I saw myself in every person that spoke - me three years ago, two years ago, last year and today. I only shared a little bit but I kind of echoed what another mom was saying in hopes that the parents who were not ready to let go and the ones that just had, would not spend Christmas worrying that their kid is freezing and hungry on the streets of South Orange County, CA. It just ain't gonna happen like that! (it doesn't get that cold here for one, I think of Lou's Andrew in the snow during his using days - that's COLD).
Addicts are clever and have their own little community of fellow users. I know Keven is not in the gutter somewhere, I am certain he's at someone's house or in a motel. He is not hungry, he doesn't need anything. He's doing drugs and that's all he cares about. Hopefully he won't OD or get murdered or hurt, but other than that....what's the worst that can happen? Odds are he will survive just like the majority of addicts who CHOOSE this lifestyle.
I read this on Annette's blog today:
I do not want to see my child nodding off, glassy eyed, slurring her words, disheveled, skinny, rambling a mile a minute or raging.Neither do I! I never want to see him like that again, and I'll just add paranoid, hallucinating, with his skin broken out in scabs, bruises and track marks all over his arms/neck, ETC. (although he's not skinny - he's actually put on weight!)
I refuse to subject myself to that ever again. I've placed myself in the direct path of his anger, his insane behavior, his symptoms, for too long. I'm just done. I want to see him clean. I want to see him trying to get clean. I don't want to see him like I know he is today.
I'll update you on Anthony later - please pray for him, he's struggling. He wants me to go see him after work, he needs someone to talk to. He didn't use but I can hear the fear in his voice. I reminded him that he is in control right now because he's NOT HIGH so to choose to stay that way. I'm trying so hard not to worry about him. Much more concerned for him than the other one today.
Praying for you and your fams.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
15 comments:
This makes total sense to me. Now if I can just knock it into my own head.
You are a brave woman, and I hope for your sake that you'll continue attending and listening at those meetings.
I suggest that you encourage your son to not so much "choose to stay that way" as to find a recovery house and STAY THERE.
Anna, I need to keep it in my head. I alternate between being strong, surrendering and feeling desperately hopeless.
Abbie, thanks for leaving a comment! I have encouraged my son to stay somewhere and come to think of it, the only place he's completed was the very first 90 day program he was in. All the others he left or was kicked out. This last time was his 5th time in a rehab. As much as it kills me to admit it - he's just not ready :(
Barbara, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going thru. fwiw, I know many recovering addicts who took several attempts before they "got it". And,hopefully this will emcourage you, too: On thanksgiving, I celebrated 19 years clean. God still works, just not necessarily on our time. : (
I have a son about to turn 19, and I pray all the time that he won't make that choice. (to start using.)
Blessings...
p.s. You are So right about addicts having communities. It takes A WHILEto use up all the resources.
I know what you mean about alternating between being strong and being utterly hopeless.
I didn't like see-saws when I was a child, don't like them now. Kind of hard to get off of them when the other person doesn't want to stop see-sawing. Sometimes we have to do it. =(
Hi Barbara,
Please don't take this as a criticism, as it is only meant to support you: Please be careful not to let Anthony replace Keven, in terms of your co-dependency behavior....needing to worry about someone...I know that I often do this: replace one thing/person to worry about with another, as it seems I just have a need to WORRY. ALL. THE.TIME. Encourage Anthony to reach out to other supports...not just to you. It may be the healthier thing to do for all involved. Take care of you.
Shelley in SK
Shelley is so right. I want to add that you have to let Ant go to or else you will be sucked into his drama before you know it. I meant to say that this afternoon already, but I did not get a chance. Please be aware. Anthony needs a sponsor and he needs to work his recovery.
I think I would agree with the above commentators....
but I want to say thanks for posting today, your description of the ALOs and their appearance, scabbed, broken out, and paranoid behavior etc, is very difficult.
don't know what the holidays will bring for me. Trying to stay detached, but loving :) Best wishes from down here in TX
We are all doing our best, aren't we? No matter how well or poor that is, it is our best.
Yes, Andrew did spend a whole freezing winter homeless. He slept in the library during the day. He has survived unbelievable events.. some of it makes me sick. They figure out how to keep going long after you and I would give in.
I'm glad you are finding comfort at the meetings. You have a lot to share with newcomers.
I agree with you, Mary Christine. We are all doing our very best...our very best with the ' personal reserves' that we have at this point in time. That's very important for all of us to keep in mind.
Shelley in SK
Barb, I am so glad that you went to the Nar-Anon meeting. I am sure that you can share your experience, strength and hope. I hope that Anthony has a sponsor and will use that sponsor. He needs to talk to someone in NA--one addict talking to another. It is what works.
Shelley took the words right out of my mouth. Its an amazing dynamic that we co-dependents have to care for others...no matter who it is, if its our domain or not, we can come in and save the day. Our need to be needed. I say this from personal experience my dear sweet hearted friend.
I am so glad you went to a meeting! For me it is so good to look out and see those live faces every week and know that through the good and the bad, we are all walking it together. I am not alone, and neither are you. You have so much to offer...keeping coming back! :o)
my thoughts exactly Shelly.
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