I think Keven got high yesterday while home on his day pass. Not heroin high, but something. I could see it in his face although he denied it. I am 99.9% sure that I am right. This bothers me to the level that I don't even want to see him, talk to him or have him home on Thanksgiving. I have to see him Tuesday to take him to a Dr. Apt.
I can't believe he would be so stupid (actually I can believe it, I am just using this terminology to express myself).
I'm going to need your strength, hope and experience in the next few months because I have a feeling Keven is going to change his mind about not wanting to live here, but he doesn't have a choice. Even his grandmother (who has always told him she would never make him leave) is in agreement that life is better when he's out of the house. WAY better.
When I was new at all this I had so much more compassion for my son. I still have some, but it wears thin after a few years when they've been given chance after chance and still choose to f-up their lives.
Thanks for reading this and caring about us. I feel disconnected and alone these days. One thing I don't like about not working (besides no income!) is that I feel very isolated being alone most of the time. Too much time to think, not enough interaction with other people. Blogging helps fill some of that void.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
12 comments:
I think that you still have a lot of compassion for Keven Barbara - just a different flavor of compassion.
I found that compassion for my son helped me to be strong on his behalf. It helped me to say no to him after years of enabling his bad behavior. Compassion like many things in our lives look a bit different after we experience life a bit. Always good to learn from our experiences.
In addition to what Bob said above (all of which I agree with!)....I would pass along a little pearl of wisdom that my husband once told me, he said, "I'm not asking you not to love Jake, I'm asking you to love him enough.". Enough to do the hard stuff like not enabling, like saying no, I'm sorry but I can be a part of your life if this is how you choose to live it. It's the hardest thing in the world to do, for me anyway....when I really look at it, enabling is far easier than not enabling. But then nothing good ever comes easy!! Hang in there Barbara!! As always, I keep you and Kevin in my prayers.
Thanks, Bob. Good words I needed to hear.
Same with you Kristi, that is definitely a pearl of wisdom. I heard one speaker recently say that we can "love our kids to death" and that's what I don't want to do!
And in all of this - YOU are NOT ALONE. *HUG*
You will always love him but don't have to put up with his mess. Saying No is a good thing because nothing has changed by your saying yes. I think that you know what is right for you.
good grief....we all know how much compassion you've had for Keven...and most certainly understand HOW much more peaceful it is when they're NOT in the house with us. Anyone that's been going through this really gets that. You are SO not alone...please keep talking to us and we'll respond...we all love you and want you to have the peace that you deserve. Hugs to you.
Lori
I think as parents, after years of this, our love "matures." lol Its not that "Oh my God, I have to save my child I will do anything just show me where to sign..." kind of love. Its more of tough love....filled with healthy limits and boundaries and giving our kids the dignity to mess up, learn from it, and then clean up the mess.
And that is perfectly ok.
Annette you said that so perfectly....yes,...it certainly does evolve
Barb, I know what it feels like to be alone. I work, and go to school...but I am still alone. I do not really let those people in. I sit alone at my computer with my words, most of the time. It is so different from when I was using, because when I am using, I am a social butterfly. Now...I am more of recluse. I guess it comes the territory for me now. As for Keven, well...it all goes with the territory, too. I used to think that if I just quit heroin, I could still drink. I thought I could still do coke, and hang out at bars. It has taken me a long time to figure out where my boundaries are, and unfortunately, testing those boundaries often ended in relapse. But, I know know where those boundaries are, and I know where i stand at the border. It just takes time, and it also takes relapse and failure at recovery to eventually get the whole recovery thing. It is a long and arduous process. I am here for you...
Much Love...T
Thanks to all of you...I am NOT alone. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments. They are like words of wisdom wrapped in a warm blanket :)
Joy, peace and Love to you also, dear sister. may your day be filled with thanks, and your heart with a song.
Hi
I have two blogs dealing with my past and present experiences as a recovering bi-polar ADD addict and thing I went through in the depths of my addiction. The websites are www.anaddictsinnerself.blogspot.com and www.dailymemoirstofindingmyinnerself.wordpress.com. I am looking for authors of blogs who write about addiction and recovery to check out my blogs and leave me helpful comments and possibly link me to their blogs if they find my experiences useful to their readers. Please take the time to see what I have to say. This are my true inner feelings and though at times they are hard to write they help me find myself and perhaps help another addict in the process.
Thank you for you time,
Tasiasmama
Post a Comment