- I was never married to my son's father. We dated two years, broke up, a year later got together one night and I got pregnant.
- For the first two years of his life, bio dad pretended his son did not exist (until his sister ran into me with K one day and shouted "OMG! That's T's kid isn't it, it looks just like him"). His family embraced K so Thom was forced to acknowledge his son.
- From age 2 - 12 T would see K once a month for a few hours. A strong bond never formed but it was better than nothing.
- I asked for child support and to punish me for that, T stopped seeing K from age 12 - 18 except for his birthday (December 7) and Christmas. Twice in one month, nothing the rest of the year.
In April I called T and told him what had been going on in the last 4 months and asked him to PLEASE talk with his wife and think of a way that they could include K in their family (K has a 1/2 brother, age 13 he has not seen in years).
Nothing. Never heard from him again.
Last week I called him again and kind of let him have it...getting out my anger that I had held in for years. I ended by saying, "Look, the bottom line is your son needs you to be involved in his life so step up to the plate."
And shockingly - he DID.
He went to see him IN JAIL (of course I asked K if he wanted to see his dad first - he said yes).
K said it was a bit awkward "like always" but that his dad said he could get him a job where he works when he gets out. THAT would be AWESOME.
I hate calling Thom K's "Dad". He's his biological father but that's too hard to say and type. "Bio-Dad" sounds weird like K was grown in a lab or something. "Dad" seems like too noble of a title for him. but just maybe he will finally earn that title. Its never too late and like it or not my son needs and wants him in his life.
10 comments:
Keven looks so much like his dad. Maybe stepping up to the plate some will be a good thing. I know how much you wanted him to be a father to Keven, but maybe it would have been better for him if he had not known him at all. Forcing someone to be a parent they don't want to be never turns out well. Sometimes even wanting to be a parent and not knowing how to be a good one turns out just as bad. I'm not sure how I would feel if I were a man and in that situation. I know to be the woman is disappointing, but at least we have some choice no matter how difficult it is. Also we have the pregnancy to bond before the baby comes. For a man it just isn't there unless they want it to be. I'm not excusing Thom's behavior, only trying to look at it from another perspective. Now with Keven having so many issues, I'm sure it's worse. Even for you I am sure it's hard and disappointing at times and there are days where you wish you could just walk away. Have faith that things will work out. They still can. The fact that Keven will have a job waiting when he gets out is something to look forward to. Also...maybe they can relate better as co-workers than father and son and move on from there. I worry about you and what else may be going on with you. Everything in your life is so up in the air now. Is there anything I can do to help?
I am ashamed as a male/man that bio Fathers often dont step up to the plate with things such as support. It is a shame he did not help you out. You sacrificed while he probably has set himself up in a successful life. Not that you have not been successful but you have had a lot of hurdles as a single mother of a son to overcome. You are very near to overcoming. I can feel it. A young man usually will come to that ah-ha moment in their lives when they either want to continue to sink or they want to swim. I pray that Keven is close to that point in his life. And I pray that he chooses swimming. I hope this makes sense.
I hope the contact brings something positive into Keven's life. I know some women who wish to God the bio-dads would just go away. You're an amazing woman. Sounds like Keven got the better half.
"donor" works for me on the days I want to string Mantha's dad by the balls.
I am proud of you for sticking it to him! Thank God he is there, even as much as he is right now, this is so not something you should have to do on your own!
Love ya lady! lo
I've been behind in reading your blog. I plan to catch up. I'm thinking of you and praying for you.
Call Keven's dad his sperm donor. I hope that this is a good thing.
Hugs,
Debby
Lacey, you always have a twist on things. Thanks for sharing your thoughts...i miss you!
Dan, thank u you and yes it makes perfect sense. He is sounding a lot like he wants to swim and even used the word "successful" today :)
Madison, wow, I wasn't expecting that it touched me, thank you. I want what's best for Keven. And honestly, I think hid dad is basically a good person with some growing up to do.
Lori, heehee! I am so glad Mantha has a "read dad" in your husband!
Debby, Thanks for coming by. Sperm donor describes it well, I think it was like a five minute process if I remember correctly...
I've never understood deadbeat dads, simply because I know my Dad would literally do anything for me, that when I hurt he hurts, sometimes even worse than I do, and that he loves me completely.
I know guys who you would never think would be father material who had their lives completely changed for the better because they became dads.
I'm glad Thom is making some effort to be a positive influence in Keven's life. I hope he sticks with it.
One of my sis-in-law's had a son with a guy when she was in high school. The father was basically non-existent in her son's life. And much like with your Keven, this took its toll. David has battled the demons of addiction and been in and out of prison for years. He has 6 kids with 2 different women (the mother of his oldest kids is in prison).
David is now 31. My brother tried to be as good a father as he could for David. They didn't have a lot in common but even so David today says that my brother was much more of a father to him than his "real dad" ever was and I believe he puts much more of the reasoning behind his actions on his real father's treatment of him than on my brother's treatment of him.
David has 2 half siblings-- as my bro and sis-in-law had 2 kids together. I'm not sure how many half siblings he has on his bio-dad's side.
I blame it just as much on the area where David was raised as I do his personal demons and his relationship with his bio-dad.
He and I grew up in the same town. Despite the beautiful scenery of the Adirondack Mountains, there's something about that town that sucks the ambition out of people. I know/knew that if I'd stayed there my life wouldn't have gone anywhere. I had to get out and did as soon as I went off to college. When they put a Wal-Mart in town a few years back they had to turn away over 75% of the job applicants due to drug test failure! It's a small depressed community. The State of NY is the largest employer in that town and most of the people who live there are corrections officers (3 prisons-- 2 medium security, 1 super-max, and the county jail too), teachers, administrators, or county/village/town employees. The nearest major city is Montreal, Quebec and the nearest US city is Burlington, VT. With no major interstates passing near the town and the end of the railroad line that ran through (up until the 50s) The village/town is essentially "cut off" from civilization to some extent. And a town of 6500-7000 people in the middle of nowhere... right on the Canadian border. It's a recipe for drug dealers to make lots of money on people who get so worn down by life, long hard winters, and being so cut off whose only escape, whose only real "recreation" is drugs.
Throw in David's situation with his Dad and I can't help but feel for the guy as he had the cards stacked against him.
I'm glad that he has done something for Kevin or wants to do something for him. That could provide a lot of encouragement and a boost in self-esteem for Kevin. I hope that Thom keeps his promise.
Wow, I've never seen a close up picture of Thom but Keven looks like a splitting image of him. Here's a word of hope. Sometimes, men relate better with other men. Some men whether they are involved or not have difficulty relating as parent and child. For example my own dad. He was there physically but not relationally. It's better than nothing granted. Now that Keven is a man, maybe Thom can develop a relationship as a fellow man/friend initially. I pray that's the relationship Keven will be able to develop with Thom. Keven is a good kid and I would think there are some similarities between them that they can build into a relationship as men. Keven took the first step by saying "yes" to seeing him. Thom took another step by offering him a job when he gets out. It's one step at a time but they seem to moving in the right direction. Have hope,
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