Another Heroin Death

One of Keven's close friends OD'd on Saturday.  He was found alone, dead, after shooting up heroin.

I have to write about this young man because I am very, very sad.  I don't know if this happens to other people, but my heart literally aches sometimes and that's how I feel today.

This morning I drove Keven to probation.  When he got back in the car he handed me an envelope that his PO had given him, it was some photos of Keven and Gilbert taken about a month ago at the NAMI walk (they both volunteered to help).  As I sat smiling at the great photos of these two handsome guys I heard Keven say "he's dead".  It was one of those moments that you just want to shake your head and say "no, I didn't hear those words, lets pretend you didn't say that....lets rewind and start over because he can't be dead...."

But he is dead.

The first time I met Gilbert was when Keven brought him home to spend the night, he had met him at Phoenix House and Gilbert had no where to go.  This was not unusual because Keven knows I let his friends stay here for a night or two when they need a roof over their heads.  I was a bit surprised because Gilbert was older (26) and had the obvious tattoos of a Mexican gang.  He didn't seem like a gang member - he was so polite, softspoken and friendly.  Apparently he got hooked on Oxy after an on-the-job injury which led to heroin use.  But at the time he and Keven were clean (this was before Keven's initial relapse so he had about 7 months clean at the time).

Gilbert came over several times after that and I also saw him at court a few times.  He ended up moving back in with his mom and four sisters in a two room apartment in Santa Ana.  His family loved Keven and had never had a white kid at their house before so they made a big deal out of serving him lots of good Mexican food.  Keven looked up to Gilbert.

The last time I saw him he was in a dress shirt and tie and looked like a young professional.  He was smiling and excited about a job interview he had that day.

What happens between moments like that and the moment they pick up again?  I don't know.

Gilbert has two young daughters, age 5 and 7.  Since he was part of Recovery Court they are planning to do a toy drive so that his children will have some gifts on Christmas.  The judge will announce it in court tomorrow.  I am sure there will be lots of tears, to know Gilbert was to love him.

This will be the second time in less than a week that I have sat in a room with a group of people and listened to an announcement that one of their peers/friends had OD'd.  The last time was Thursday night at Family Group at Cornerstone.  I didn't know the young man that people were crying over that night but it still upset me.  This time, it will be painful because I will share in the grief.

I sat in our car and cried after Keven told me.  He just sat and stared out the window.  I said "Aren't you upset?" and he said "You have to be prepared for this to happen when you live this lifestyle".  Well when he said that.... I LOST IT.

I WAS ANGRY!


I yelled at him and said "F____ this lifestyle!  You don't HAVE to have this f_____ing lifestyle!!!"  I'll spare you the rest of my rant but he hadn't seen or heard me go off like that in probably a year.  I let a lot out that needed out.

In a way maybe it was good for him to see me so heartbroken over someone that I didn't even know that well - he could probably imagine what I would be like if he died.  I don't think I could bear it.  I think my body would simply implode and I would crumble to the floor dead.

Everyone in  Recovery court loved Gilbert.  Its kind of interesting to notice that most of the heroin addicts are non-Hispanic.  The Mexicans are usually the ones selling the drugs, not getting addicted to them.  They fill the jails around here for violent crimes (gang related) and drug sales - but most of the addicts are the middle class white kids.  I could tell he was special to the Judge because she'd always call him Gilberto and pronounce it the right way....and his smile was killer.  He was just a doll.  A good son, a good father....he had left his gang life and was doing all the right things before he got hooked on damn opiates.

I hate opiates.  I hate them.  I can't believe another person is dead...and this time too close to home.  There was a third person who also died in the last few weeks so the word is out that there is some "bad shit" on the streets.  ITS ALL BAD SHIT!

I told Keven if he decides to have this lifestyle and use again to go far, far away because I can't take much more.

I was also denied unemployment today because I didn't make enough money in the last 6 months to qualify for it.  AND to top that off, I am paying $333.00 a month for Cobra to keep my health insurance but they have not been paying for my meds so I have to wean myself off Effexor because I can't afford it and its not a safe drug to take yourself off.  But I am not going to borrow any more money from my family and I don't see another choice because I am not paying over $200 for a months supply of it.

This has been a terrible day.

Oh and to top all that off, it was 35 years ago today that my father died.

I hate this day.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara