December 23, 2011

The Dam is About to Break

I can feel the tears building up pressure and don't know how much longer I can keep them at bay.  I'm afraid if I allow myself to cry I won't be able to stop.

I just read that a friend (who lost her sister to cancer two years ago) just lost her brother to a heart attack today.  I just read a message on FB by my 16 year old nephew that says he's depressed and hopeless and wants to die.  I know many of you out there are hurting.  I just want it all to stop.  Why does life have to hurt so much?

Haven't heard from Ant so I know what's he's up to and can't help but wonder if he's with Kev.  I need to return a call to Ant's grandmother but I can't bring myself to call her.

Tomorrow my friend Nuel is coming over with his big black dog and he, my sister and I are taking our three dogs for a hike nearby.  I need to be in nature.  I need to get this pressure off my chest.  I need Nuel's arms around me.  (no - nothing romantic there - just a 30 year old friendship).

Sorry this is a downer but its how I feel at the moment.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

P.S.  Just saw this on VJ's blog, its a quote from his counselor, a reminder I needed too:

"My counselor last comment was
reminding me that addiction is a
brain disease and that it is more
powerful than my son's love for
his family, more powerful than
logic and reason, more powerful
than the pain it creates in his
life."




14 comments:

Dad and Mom said...

Barbara,

Life goes on regardless of what goes on with everyone else. Mom just text me 30 minutes ago that her uncle died, the one they called in hospice. She has gone to see him the last 3 nights. We knew it was going to happen but that is how life is, we just have to accept it as it is and go forward.

I'm not trying to minimize the hurt and pain, I have finally come to realize no matter what Alex is, was, or will do my life will continue as it comes. That has made my life easier, not less painful, just easier.

Bar L. said...

Thank you, Ron. My head knows that but today my heart seems to have more say so.

Please give Darlene my sympathies in losing her uncle.

Annette said...

Barbara, ((HUG)) If you have to cry, let it out.

Mary Christine said...

Tears really are therapeutic. Maybe once you get them out, you can enjoy what sounds like a nice plan for Christmas.

notmyboy said...

CRY! It is cleansing. When I was in the thick of things, I used to give myself one hour to cry every day. Each day I cried less. It helps! We can't be rainbows and lollipop people all the time. Sometimes a storm blows in.

Bar L. said...

Annette and MC, thank you. :)

NMB, am I allowed to laugh? :) Cause your comment made me laugh. I've never been much of a rainbow lollipop person but I strive to be. Today is a new day, and damn it, I'm going to have a good one!

kc bob said...

Came across this quote from Nazi Death Camp survivor Elie Wiesel this week:

“No heart is as whole as a broken heart, and I would say no faith is as solid as a wounded faith.”

It encouraged me because life can seem like it is all about having our act together. In truth we all struggle (I lost a 43 year old niece and many friends this year) but few of us talk about our struggles. Thanks for talking about yours Barbara! I appreciate you!

Mike aka MonolithTMA said...

The great joy we expect this time of year tends to amplify the sad things that occur. These things are sad year round, but it just feels like they aren't supposed to happen at Christmas time, but of course that isn't so.

Great comments so far. I too encourage crying, it is exhausting, but when it is over it brings such relief. Sure the sad things are still sad, but crying really releases a lot of the stress.

You are an amazing woman, Barbara. Thank you so much for allowing us to hear your pain and offer what support we can.

Syd said...

Barbara, the best thing for me to do is to feel the feelings. Even men cry! It is okay. This is life and really it is glorious if we choose to see it that way. If you can get to a meeting today, maybe go. AA has lots of open meetings on Christmas Eve and Al-Anon may have some as well. Take care and know that I am thinking of you and wishing you the best day. Your hike sounds so good. I find so much peace out in Nature.

Momma said...

Crying helps... really, it's ok to cry. It's a release.

With all the people in your life, someone is always suffering... that's the way it is. You have a good heart, Barbara, much compassion.

Peace.

Anna said...

I am so glad that you have made plans for tomorrow that include activity out in nature. Dogs can teach us so much and bring great joy. They only know how to be in the present moment.

I agree completely with NMB...... let your tears come but also let them go. Grief and heartache comes in waves just like labor pains. Let the waves come in and cry but also realize when they are going out to capture some good times.

Should you laugh? Absolutely, it keeps you sane. Merry Christmas.

Tori said...

Crying can be the best therapy. I cried for about an hour the other day and it helped. The weight is still there but a little less. No matter how much we want, we just can't change the choices our kids make. We need to allow ourselves to let it all out the best we can.

Love you Barb, I hope today is better for you.

Meow (aka Connie) said...

Barbara, as I've said before, I cannot begin to understand what you are going through. However, I just wish I could be there for you, to surround you in a big hug, and have my shoulder there for you, should you need it. Take care, dear friend, and hope today is a better day for you xxx

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