I was, and still am, a huge fan:
Remember John Today (from my music blog)
My tribute to him:
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
December 8, 2011
December 7, 2011
Happy Birthday, Son
First of all I'd like to wish my son a Happy 21st Birthday. As some of you may know, Keven was not "planned". I got together with an ex bf ONE TIME and he was conceived. At the time I was 29 and was moving my way up in a very successful company. I wasn't sure if I ever wanted children, but I definitely didn't want one then. After several months of crying I finally started to accept that motherhood was happening if I liked it or not and the next thing I knew, I was in love with my unborn baby :) I never found out if he was a boy or girl but I had hoped for a boy because I didn't think I could handle a girl (based on my own relationship with my mother).
So out of "an accident" came the most wonderful, life-changing, me-changing thing that's ever happened to me. I flourished being a new mom ... I had never known such joy. I changed my life around so that I could be home with him as much as possible. I discovered depths of love I had never known were possible.
Keven is a good person. He's compassionate, kind, generous, authentic, honest, fun. He's also depressed, has serious anxiety issues and low self esteem. Its sad to see someone that is so likable feel so unworthy. Of course when he's high/using, another person comes to the surface and he's someone I don't like much at all. What keeps me going, hoping and supporting is the fact that I KNOW that Keven underneath it all is a valuable, lovable, and someone I am PROUD to call my son.
My hope for him today is that as he enters this new rehab, this one last chance (lets see I think this is the 10th "one last chance" he's had), is the turning point of his life. I also hope his selfish, arrogant, stupid father calls him today even though he doesn't even know how old he's going to be. (he's an alcoholic - do you think that is one of the reasons Keven's an addict, he has the gene?). On his 18th birthday his dad got him shitfaced drunk and then let him drive himself home...which he was incapable of so his gf had to drive his car even though she barely knew how to drive.
Ok. So I got that out of my system.
Happy Birthday, Keven....I love you with all my heart. I will never give up hope.
So out of "an accident" came the most wonderful, life-changing, me-changing thing that's ever happened to me. I flourished being a new mom ... I had never known such joy. I changed my life around so that I could be home with him as much as possible. I discovered depths of love I had never known were possible.
Keven is a good person. He's compassionate, kind, generous, authentic, honest, fun. He's also depressed, has serious anxiety issues and low self esteem. Its sad to see someone that is so likable feel so unworthy. Of course when he's high/using, another person comes to the surface and he's someone I don't like much at all. What keeps me going, hoping and supporting is the fact that I KNOW that Keven underneath it all is a valuable, lovable, and someone I am PROUD to call my son.
My hope for him today is that as he enters this new rehab, this one last chance (lets see I think this is the 10th "one last chance" he's had), is the turning point of his life. I also hope his selfish, arrogant, stupid father calls him today even though he doesn't even know how old he's going to be. (he's an alcoholic - do you think that is one of the reasons Keven's an addict, he has the gene?). On his 18th birthday his dad got him shitfaced drunk and then let him drive himself home...which he was incapable of so his gf had to drive his car even though she barely knew how to drive.
Ok. So I got that out of my system.
December 6, 2011
THANK YOU!
Thank you to everyone who's entered Amazon through this page to make their purchases! I just checked my account and I've made a little money (less than $20, but I'm still excited!).
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
I Still Miss Him
36 years ago today I lost my father to cancer. I was 15 at the time, my brother 12 and my sister 10. I had to grow up fast after that. We still refer to him as "Daddy" because we never stopped calling him that.
His last months were very sad and traumatic. They did things a lot differently back then. He had several very invasive surgery's removing a lung, a kidney....I don't like to think about it.
He was a good father. He was a blue collar worker that worked 60 hours a week to support us. Every summer he'd take two weeks off and we'd have a family vacation - often driving to Minnesota, South Dakota, Maine - and once to the very tip of Mexico.
He was a WWII Vet and was a Paratrooper Medic at the Battle of Bastogne (I have the plaque they gave him). He LOVED his mother, his wife, his children. We had a very special bond - he had hoped for a daughter as his first born and got me :)
My love for music is because of my dad. Our weekly ritual was to watch the Ed Sullivan Show together and I can remember seeing the first performance by The Beatles and even at the tender age of four, I was hooked!
I still miss him. I wonder how my life would have been different if he had lived longer. Would I have been the promiscuous party girl I was in my teens/early 20's? I think having him around would have made me more stable, but I could be wrong. Would I have met and married a nice man and had several kids? Would I have gone to college? What would Keven be like if he had Grandpa Gerald in his life? Can the presence of a loving father/grandfather really make a difference?
