September 21, 2011

Where We Were on this Day in 2010 and 2009

WOW!  How things change in time....and how they stay the same!  Here is what I wrote on this date a year ago and two years ago:

2010
The court he is in is called "Opportunity Court" but dang, how many opportunities does he get?
He is in jail today and then will start an "Intensive Out Patient Program for Dual Diagnosis".  He will wear a drug patch 24/7 and be monitored daily with a Breathalyzer for alcohol.  He will attend 90 NA meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, and follow a contract.  If he does not follow the contract he is out.  They wanted me to pay for Sober Living and I am already going broke paying for all his meds, therapist, etc. etc. etc. so I said this is his one last chance and the JUDGE told him the same thing:  "One call from your mother and you're out."  I didn't want him to come home but its pretty clear that he has no room to mess up so we'll see how serious he is.
Obviously he got ANOTHER chance and is still getting them.  If I recall the opportunity above lasted a few weeks and he was back in jail.

I know for sure we are currently out of chances for good.  If he relapses again he's being terminated from court and will serve time and have a felony for life.

2009
As I sit here fighting back tears, I know in my mind that the outcome of today's court appearance is the right one.  I am grateful for the awesome judge and public defender and others that met about K and discussed his case and determined the best route would be a 90 day in-patient treatment center (PH).  My logic, my sensibilities, my knowledge of drug addiction - all of those things are in complete agreement that this is exactly what my son needs.
My heart, on the other hand, is breaking.
The look on his face, the fear in his eyes, the realization that he was not going to be home for a long time...hurt me deeply.
He will be gone for my birthday, his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and possible even Valentine's Day.  What really hurts is that he won't get to see D and Wyatt* when they are here to visit from Germany for Christmas.
I won't be able to see or TALK to him for his first thirty days there.
They currently have no openings so the judge sentenced him to 107 days in jail but said he would be transferred to PH at the first available opening (which typically takes 6 - 8 weeks).
I know some of you have been through this with your kids - what was it like for you?  For them?  Did it help?  Were you able to enjoy holidays without your child home?  Please let me know.I have heard of PH  both good and bad) but don't even have the desire to research it right now.  I just want to hug my son.  That's all I want to do right now.
Thanks for caring.
Why does this hurt so bad?  Its what I wanted - court ordered drug treatment.  I just can't get that look on his face out of my mind....
All I can say about this one:  WAS THAT REALLY ME THAT WROTE THIS?  Hard to imagine having any of those thoughts or feelings now.  I am not hardened, just way more knowledgeable, realistic and self-protective.  This was his first time at rehab.  Can't even count how many in and outs he's had since then.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I really don't know how to stay emotionally attached to my daughter. I can no longer envision a time when things will be different then what they are now -- when I will feel like I can allow her in my home without locking all our valuables, when I feel she is emotionally safe to have unsupervised access to my younger children's thoughts and feelings, when I will think she calls because she wants to talk to me instead of wanting something from me.

I am beyond drained.

yaya said...

Amazing how we just keep on keeping on. We are tired, frustrated, disappointed, etc. but somehow we keep on going.

We have legal guardianship of dd's three small children. She's been clean and sober for 5 months. But I don't give a damn. I don't trust her for a moment. If it weren't for the kids, I would have nothing to do with her. 17 years has taken its toll. I've no feelings for her anymore.

And yet, because of the kids, I can't ignore her and banish her from my mind. So the drama, in a sense, continues.

I've learned lots of coping skills and manage pretty well. But it's exhausting to know that this will never end.

Anonymous Mom said...

ohmysoul,

I can't imagine what it would be like to have other children involved. Sometimes I wish I had another child/ren to take the focus off Keven and give me at least one normal kid - but then I think how horrible it would be for them to have to live with his addiction affecting their lives too. Hugs to you.

Yaya. I can understand why you feel that way after all this time. Damn. 17 years. And you have her three small children. Grandparents who end up raising their grandchildren are my heroes. This is suppose to be your time to live free of kids and have the joy of grandchildren as they are meant to be: for fun, laughter, special outings, etc. etc. Not the day to day raising and discipline. You did that already. They are so blessed to have you.

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