January 18, 2012

A New Sense of Hope

Hope is the word I was going to have tattooed on my wrist, but Anthony never got around to it (and we are no longer in contact, my choice, I honestly don't know where he is or what he's up to).

I tell myself there is always hope.  Its the one thing I have to hold on to when things seem so desperately dark.  But there have been times recently that I felt hopeless.  I've fully accepted that Keven may not survive, or that he may be on this path of self destruction for years, but just because I've accepted it doesn't mean I've given up on him!  The acceptance is for me, to allow me to survive.  Once I accepted that I got back in the saddle of hope (corny!).

Anyhow, a friend told me about a therapist that he thought would be perfect for Keven.  He was once a heroin addict himself and when he stopped he went to school got all his degrees and has been an LMFT for 16 years with an emphasis on helping teens/young adults with substance abuse issues.  He and Kev met yesterday and hit it off - Keven liked and trusted him!!!!

So "Aaron" (that's what I'll call the therapist) told him something we already knew but had but on the back burner.  He has PSTD.  I've known this for years, prior to the drug use, but the drug use has exacerbated it to the point that he's screaming at night, walking around with knives, etc.  I don't know what originally caused the PSTD, and at this point that's not my concern.  He told Aaron about it and that's what matters.

Of course nothing can be done to treat the PSTD if he keeps using drugs.  He has to stop self medicating, but he seemed so hopeful yesterday knowing that he will be seeing Aaron on a regular basis.  He's been ordered (by PO) to see a psych too but I am going to fight against over-medicating him and maybe just putting him on an SSRi and something mild to help him sleep (Trazadone is what I take).

I need to work on my stress level today.  I didn't sleep last night, my mind was racing.  I'm taking care of me, but as usual when Keven is here I take a backseat - but at least I'm aware of that so can change it.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

P.S.  Keven has been socialbe and respectful for two days.

P.S.S.  Aaron said his PSTD is so severe he compares it to a Viet Nam Vet coming off the front lines of battle.  That scares me.  I actually lost a cousin who came home from Viet Nam, used heroin to treat his PSTD but then gave up and took his own life.   WHAT happened to create this degree of trauma and stress?????

12 comments:

Elizabeth Vos said...

I have PTSD as well. It was caused by childhood trauma. I don't know how to compare Kevin to anyone else, but my therapist was discussing something with me once, and I couldn't figure out why I always related to ww2 concentration camp survivors, and genocide survivors. She said it was because what had happened to me was severe enough that it felt like genocide- terror levels, etc. she said it way better than I can. Anyway it explained why I related to those survivors even though my experience was not the same (and Keven was not in Vietnam) ... It opened my eyes as to how bad the abuse had been, something you want to deny in order to survive. I wish you and Keven the best in healing. (I'm not an addict I found your blog through Sherry's and lurk, I send mind hugs often)

Elizabeth Vos said...

Hey and btw I can relate to walking around the house with a knife, I was paranoid since childhood that an intruder was on the way etc, I was going to be killed, needed to protect myself. Calmed down mostly now that I'm older, unless I hear something creepy outside. Especially when I'm alone in the house. Actually this all happened when I was alone. Anyway. I don't know if that's Kevin's reason for having a knife but I related to it regardless. Sorry for the novellas!

Barbara said...

Elizabeth, thank you SO MUCH for sharing this! Its very helpful, although it also makes me sad to think of any child suffering abuse of any kind. It can be a lifelong issue, as you know too well. I'm glad you found my blog and am grateful for the mind hugs!!!!!

Have Myelin? said...

Hello you two - I take trazadone too Barbara. My doctor told me I'd know if it was going to work the first night. (it did) He also said it "quiets the brain".

PTSD is very real....(((hugs)))

I like that phrase, mind hugs... =)

Syd said...

It sounds pretty scary to have someone walking around with a knife, Barbara. I hope that things work out with Keven being there in the house with you and your mother. It sounds like the same old thing though--he is back in the house, good for a couple of days, and then??? I hope that the ??? will be "he is clean and wants recovery".

Barbara said...

Syd, I know. If nothing changes, nothing changes. We're waiting to hear from his PO when and if he still wants him in an SL. Should know today.

Anonymous said...

Barbara, I don't know I mean it is really hard for any therapist to make an accurate diagnosis when the person is actively using. I'm not saying he doesn't have that disorder, but his screaming, walking around with knives, etc., sounds more like the damage done by meth. I really worry about your safety and that of your mothers. It isn't likely that they will give an active addict sleep medication, I know my child said he wanted something to help him sleep and there was absolutely no way they would give it to him, I thought he needed an antidepressant and they refused that as well as they said that they cannot diagnose him until he has had an extended period of sobriety. Be careful and take care of yourself.

Barbara said...

Anon, You had good doctors to NOT prescribe that. Keven's always want to put him on all sorts of things like he's some kind of lab rat. I was hoping for just something very mild to lift the depression, but I don't know, I'm just grasping for straws, wishing this were someone else's life not mine....yet I would't wish it on anyone.

Anonymous said...

Barbara, once my son took about 8 klonapins and drank rum, he was threatening his brother, he did not physically attack him but he did threaten. I called 911 and had him removed. Please think about this if you saw a stranger in your house walking around screaming with a knife what would you do? You would call the police or 911 and he would be sent to a psychiatric center. You don't know if he is actually depressed he is still using, my son gave his counselor a line of bullshit, the counselor saw through it. You must consider that Keven may have given the counselor a line of bs regarding the pstd. They are manipulators, you already know that. None of us want this life it is absolutely horrible, but please think about calling 911 and having him removed when he is walking around with a knife. It could end badly and not for Keven but for you or your mother.

Barbara said...

JUST TO BE CLEAR: Keven is not actually walking around with a knife all the time. He takes it from room to room and keeps it near him at night. Not that that makes it any less dangerous, I just didn't want to give the impression that he's wielding this knife around threatening us. I have called 911 on him twice before and would do it in a heartbeat if anyone feels threatened. Its more pathetic and sad than threatening.

Anna said...

My daughter had a huge knife when she was at home. She said that no one would ever hurt her again and she needed the knife. It scared me so I threw it away when she was not home.

My boundary is that no one has a weapon in my house. She has PTSD from a rape.

Addicts are involved in many traumas and they will continue to be involved in traumas as long as they are addicts.

Barbara said...

Anna, good point about continuing to be involved in traumas as long as they are addicts....

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