Tangled, Flowing Emotions and What Its Been Like For Me So Far

I got caught up on all the addiction/recovery related blogs that I read.  Wow.

So much pain, so many questions, joy, sadness, hope, defeat, fear, uncertainty, confusion...the list could go on and on.

The common thread among the parents of addicts that I know, is that we all love our children and want to do what we personally believe is best.  In some cases a parent has had to completely distance themselves from the "child" (all of these children are adults).  In some cases a parent's involvement has brought about a year anniversary of sobriety to celebrate.  Most of us are somewhere in between on the roller coaster of wondering what will happen next on this crazy ride.

For me, I am in a good place right now.  Keven is in jail waiting to see what his future holds.  I have absolutely no control over that situation so I am not fretting over it.  Whatever the outcome is, I will deal with it day by day.  A year ago if we were in this exact place, I would be a wreck worrying about all the implications, trying to figure out a way to persuade the judge to do what I thought was best (hey, I think I did do that a year ago!)

But now, there's much more peace in it.  Its sort of a cross between resignation and surrender, but I will call it "peace" cause that sounds more positive.

I've learned SO MUCH.  I've learned that there is no "one size fits all" way to deal with our addicted child.  I think there's a balance that has to be found for each individual parent/child.  This is what it looks like for me:

Year One:  I was in denial for the first three months, if I ignored it it would go away, right?  Then I got a devastating wake-up call and had to face the truth.  Following that were many desperate attempts to help him, even though he did not want help at that time.  It was a year of complete and utter devastation.  I was a wreck.  Pain, frustration, confusion, guilt, guilt, guilt, fear, anger.  Every negative emotion known to mankind was churning inside me that year.

Year Two:  I took all that I had learned in year one and started to sort it out.  I became stable enough myself to see that I was doing more harm than good for Keven.  I sought out answers but still lived in fear of doing it wrong.  I finally realized that there was no right or wrong, just what was right or wrong for him and me.  I trusted my maternal instincts.  I relied on the intense amount of knowledge I had gained through listening to others, reading, research, talking to addicts and observing things in meetings/groups.  I felt like I had become an expert on heroin and on opiate addiction.  Not the kind of thing that comes in  handy for most, but indispensable information for someone who loves an opiate addict.

Year Three and beyond:  I've accepted things as they are at the moment.  I do all I can to support my son with love and compassion.  I am constantly aware of my motives and base many decisions on two questions, 1) am I doing something for him that he can do for himself? and 2) is this going to help or hinder his recovery?  Nothing is black and white.  Every decision, conversation, etc. has to be taken in the present moment based on what is best for each circumstance.  I no longer care if someone disagrees with my way of doing things.  I respect others for doing it their way even though it may not be the way for me.  I am aware that my son may never fully recover and that I may lose him, but I will never, ever give up hope for the opposite.  I understand that there are two parts to Keven.  And although I don't love the behavior of the addict, I love both parts of him because they have melded into who he is as a whole, if I like it or not.   

Through it all I have learned that tragedy does indeed bring people closer.  I have met some people that I have a strong bond with, unlike any bond I've experienced before.  I have learned that the Recovery Community of AA is awesome and that the people in those rooms are some of the most healthy people I know in spite of their disease.  AA is not just a plan to get well, its a plan to live with integrity, openness and compassion.

One last thing to any parents who are New To This.  When your child is in their first rehab and you are sitting in a family group meeting and realize that the majority of the addicts are there for the second, third or more time - don't despair.  That's normal.  Its not a one time deal, its a process.  One step forward two steps back is typical.  Also - above all else:  its NOT your fault.  It is never the family's fault and run from anyone who dares to think that or has the audacity to say it to your face.  They are ignorant and dangerous.

As many have said:  as long as they are breathing, there is hope.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

A Year Ago Today (part one)

One year ago today I got my wake up call that put an end to the denial I had been clinging to for three months.

I was Christmas shopping on my lunch break and received a phone call.  I was standing in the middle of Kohl's with an armload of stuff and my knees almost buckled, I was so shocked.  It was K's school calling to say that they had him "detained" in the principals office with a police officer, and asked me to get there immediately.  I tossed the  merchandise on the nearest table (normally I would never do that!) and left the store.

When I arrived at the school everyone in the office looked up when I said I was K's mom.  The looks on their face seemed to say "your kid really messed up, we feel bad for you but wonder how things ever got to this point...what kind of mother are you?" 

I will never forget how I felt when I walked into the principal's office and saw K sitting next to his girlfriend andwith a police officer standing next to him, the principal at her desk.  I felt so sad, scared, angry, embarrassed, and very nauseous.  It seemed like a bad dream.  I'm glad I didn't know how "mild" of an incident that was compared to what we were headed for.

One look at K and I could see he was high.  He had been escorted our of class by the cop for being "under the influence".   They allowed his girlfriend to come in - I think because they knew they were in a serious relationship and wanted her there, but I am not sure what the purpose of that was.

Long story short, since K was high he freely told us all sorts of details about how he'd been shooting heroin and cocaine for weeks, etc. etc. etc.  He rolled up his sleeves and showed us.  I almost passed out.  I felt the room spinning....where had I been?  How had I NOT seen this???  I knew something was wrong with him, but I would not believe it was drugs, I honestly thought it was depression and maybe smoking more weed than usual.  Its hard to admit that now.

I took him home, he passed out in bed and I cried for hours having no idea what to do next.

He was expelled from school.  It was his senior year and he still has not received a diploma.

So much has happened since then.  I'll share more in the days to come.  December/January were "eventful" last year.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

"An Addict In Our Son's Bedroom"

I am pretty sure most of you already read the above mentioned blog.  If not it needs to be required reading for all parents of addicts.  Its written by parents (mostly "Dad") that have an excellent understanding of all the multi-faceted issues that come along with parenting an addict.

I hope if "Mom" reads this she takes it the right way:  I often wish "Dad" were my husband.  I think most mothers are naturally more nurturing, protective and sensitive to their children and therefore have a much harder time switching gears to be logical, firm and unwavering in their quest to help their child. 

So I rely on this blog, and the comments "Dad" leaves me, to be that masculine voice of reason I admit I lack.  I have learned a lot, I have all the head knowledge to do this job right, but I never signed up to parent an addict - I am a loving, supportive, encouraging mother.  Its way more fun than being tough, strong and firm.

Please, I'm not saying all men are one way and all women are another, I'm just saying for me personally, I am well aware of my areas of weakness in parenting and its clear why children are designed to have two parents that compliment each other and support each other in balancing all the things it requires to raise a child.

This is the perfect time to say:  My son's "father" is visiting him in jail today.  If you know our story this is a HUGE ORDEAL and I would love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation!  I'll let you know how it goes, hopefully K will dish out details instead of just responding "yeah, it was cool" or "no, it sucked".

This is the fuzzy pink robe belt I refer to in my comment on one of their posts today.

They have TWO good ones over there!  Read them both!

"An Addict In Our Son's Bedroom"

I am pretty sure most of you already read the above mentioned blog.  If not it needs to be required reading for all parents of addicts.  Its written by a couple (mostly "Dad") that have an excellent understanding of all the multi-faceted issues that come along with parenting an addict.

I hope if "Mom" reads this she takes it the right way:  I often wish "Dad" were my husband.  I think most mothers are naturally more nurturing, protective and sensitive to their children and therefore have a much harder time switching gears to be the type of parent an addict needs to survii

So I rely on this blog, and the comments "Dad" leaves me, to be that masculine voice of reason I admit I lack.  I have learned a lot, I have all the head knowledge to do this job right, but I never signed up to parent an addict - I am a loving, supportive, encouraging mother.  Its way more fun than being tough, strong and firm.

