Good Meeting

Tonight was Family Group and Keven brought along his friend "Kelly" who truly is like part of our family.  There was a panel of three women from Al-Anon.  One made no sense at all but the other two seemed to touch everyone there, including my son.  One was the mother of an opiate addicted daughter and her sharing was raw and emotional.  At the end she asked for advice from the young addicts there on communication.

Kelly shared (she has about 2 weeks clean and is using Suboxone, she lives with her parents).   Kelly basically told her not to ask her daughter details about her recovery because it was her daughter's recovery, not hers.  She said to be supportive without nagging or asking a lot of questions and to make sure she was living her own life.  I think everyone agreed, I felt proud of her for speaking up and sharing.

Afterward the woman complimented me on my "great kids".  (They do look like siblings, right down the the glasses, brown hair and height).  I told her I couldn't take credit for Kelly but agreed that she was a great kid (she's 21).

I shared in the meeting too!  I talked about what my first Al-Anon mtg. was like and everyone laughed because they could relate to my naivete way back in the early days of this mess.  All in all, it was a very enjoyable evening which included GENUINE laughter and smiles coming from my son :)   Music to my ears.

It would be wonderful if Kelly and her bf and Keven can all stay on the recovery path together.  They have plans to do normal things - movies, swap meet, hiking, the Renaissance Fair, etc.  Its dangerous for recovering addicts to hang out together, but I'm not going to worry.  I'm just going to watch from a distance and pray.

P.S.  I think I was talked into getting a smartphone by the two K's on the drive home.  I am paying $100 a month for a dumb phone so why not upgrade, right?  Anyone have a phone that they LOVE?  Not sure if I want an iPhone, was thinking more of a Droid....

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Happy Birthday, Anthony

I never imagined I'd be adopted by one of Keven's friends; and for all the trouble/heartache  he's caused me, I never imagined I'd be so happy to have Anthony in my life.  But I am.

Today he is 24  years old and on a great path of recovery and spiritualtiy.  I'm so proud of him and excited for his future.  Sure, things could crash and burn, but the changes are so evident and so real, I think he's "done" for good.

He has a four year old son that barely knows him and he is determined to be a good father to him starting now, since he messed up for the last 4 years.

(that reminds me, he found out the other day that his father is getting a life sentence, which he deserves, imo)

So happy birthday, dear Anthony.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I think I mentioned this before, but when Keven was in the hospital the nurse told me about some of the patients that never "came out of" their experience with bath salts and Ecstacy and will require 24/1 care for the rest of their lives. I can't help but wonder if there was any permanent damage to Keven's brain after he went on his binge with this crap. It needs to be banned EVERYWHERE. I think I will make this my new cause since in some ways, its more dangerous than heroin because it can damage you forever. :( (some more positive news: Keven called Anthony and told him he got a sponsor. A good step in the right direction.) Thanks to Homedrugtestkit's Blog and Jeff S. for constantly sharing good articles on their site and FB food page (you should friend them on FB). Hey - how many of you are on FB that I am not friends with? Let me know if you want to connect there, its kind of fun to see what people share. Isle of Man teenager's death prompts 'legal highs' drug ban Continue reading the main story Related Stories Rise in number of 'legal highs' High, above the law The death of a teenager from the Isle of Man has prompted the banning of so-called legal high drugs by the Manx parliament. It makes a group of substances, often referred to as MDAI, a Class C drug under the Misuse of Drugs Act 1976. The Manx legislation, which is expected to be followed by a similar ban in the UK, takes effect on 1 January 2012. Health Minister, David Anderson said the government action sends out a serious message on the Isle of Man. "Clearly, this is a dangerous substance, which has tragically cost the life of a young girl [in April, this year]," said Mr Anderson. "The priority is the safety of our people, and I hope that in bringing this ban, we're able to send a serious message and help prevent this substance causing any ill-effect to anyone in our community. "That said, there should not be an interpretation by anyone that other 'legal highs' which are available to the public, but have not been banned, are in anyway safe to take." Education 'a must' A record number of new "legal highs" were reported across Europe in 2010, with four times as many found in the UK than any other country, figures show. The European Monitoring Centre for Drugs and Drug Addiction said there were 41 new substances , of which 16 were first reported in the UK. The sale of legal highs, which include substances like bath salts, fertiliser and cleaning fluid, over the internet makes their control difficult. Deputy Chief Executive of the Department of Health, Lesley Keenan said: "Banning a substance doesn't mean it just disappears, so education and awareness-raising are a must. "To that end we've asked that the Department of Home Affairs and the Department of Education and Children work together via the Drug and Alcohol Steering Group on a campaign outlining the need for people to take responsibility for their own decisions in respect of drugs, regardless of whether they are legal or illegal." The UK government is expected to bring in similar legislation.

