Thank you

I've come to the conclusion that this blog has evolved into something other than what it was originally intended to be.

It began as a place to connect with other parents, to reach out to parents who were "new" at dealing with addiction, and to encourage and be encouraged.

Over time it seems to have lost that focus and is more of a journal of events in the life of my son(s).

I believe that because we are all different and each have a unique relationship and circumstances with our children, that "one size" does not fit all.  What works for one family may be harmful to another.

My mistakes have been learning experiences.  I know more about heroin addiction than I want to know. I am taking this journey one step, one day at a time and will never lose hope for my son no matter how bleak things look.

I will still read your blogs and if you would like to keep up with me you can find me on Facebook or on my other blog "Writing From the Inside Out".

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Thank you....

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

"Round Here" by Counting Crows, because sometimes it takes one to know one....

Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog
Where no one notices the contrast of white on white
And in between the moon and you, angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right

Well, I walk in the air between the rain
Through myself and back again
Where? I don't know

Maria says she's dying
Through the door, I hear her crying
Why? I don't know

Round here we always stand up straight
Round here something radiates

Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
She said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis
And she walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
Just like she's walking on a wire in the circus

She parks her car outside of my house and
Takes her clothes off, says she's close to understanding Jesus
And she knows she's more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous

Round here we're carving out our names
Round here we all look the same
Round here we talk just like lions but we sacrifice like lambs
Round here she's slipping though my hands

Sleeping children better run like the wind
Out of the lightning dream
Mama's little baby better get herself in
Out of the lightning

She says, "It's only in my head"
She says, "Shh, I know it's only in my head"

But the girl on the car in the parking lot
Says, "Man, you should try to take a shot
Can't you see my walls are crumbling?"

Then she looks up at the building
And says she's thinking of jumping
She says she's tired of life
She must be tired of something

Round here she's always on my mind
Round here, hey man, got lots of time
Round here we're never sent to bed early and nobody makes us wait
Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late

I, I can't see nothing, nothing round here
You catch me if I'm falling, you catch me if I'm falling
Will you catch me? 'Cause I'm falling down on you

I said I'm under the gun round here
Oh man, I said I'm under the gun round here
Well I can't see nothing, nothing round here

Going to Visit Him in Jail Today

I was so angry when he got arrested the other night.  But after it sank in, I started to feel more worried than angry.  He seriously was doing better.  He was home by 10 pm for curfew every night except the night he got arrested...his excuse that night was a flat tire.  His excuse was real because I had to go find the car where he left it (in a safe no tow zone, which I appreciated) and have it towed.

Also, he had been going to his all day out patient every day and admitted to me that he LIKED it.

Lastly, he had not done drugs, but he had drank alcohol on several occasions and that's what got him.

I don't want him to get kicked out of Opportunity Court over this.  I don't want him to spend too  much time in jail over it either.  I want him to get back to the outpatient....

But its not what I want, its what Judge Lindley wants.  She is very fair and compassionate and wants him to succeed but how many chances does he get?

I've taken his calls and he sounds so tired, they have not given him his meds since he got there so that's three days of little sleep and no medication which is NOT RIGHT.   His PO took the meds when she arrested him so I know t hey have them.

So, right or wrong, good or bad, I don't care - I am going to visit my son today.  I miss him.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

This is my blog home....

I have been very depressed lately (nothing to do with Keven) and haven't been blogging much but I miss it.  I miss my blog friends.  I miss a place to share my heart and thoughts.

So, I am going to write here.  It may not always be about my son anymore, because part of RECOVERY is me getting my life back and that's the stage of the journey I am on.

I have a lot to say and I think one of the reasons I've felt down lately is because I've kept so much bottled up inside.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

HA!!! It Didn't Last Long!

Guess who's back in jail?  His PO and four cops showed up last night and hauled him off.  Don't worry, I am not upset, I am looking forward to the peace and quiet.  I hope they keep him for awhile this time.

Oh- the reason, a dirty test for alcohol.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Quick Update...

I stopped counting Keven's "clean days" months ago.  But I do know its been over a week and a half, he's attending out patient rehab, he's been in by curfew every night, he's hanging out with good safe friends AND he has been pleasant to be around.

Enjoying it while it lasts!


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Update from last post....

Wow.  What an ugly scene.  As I was driving over to Angel's mom's house (where she lives) I called my friend VV who has known Angel even longer than I have and has been through all this addiction stuff with her.  VV is someone I consider an expert on addiction as a recovered (recovering?) alcoholic with many years of sobriety, many sponsees, much wisdom and a lot more gutsy than me.  This was not the first time she and I showed up at the same house for the same reason....

