I feel sad and stressed today. I think the sad has to do with Keven (just an overall thing - nothing specific) and the stress is because I have a DATE Monday night. Me, a date. I have not felt like dating for a very long time, in fact, I still don't feel like dating. But this guy seems too good to pass up on meeting so I will do my best not to be stressed and just get it over with. Who knows, maybe we will like each other. It just doesn't appeal to me right now.
And...how do you reply when you get around to talking about y our kids and he says "so tell me about your son"? I haven't dated since all this shit happened. I had a boyfriend for the first year of it and he was supportive, but haven't felt like dating since that ended.
In other news:
Anthony got pulled over and harassed yesterday. The cops in our city know him and pulled him over (he was not driving, a female friend was and they pulled her over for not having a front licence plate - that's BS, I didn't have one for 11 years and never got pulled over). When they stopped her, they went to the passenger side, guns drawn and made Anthony get out of the car, and put him in the back of their call and called a bunch of back-up. He told them he was sober now but they proceeded to rip this poor girl's car apart and found nothing. He thinks they are mad because they had been searching for him for a month when he had a warrant, but Huntington Beach made the arrest. In any case, he said it was the first time he sat in a cop car with a smile on his face knowing there was NOTHING that could happen to him.
Keven. Ugh. I don't know. I like the place he's at, they called me today about something and said he was doing good, but he tried to get away with something already. Part of me wonders why we even gave him this chance? He was just such a mess after all that bath salt crap.
Kelly (Keven's good friend) called me today to tell me her parents took her to the Dr. to get on Suboxone and she's going to clean up. We had a nice talk. I can tell she's still hurt that I am close to Anthony because she doesn't believe he's changed. I hope she does well, she's such an amazing young lady (but aren't most addicts? they are our children, neighbors, friends....some of them ARE US, good people with a bad disease).
I'm kinda feeling down. It must be the date thing, right? I will tell you all details after it happens. I don't even want to talk about it yet. I'm hoping he cancels. What is WRONG with me? I guess I just don't have the confidence I used to.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
16 comments:
Barbara~ Regarding Keven at the Treatment Center - yeah, my son tested the boundaries every chance he got. It's actually good to know they caught him on something already. Now he knows he can't get away with much.
Re: Anthony - excellent!! I love that he was able to know there was nothing hanging over his head.
Re: you and THE date - Be yourself because you are a wonderful person to know. I would hold back on the addiction issue just yet. It's TMI for a new friend AND gives you a reason to talk about your other interests.
Re: you feeling down - We all get in a funk some days. OR Is it because you have been telling yourself you will rest as soon as everything is taken care of? It's exhausting just reading all you've gone through lately.
Barbara:
I'll start with the date. It is just a chance to go to dinner with an adult and talk about other things. If you don't want to talk about Keven (and there is no reason to...it's a first date), ask questions and listen. Relax and enjoy. Quit beating yourself up. You are allowed to have a good time and relax.
With regard to Anthony, he has earned the right to be hassled by the cops...sorry. If he stays clean and does nothing wrong, the police will eventually move on. But for now, this is an outcome of his years of choices.
With regard to Keven, I wish they would stop calling you. He is an adult and no one at the facility should be checking in with you about anything (except payment if you are paying). He needs to be left alone to make this work and you really need to let it go now.
You know I love you and I respect your loving, caring heart. You need to start being kinder to yourself. You have more than earned it!
Dee, thanks for the nice things you said. I think you're right, I've been telling myself I can rest soon...I always do that. I really think I have PMS - that's what this mood thing today feels like.
Lisa, you're right. I agree about Anthony and I even joked with him about it saying that the chaos from his past isn't going to go away just cause he got clean. I don't even want to know what Keven is up to or hear from him either (they are allowed to have phones!). I'm just sick of it all. And I do need to be kinder to myself. I think I have PMS as stated above. I wish I could just leave here and go home to be with my dog! How's Whitney?
Jeez, another example of cops being just a TAD hardline. Creepy. But like Lisa said, he's sorta earned the attention, hasn't he.
Maybe you're just plain nervous or scared about the date. I don't blame you for not wanting to date - it's such a horribly vulnerable and weird thing to do (well, if you're uber sensitive and think too hard about stuff. Oh, to be carefree!)
Ok, I'll chime in. You have been through so much with Keven lately, that it has affected your self esteem and your whole being. You do not have the disease of addiction, Keven does. I think you are identifying too much with that. It will be good for you to just be yourself and forget that ball and chain you are dragging around with you. Enjoy the date just for what it is: an opportunity to meet someone new, dress up a bit (or not) and have a nice meal and a conversation without any expections. Enjoy the company. Forget Keven and addiction for a few hours and relax. It will do you good. Love, peace and joy!
I agree with Helga. I really hope you can enjoy your date. Ya never know what can transpire from it. : )
This is a new experience for my family. I just learned my 19 year old son has been smoking heroin. In all honesty the signs were there I just didn't see it or maybe didn't want to acknowledge it. When we talked to my son he exploded. Later that night he overdosed on sleeping pills. Thankfully he survived that and spent the past 2 days undergoing a psch evaluation. He was just moved to a detox unit at another hospital. His attitude is good and says he really wants to get clean and to stay that way. I know he and our family have a difficult path in front of us. I don't think I have ever been as frightened as I am at this point
Bar
Just think of it as meeting another adult for conversation and nothing more. When he asks about the kid, just say " what about you...". Just change the subject.
You need a full Keven break. Tell the center not to call you for the first two weeks. Tell Keven the same and for him not to leave you any messages. I know its hard but girl, you deserve a life!
Love you!
Barbara, I'm glad that you are doing something normal that doesn't involve Keven or Anthony. Having become so enmeshed in their lives, it's high time that you do something for yourself. I don't read anything on your blog about your life. Once in a while you share about a concert but mostly everything is about Keven or Ant. So I am glad that you are doing something else. There is so much more to life than addiction. I hope that you will start enjoying it.
Do you ever go Goodwill/Salvation Army stores? I love to browse around there and find bargains. Maybe you could find a revealing top there for the date..you have a great figure;) Just sayin!
Honey, you do have a big pile of ccrap on your plate! Don't forget about yourself. Have fun on the date- it can go anywhere or nowhere!!
oxox
Thanks everyone!
And Lou - I like your thinking :) I love shopping at those places (because I can afford it and its fun)
I think that Ann and I dated for 6 weeks before I was comfortable sharing my son's drug problem with her. I remember that I started crying when I talked about it.
I guess what I am saying is that sharing this kind of stuff requires us to be comfortable in a relationship that is built on friendship.
So have a great meal with a new friend that just happens to be a man.
Debbie, I am going to mention you in a post, I hope you don't mind.
Barbara, go on the date and enjoy yourself! You deserve some time for yourself and adult conversation that is not about Keven. Living life with an addict is often a roller coaster of emotions. **sigh** Thift shopping is the best!! My daughter buys alot of her clothes and her daughters that way.
SoberBook.com is a safe, anonymous place where ALL people can tell their stories without having to attach a name or face to the words. It is here that you will see chapters about finding recovery, overcoming obstacles, mending relationships, achieving happiness, following dreams, and much more. The goal for SoberBook.com is to create a community of support, camaraderie, and hope for the future.
Post a Comment