March 28, 2011

What Happened

I still don't feel like talking about what happened, which is unusual for me since I obviously am very open on this blog.  But I want to share, its not shocking or anything out of the ordinary for an addict, it just hurts me deeply this time so its hard to talk about.  It hurts because its a sign of how far he still has to go, and that scares me.  How much of his life is going to be lost to this disease?  When will it be under control to the point that he can work, socialize, and enjoy life?

Here is what happened...when we were in court last week (Tuesday) the judge found out he got a ticket while driving his car.  He has a valid licence and is legally allowed to drive, but she had not given him permission to drive.  I was not clear on this - it seemed kind of nebulous to me.  In my mind he was not allowed to have a car while in Cornerstone, but that didn't mean he was not allowed to drive ever.  ANYHOW the point is, she was pissed off.  Again.  He had come to court feeling really good that day because Cornerstone had written a report for his file about what a help he had been to them with some new guys who had a bad attitude (they listened to Keven but weren't willing to listen to the staff).  So he thought he was going to get positive comments from the judge, and got the opposite.

When he went into probation on Thursday his PO told him to come back in the morning on Friday and turn himself in because he needed to spend the weekend in jail for driving the car.  Keven had done this before with  no problem.  Overnights and weekends or even weeks in jail are familiar to him and he accepts that as part of the program he's in, when you mess up you spend some time locked up.

But this time, he was feeling very defeated.  He felt like he could not possibly get through this program (he still has 18 months more to go with the court program, but would have been out of Cornerstone in 2 more weeks).  He decided the option was to run away and was seriously going to do it.  I talked him out of that by reminding him I could take anything he did - except run.  I've told him that a million times.  Running from your problems is NEVER the right solution, it always makes them worse in the long run.

So, he decided that if he was going to spend the weekend in jail, he'd get high first.  He hadn't even tried to buy anything yet, but was walking on a street in Santa Ana and the police stopped him for looking suspicious.  (young white guy in an area known for drugs - legitimate reason to stop him).  He immediately told the cops he was on probation (they are required by law to do so) and they immediately handcuffed him and took him in.

I have no idea what the charges are.  He dropped the money so all he had on him was a lime.  To me that was evidence enough.  Why would you walk around with a lime in your pocket unless you were going to use it to dissolve heroin (it works faster than water...or something like that).

So not only did he violate probation but he picked up a new charge.  We think he will be kicked out of Recovery Court which means he will have to serve time for his original offense (felony possession charge) which equals 16 months in prison minus time served, for him it would be 11 months minus 2/3 time (due to overcrowded prisons/jails, CA  has 2/3 time served).

We will retain our wonderful attorney one last time to try and get the judge to agree to jail time versus prison time.  Some people don't know the difference between jail and prison, maybe I'll write about that in the next post.

Thanks for caring about my son and me.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara


DDD said...

Barbara... I'm sorry to hear about this setback. I continue to pray for you and Keven and will send every positive vibe in my body your way. Stay strong. You are doing a wonderful job. Just thought you should know that.

kc bob said...

Just sending you a virtual hug today and asking God to help you and Keven.

BMelonsLemonade said...

It is so hard in the beginning. When things go wrong, it just seems so hopeless. It seems like it will never get better, and then we think...what the f*#k. And we think about using. It is so easy to feel defeated in the beginning, we think we have moved milestones by getting clean, but the rest of the world does not see all that. It seems like the rest of the world only sees the small little slip ups, failing to recognize what we see as the big stuff. It feels hopeless when it is like this. It feels like it is not really worth it. And to top it all off, most addicts are really quite sensitive people, so it all hurts our feelings too. Defeated, hopeless, and thinking about dope...never a good combination in early recovery. Of course, we will one day realize that the world itself can be hopeless and defeating...and we need to learn to deal with those feelings rather than just use. It is easier to throw our hands up in the air, and just get a little relief. It is only after we do what we know best for coping that we regret it. It is all a learning process. And it takes some mistakes to learn. Unfortunate as all this is, I think Keven sounds like he is in a better place than he was before. I hope he can somehow continue his treatment because it seems to be making a difference. Sometimes, it feels like the court system really does not care about rehabilitation, just as long as they get their money. And it is more than obvious that the judges do not often understand the nature of this disease of addiction. I am sorry, Barb. Both of you...hang in there.

Donnav said...

O Barbara, I'm So sorry. Sure hated to read this post. I'm wishing we lived close enough so that I could come hang out with you. Love you!

Erin said...

It sounds like a mess. I'm sorry this has happened again.

Wise words from a friend of mine: "Don't worry about what hasn't happened yet." It may seem minimalistic, but it's some of the best advice I've ever received.

I don't mean you should pretend there isn't a problem...just wait and see what happens next. Maybe he'll get lucky and get another chance.

As always, I love you and am here for you. But sometimes I wish I was THERE for you. :)

Syd said...

Hoping for the best again. I wish that things were different.

Tori said...

Oh Barbara he is still so young. My son is also 20 but I know due to drugs he is far younger and that is something my son would have done. I can't remember how long Keven has sober but thank goodness he hadn't used yet.I am not sure what recovery court is or what cornerstone is so I will have to read some of your older blogs.

I hope this doesn't sound offensive but maybe if he would have used something that night OR had bought something and then they stopped him it would have been far worse.

I completely agree with you on the jail vs. prison. I do not want my son to go to Prison - jail I can handle barely but Prison??? I would fight like hell to prevent that too.

Barbara hang in there I am so sorry both of you have to go through this.

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