February 25, 2012

Goodbye Heroin Letter

Today I was going to write about my son's "love affair" with heroin.  Then I saw this letter which was published by this girl's parents after she died, only a month after writing it.  The article about it is  here.

When Keven talks about heroin, its as if he's talking about an old friend, or a lost love that he misses.  Hearing him talk that way concerns me, but it also helps me understand a bit more of what he's fighting against. This letter says so much.  I am so sorry this young woman lost the battle.  How many more will die?  I can't stand it.  Something has to change.

Question:  Do you think if teens were to read a letter like this one that it would stop them from trying it that first time?

Hannah


Goodbye Heroin, by 17-year-old Hannah Meredith.
 Dear Heroin,

I never want to touch you ever again, you've ruined my life, made me steal from my family, on probation 'cause of you, why I choose you I don't know?
You're the worst thing that ever came into my life. Yes, I did love you but now it's time to say goodbye.
I'm so ashamed of myself 'cause of you. I OD three times, you're a big risk to anyone that does it and to me.
So I'm going to be strong and stay away from you and never touch you again. My family have supported me all the way but I just kick them up the backside taking advantage of them.
Stole off my mother, granddad, Mam Iscoed. I borrowed money off her and didn't give it back. She's getting old now, and look what you've made me do, my nan — £120 stolen off her, once again 'cause of you.
I love my family from the bottom of my heart, it's not nice being called a junkie or smacked.
It feels horrible, you feel so small. Well I feel small, you made me feel like I'm worth nothing, just a dirty junkie sticking needles in my arms.
You're out of my life now, don't need you no more. Yeah, you've messed me up nearly two and a half years of my life but I've still got my whole life ahead of me and I'm going to prove to everyone that I can stay away from you, going to college, getting a job and a car.
Then get on with my life and get my family's trust back. Stop offending, that's the only reason I was doing all that 'cause of your dirty addiction. You make me sick to be honest with you.
I did love the buzz of you but you're not worth it. By losing my family, thinking about you p****s me off.
But not anymore, I'll make sure you stay away from me, and I'll stay away from you.
I was brought up by a good family not a bad one, yeah I've had a lot of problems in my life, been quite bad actually, all because of you (Heroin) (gear), (smack)!!
You're a killer, you've killed a lot of people and really they are good people. I'm lucky that you haven't put me in a box cemetery. Lost loads of my mates and it hurts me, they sometimes blank me 'cause they know I've been on you (gear) it's not nice when I've got pin holes in my arms and marks, track marks.
The illness that I go through when I use you and the after effects, cold turkey, clucking (corr), withdrawals, it's the worst feeling that you've put me through, being bad off you.
Wanted to kill myself a few times 'cause I couldn't go through it. Well guess what (heroin) I can and did do it. I can beat you anytime. I can control you, you don't control me.
I've got enough will power to get you out of my life for good. I'm strong and much stronger than you can ever be. I'm not losing anything over you. Goodbye heroin.
Never again. Family comes first.
Hannah Meredith

21 comments:

Bristolvol said...

Oh my gosh, how sad it is. This is the realty we are dealing with, every mother worst nightmare and my biggest fear for my daughter.

Sherry said...

After reading the link to the article, two major factors seemed to contribute to her repeated relapses: because she was so young when she started, and because each time she returned to her same group of friends. So sad!

Syd said...

What a sad tale. Those words "never again" are God words. We never say never.

Barbara said...

Bristol, you're right, definitely the worst fear and I think all of us have imagined it for our kids :(

Syd, that is so true. When I hear Keven say "I can't promise I will never do it again" I actually feel better than in the old days when he said "I will never do it again, I'm done".

Sherry, great observations...this poor girl, my heart just breaks, she WANTED to stop but its way too big to do on your own...it made me wonder what its like over there in the UK as far as rehab and recovery groups for her and her family.

Heather's Mom said...

Sad, and so young.
What gets me the most is that is seems like sometimes when they can almost get away is when the monster comes full force.

I hope K had a better day with his anxiety today... for me it's an effort to FORCE a break, force S-L-O-W my brain. Step away for a minute focus and re-group.
I continue to pray for him.
As far as K's "old friend" etc, the only way I can relate is to think of my relationship with cigarettes...
Love & huggs.
God bless.

Addiction--Mom trying to Detach with Love said...

Oh Dear Lord this took the air out of me and made my face wet with tears:(

justLacey said...

No I don't think that this would stop some teens from trying heroin the first time. Teens are of the mentality that they are invincible and it will never happen to me. That is why there are so many alcohol related deaths, drug users and teen pregnancies.