At the time of his death I shut down emotionally. I refused to grieve. I had a traumatic incident happen the day of his funeral that still hurts me to this day (although I've forgiven the people involved). I chose to stay stoned (smoked pot) every day for at least a year after he died. So I do understand why some addicts use, it does ease the pain. But luckily I got sick of it and just quit one day.
I do remember having one breakdown shortly after his death. I was in Health Class and my teacher was Coach H., a popular football coach who had a daughter my age that also went to my HS. I'm not sure what he said in class but it touched me and opened a wound and after the bell rang and the classroom emptied, I was still sitting stuck in my chair unable to move. He asked if I was okay and I broke down crying. I'll never forget the look on his face, he didn't know what to do. I think he wanted to hug me but knew he couldn't. He may have patted my shoulder. I was crying because I wanted a father, I wanted my father but since he was gone, I wanted Coach H to be my father. Weird, huh? It was very embarrassing for both of us so I pulled it together and left.
I don't have a lot of pictures of my dad, he was always behind the camera. I look like him, like his side of the family, and I think Keven does too. This is the last pic we have of him with us kids:
Thanks for letting me share!
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
His last months were very sad and traumatic. They did things a lot differently back then. He had several very invasive surgery's removing a lung, a kidney....I don't like to think about it.
He was a good father. He was a blue collar worker that worked 60 hours a week to support us. Every summer he'd take two weeks off and we'd have a family vacation - often driving to Minnesota, South Dakota, Maine - and once to the very tip of Mexico.
He was a WWII Vet and was a Paratrooper Medic at the Battle of Bastogne (I have the plaque they gave him). He LOVED his mother, his wife, his children. We had a very special bond - he had hoped for a daughter as his first born and got me :)
My love for music is because of my dad. Our weekly ritual was to watch the Ed Sullivan Show together and I can remember seeing the first performance by The Beatles and even at the tender age of four, I was hooked!
I still miss him. I wonder how my life would have been different if he had lived longer. Would I have been the promiscuous party girl I was in my teens/early 20's? I think having him around would have made me more stable, but I could be wrong. Would I have met and married a nice man and had several kids? Would I have gone to college? What would Keven be like if he had Grandpa Gerald in his life? Can the presence of a loving father/grandfather really make a difference?
At the time of his death I shut down emotionally. I refused to grieve. I had a traumatic incident happen the day of his funeral that still hurts me to this day (although I've forgiven the people involved). I chose to stay stoned (smoked pot) every day for at least a year after he died. So I do understand why some addicts use, it does ease the pain. But luckily I got sick of it and just quit one day.
I do remember having one breakdown shortly after his death. I was in Health Class and my teacher was Coach H., a popular football coach who had a daughter my age that also went to my HS. I'm not sure what he said in class but it touched me and opened a wound and after the bell rang and the classroom emptied, I was still sitting stuck in my chair unable to move. He asked if I was okay and I broke down crying. I'll never forget the look on his face, he didn't know what to do. I think he wanted to hug me but knew he couldn't. He may have patted my shoulder. I was crying because I wanted a father, I wanted my father but since he was gone, I wanted Coach H to be my father. Weird, huh? It was very embarrassing for both of us so I pulled it together and left.
I don't have a lot of pictures of my dad, he was always behind the camera. I look like him, like his side of the family, and I think Keven does too. This is the last pic we have of him with us kids:
Thanks for letting me share!
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
December 4, 2011
Message from Anthony
He sent me a text this morning with this picture and one word, "Serenity".
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
December 3, 2011
Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I am trying to be in the Christmas spirit this year. The last few years we didn't even do gifts but this year my mom, sis and I are picked names so we will each get something. I'm not sure what to get Keven, but will figure that out later.
I never in a million years would have believed I'd be the type of person to dress up a dog - or even own a small dog! But I am :)
Saw Keven again last night. I can see in his eyes that he's scared, plus he told me he was. He said he never wants to go through this again. His foray into Bath Salts really did a number on him. He told me that he'd hallucinated on drugs before but he was always aware that he was high and that it would wear off. But with Bath Salts he was convinced everything around him was really happening and he didn't know how to escape, other than calling 911 on himself.
Today is the first day since Monday that he's felt "normal" (i.e. he's not sleeping all day, he can think clearly). He wants help. He wants to make it.
Now of course I've heard this all before and believed it a few times...but I seriously think that this experience shook him up bad enough to POSSIBLY cause him to take recovery seriously. My mom, sis and I have decided that we will pay for another residential treatment (out of the four he's been in we've only paid for one, 2 were county beds and 1 was a scholarship). Luckily we found one that his insurance covers at 80% so our amount will be $1000 each. I don't have $1000 but am working on selling a few gold $20 coins that are worth about 1,500 each. Its worth it to me. Gold coins are nothing, my son is everything.
He told me where he had some drugs hidden in his room from his last visit here so I flushed it last night. He said there is nothing else in the house. (side note - the other day Anthony told me that he had gear stashed all over the county in different places so that if he scored some dope he'd be prepared. Is that common?)
I searched my soul about this and think its the right thing to do for Keven. One last chance for him to make it happen for himself. Please don't tell me its the wrong thing to do, I don't want to throw him in the streets right now.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
I never in a million years would have believed I'd be the type of person to dress up a dog - or even own a small dog! But I am :)
Saw Keven again last night. I can see in his eyes that he's scared, plus he told me he was. He said he never wants to go through this again. His foray into Bath Salts really did a number on him. He told me that he'd hallucinated on drugs before but he was always aware that he was high and that it would wear off. But with Bath Salts he was convinced everything around him was really happening and he didn't know how to escape, other than calling 911 on himself.
Today is the first day since Monday that he's felt "normal" (i.e. he's not sleeping all day, he can think clearly). He wants help. He wants to make it.
Now of course I've heard this all before and believed it a few times...but I seriously think that this experience shook him up bad enough to POSSIBLY cause him to take recovery seriously. My mom, sis and I have decided that we will pay for another residential treatment (out of the four he's been in we've only paid for one, 2 were county beds and 1 was a scholarship). Luckily we found one that his insurance covers at 80% so our amount will be $1000 each. I don't have $1000 but am working on selling a few gold $20 coins that are worth about 1,500 each. Its worth it to me. Gold coins are nothing, my son is everything.
He told me where he had some drugs hidden in his room from his last visit here so I flushed it last night. He said there is nothing else in the house. (side note - the other day Anthony told me that he had gear stashed all over the county in different places so that if he scored some dope he'd be prepared. Is that common?)
I searched my soul about this and think its the right thing to do for Keven. One last chance for him to make it happen for himself. Please don't tell me its the wrong thing to do, I don't want to throw him in the streets right now.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
December 1, 2011
I Saw Him Last Night
He asked me to come to visiting hour because he wanted to see me. I thought hard about it and chose to go. He looked awful. I have never seen my handsome son looking so bad, you could tell he'd been using meth (he admitted to me that he had). Why meth? Maybe he couldn't get heroin? Who knows - who really cares.
He was so doped up on whatever they are giving him that he could barely keep his eyes open. The gist of our conversation was "I don't want to live like this anymore, I don't want to go on another run".
I listened and said I was glad he felt that way but that I'd heard it too many times to take it seriously, I needed to see it to believe it.
He asked me to get him a list of programs, inpatient, outpatient, sober living etc. since he has no access to a computer. I will do that for him.
I asked the nurse how they were going to diagnose him if he was so out of it and she said that the drugs were to keep him mellow and help him sleep (he sleeps 80% of his time there) and that as his brain chemicals got balanced he would be more and more coherent.
He's still hallucinating.
I hope I don't get a lot of comments that this was the wrong thing to do. I really contemplated not doing it, but my stand is that I will help him in the right direction and that's what he was asking for. He may not even remember me being there :(
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
He was so doped up on whatever they are giving him that he could barely keep his eyes open. The gist of our conversation was "I don't want to live like this anymore, I don't want to go on another run".
I listened and said I was glad he felt that way but that I'd heard it too many times to take it seriously, I needed to see it to believe it.
He asked me to get him a list of programs, inpatient, outpatient, sober living etc. since he has no access to a computer. I will do that for him.
I asked the nurse how they were going to diagnose him if he was so out of it and she said that the drugs were to keep him mellow and help him sleep (he sleeps 80% of his time there) and that as his brain chemicals got balanced he would be more and more coherent.
He's still hallucinating.
I hope I don't get a lot of comments that this was the wrong thing to do. I really contemplated not doing it, but my stand is that I will help him in the right direction and that's what he was asking for. He may not even remember me being there :(
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
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