Smooth Sailing

The last week has been good for Keven, once he got used to the new meds they put him on, he seems to be doing fine.  Well, fine for Keven that is.  I can hear someone out there thinking about what the definition of "fine" as:

F'd Up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

That would describe me these days!

:)

Plan to catch  up on blogs this afternoon and make sure all is well with my blog community.  I hope so.  I looked at my "prayer list" today and counted how many parents/addicts I "pray" over each day, there are a total of 33, 21 sons and 12 daughters.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I Have to Say This

Sometimes as I read the blogs out there I feel bad that things are going good for us right now.  You know what I mean?  Its like how can I report such positive news about my son when there are parents in agony over their addicted children?


I am aware that things could change any minute.  That Keven (or more likely, Anthony, again) could pick up a needle.  I am prepared to deal with that if it happens.  But for today I can't hide my joy, my relief, my HOPE.


Please, if you read here and you are going through hell with your loved one, I want you to know I care, I cry almost every day (today over DD2 from Her Big Sad).  

If Keven, who was totally out of control, using daily, stealing, lying, hanging out in motels using for days as people OD'd around him, etc., has hope - then there is hope for your addict too.  It took jail and mental health evaluation and Phoenix House to reach Keven, and as I said before, he could relapse at any moment.  

Please know - it is possible to see that person inside your addict that you thought was gone.  I see my son again...the good person, not the abusive, selfish, wild addict whose life revolved around heroin.


I care and no matter what I will always be praying.




Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

God / Caring About Each Other

It pretty dang awesome when connections are made through blogging.  It means a lot to me knowing that people out there care about my son and me.  I care about you too.  And your kids, your families, your journey through recovery if you are an addict or co-dependent or whatever.  We all have "issues" don't we?  :)

My own journey through recovery is very intermingled with my spiritual beliefs and/or lack thereof.  I have explored so many avenues to "spirituality".  In my 20's you could say I was New Age, then for the next 15 years I was a very conservative "born again Christian".  That all came crashing down and  I spent a few years being agnostic.  Now I have come to a very simple place where I do believe in God, but not the God of rules and regulations and judgments - the God that is Love.

I always thought that the concept in the 12 Steps of having a higher power of your own understanding was bizarre - in the Christian world I was in there was only one God and if you didn't follow him you were going to hell.  Now I am grateful that I can trust my own beliefs even though no one else may share exactly what my concept of God is. 

What really hurt and angered me when I was walking the Christian path was that God just didn't seem to answer prayer, or he'd answer with "nope, sorry, you can't have peace, joy, a husband, a drug free child..."

If someone had cancer and we prayed for that person to be healed, if they died it was "God's will".  I prayed for my son to avoid drugs from the day he was born...I guess it was God's will for K to be a heroin addict.

I know all the pat answers:  God gives us free will to choose, but then you're suppose to pray for His will in everything and then when the answer is "no, I will not keep your kid from making this huge mistake, he is choosing to do it and I'm just going to let him", it kind of pissed me off and hurt me, ya know?

I'm much more at peace not worrying that half the people I know are going to hell because they don't believe a certain way.  I'm not knocking what the Bible says, I'm just glad we can each have our own personal beliefs.  If I am wrong and end up in hell, I guess that's God's will.  But as many of you know, being the parent of an addict can feel hellish.  So its all a matter of perspective I guess.

Anyhow...I care about all of you and am praying daily for...

Madison and her family, Kay, Debby and "B", Sherry and "J", Lou and Andrew, Mom, Dad and Alex, Renee and Zac, Lisa and Bryan, Shawna and her family, Big Sad and her daughters, Chai Latte and her son, Syd and his wife, Annette and "H", Athena and her daughter, Mom of a Drug Addict and Kelly, Lynn and Ryan, Susan, other Susan, Dream Dancer, Cheri, Heather's Mom and Heather, and Josh. 

And of course I care and love all my long time blog friends who are reading here now....you know who you are and you've made my life better by listening and caring.

I would feel HORRIBLE if I left your name off this list and you are someone that reads here so PLEASE let me know, okay?