In my last post I said that Anthony is using again. This doesn't come as a shock or a surprise, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept. I am done with him. I am not just saying that, I truly am.
Unfortunately I still have to live with the effects of his using because of how torn up Keven is over this. He asked if he could come over and talk to me today and said "don't worry, its not about me, I'm fine." Well I already knew in my gut what it was about. Seeing Keven's face, the stress, the fear, the anger, disappointment and concern....all of it, even stronger than how I am feeling it - - - makes me hope and pray that Anthony gets thrown back in prison immediately.
He tried to get Keven to use with him. Keven refused but DAMN HIM, how dare him? I know, I know, he's an addict and that's what they do - they don't give a shit about anyone else as long as they can get high.
I overheard Keven telling him he could talk to him on the phone but not see him in person. I'm thankful for that but I hope he gets to the point where he doesn't even talk to him on the phone.
Kev is spending the day with an older friend that's in the program and they are going to meetings, etc. Keven told him what's going on and this man said "you can't be alone today". I feel fairly confident that Keven will not use, but there are no guarantees. Maybe he did.
I am so pissed off right now. I am sick. I have not felt sick like this in a long time.
He still has not fessed up to me - I texted him and asked how he was today and he said "most excellent, how are you". I didn't even respond. He told Keven I was the one person he didn't want to find out.
I wish I could get him arrested.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
14 comments:
I think when our kids see their friends go back out it gives them a taste of what they have put us through. Doesn't that sound awful, mean, and vindictive? lol Thats not how I mean it at all though. Its good for them to experience it from the other side though. I mean how many times have YOU been in the position with Keven that he is in with Ant right now?
Keven sounds like he is doing well. He has surrounded himself with some strong people and he is doing what he can to protect himself. That is great and shows a lot of maturity on his part. For today he is doing all that he needs to do to maintain his sobriety and that is all we can hope for.
As for Ant...its so hard. Its so hard to love someone and have to disengage and stand by while they make devastating choices for themselves. Put him into God's hands and let him go. There is always hope...but it won't be anything that you do or don't do that will save Anthony. Love him from a distance and let God take over taking care of him.
Is he on probabtion? If he is an anonymous call to a PO may be in order.
Barbara, addicts are using without trying to hurt your feelings. They justify it to themselves with "only one time won't hurt, nobody knows it, it's not that bad, etc.". Don't take it personal, it's nothing you did or could have done to prevent it. I think you need to step back, and let it be. He is not your responsibility. He is a master manipulator, like all addict. He reminds me so much of my daughter. Don't let him use you. Do something nice for yourself this weekend. Sending you hugs and good vibes.
Annette, I will be loving him from a very, very long distance. I think Keven did get a taste of what its been like for me to watch him relapse.
Ron, he's on parole and I looked up his parole agent and have his number in my phone. I was going to call him but decided to stay out of it. Knowing Ant he won't be out long anyhow. He's no safer in prison because he did heroin the whole time he was there.
Bristol,
I know. I think more than being hurt I am angry. Angry that he is trying to drag other people down with him. I am so done with him. This weekend I am going to the movies with Keven.
oh shit ! I missed your post yesterday....I am just so sorry. And yes, I like Annette's comment....about loving him from a distance and letting God take care of him. But boy oh boy...I would be so angry too....trying to bring Keven down with him too....even though yes, that's what they do...UGH. I'd like to give you a big hug right now. :(
The self-centered thinking of addicted people is amazing. I would be pissed too for his trying to get Keven to use. But Keven would do best to sever his ties with Anthony who appears to not have learned anything.
Oh, my gosh, Barbara. I'm so sorry to hear this. Stay strong, Will you confront him? Don't know if it will do any good, but it might make you feel better to get it all out in the open.
Thinking of you...
I feel like I'm running out of things to say, so I'll state the obvious, I am truly so sorry...sorry for you, you've been through enough, sorry for Kevin, because I wish Anthony could be a positive force for Kevin and sorry for Anthony because addiction stinks and it makes them who they are. Praying for all who struggle and suffer from this hellish disease.
Hey my friend. It breaks my heart to read this. I love you and wish I could solve fix for you. Seeing as how I can't do that, I CAN say that I think of you all the time, and I hug you from across the miles and pray for Keven (and Anthony) to have the strength to beat this and for you to have the strength to support them through it, in whatever way you need to.
Dearest Barb...my heart aches with you right now. And I think back onto my parents, and all the times I relapsed. By the end, I was rarely in contact with my parents. Partly because I just did not care, or could not care...I had to much other more pressing issues to deal with. Like getting high. Like keeping well. Like stripping, and making money that I so desperately needed because I could NOT get sick. And partly because it was to painful to think about it. If I did talk to my mom, I usually ended up upset about something. The guilt would creep back in, and I just used more to put those feelings aside. Bury them. Numb them. I still bury my feelings now. Sometimes, when I get a really strong emotion, like afraid or hurt...I just put it aside. After so many years of addiction, I have learned how to put things completely aside, avoiding the pain. But, I have faced all those old demons at this point, and when I put those emotions aside now...they usually fade instead of fester. It has taken me a long time to get here, though.
I know I put my parents through a lot of shit. And reading this post, I think that this is exactly how my parents must have felt when I relapsed over and over. I had not really looked at it like that until reading this. I can never put them through that again. I did not know what I was missing then, but now...I would not trade my family for ANYTHING. This lesson took me almost thirty years to learn, and I am so thankful that they are all still here for me now. I am truly blessed with a wonderful family. Both Keven and Anthony are so lucky to have you in their lives.
Oh Barb...I seriously would have thrown up. Just the thought of someone you love trying to convince your son to use again is...I don't even know. Really bad. I think it is time you both severed ties with Anthony. I am sure deep down you new it could come to this and guess what it is here. Just my thoughts on the subject...I am not a big advice giver but I just felt compelled to say it.
I'm sorry.
I know how much you love Anthony and as a mother how much you would do to protect Keven. I hate that you are going thru this.
I think distance and detachment from Ant from both you and Keven right now would be a good idea. He has to do it himself and he isn't ready. There isn't anything you can do or say that is going to change that. Just let him go and give him to God. Much love and prayers to you my friend.
Oh, bummer :(
Don't forget to look after you, too.
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