The only time I feel assured that Keven has no access to drugs is when he's in the county jail. This is not true of our state prisons, but its very hard to sneak anything into the county jail and much easier to get caught.
Right now he's out shopping for himself for clothes, his birthday gift from us. We have him cash. Hard, cold cash. We wondered if it was a wise choice but then realized if he wants to use, he will use. He doesn't need our money to get high. He does however really want some new jeans. I think he will be okay.
Last week one of the residents at his rehab who was recently graduated died of an OD. Last night Keven's closest roommate decided to take off and leave the program because he wanted drugs more than recovery.
Anthony is in prison trying to say no to drugs and will be out in a month.
There is not safe place to go. No new city, environment or situation that is going to stop an addict from using IF HE/SHE WANT TO USE. They will find a way.
So here I sit, thinking about my boy turning 20 in a few days. I never imagined this kind of life for him. The depression, the constant battle with the desire to use, the feelings of no hope for the future. Its very sad.
I've learned to separate myself as much as possible. I've thought about worst case scenarios. I know this could be going on for many more years.
All we can do is live one day at a time. I feel very non-emotional today. Kind of empty. I love him more than anything but I feel like I don't really know him. He's not the little boy I raised that laughed and played and talked my ears off. He's distant and polite. His eyes look dull. He's quiet. He's not high, but he's not happy either. I hope he finds peace someday
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
5 comments:
Barbara, I could have written your post! I so often feel the same way about my son. Yes, he has been clean for a year, but he doesn't seem happy (especially since they moved him from Tahoe to Watsonville...his own fault...he got involved with a female student). He's just surviving and at 22, it seems like he should be so excited about life and his opportunities and I don't see that in him at all. It is troubling.
And as far as giving him cash...I also came to the same conclusion. If he wants to use, he will use, whether I give him cash or not. It's all very sad.
I continue to have hope for Bryan, and for Keven and for Alex and for all of our sons and daughters that struggle with addiction and struggle with recovery. And I continue to feel so much love and pain in my heart for all the parents.
Knowing that I only have this one day has helped me to cope with many things.
This post made me cry. I am sure my mother felt the exact same way about me at one time. I remember one time when I came back home for a couple of weeks when I was sick from both withdrawal and anxiety from post traumatic stress...my parents were at their wits end with me. My mom had a dream that I was a little girl again, and I was dancing around because I was finally well. It broke my heart. It was symbolic, and haunting. I still think about that dream of hers now that I am better. And I will never be that little kid I once was...but I am finally embarking on all the dreams I once had. Granted those dreams have been slightly altered through my experiences with addiction, but I am finally happy with the person I am today. And I would not be this person without all my trials and tribulations in the past. Would I change it? I don't know. But, I do know I finally do not want to change the person I am now. What doesn't kill us...will only make us stronger. Hang in there.
Lisa, I hope that our sons find peace and joy and purpose (hey I hope that for myself too come to think of it!).
Syd, yep, I agree.
Lemon, I just read your comment on Ron's blog and its so distressing to know that its the same all over our country. Thank you for your comments and for caring about us!
Barbara, I just found you on here again. I thought you had quit this blog. I am so glad you have decided to continue to write. I understand your feelings. I wish I had the guts to put mine out there. Hang in there. Love, peace and happiness. Helga
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