My Reasons for Paying for Rehab

Thanks for leaving comments on the last post.  I noticed a common theme as many of you suggested I not go into debt to pay for Keven's rehab.  I understand the reasoning behind that, but the reality of the situation is that if I have opportunity to keep my son our of prison and from having a felony on his record for life...then I am going to take it.

Keven's judge made a deal with him.  The deal was Residential Rehab for 6 months or leave her court program and serve his time (16 months in prison with time served, he'd probably do a little less than a year).  And of course that would mean a felony following him around.

My son is not a criminal.  The judge knows that, I know that and he knows it too.  He's an addict that has made slow but steady progress in the last two years and has made a HUGE jump in progress in the last three months, until last week.

I believe with all my heart that he would have not sought out heroin on his own, he did it because it was there.  He regretted it.  He stopped using it even though he knew he could keep using until he got caught if he chose.

My son is going to make it.  I am behind him 100%.  I believe in him.  There have been moments in the past that I was so heartbroken and angry that I wished he had never been born.  That's hard to admit, but its true.  Now, I feel a love for him stronger than ever because when I look in his eyes I see who he really is, and he's a good human being, a valuable person.

Maybe this looks like I am enabling or making life too easy on him.  In some ways his life has been easy, but he's lived with some pretty shitty stuff starting at an early age.

He's my son, my only child.  He and I are close because there's never been another parent or a sibling, we're all we've got.  And so if I am doing the "wrong" thing, so be it.  I want him to have this opportunity.  I don't want him going to prison.  Simple as that.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Everything Happens for a Reason (?)

I woke up with a smile on my face and a positive outlook on life.  Bizarre, but true.

Annette mentioned in a comment below that everything happens for a reason, and I believe that too, do you? I used to hate the thought of that because it always made me think "what was he reason my dad had to die when he was so young?".   I still haven't figured that out because I think my life would have been different (better) if he had lived.  But I may not have had Keven....I probably would have got married and had a family the normal way because I would have been a different person if my dad was around during my teens and my life would have taken a different direction.

Anyhow, I feel better today.  Thanks for the support yesterday.  My plan is to go visit him today (I am so lucky its only a short drive) and have a talk with him face to face about what's going on and what will most likely happen next.

We still have an attorney and she called me twice yesterday.  She knew all about this before Keven or I did since she works closely with his PO.  She also knows the judge really well and thinks after her initial anger at Keven wears off she will give him yet another "final chance" and send him back to Cornerstone.  Unfortunately this means back to "Extended Care" which means at least $10,000 (or more).  My family is tapped out financially because of Keven, so I dug out all my credit cards (I had several in a drawer with 0 balance) and am going to max them all out to pay for it.  I already have four maxed our cards so what the hell....what's another 10 grand right????

I refuse to let this get me down.  I have "relapsed" myself by not taking care of myself like I should and spending too much time focused on Keven and Anthony.

Speaking of Ant - I know I said I was done with him, of course that was said in anger.  I went to see him two days ago and it was pathetic.  He'd been off heroin for days but was so high he could barely stand up, his eyes were half closed and he was slurring his words.  He doesn't remember me being there.  He was taking Suboxone and eating chocolate bars laced with hash oil.  Lovely.  He even insisted that I take a few home so I did, and tossed them in the trash.

At least he's in a detox now and from there off to yet another rehab.  I kind of am done with him.  I love him, but I am closing the door now so it won't hurt so much to see him either incarcerated or buried.  I don't think he's going to make it long in this world.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Back in Jail

Keven's PO called him in today.  He had a dirty test from using with Ant last week.  He's in custody for at least a few days possibly weeks possibly 16 months.  All depends on how the judge feels about it.  I am not doing well this time because he's changed, he's been doing so well, he's working his program.  I can't blame it all on Ant but you know what - if he hadn't offered it to Keven this would not have happened.

PLEASE READ RON'S COMMENTS TO MY POST BELOW!  The point he makes is 100% right on and nothing makes me more angry.  Politics seem to matter more than people.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Another drug overdose from the crowd of users he knows....

This graph was from FOUR years ago...its only getting worse every day.

It makes me sick hearing stories like this over and over and being reminded that HEROIN HAS TO BE STOPPED. Why is it so available? Why do kids try it knowing what its done to their friends? Why doesn't our government do anything to keep it out of this country since 100% of it is imported. I guess saving thousands of lives is low on their priority list....but if you took every heroin overdose of the last year alone and put them in a hostage situation....our government would be all over it. They'd do something to save all those young lives. You know they would. But because they die one by one and because they chose to walk into the arms of their enemy, the abomination of heroin importation is ignored. As long as its available, new addicts will be born every day.

As I read about this young man's body being dumped, my mind played out the scene of what probably happened:

Some friends drove to Santa Ana to score their dope. They went to one of the scumbag hotels in Costa Mesa to use. Justin OD'd and they panicked. They may have tried CPR, but may have been too high or not known how. None of them wanted to get busted so instead of calling 911, they drove him to a high school that was next to a fire station, then drove to a nearby pay phone to make an anonymous call for help knowing that the Fire Dept. would arrive within seconds of their call.

Unfortunately Justin was already dead. They may have known this or maybe they had hope that there was till enough life in him to be saved. Either way its very sad.

Keven saved his friend's life by calling 911 and giving Jon CPR until they arrived. I am not saying that to brag, just saying that in situations like this the risk of going to jail yourself could save a life. Keven was sure they'd arrest him since he was on probation, but the cop he talked to let it go.

Here is the story I am referring to:

Police ID body found at Costa Mesa high school



Peace, Hope and Love,Barbara

Sleeping A Lot

I know one of the signs of hero,in use is sleeping a lot.  Keven is sleeping a lot.  He volunteers in the morning and then drives here and sleeps all afternoon then goes to his 5 pm mtg. and sometimes a second mtg.  He's randomly drug tested at his sober living home and tested every Monday at probation.  I don't think he's using.  I am not being naive, I just don't think he would risk it at this point.

Why is he sleeping so much?  Depression?

I just want him to be OKAY.  He hasn't been okay for years, even before drugs he was not okay.  He's been depressed since 3rd grade.

I have depression too.  I know how it feels, but .... I just want to see him smile again.  Its been weeks since he smiled.

Each Day A New Beginning

The last week has seemed like a month.  Keven seems okay but looks so, so tired.

Neither one of us have spoken to Ant but according to his grandmother he broke into her locked closet and stole all her pain meds and has been sitting around his room nodding out and mumbling all


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Not sure what's going on

I'm Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara