UPDATE: He called and said everything was fine, etc. He seemed fine. He reminded me that its Family Group night (last one!) and that he is not going to "blow it" this close to his next step in recovery. I still feel sick, but a tiny bit better.
My mother's instinct is in overdrive and I feel like throwing up.
Today he and Anthony went to Anthony's parole appointment.
1) Why does Keven need to drive him? Anthony is responsible for himself
2) Why is Keven taking care of someone else's business when he has his own things to do today
3) Why do I feel like this?
Would they really use? Would they really throw it all away? Would Keven risk going back to jail, losing his families support and possibly living on the street? Would Anthony/Keven allow the other to fuck up so soon after committing to each other that they were going to support each other's sobriety?
I don't know the answers to these questions but they could easily be yes, yes, yes......
I texted him and said get home and leave him there you have an eye dr. appt. He text back ok. We'll see what happens.
Dear Parents that are New to This,
I used to hate reading blog posts like the one I just wrote. I felt so hopeless like this awful lifestyle never ends. Eventually I accepted that it may not end as soon as I'd like. If your child has not relapsed yet, they may be one of the very rare exceptions. Its part of recovery - relapsing happens.
I hope with all my heart that my gut feelings are wrong and that Keven and Anthony are just enjoying each other's company.
I feel like cussing, crying and curling up in a ball. I will update later when I know whats going on.
QUESTION: Do you think its common for someone to relapse when they are getting close to a milestone, in this case moving to sober living? It seems like a way of putting a hold on life rather than facing the unknown or the fear of moving forward.
PLEASE let me be wrong....please, please, please
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
6 comments:
Girlfriend, I am sorry for your pain.... BUT you have got to step back and let them be. If they want to use, they will. You cannot apply your standards to them... If you were so close to the goal, you would not quit. However, you are not them and you are not a drug addict. Please take care of yourself. You cannot monitor them 24/7 and drive yourself crazy. Please go see a counselor, go to Alanon, go out with a friend, but do something to get your mind off these boys. They are two peas in a pod. They either going to make it or they are going to use. They maybe each other's enablers or they may be each other's best support system. Whatever it is, you cannot control them, beat sense into them, or do anything else but take care of yourself.
Love, peace and hope, dear friend.
Dearest Barbara...You are a wise mother. Yes, relapse is part of the recovery process. I ache to think how much i disappointed my parents each time I relapsed, and I am thankful I lived far from them for most of my addiction, and they really have no idea just how bad it did get. I think this sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is how it will be for a while. It took my parents a long time to trust me again. Please do not let that feeling overcome you, and I know that is easier said than done. But, you, as much as Keven and Anthony must accept the things you cannot change. And you cannot change that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, at least not right now. But, do not dwell on it. Let that feeling put your guard up, and when you feel that way...you better keep your eyes peeled for signs, but do not let it take over your life. Do not let that feeling fester in your head because it is worry you do not need. Accept you cannot change that feeling right now...and let the panic and heartache go. I really do believe that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes we just have to let go and trust the Universe.
As for relapsing at a milestone...relapse can happen anytime, for any reason. There is no rules for any of it, and addiction is a disease of the mind as well as the body, so the symptoms and progression, and regression of the disease are different for each and every addict. There is no rhyme or reason, so it is pointless to try and give it some. I really hope that your two sons will come to support each other in recovery, and one day...you will not have to worry at all when they hang out.
I just posted an article from our local paper on my blog. It is about a local police chief whose daughter died of an overdose, surrounded by a suspicious situation. My heart really goes out to this man, as a parent of an addict. I thought about how my parents would feel if it was me who died in those shoes. I also thought about how you would feel if that was your son. And how Dad and Mom would feel if it was their son. And about all the parents who have lost a child to addiction. I am so lucky to be alive. I am so thankful I, at least, did not put my parents through that. You are lucky Keven is alive, and he is being given another chance...at life. I will say, I think this father in the article may be in a little denial about his daughters involvement with drugs. I think he would like to think she was not in that deep, but let's face it...if you OD from heroin and coke shot intravenously...you were in deep. None the less, my heart goes out to him, and I really wish he could read your blog, many of the parent's blogs to feel like he is not alone. I bet he feels so alone when it comes to being a parent of a child with substance abuse problems. Only he has lost his child. It really got me thinking about how lucky I am. How lucky we all are to have addicts that are still alive.
I am here for you if you need me.
Much Love...T
Oh Barbara,...I am praying here,...I KNOW that awful sick feeling. You are not necessarily right,...you know that. And, if they do use, you know that you'll know it fairly soon after,..it just reveals itself. I freaking HATE how we get "triggered" ourselves by something small that may be a benign event, & feel panicked,sick,angry etc....it's unfair,that's for sure. And I also know we're supposed to let go and let God, and detach,...yada yada yada,..but man,that's way easier said than done. But I DO believe that's possible too. Please let us know what happens,...and yes, you deserve PEACE, so if you can do any of that which is recommended above for yourself...do so. Sending you a huge cyber hug.
Lori
Even when he is well established in his recovery there will be times that you suspect him that turn out to be unfounded.
You are in a bad place but you will move through it soon. You do not have to guess. Addiction does indeed make itself undeniable.
Barbara, I so agree with the comments that it doesn't do any good to work yourself into a frenzy over Keven and Anthony. No one can control what they are going to do. I hope that you will be able to realize that you have done all that you can. You didn't cause any of this but you can't control what happens to them either. Every time there is doubt you are torn apart. I wish that you could find peace within and realize that what they do is not up to you.
Barbara,
It's all easier said than done. But just like you know, take care and control yourself, that is the limit to yor sphere of infuence.
It's time to review yoour boundaries and decide how you are going to live your life. Where are the lines. K and A may agin use or they may not but the way you live cannot be dictated by their behavior and what they do. Make it clear to yourself that you cannot and will not live with the ongoing drama of an active addict. Think about what that is like and draw a picture in your mind. Decide where you will go and where you won't. When it becomes clear to you then tell K and A about the path you have chosen.
Make it clear to them also they must each choose their own path. Even if they are together each of them must walk their own path because they can no much control each other as you can control them.
Good Luck, you were strong while they were away, pull that strength back out and be strong again.
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