I can't say why I am so upset. But maybe you can guess. I've written about Anthony because I have nothing to lose in writing about his actions on my blog. My son is very depressed, anxious and, well, basically a wreck. Yet I see him trying so hard to keep it together. Let's just say he has disowned his "brother" and I have also disowned my "other son".
I am more angry than sad.
I've asked myself - was is worth it investing so much of my love, time, money, energy and constant encouragement into Anthony's life for the last two and a half years???? I would have to say NO. It was not. Because the times I believed in him, I always had a huge doubt inside because of his history. He has never been able to stay off drugs or our of prison/jail/juvenile hall.
I chose to look at his positive side but now I wonder - did he ever really care, did anything I say mattered or was I just a great person to have on his side because I was so kind and generous?
I insisted that if someone gave him a chance, some unconditional love, some hope - he could do it. He could overcome.
Well, go ahead and I say it, because I agree completely: I was naive, arrogant to think I would make a different, fooled, used, and mostly STUPID. I admit all this - its obvious and I KNEW BETTER but still forged ahead thinking the best of him.
I am just done with him completely and he is done with me too. He is mad at ME because of something I said to him related to who he used drugs with the other day. He is not a nice person, and sadly, I think it goes beyond his addiction. He grew up with parents that did drugs in front of him and were in and out of jail and I think the combination of his genetics and environment left him with some very serious issues.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
10 comments:
He is a typical addict. I told you in my last post that he reminded me of my daughter. They just take what they can from who they can and if you don't enable, they are done with you. Just like my sweet daughter. 3 years ago I cut all support to her and I have not heard a thing since. Yet daddy is back to enabling and guess where she hangs out. It is the addict mentality and we don't understand it, but we have to learn it and act accordingly. You are walking in my shoes, Barbara. My son has lost his sister too, like Keven is losing his brother. All you can do is accept it for what it is and learn your lesson. If you don't, it will start all over until you have learned it. Trust me, I have been there done that. It is no fun, but life goes on and you are coming out stronger on the other end.
Love, hope and peace,
Helga
Barbara, I think we all have to learn that we are powerless over addiction in our own ways. It usually takes something like this to show us. It is so hard...like a punch in the gut. You are such a sweet and caring person... that is never wrong or bad, but you need to apply some of that sweet caring to yourself today. I know you probably don't feel like it, but be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you know how to do everyday.
Amen to the above. Barbara, we try to find that "enabling recovery" nitch..... and sometimes we just can't. Sometimes people just are not at a point where they are done. It sounds like Anthony is not done yet. I pray that he gets to that point QUICKLY.
I started to say, before he can influence anyone else, but even my daughter will tell you, when you are done, you are done. Then it doesn't matter where you run into it (heroin), in the breakroom, on a street corner, or in the offering hand of a "friend", you are done. At that point, you stay clean, for YOU. Not your parents, not your girlfriend/boyfriend, for YOU. I am praying that Keven will stand strong right now. And I'm praying that you will as Annette said, be gentle with yourself today. You gave Anthony love, and hope and support. He's not ready.
Cutting all ties with him is probably necessary at this point. Or at least, as some parents/friends do, cutting all ties until he has made the choice to pursue recovery, and is in treatment or has significant clean time under his belt.
Don't kick yourself over this. You are an awesome mom/friend/woman and we're here for you and we care. A LOT!! (hug!)
Barbara, I know why you are frustrated, sad and angry; and I totally understand it. I don't want you to ever stop loving or caring about Anthony (or having hope), but I want for you to be able to do so at a distance so that you can protect yourself, your heart, your feelings; and at the same time, be there for Keven, as he continues his own journey.
Take care of yourself, my friend.
I am not saying anything against you - you are a good person, a caring person, a loving person. You showed him kindness and gave him support. You are not stupid, the forces against you are fighting hard. You've been strong for him for so long. He is in God's hand's and you have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed for all your goodness.
After your hurt subsides, hopefully you won't fully/permanently close your heart to him b/c sounds like you may be all he has. That being said, in the meanwhile, you don't deserve bad behavior/disrespect from him.
Only love & hugs to you!!!
You are kind and have a huge capacity to love...don't let him ruin it. You wouldn't be Barbara without those lovely qualities. We are all guilty of ignoring the bad and believing the best. It can be my biggest strength but also my biggest downfall but I don't think I would change it and I hope you don't either.
Barbara, you are not stupid and should never be ashamed of love nor hope, which are two wonderful things in this life. Addiction is not a wonderful thing, as you know so well, and it's given you a beating, through Anthony. I am so sorry, for you are someone who least deserves it. And yes, besides the physical predisposition to addiction, it would certainly seen that what Anthony has lived through as a young child hasn't been the foundation that Keven has had,sadly. However, a using addict is a very selfish being,insensitive to other's pain,and focused on their own wants and needs only...very ugly. So, who knows if Ant can actually progress to where he is a kind person,...but you don't have to help him. You have done enough and need to help yourself heal and have peace. I don't blame you one bit for saying that you've been burned enough. You can't leave yourself vulnerable to him now. I'm praying for you to have the pain subside, and for Keven's too. I only wish that you and others that are so kind and loving could erase the deep hurts and heal addiction, but as we all know,it's so powerful and Anthony needs to want that for himself. Where is his girlfriend in all of this? She must also be devastated. Please hang in there....we're all wishing you felt better.
If and when he ever surfaces from his addiction's grip, it will be the memory of your generousity, love, and faith in him that helps him to recover.
I hope Keven can see this as the painful growth experience it is, and use his support network and skills to deal with it in a new, healthier way. <3
It sounds like you are taking the right steps to take care of yourself. Keven is doing the same. Hope is a good thing but sometimes it is best to disengage from those who aren't honest with themselves or others. Take care.
Babs,
You know I read your blog, but I rarely post. I will just say this:
I always would cringe when you would refer to "ant". I just saw this coming a mile away. How in the world can you carry the emotional weight of two addicted people at one time? Your son's addiction is huge and very deep.
You need to just give your valuable energy to your son.
Post a Comment