influence.

Its exactly what happened back in December when all this really started to surface. I was on my lunch break at work and got a call from his school principal saying "K is in my office with the OC Sheriff for being under the influence at school".

He had fallen asleep in class. After the short-lived heroin high, you get very tired and sleep for a long time. He fell asleep standing up once!

So he's back in jail for violating his probation and who knows what else.

He hasn't called me. I miss him. He told my sister that he feels hopeless like he can't beat the addiction, like he's totally f'd up his life. Yet he insists he should not have been arrested for being "tired" and was NOT using. BS, I know he was using the night before, but the drug test they gave him in jail showed up negative.

Its a sad thing when you are glad your kid is in jail. But for now, I think its the best place for him. Strange thinking occurs when you have a kid like this...jail used to scare the crap out of me, now it seems like a safe haven to save him from himself.

I am still spending too much time worrying and thinking serious thoughts. My life is at a turning point. I am trying to work out a lot of things right now, including finding a job.

But the permeating factor in EVERYTHING is K and his addiction. Its like a huge cloud that rained all over my life, it seeped into everything and I am soaked in worry, sadness, anger, disappointment and guilt. Its so unfair!

I have to wonder, if addicts understood how deeply and thoroughly their actions affected the ones that loved them - would they still use? Would they try harder to get clean? My son says "just don't worry about me, don't let what I do bother you so much." Right. All I can say is "I hope you are a parent someday, but I hope you never understand how I feel right now."

I miss him. I wish he'd call me.

I am going to sell his truck while he's in jail...

K traded his car for a piece of junk truck while under the influence. Since them my family (well meaning but very enabling) paid to have the truck fixed so it will be driveable. We all HATE the truck. Its a monstrosity.

Well, K had his license revoked for a year and now that he's in jail again I think its time for the truck to go. He will be furious, he "loves" the truck. But who pays for gas, insurance and repair?

I also had his cell phone turned off today.

This time I can't be such a wimp.

I am also taking the doorknob off his door. I know some parents remove the entire bedroom door, but I don't want to do that (yet) partially because it will reduce the noise from his TV.

Any thoughts on the bedroom door issue?