Article:

Designer Drugs Fry Brain Like Ecstasy

Jennifer Welsh, LiveScience Staff Writer

Date: 14 December 2011 Time: 10:35 AM ET

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Some "designer drugs" may be in a legal gray area, but their actions on the brain are similar to those of illegal drugs and could be just as dangerous, new research suggests.

"It's important to know what the drugs are doing in the brain so we can learn about long-term adverse effects, but it can also help to develop strategies for remediation of symptoms of overdose," study researcher Michael Baumann, of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, told LiveScience. "It's important that each of these designer drugs is examined carefully, because each one of them has unique pharmacology," and therefore unique effects.

The researchers studied two popular designer drugs, mephedrone and methylone, analogs of cathinone, a drug found in the plant Catha edulis. The drugs entered the drug scene in the 2000s with innocuous names like "bath salts" or "plant food." These drugs originally fell into a legal gray area because they weren't specifically regulated on a federal level, but in October 2011 they were temporarily classified as illegal, schedule one drugs.

Brain on drugs

Previous studies on these drugs indicate they may work like MDMA (aka "ecstasy") — they increase levels of "feel-good" brain chemicals like dopamine and serotonin, which are released from the brain's reward center when we do something that would help our survival and reproduction, like having sex or eating.

Illegal drugs like methamphetamine and ecstasy release large amounts of these chemicals, several times larger than those naturally released, which create the "high" users feel.

Each drug has specific effects on brain chemistry, though. Drugs like MDMA cause bigger serotonin spikes, while methamphetamine results in a larger dopamine spike. The serotonin spike from MDMA can result in what doctors call "serotonin syndrome," which can be lethal. The dopamine spike, however, is more habit-forming and results in more addictive drugs.

Raving rats

The researchers studied four groups of rats, each given one of four drugs: one of the two designer drugs, MDMA or methamphetamine. The rats were given doses equal to what an average user would take for their weight and body size. The team also analyzed how higher doses (as would happen in an overdose) and repeated doses impacted the rats' behaviors and brain activity. The researchers saw that the rats' brains reacted to the two designer drugs as they did MDMA, with greater increases in serotonin than dopamine.

There were important differences between the drugs. Even weeks after exposure, serotonin levels in the brains of rats given MDMA had made only about a 50-percent recovery back to normal, while the brain chemistry of rats given mephedrone and methylone had returned to normal.

The rats also didn't show the brain chemistry or physical behaviors associated with serotonin syndrome, including the overheating that causes serotonin depletion, but the researchers aren't ruling out other long-term and acute effects though modification to other brain chemicals.

"The two drugs have a similar profile of activity, but the difference is that the methylone is weaker," Baumann said. "You would need more of the drug to have a particular effect."

Human implications

Rats aren't humans, noted Fabrizio Schifano, a researcher who wasn't involved in the study from the University of Hertfordshire, in the United Kingdom, but he thinks the paper is very interesting. "The paper adds relevant info to the existing literature, in the sense that it is able to better describe the mechanism of action of mephedrone and methylone in comparison with MDMA," Schifano told LiveScience in an email.

He also cautions that though these designer drugs seem to have fewer long-term effects than MDMA, researchers still have a lot of concerns about mephedrone toxicity, and the drugs' potential for addiction.

