The other I got a phone call from my son saying he was in jail again.
I was shocked because he'd been at court all morning...how could he get arrested there? Well, he managed it by falling asleep in the courtroom. The Bailiff woke him and arrested him for being under the influence.
Its exactly what happened back in December when all this really started to surface. I was on my lunch break at work and got a call from his school principal saying "K is in my office with the OC Sheriff for being under the influence at school".
He had fallen asleep in class. After the short-lived heroin high, you get very tired and sleep for a long time. He fell asleep standing up once!
So he's back in jail for violating his probation and who knows what else.
He hasn't called me. I miss him. He told my sister that he feels hopeless like he can't beat the addiction, like he's totally f'd up his life. Yet he insists he should not have been arrested for being "tired" and was NOT using. BS, I know he was using the night before, but the drug test they gave him in jail showed up negative.
Its a sad thing when you are glad your kid is in jail. But for now, I think its the best place for him. Strange thinking occurs when you have a kid like this...jail used to scare the crap out of me, now it seems like a safe haven to save him from himself.
I am still spending too much time worrying and thinking serious thoughts. My life is at a turning point. I am trying to work out a lot of things right now, including finding a job.
But the permeating factor in EVERYTHING is K and his addiction. Its like a huge cloud that rained all over my life, it seeped into everything and I am soaked in worry, sadness, anger, disappointment and guilt. Its so unfair!
I have to wonder, if addicts understood how deeply and thoroughly their actions affected the ones that loved them - would they still use? Would they try harder to get clean? My son says "just don't worry about me, don't let what I do bother you so much." Right. All I can say is "I hope you are a parent someday, but I hope you never understand how I feel right now."
I miss him. I wish he'd call me.
5 comments:
Bandit, you are proof that wisdom does not always come with "age". I hope you keep coming back and sharing. Your words mean a lot to me!
I think you are going to be excellent at any career you choose and your first hand knowledge combined with your studies are already helping others.
I also was relieved when my son was in jail. I had some mental rest from all the chaos that addiction brings. I miss my son also and I see him most days, just usually not the son I know is in there.
I really hope he calls....It'll hopefully bring a great relief to you.
Mom, I know exactly what you mean. I want my REAL son back. I've seen glimpses of him lately but then he turned back into the one I don't like so much.
Barbara,
When I was growing up, we had a neighbor across the street that had a son that struggled horrifically with drug addiction. It was very hard to watch, and he was physically abusive towards his mother.
The good news is that his parents hung in there with him, and there was a happy ending - he straightened up, flew right, and as far as I know, continues to do so to this day.
Sorry - it really does get frustrating when it gets to the point where you've done everything you can do - you realize that they have to want to help themselves, but it is still hard.
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