He had come up with several stories about why he NEEDED money and if he didn't get it he would be beat up. I know for a fact that yes, you can get seriously beat up in prison for owing money because the guys that are in there for years or life don't care if they get in more trouble - but they do care if they don't get their money.
So yeah, I gave him some here and there. The last time I told him if he ever asked again I would hang up on him. Then...I didn't hear from him for weeks. Until today.
I got a letter from Chino which was a big surprise since he's been at a different (more pleasant) prison for months.
His letter explains how he landed back at the place he hates. He staged a fight knowing that the punishment would mean being sent back to Chino to finish out his sentence. His reason - to get away from the drugs. I am going to share a bit of what he said in his letter...the question is, does he mean it? AND Is it even the truth? If it is true and he does mean it, maybe, MAYBE, he has a chance.
"Momma, sorry I haven't called but I'm back in the hell hole. I staged a fight so I could get kicked out of here back to Chino. I couldn't be around all the dope. I was having serious trouble trying to quit and was at the point that I rather be dead then use again. The guilt and fear of paroling with a habit was eating away at me so I started a fight and didn't stop till I was pepper-sprayed, cuffed and caged like an animal for 13 hours. Then my happy ass was transfered back to Chino. I'm disgusted with myself for what I've put my loved ones through. I feel bad for the guy I fought, but to me I was not fighting him I was fighting my addiction."He gets out in January so I hope that's enough time clean to give him a chance. His girlfriend will have 6 months when he gets out. If things turn out that he uses and she goes back down with him - I will disown them both. I have to. I love them too much to watch it.
I will never disown my real son...I have much more hope for him than I do Ant. He is home on a pass today and had lunch with his ex-gf and now is hanging out with a safe friend a few houses down. He seems very quiet and withdrawn today, but that's not unusual. I know he's not using. I just hope it stays that way.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
4 comments:
I think for the most part when they tell us this stuff, they mean it at the time. They want it too. They just get lost along the way unless they focus their attention on building a strong foundation in their recovery. Something they can stand on. I pray that for Anthony. I don't believe anyone is beyond hope. Even my son-in-law who the system has given up on. I can't make it happen, but I can continue to hope and pray for him.
I heard a woman speak at an AA conference and she shared about a time that she was released from prison. The only thing on her mind was getting to her mom's house to see her baby boy. He was 4 years old by that time and her mom was raising him. He had been an infant when she was first incarcerated. Somehow between the prison and her efforts to see her little boy, she lost her way. She rationalized that she had been locked up for a good few years, what harm would one drink do? She deserved it after all. Before she knew what had happened she ended up back in prison and didn't see her boy until he was 10. She said, "I had every intention of making it there, of building a relationship with him, I meant it when I talked about it. I wanted it." But one drink led to another and before she knew it she was in over her head again.
Its an incurable disease and unless they pursue their recovery every moment of every day, they won't find any real peace in their sobriety and will be hounded by their compulsions. Don't give up hope for anyone Barbara. Where there is breath there is hope.
Sometimes it is not healthy for us to post about what is going on in our addict's lives. Sometimes I think it causes us to dwell on it more, even when we think it is getting it out of our heads.
I agree with Annette that for the most part, they believe (or want to believe) what they tell us at the moment they tell us. I like her comment "they get lost along the way."
Hang in there Barbara. It sounds like K is doing the right things (and aren't we all quiet and withdrawn at times?) and if Ant isn't truly ready yet, we will keep the faith and hope alive that he is working on it.
Annette, WOW! Thank you for sharing this it was perfect. In fact, I may share that story with Anthony because he SAYS he wants to start being a good father to his son who just turned 3 on 11/11/10 (Anthony's new sobriety date). But whether or not a story like that impacts him isn't the point...the point is that its an incurable disease that requires 100% commitment and all of us know how hard that is just from trying to go on a diet or something similar.
Hugs to you!!!
And Hugs to you too Lisa C :)
Your'e right too. I am not going to worry about Keven. Truth be told, I like having him live elsewhere and hope he continues to do so. I can see him having far more success when he has rull responsibility for his life. As for Ant, I am going to send him some drawing paper and pencils (he's an artist) and ask him to draw a bunch of pictures so I can help him finish his portfolio when he gets out (we've started in three times but he always gets busted....)
I hope that both of these young men discover the truth and sobriety.
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