February 2, 2012

He's Not Even Close to Being "Done"

I didn't even want to write about this but why hold back now?  So he lasted four days in the sober living and then he used.  This doesn't surprise me, but I will always be a bit amazed by the actions of an addict...they have no limits to what they will do, or how far they will go to get their high.

He was with me all day Tuesday.  I took him to the dr. and got Suboxone for him.  I dropped him back off at the SL house.  Apparently he left there and got high and then went back.  The other guys in the house suspected he was high so told the house manager who tested him.  Dirty for opiates.

He tried really hard to get me to go pick him up but I said we (our family) were setting a boundary and asked him not to call us, to figure things out on his own.  I almost had a breakdown this morning - feeling weak, etc., but I got some strength from some other moms out there (thank you).

So I haven't taken his calls but I did get a text and he's with Anthony.  So that says it all.

Not going to worry about him.  Just going about my business and will see how things unfold.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

TOMORROW is the big day to purchase the Bruce tickets.  Wish me luck.  I will let you know what happens :)


Anonymous said...

It does unfold, Barbara. No matter what you do.

It's easy for me to say because I have the benefit of hindsight, but this too shall pass.

I think you should turn off his phone, but it's your decision. The way he is living he will lose it or sell it soon anyway.

My heart is really is with you today. I'm so sorry.

Bristolvol said...

I know you are hurting. But remember not to take it too personal. It's all about him, not you! I am proud of you, sister!

Syd said...

Barbara, it is the same cycle over and over. That is the insanity of his disease and of what you and me and others have done to keep ourselves in the middle of it. I know that things do change for me when I am no longer participating in the craziness. You have more hope than anyone I know--You do so much and yet it is not going to stop him. Your hope will help you but it won't help him. Time to let go again and give him to his own HP.

Dad and Mom said...

Syd is wise.

You need to be the one that breaks the cycle. This merry-go-round will not end for you until you decide to get off the ride and break the cycle.

It won't end for Keven until he decides to get off. You can't make that decision for him.

I also agree with Lou. If you are paying for his phone it should be turned off before noon today.

Some way you must find it within yourself to stop enabling.

Anonymous said...

Barbara - I am so sorry.
I'm probably just stating the obvious, but Suboxone has street value. They can smoke it and it's not detectable unless tested for Suboxone. If he has a supply, he has the cash he needs.

In treatment, my son was on a 21 day taper from suboxone. He crushed it and smoked it while IN TREATMENT. Geesh.

Terri said...

From one enabler to another....You deserve to be happy and peaceful. Let yourself be. You know Keven is going to do what Keven is going to do. You need to focus some time on Barbara! I KNOW that it is hard but it is doable.

Good luck with Bruce! :-) I wish he was coming near me this tour.

LL Cool Joe said...

Boy this sucks and you have been given such good advice here by people that have much more knowledge than I do. What I will say is that when we could see that our eldest daughter was beginning to go off the rails a bit we cut back the money we gave to a minimum. She now doesn't have enough to spend on booze or cigarettes. I give her just enough to get herself something to eat each day and no more. It looks a bit sad and mean but it is helping. We used to give her a lump sum at the beginning of the week, and by Wednesday it was all gone on clothes, drink and fags, and had none for food. Those days are long gone. I hope!

Good luck with the tickets!

beachteacher said...

I'm so sorry, and my heart hurts with yours. I know that all of the advice is wise. I also know that our hearts don't have an off switch. If only it were that easy. I'll continue to pray for both Keven and you.

Unknown said...

Praying for wisdom fou you and safety for Keven. Lot's of wise advice has been given.

Bristolvol said...

Unfortunately, all of the wisdom and advice won't do any good if it can't be received. Please open your heart and mind and let it in. It will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself. It will actually safe your life.
If you don't change, why would you expect Keven to?

Anna said...


I am very happy that you are still going to the Bruce concert. You need to keep planning events and experiences that you will look forward to and enjoy. You also need to look at your Mom because she is old and will be gone much too soon. I say this from love and because as you know I just lost my Mom. Somehow I thought that Beth was the only big sadness that I would have to deal with which is not at all true for any of us. So, while Kevin is in a place that he can't be helped shift your focus by spending some quality time with your other loved ones.

The salvation army adult centers will take in rock bottom addicts for free. They have long term programs. I suggest having the number ready for one of them so you can feel that you have offered him an option for shelter if he asks for it.

I am not sure like some of the others here that you have been enabling Kevin. Kevin uses because of himself not because of you. I am concerned however that you continue to improve your own quality of life.

Dawn said...

Thinking of you Barbara.

Hattie Heaton said...

Barbara, I agree, turn off the phone...Are you done? That is the question you should ponder. Work on Barbara, that is what will give you peace and Keven the room to do his own work. You are worth it, my friend.


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