Long story short it was unpleasant and Angel admitted she's ruining her life but just doesn't care.  Not much you can say to that.  I told her I did care and therefore had to say goodbye to her for now because I could not bear to watch it any longer.

The disgusting monster of a man she's involved with was there, but he was too afraid to show his face knowing that two old ladies in their 50's would kick his ass - seriously.

Angel was coming down from being high.  She didn't look terrible but I saw the bruises and sores on her arm.  I asked if she was using heroin and she said no but I am almost certain that she is - heroin doesn't make you look as bad as meth does, so that's my reasoning.

I came home to my non-emotional son who seems to live with a scowl on his face.  He was heading out to Norco to give Kelly a ride home from her visit with Anthony - I chose not to go this time.  I have not interest in seeing Anthony.  I don't even really have an interest in seeing Keven but until he actually does something to violate the rules of the house/probation I am putting up with him.

Addiction affects the family, the friends and everyone else that knows and cares about the addict.  The addict goes alone their merry way, aware that they are ruining their lives and causing others pain and heartbreak but they can't, or won't, change.

Its very unenjoyable to put it mildly.









Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

INFURIATED !!!

I haven't mentioned my friend, Angel, lately since this blog is about Keven.  So as a reminder I will say she is one of my closest friends in the world, someone I love like a daughter because she's only 25, so she is young enough to be my child.  I have known her for 9 years and went through the horror of watching drugs (meth, heroin) destroy her life and then watch her TRIUMPH over them for THREE years and live a wonderful, drug free life as as the beautiful, intelligent, compassionate and sweet woman she was born to be.

Last year she re-hooked up with the MONSTER that she used to use with and its been downhill since then.  She's lost her money, her looks, her friends, her health, her everything.  I think she still has a job but I wonder what the hell they think of her, I hear she looks like "shit".

I have remained close with her through the last year and done all I can do to help (which we all know is not much) but for the last couple of months she has not wanted to see me and now is not returning my calls or texts.

Her sister has confirmed that she is in a very bad place.

Its one thing when you see your own child go through this....its horrible.  But for some reason seeing Angel go through it AFTER EXPERIENCING THREE YEARS OF SOBRIETY it makes me more angry than anything.  I am mostly angry at HIM - the MONSTER who is an older man that uses her and she ALLOWS it.  He uses her in every way imaginable.  Its sick, its much more dangerous to her than the drugs.  Its disgusting.

I woke up at 10:30 this morning feeling too depressed to get out of bed (no reason to be depressed....I don't know what's wrong with me).  But when I got the email from Angel's sister I got angry.  I am going to drive around and find her today and make her look me in the eye.  It may not serve a purpose but I have to do it.  I have to look at her and convey to her how much I love her.

I have a bad feeling that if I don't see her now, I may never see her again.  I love this woman.  I want to slap her, but I love her.  Damn these drugs.  DAMN THEM!


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

NAMI Walk

Earlier this year I participated in NAMI's 12 week course for families of people that were mentally ill.  At that time Keven was under a doctor's care who diagnosed him both as bi-polar, then later schizoaffective disorder.  Yes, he was hallucinating and had major paranoia, but after months of buying into his "illness" the truth slapped me in the face:  he is not mentally ill, he is an ADDICT that has messed his life up to the point that he has symptoms of mental illness.  And yes, he has some "mental and emotional problems" who doesn't?  I suffer from depression to the point that I consider suicide several times per year - seriously consider it - but I am not mentally ill.

So its a bit ironic and unnerving that the program Keven is in through court  is very involved with NAMI and one of the qualifiers is that you mut be dually diagnosed with addiction and mental illness.

Today Keven is at the annual NAMI walk up in Huntington Beach "volunteering".

I think NAMI is very helpful for the people that have true mental illness.  I think that people do have psychotic breaks and need help.  But I think its rare compared to how often things are diagnosed.  Bipolar for example - is it an illness?  I know lots of people who fit the description of it and we just say "that's Joe, he's just that way" and he lives his life. I don't know.  I am not an expert but I am very leery of the whole Pharmaceutical Industry and therefore the mental health industry....it really is an industry moreso than any other "health agency" because once they have you convinced your mentally ill you are hooked for life on their meds - there is no cure.

Read Kris's blog, "Borderline Families", if this topic interests you.  She's an advocate against mental illness industry and Big Pharma and has inspired me to look deeper into it, which is how I formed some of my new opinions on this topic.

I am glad Keven's up there "volunteering" (his PO made him do it) because he's out in the fresh air among people in a festive atmosphere and that is positive.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara