Got a call from Keven today. He tested dirty at "United".
He'd been there for 11 days.
They are letting him come back on Monday which is good.
He begged me to come home and you all would have been so proud of me, I was infuriated when he first told me and I said NO WAY ON EARTH.
So the plan was for his PO to pick him up and take him into custody. She wasn't able to do that.
Our attorney called and said that since Keven did the right thing - confessed, is remorseful and knows how desperately he needs help - that I could pick him up an let him stay here the night and then bring him to court in the morning and they would take him into custody from there.
So he's home. He's still high (he used late this afternoon and was immediately caught, someone told the director that they should test him).
Its very sad. My anger has dissipated and now I'm just plain sad. You see, I learned something new tonight. Something I had never known before. And it felt like a kick in the gut.
He admitted to me that he's never gone longer than a month without using.
A month.
He has a six month chip, I asked him what that was about and he says he was pretending so as not to get in trouble or upset us more than we already are.
He was very disappointed in himself, and he seemed kind of scared. But, on the brighter side he has a sponsor again for the first time in a long time and he said he thinks with this new sponsor he's going to be able to really work the program. Lets hope so. I met the sponsor, I liked him a lot, he gave me his number.
So here we are again.
Ha, it would be "funny" if he and Anthony end up in the same cell.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
10 comments:
Is it good he is at home? Where I live they would have had a county sheriff deputy pick him up and put him in holding overnight.
You say he is still high, yet you are believing what he is telling you..he is remorseful, etc. I would take what he is saying with huge skepticism. Don't get mad at me, Barbara, but talking to someone when they are high is useless.
Barbara - wow that's a lot of information in one short post. My head is spinning and I feel like I cannot fully grasp the weight of it all: He used again...kicked out...6 month chip...all a lie...custody...yikes.
At least you know he is within the confines of court and United - where he can get the help he needs to get back on track.
Sending big hugs your way Barbara!
I don't need to comment. Just go back and read Lou's comment again.
That is my contribution.
I am thinking exactly what Lou said!!
Be strong - you are going to need it!
Love and hugs
Barbara, I wish that your statement of NO WAY ON EARTH would have held. Boundaries that fold like a piece of cardboard are pretty useless. Yes, he is your son and you love him. But it would make me realize that I have done nothing that has helped in reality because 1. He is still high, 2. He lies and is likely lying all the time, and 3. Everyone covers for him, including the court system, so he has no consequences. Picking up the pieces for him every time and justifying it will eventually cause a lot of harm to all concerned.
I'm sorry Barbara to hear this but, we all know relapse is part of it. Thinking of you.... I hope he'll get back to the hard work of recovery today! Hang in there!
Ditto everything Lou and Syd have said.
My question is why would you want K's sponsor's number? Whose working this boy's recovery? You need to work your own program and leave K to work his.
Go back and re-read Melody Beattie's "Co Dependent No More".
K is a master manipulator. He plays the court, the rehab facility and you.
And your attorney said K did the right thing? he confessed? duh! he got caught, he tested dirty.
Re-read Melody Beattie's "Co Dependent No More". Revisit the chapters on "Rescuing" and "Detachment".
How many "last chances" does K get? Maybe it's time you stop feeling sad and get mad.
I've got 17 years in the addiction trenches. I've pretty much seen it all. Trust me when I tell you K needs to do more work on his recovery and you need to step back and let him suffer the consequences of his bad decisions.
The only thing he's learned so far is that he can fool most everyone.
Sorry to sound so crazed. But I hate this disease, not so much for what it does to the addict, but for what it does to those who love the addict. It makes cowards of us all.
God Bless
Barbara, I know your heart is hurting, but I kinda wish you could get back to the "mad" part. Everything I would say has already been said here.
I hate to sound like a broken record, but it sure appears that he's not done yet. I realize an addict is never really "done" because relapse is always a possibility if recovery is not sought/worked on daily, but what I mean is, he doesn't seem to WANT to be done. He says he does, but his actions seem to me to say otherwise (his anger over boundaries put in place to help him at United that he perceived as unfair?).
He hasn't really tasted consequences that seem to matter to him.
My daughter was offered this same court treatment system that K is in. By the grace of God, she was offered it at a time that she was really serious about working on recovery and she turned it down! She said, "I'd never get sober there, they give you too many chances, it's a revolving door and they just slap your wrist and send you back out there... it takes forever for them to get serious with you."
At the time, I thought she was nuts, but since then, I can't tell you how many of her friends have been through that system and it just seemed like exactly what she said: a revolving door, a soft ride down to the same place they really needed to be in the beginning: a very hard consequence/bottom/profound experience. (My daughter at that time chose the hardest outpatient program in the county and she had to pay for it herself and she got almost two years clean time in. Then she relapsed. But, I'm glad she did not do the court program - she really learned more in the more difficult program.)
But, it wasn't until she came home from prison, that I started hearing "I don't want to go back there." Jail never bothered her - DD1 and I (and her friends) visited on weekends, she had friends who placed money on her books, she "did a lot of reading and talking to friends." Prison was another story. Nicer in a lot of ways, with psychiatric medications, a challenging job, the track to run on, NA/AA meetings, the food was better, etc. But it was so cut off from most of what she wanted - her friends and her family. The three months of silence (no phone calls) on the A-yard before she made it over the wall into the general population was torture for her. That was a stark change. She came out of prison much more focused on staying sober, getting a job, getting her finances untangled, her faith and her church activities, etc.
(I'll continue below.... this is too long.)
(It could all change tomorrow. I won't think about that until it is necessary. I am aware that it could, but I don't dwell on that.)
Barbara, please, get mad. Put yourself first and take care of you. Try to let K taste his consequences. Some folks recommend backing off and telling their addict there will be no contact of a casual nature (visits, phone calls, rides, etc) until they have been in recovery for a set amount of time. (Example: six months.) It's hard, but it's worth it. It is more peaceful for you and more productive for them. At a minimum, only take calls during a set time when you are not at work, getting ready for work, etc. You have the right to protect your job!
In taking care of yourself, you have a right to NOT visit that jail or treatment facility and put yourself through the misery of the wait, the visit, hearing the empty promises, and the depressing ride home afterwards. Schedule something fun for yourself with your sister and your mom, and go do it. Let K deal with this. Let K deal with his sponsor, the courts, everything, while YOU TAK E CARE OF BARBARA. Because she's an awesome, deeply compassionate woman who needs to take care of herself AT LEAST as much as she takes care of her son.
And please, get some reading time in, daily, with the M. Beattie book and let me know if you need a copy - DD1 can bring it to work Friday. :)
My thoughts are disjointed this morning, sorry about that. I'm only one cup of tea into my day! Please know I'm praying for you and K, and all our children. Big hugs, Barbara…. You are loved!
Hi Barbara,
I think that it does not make a lot of difference what you did for one night. He surely could have stayed elsewhere but he probablywould have done even more drugs and likely not shown for court.
That being said, he does not hav to live with you. You need some space and some peace in your future. He and my Beth and many many others may never be well. If we let them kill us off too then they will be even worse off.
Do not beat yourself up here. Your actions did not make him better but they certainly did not make him worse either this one time.
Take care.
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