Baumann also cautions that street drugs aren't regulated, which causes other problems. "When you get them off the Internet, you don't know the purity or the content of these drugs," he said. "In addition to playing Russian roulette with your brain chemistry you don't really know what you are getting."

The study was published today (Dec. 14) in the journal Neuropsychopharmacology.

You can follow LiveScience staff writer Jennifer Welsh on Twitter @microbelover . Follow LiveScience for the latest in science news and discoveries on Twitter @livescience  and onFacebook .Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

From the Perspective of a Young Addict

The most popular post on this blog (according to the stats) is the one called "Goodbye to Heroin Letter".
Recently a young lady left a comment there and I'd like to share it here.  I thanked her for it and told her that most parents appreciate hearing what its like for the addict, and especially coming from someone who managed to walk away from it.  It gives me perspective and allows me to be more empathetic toward Keven rather than angry.  Anger has taken over lately and it serves only one purpose:  to help me say no to him, and to let him go.  But on a day to day basis anger has no place in my heart.  Anyhow, here is what she wrote:

"I was recently struggling with a heroin addiction, I am also a teen. Just 18 years old, started heroin when I was 14. This girl was a strong girl.. Us, heroin addicts, are helpless to change and in fact we try very hard, but only if I could explain how powerful addiction is.. My theory of heroin addiction is like being in a boxing ring with a lot stronger and bigger monster, the monster continues to knock us down, over and over and over again, but yet we get back up and continue the fight against it.. I am a very young girl, and the experience with heroin that I had was terrible, but its why I am who I am today. And I am greatful that I found god and he helped me through this. I pray for every addict out there to get help! In the end GOD WILL ONLY HELP ADDICTS STAY CLEAN AND SOBER.. GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU!"

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Feeling Blah - UPDATE

I did take a walk in the rain and it was wonderful.  I feel better right now.  My son even texted me and was courteous.  Then your comments made me laugh and feel better too.   Thanks!

MY LIFE:

No date for me tonight, he cancelled at 7:30 am.  I was not surprised, I had a feeling he was going to.  I'm not disappointed, I was hoping he would.  I'm just not in the mood.  I hope that someday I am in the mood.  What would be really wonderful is to meet a guy the old fashioned way - we run into each other somewhere, there's a mutual interest, we go out on a first date.  This online dating is so annoying and impersonal.  He TEXTED me to cancel our date.  Remember the good old days where you had to get up the courage to actually call someone to cancel a date?  I've heard of some people breaking up with someone over the phone.  That's cold and takes no guts.

His Addiction:

Keven seems angry and depressed.  I'm doing my best to just not think about him, to let go, let God, etc.  But there's a place in my heart that is just for him and I can feel that place hurting.  It feels like I am waiting for disaster to strike because I'd bet money he's not done yet.  He's biding his time at rehab and then will go out and use.  BUT, hopefully I am WRONG.

Anthony continues to do well.  He called me for some advice yesterday.  He has to move out of the place he's in and is not sure where to go so ran some ideas by me.  Money is such a pain when you don't have enough to get by.  He almost had a job, but it fell through and he's looking really hard, but you know how it is these days.  Luckily he has tattooing to earn some income while he's looking.

I feel kinda blah and sad for many of us today.  I am going to take a walk, in the RAIN, with my umbrella on my lunch hour, maybe that will help me feel better.  On my walk, I'll be praying for each of us and our addicts.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Another Mom...

I just read a post by Terri where she talks about running into an old friend who's son is also using.  And there was a comment left here by Debbie, another mom going through what we've all been through (and many still going through).  Debbie doesn't have a blog, but hopefully she can find some comfort and encouragment through reading some of our blogs.  I am going to share her comment here (assuming she won't mind since she left it in a public place):

This is a new experience for my family. I just learned my 19 year old son has been smoking heroin. In all honesty the signs were there I just didn't see it or maybe didn't want to acknowledge it. When we talked to my son he exploded. Later that night he overdosed on sleeping pills. Thankfully he survived that and spent the past 2 days undergoing a psch evaluation. He was just moved to a detox unit at another hospital. His attitude is good and says he really wants to get clean and to stay that way. I know he and our family have a difficult path in front of us. I don't think I have ever been as frightened as I am at this point

My thoughts for you, dear Debbie:

My heart literally hurts as I read this.  I think I can honestly say I know how you feel.  Your son reminds me a lot of my son in the details you shared.  I found out about his heroin use in December 08, he had just turned 18.  He also took a handful of sleeping pills but survived.  That was the beginning of stays in mental health units, rehabs and jail.  I HOPE THAT YOUR SON IS OPEN TO HELP NOW.  But one thing I've learned is that you can't force recovery, they have to want it.  My family has offered recovery to my son (rehabs, etc.) and so far he hasn't been ready.  Maybe he is now, maybe not.  I KNOW how disappointing and scary that is to hear.   I'll never forget my shock when we were at a family group for the first time and heard how many addicts were there for the second and third time.  I thought "wow, that's sad, I'm sure Keven will get it this first time".  Its actually funny looking back on it, but mostly sad that I was so wrong and so naive.  Try to educate yourself as much as you can about heroin.  If your son is smoking it vs. slamming it, maybe he has a better chance.  I wish I could say something really comforting like "don't worry, it gets better" or "he'll be okay" or whatever.  I honestly can't imagine a greater pain than going through this, there is no way to sugarcoat it.  But Al-Anon does help and so does sharing with others and being a part of a community (like the bloggers who have found each other through our blogs).  I don't know your son's name, and I don't need to - but I added both of you to my list of parents/addicts that I pray for daily.  One thing I can tell you is that you are NOT alone.  If you ever need to talk, email me.  Hopefully your son is one of the ones that does choose recovery sooner than later, that's my hope and prayer.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Updates on Stuff

I feel sad and stressed today.  I think the sad has to do with Keven (just an overall thing - nothing specific) and the stress is because I have a DATE Monday night.  Me, a date.  I have not felt like dating for a very long time, in fact, I still don't feel like dating.  But this guy seems too good to pass up on meeting so I will do my best not to be stressed and just get it over with.  Who knows, maybe we will like each other.  It just doesn't appeal to me right now.

And...how do you reply when you get around to talking about y our kids and he says "so tell me about your son"?  I haven't dated since all this shit happened.  I had a boyfriend for the first year of it and he was supportive, but haven't felt like dating since that ended.

In other news:

Anthony got pulled over and harassed yesterday.  The cops in our city know him and pulled him over (he was not driving, a female friend was and they pulled her over for not having a front licence plate - that's BS, I didn't have one for 11 years and never got pulled over).  When they stopped her, they went to the passenger side, guns drawn and made Anthony get out of the car, and put him in the back of their call and called a bunch of back-up.  He told them he was sober now but they proceeded to rip this poor girl's car apart and found nothing.  He thinks they are mad because they had been searching for him for a month when he had a warrant, but Huntington Beach made the arrest.  In any case, he said it was the first time he sat in a cop car with a smile on his face knowing there was NOTHING that could happen to him.

Keven.  Ugh.  I don't know.  I like the place he's at, they called me today about something and said he was doing good, but he tried to get away with something already.  Part of me wonders why we even gave him this chance?  He was just such a mess after all that bath salt crap.

Kelly (Keven's good friend) called me today to tell me her parents took her to the Dr. to get on Suboxone and she's going to clean up.  We had a nice talk.  I can tell she's still hurt that I am close to Anthony because she doesn't believe he's changed.  I hope she does well, she's such an amazing young lady (but aren't most addicts?  they are our children, neighbors, friends....some of them ARE US, good people with a bad disease).

I'm kinda feeling down.  It must be the date thing, right?  I will tell you all details after it happens.  I don't even want to talk about it yet.  I'm hoping he cancels.  What is WRONG with me?  I guess I just don't have the confidence I used to.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara