Disclaimer about this post:
My head knows that blaming is wrong. This post is written from my heart, not my head. Its an expression of what I feel not of what I believe to be the correct way to look at the situation.
Facts:
In January Keven had four months clean, was working his recovery program and diligently looking for a job. He had hope. He was finally heading in the right direction.
In January Kelly had eight months clean, was working her recovery program, had a full time job. She was happy, healthy and had everything going for her.
Then Anthony got out of prison.
In less than a month Keven had used with him, gone to jail, then ended up in the mental hospital, now he's back in jail and is going to most likely get kicked out of his court program and face prison.
In less than a month Kelly started using again. He dumped her for a girl who could provide him a place to live and a car. Today Kelly OD'd and is in the hospital. Once she's stable they are putting her on a 5150 hold for 72 hours. After that - she has no where to go because her parents are done with her.
And I'm not allowed to blame Anthony because it was K and K's choices to use with him. But what if he never came back here? Is it just a coincidence that their lives are f'd up now? I think not.
I wish he were still in prison where he belongs.
15 comments:
Trying to stay clean/sober and hanging around old associates who used/drank is something that doesn't work. Having Anthony around was inviting so much temptation for those who were too fragile to deal with it. I do agree with you that it was their choice to use. If not Anthony, then it might have been someone else. When they are ready to truly stop and find another solution to their pain, then it won't matter who they encounter.
Yep, what Syd said.
I always play the "if so and so wasn't around this wouldn't have happened" song in my head to help me sleep at night. Unfortunately I have learned that when they are in TRUE recovery, it doesn't matter who they are with.
Where drug addiction is involved, there is no WORSE person or WORSE addiction. Their addictions are all one big pile of SUCK!
Somehow blaming someone else takes the sting off the reality. I have been there before. I think its a coping mechanism to deal with a really intensely painful situation. Look anywhere but at the truth.
The truth is that my child had been taught from an early age that drugs and alcohol were bad news, caused drama and chaos in people's lives, *ruined* lives...yet while out with friends she *chose* to begin using regardless of our warnings and for her it quickly spiraled out of control.
The truth is that we all have choices. K and K made theirs. H made her's.
I am praying for K. :o(
I am not blaming Ant, I know K & K made their choices. It made me feel better to write this. I had to get it out. When I heard that Kelly had OD'd yesterday I lost it.
I do believe with all my heart, 100% no doubt, that they would both be better off today if he had not come back into our lives.
I love Anthony. I still talk to him often.
Annette - you're right. I want to deny this. I want to put the blame somewhere because its so much less painful.
My head knows its not Anthony's fault, but my heart is hurt and is looking for a way to feel better.
I'm an alcoholic. I have to be around people who drink. Often it is part of my job other times it is because they are people I care about. Some of them drink often and badly. Some of them would like it if I drank with them. It would make them more comfortable.
I can't drink. I have to be around them but I can't drink. I also can't feel self-pity about the situation. I can't whine and moan.
The world is full of alcohol. And, the world is full of reasons to drink, if I want the world to be that way.
I don't want to drink and so, there is no reason good enough and no situation bad enough to make me drink.
If there were a person who I felt put my sobriety at risk, I would choose not to be around that person. If I knew that they put my sobriety at risk and I chose to be around them then I would be making a choice, wouldn't I?
It's so much easier to blame someone else but its not helpful. Your son is responsible for his sobriety. All the time. So is Kelly. That's just the rule. For you to give that power to someone else is to undo all of your son's hard work. This is an unpleasant lesson for him, and a hard one with hard consequences, but, now he has learned it.
Don't be around people who are using if you aren't sure of your own ability to deal with it.
Jackie
Jackie, thank you. I appreciate your what you said and agree with you. For the record - I would never say anything like what I posted here to my son or anyone else. I know better. This was more of my way of venting because even though I KNOW better, I am still angry and disappointed.
I knew I would get a lot of people telling me not to blame Ant and was prepared for that. I feel so much better after writing it and reading the responses. I just hope no one thinks I think its okay to blame others. I guess I should be careful about venting in public. I appreciate your comment.
Blogger ate my comment twice and did not post it. Perhaps it's not meant to be posted!
I will email you! Love, hugs and prayers!
I surely understand your blaming Anthony, even though you know you shouldn't. I've been there, with all the what ifs, Son2 shouldn't have hung out with so and so, or it was that job, or it was his cousin's influence, etc, etc, etc. It's natural to try to find a reason, I mean if you can somehow explain it, then maybe you can stop it from happening again.
I'm so sorry this is going so badly right now. Stay strong. Thinking of you...
"For you to give that power to someone else is to undo all of your son's hard work."
I love this from Jackie's comment.
Anthony should have distanced himself from them if he knew he was going to use. They should have done the same but there you go. ONe of the main problems is that all of their friends are users and someone is always relapsing.
This reminds me of my post where I tried to beat up that guy who originally started B smoking Oxi and then was kind enough to get him H oh and then this nice young man hooked him up with a dealer so that he could be a runner for the Guy and get paid in drugs.
I am with you, the what if he never met that ass? I can't help how I feel it is what it is. But when B relapsed the truth is it had nothing to do with that guy. He relapsed prior to seeing him.
Like Anna said they HAVE to stop being around their friends that use. I keep telling him that he will encounter the same people at the same playground HE needs to make the decision to stop.
I hope both our kids "get it" soon. The fact that he had so much clean time is just sad. B has yet to go over 30 days of H but did smoke weed during that time while in rehab.
Never got why Ant was around to begin with. Choices were made. You bring a using addict around someone in a fragile state of recovery, the end result is sad if not surprising at the same time.
Even though you feel you would never say what you said around the people involved. Was putting it out on a blog that many read a good idea? I disagree.
Anthony must be very charismatic. I remember being drawn to so many people like him when I was closer to my addiction. We often encounter these daring, dramatic, and charismatic people...and as addicts, we can be attracted to all that, even drawn into it, if you will. Now, I look back at some of those people I really admired, or was really drawn to, or that I believed I could help...and now, I am able to see them for what they really were. And that does not really mean that I see them as bad now, but I do see them as someone who I no longer admire, and someone who will only bring me down...and most often, these types of people turn out to be out for themselves only. Not always because they are just plain selfish, but more often because they really do not know anything different. Anthony has probably had to fend for himself for much of his life, and that alone can make someone quite selfish. Such a tangled web...
Barbara-
I think people should write what they think on their blogs. It's really helpful.
I am a year into recovery and I don't read many addict blogs. I know (mostly) what addicts think. It helps me to read what people who have been/are being hurt by others using drugs and alcohol. It helps me see what they feel.
And, I'm the mother of three children. I know the desire to blame someone else for our kids. I've had that feeling.
Keep writing honestly.
Jackie
Thanks again to all of you who commented. Special thanks to Jackie, I appreciate you and can tell you are a sensitive and strong person, a good combination.
BMelon - you are SO RIGHT about Anthony. Just about everyone who meets him, whether male, female young or old, is immediately drawn to him. He is definitely one of those types.
Anon, Yep, it was a bad idea to have Anthony around K and K. I admit that. Who are you? I'm curious.
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