August 2, 2011

I posted something up here yesterday afternoon but took it down.  It was just more of the saga of Keven's depression and circumstances, blah, blah, blah.  So many others are going through much more serious stuff right now...I mean really, my post seemed petty and I felt embarrassed to be complaining.

Mostly I am just sick and tired of all of it.  Its like, we're suppose to be detaching with love, but how do you stop yourself from worrying and hurting?  Is that part of it?  Just turning off the worry?  Its not that simple.

I suffer from pretty serious depression myself.  I take meds and they help but I still get very down quite often.  I have been fighting a major episode all summer but keep pushing through, numbing myself and sleeping a lot to avoid thinking or feeling (sometimes my dreams are worse than reality so that's not good).

But really my thoughts for today are what the fortune cookie says above.  Many of us  inhabiting this planet is dealing with something.  Kindness really goes a long way. I don't want to be the person complaining more than encouraging, but sometimes that's all I have in me.  It sucks to live like this, doesn't it?  I want to get to the point where I can live without stressful thoughts of Keven in the background of of my mind all day.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara


Annette said...

What I am wondering as I read this is how do you take care of yourself? Do you ever just take your dog and go out for a walk in a pretty area? Do you focus on eating healthy food? Getting enough sleep? Taking good care of your skin? having coffee with a friend?

I know all of those things sound ridiculous when in the middle of a crisis. However, our lives have more crisis than most and if we let all of the above go for every crisis...we begin to let ourselves go. We aren't as important as any crisis our kids find themselves.

You have to make yourself...physically, mentally and emotionally, a priority, my sweet Barbara. Your life didn't stop the minute your son picked up a needle. That would mean heroin stole two lives. Let Keven figure his stuff out while you figure yours out.

Unknown said...

Yes. What Annette said. A thousand times what Annette said. Take care of you. Make YOU a priority. Find a focus outside of all the troubles you deal with every day. Find a way to let yourself just be you for a while. EVERY DAY.

Anonymous Mom said...

Annette and L, thanks. I actually do a fair job of taking care of myself. I don't walk the dog as much as I should cause of the pain it puts me in (I do walk at lunch every day for 15-30 minutes) and do stretching twice a day and hopefully can do more if I could ever lose weight (I think I need some hormonal help cause last year at this time I lost 30 pounds and now I am doing the same things but nothing comes off...or it could be all the ice-cream I sneak and pretend I didn't eat).

My skin has been a priority since I was in my teens...I'm obsessive about it (vain???). As for friends, at the risk of sounding pathetic, I don't really have any that I actually see on a regular basis. I have my sister, she's always been my best friend.

But I do get your point and agree. I think that even if Keven was going great, a lot of the depression I have is about other things in my life.

I do believe that what we think and do affects how we feel so I am working hard to think more positive, to visualize good things, etc.

Today I am going to paint some flowers on the back of my bedroom door.

Thanks again, you two. Love ya both.

Annette said...

Welllll, I was just getting ready to post this but thought it might sound like I was obsessing over YOU! lol Because we all know I do have that capability. lol

I had been reading through some of my past posts and saw a comment where you said you didn't have a social life. I was thinking about Meet-up groups. I joined one for owners of pitbulls...since we have Hannah's dog and not everyone loves pitbull dogs. I met a lot of wonderful people through that group. I am also in a homeschool meet-up group and again, I met some great women. A friend of mine is in hiking meet-up and loves it. All kinds of meet-ups are out there. Or you could start your own! A recovery/walking group! Ok ok ok...I'm just sayin....:o)

Dawn said...

I know exactly what you mean Barbara AND I hear what Annette is saying too. You do have to do something you like for yourself - whatever that is! I push myself to from time to time - I do always feel better after! I don't have many friends either so calling someone to meet up with on a moments notice isn't my reality. If I lived near you I'd definitley call you to go for coffee or a walk!! This blog is your blog to voice your thoughts, feelings etc.. You don't have to apoligize for what you write or are feeling! Having a child going thru hard times is never easy regardless of the circumstance - Throw in addiction and it's twice as complicated!! We all have bad days and hopefully this too will pass. Hang in there!

Syd said...

I like to think that I keep the focus on what I am doing rather than on what others are doing. It doesn't work every day, but I realize that I don't have to fall into a trap of self-pity or obsession. I do my best to keep my life stress free and enjoy the hobbies that I have. Worrying never solved anything.

Topper said...

Barbara: usually you are very positive, I have noticed lately not so much, that you are getting depressed. for myself, with my 23 yo son, who is an opiate addict, I have had to really concentrate on what I'm doing,vs. what he's doing. I used to drive myself crazy with worry over his activities. It makes me sad that I don't talk to him as I used to, but I came to the conclusion it was't working for either of us. He has proven himself to be remarkably resourceful when I got out of the way. And I am a lot more at peace since I am consciously focusing on other activities. I have had to get past the fact that I am "different" than people who don't have addicted family members. I had a tendency to isolate myself because of this. Don't get me wrong, I am not happy about this situation, but I am able to deal with it on a daily basis without stomach churning anxiety. Blessings to you. contact me if yo want.


Anonymous Mom said...

Syd, please, please don't take this the wrong way, but its different for a mother than it is for a husband. I admire the way you've worked hard at your own recovery but this is my only child, and it takes so much effort to concentrate on other things that its almost as difficult as just allowing myself to worry. I don't want to be this way but if feels like knives stabbing me in the heart, the stomach and the back all at once.

Topper, yes I would like to get a hold of you, can you email me, I don't have your email. Things just got MUCH WORSE in the last hour, he wants to leave Unidos, terminate from the program and do his time because they stole a bunch of his nice stuff and are accusing him of being high and blah blah blah. I was texting with him and he said he had to stop cause he felt worse talking to me and I said, yeah I need to stop too.

Bristolvol said...

I don't know myself, really, but just some ideas to throw out in addition to what Annette said. Maybe try to limit contact, like not texting every day, not let him burden you with his ideas, don't come to his rescue immediately, only if it's an emergency, don't go see him so often, see other people instead, etc. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just trying to help. I know that another's depression can make your own worse. Let him figure out his life without you as a safe harbour. If he was a husband with a family or in college away somewhere or in the military, stationed overseas, you would have had to let him live more independently too. I am not saying you should abandon him by no means, just establish some space for yourself in which you can breath easier again. Love, peace and hope for you, dear friend.

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