Kathy M. said...

This is very sad. I got chills when I read the line about being lucky because heroin hadn't put her in a "box cemetery."

I had just read a blog of a mom of an addict who wondered whether the addict knew or cared about the effects the addiction was having on her kids.

I think this letter illustrates how deeply they do care, how much agony they experience as a result and how helpless they feel to change.

Thanks for posting this. I hope it helps someone. Hugs.

Barbara said...

Heather's Mom, the cigarette analogy is powerful for ANY OF US who have quit smoking...or tried a million times. Interesting point...when it seems like they are about to break away it comes on full force. Does anyone have an idea why that is?

Renee, I didn't mean to make you cry, but yeah, its a heartbreaker.

Lacey: AMEN! That is my big complaint against the DARE program and all that stuff. It doesn't work. The kids that choose not to try drugs will stay away, the others won't. End of subject.

Kathy - THANK YOU! That is exactly why I posted it. It can seem like our loved ones don't care at all how they affect us. But I think deep inside, most of them do. Some of them probably believe that they have created so much damage that its irreparable. Sadly they don't understand that a parent's love can forgive just about anything.

justLacey said...

I agree on the Dare program and most of the others at school. They are geared at the kids that need it the least. They never want to help the kids that need something extra, my daughter is proof of that.

A Mom's Serious Blunder said...

This made me cry...but lately that isn't that hard to do.

Tonjia said...

How heart wrenching. It is amazing to me exactly how much like an abusive husband the drug of choice is. Incidentally, I just picked up a book called "Willpower is not enough".
Thankyou for sharing that.

addictionjournal.net said...

emotional letter....

but im w/ JustLacey on this question..
Kids at that age feel they are invincible ....addiction happens to others ..the weak ones ..not them...

It's been that way since the dawn of time..

We as kids saw "drunks" ..addicted to booze etc... yet we dabbled....

There cerebral cortex is underdeveloped...addiction preys on that underdevelopment...

So for me...as well written as the letter is.it would me nothing to a young kid...


parent of addict

Tiko said...

Incredibly sad... In recovery myself it still doesn't give me the Al-anon approach with this addiction when it has a grip on my daughter. She too placates me at times but is fully aware of what the pull of drugs and alcohol are doing to her and our home life. She is filled with remorse until she has had time to "get well" then the remorse is easily put away. They are omnipotent and without that drive we wouldn't survive but it is warped in the addict. I call her my Candy bowl girl. She will stay at the bowl until all is gone then ask wheres the rest?? I love her madly and pray daily. Thoughts to all out there.

Barbara said...

Tiko, thanks for stopping by here. Its very sad. We're taught to "not let it take over your life" but that's like telling someone to stand in the rain without getting wet. It becomes our life even if we detach with love, use tough love, don't interact with out kids...whatever. You're either worrying about them or trying not to worry about them. I will add your daughter to my list of addicts I pray for daily (and you too of course!)

Anonymous said...

I was recently struggling with a heroin addiction, I am also a teen. Just 18 years old, started heroin when I was 14. This girl was a strong girl.. Us, heroin addicts, are helpless to change and in fact we try very hard, but only if I could explain how powerful addiction is.. My theory of heroin addiction is like being in a boxing ring with a lot stronger and bigger monster, the monster continues to knock us down, over and over and over again, but yet we get back up and continue the fight against it.. I am a very young girl, and the experience with heroin that I had was terrible, but its why I am who I am today. And I am greatful that I found god and he helped me through this. I pray for every addict out there to get help! In the end GOD WILL ONLY HELP ADDICTS STAY CLEAN AND SOBER.. GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU!

Barbara said...

Sweetheart (Anon) thank you so much for sharing this comment. I am going to post it on my blog today for everyone to see. Us parents long for understanding so every time an addict (recovered or still using) shares with us, we get a bit more insight. For me, it helps me empathize with my son rather than be angry at him. Its easy to fall into anger these days, but it really serves no purpose. Thanks again for leaving your thoughts here. Keep doing what you're doing, and please feel free to visit here anytime and leave your comments.

a.wildflower said...

This is absolutely my worst nightmare. I pray every day that my step-dad will recover from this terrible disease. God is the only way to stay sober. My angel has relapsed countless times, and it scares me so much. I'm afraid he will commit suicide, he has tried before. If only people would realize how much of a demon it is before they try it.

Sarah said...

Thank you for posting this. I printed it off and plan to read it to the teens I teach in juvenile detention. Many of them are drug addicts, among other crimes, and are in lockdown for 45 days. I try to focus on their addictions as much as I can. This letter will help.

Sarah

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