Please, I'm not saying all men are one way and all women are antoher, I'm just saying for me persoanlly, I am well aware of my areas of weakness in parenting and its clear why children are designed to have one of each sex raising them.  That's just my personal belief.

This is the perfect time to say:  My son's "father" is visiting him in jail today.  If you know our story this is a HUGE ORDEAL and I would clean out my bank abount (only have 25.79 in there) to be a fly on the wall of for that conversation!  I'll let you know how it goes.

What Advice Would You Give?

I've learned a lot from other parents of addicts.  I've had a few friends with younger children ask me how they can prevent their children from getting involved in drugs.

I'd like to hear from other parents:

1)  what do you wish you would have known sooner?
2)  what would you have done different?
3)  anything else you want to add

I guess my main piece of advise would be that this happens in all types of families.  Loving your child and being the best parent you know how to be is not a guarantee that things won't go wrong.  Be alert, be aware and be IN CHARGE.  I made the mistake of thinking my son would never try serious drugs, and then when I found out he did I went into denial instead of taking serious, tough love, action.

UPDATE:  Mom of Opiate Addict left me a comment reminding me that Dad and Mom recently posed this question on their blog and got a great response, so please check it out here.

Acceptance

What would I do without this blog? A place to write out what I am thinking and feeling related to the most horrible thing in my life. I am a survivor of some very heavy stuff. I am strong. I have overcome a lot and continually work on improving myself in my areas of weakness (which I am well aware of, trust me on that one - smile).

BUT, the one area that I have been weak, and continue to struggle and suffer through is being a mother. I have heard for years from people in my son's life and my life what a "good mom" I am. I love hearing that, what parent doesn't want to hear that?

I also know what it means: It means that they see how much I love my son. They see that the mistakes I make are out of love, not neglect or uncaring. I LOVE my son as most parents love their children. If only "bad parents" had kids in jail, addicted to drugs or committing crimes, our jail system would be UNDER crowded.

And I know what it doesn't mean: It does not mean I have done a good job. I have screwed up royally and in hindsight I clearly see it.

Most parents love their kids and do their best, our mistakes are made with good intentions.

So its not easy to accept that this Good Mom has produced such a messed up kid. Its not easy to have every area of my life affected by his drug addiction. Sometimes the pain feels similar to my sciatic nerve the other day - unbearable, and I want to do something to make it go away. But trips to the ER, Al-Anon, Prayer, Support Groups, etc. etc. don't make it go away. I think it will always be there.

Yet, I am learning to ACCEPT and in acceptance a bit of the pain eases up. Not much, but a bit. I imagine it gets easier with time, but I hope to not find out. I hope to have a miracle like my friend Suzie had with her daughter, Angel.

• I accept that I did not cause my son's drug addiction and can't fix it
• I accept that he may very well follow this lifestyle for years to come
• I accept that he may never have a career, let alone a decent job
• I accept he may never marry and give me a grandchild
• I accept he may give me tons of grandchildren all from different moms that I wont' be able to be close to :(
  
• I accept that he has been convicted of a felony
• I accept that he doesn't have control over his actions right now
• I accept that I can't trust him, that he will lie to me, steal from me and take advantage of me whenever possible
• I accept that this is not hopeless, that he may get better
• I accept that its not up to me, its entirely up to him

(This post was prompted when I got off the phone with a dear woman I have known since K was in the third grade. It was at that time that I first took him to a psychiatrist, all those years ago I knew something was wrong but for some reason he was never helped by meds or counseling or both. Anyhow, this woman just shared with me that her son started using drugs when he was 19. I never knew that about her before. She also shared that he is now 36 and in Chino (toughest prison in our state). It was another reminder that life does not always go as planned. This may be his life forever. Or, I may not see my son live to see his 21st birthday - or maybe 19th for that matter! Although it was depressing to hear her share about her son, it also was a good reminder to me to "accept the things I can not change....")