August 1, 2011

Once again I have chest pains and tears

I am sick of this shit!

I know that's not a nice thing to say but that's how I feel.  I was just getting to the point where I felt like I had my life back and then Keven calls severely depressed and anxious and tells me he is not allowed out of "United" for 90 days even for a home pass or a dr. visit with me with him every second.  (His po's idea, not the rehabs).  He was so down and I could hear that old defeated keven that used to have major panic attacks and delusions and all that stuff.  So I called his psych who is calling him up there.  It sucks.  I guess I am mad at his PO for being so harsh, but that's her job, right?

Why am I so upset over this?  Much, much worse has happened.  Maybe I'm just more frail than strong today.  I just burst out crying when I was talking to his psych (he's mine too) and although he can't discuss Keven's case with me he did bring up his girlfriend (she sees him too!) and I can tell he has serious concerns about her.  She is 31 years old, Keven is 20!  Maybe that's the underlying cause of this feeling...

Yeah, we're not suppose to let all this get to us, but it DOES.  It gets to me.  I can't help it.  I just want it all to end.  Then I read VJ's blog, and Dee's and Tori's and my heart breaks.  There are parents out there with much bigger concerns than me being upset cause my poor little baby is anxious and depressed and in an unhealthy relationship, but he's MY baby.

That reminds me, I can't remember where but recently I read something where the author was saying how ignorant and wrong it was for parents to refer as their grown addicted children as their "babies".  All mothers (that I know) still think of their children as their babies because they once were their babies.  That doesn't mean we think of them AS BABIES, just as the person we gave birth to, the person that is part of us that developed inside of us that owns a piece of our heart.  So yeah, I call him my baby even though he's 20, 6'1 and not a baby.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

1 comment:

Terri said...

Yes, it is very hard for mom's to not feel some of their children's pain. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this right now. Sometimes I feel like a sponge and absorb all my kid's pain. I have several kids that I "adopted" over the course of my life. I understand what you are dealing with with Ant.
Please take a breath and take care of yourself.


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