EMDR Is Working

Keven seems to be doing much better the last couple of weeks. I can tell that his therapist is helping him a lot. She's doing some intense work with him which includes "EMDR" and I can tell he's less anxious and moody and he's shown interest in working out again (that used to be his obsession and he totally let it go this summer).

I don't press for info but he will tell me bits and pieces of what they talk about. I feel confident saying that my son is NOT mentally ill. No more than I am, or most people are. Yes, he's damaged, he has issues that plague him, but I don't think he's mentally ill.

I believe his drug use is directly related to a lot of the stuff he's had pushed down inside him for years. Unfortunately with heroin, the drug takes over and the old problems become minor compared to what the addiction does to your life.

I have hope for Keven. I have a good feeling about the direction he's heading right now. Of course I could be wrong (have been many times before) but for today I am going to enjoy feeling this way and keep my attitude positive.

In the midst of it all, I know many parents are struggling, worried, confused, hurting...I was there for a long time. I still go there when things get dark. But there can be, and hopefully will be, light at the end of the tunnel. Never give up hope.

What is EMDR? Someone asked so here is what I copied from Kev's therapist's site:

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) for Trauma

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR, is a powerful new psychotherapy technique which has been very successful in helping people who suffer from trauma, anxiety, panic, disturbing memories, post traumatic stress and many other emotional problems. Until recently, these conditions were difficult and time-consuming to treat. EMDR is considered a breakthrough therapy because of its simplicity and the fact that it can bring quick and lasting relief for most types of emotional distress.

EMDR is the most effective and rapid method for healing PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as shown by extensive scientific research studies.

The EMDR therapy uses bilateral stimulation, right/left eye movement, or tactile stimulation, which repeatly activates the opposite sides of the brain, releasing emotional experiences that are "trapped" in the nervous system. This assists the neurophysiological system, the basis of the mind/body connection, to free itself of blockages and reconnect itself.

As troubling images and feelings are processed by the brain via the eye-movement patterns of EMDR, resolution of the issues and a more peaceful state are achieved.

Many of my clients are Child Sexual Abuse surviviors who struggle in their current relationships as a result of the sexual abuse experienced earlier in life. I also treat many of the underlying issues that are seen in addictions as the individual attempts to block traumatic memories. Any types of abuse and trauma are candidates for this type of therapy.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Stevie Ray Vaughan, More than "one of the greatest guitar players ever to live"

Today marks the 20th anniversary of his death. I wrote about it on my music blog, but its just as appropriate to mention Stevie Ray here at Recovery Happens.

Stevie Ray grew up in an alcoholic home. His father was a heavy drinker and a "mean drunk". Stevie started drinking at an early age. Of course, his passion was music and the guitar. He worked hard as a musician for years until finally in 1983 he recorded "Texas Flood" and became known as the "greatest electric blues guitarist".

But...the drinking and the drugs eventually got so bad that he knew he couldn't continue on with his music career. He put it all away and went into recovery, immersing himself in AA. He OVERCAME the odds. HE RECOVERED.

Stevie Ray took the 12 Steps literally and they were a way of life for him. He shared his story often and if you want, you can go to youtube and listen to talk he gave at a meeting (its in three parts).

So, I want to take a step back today and acknowledge the man I LOVED for his music and learned to appreciate later for his dedication to sharing the message of recovery with other addicts.


BTW - I met him once and to this day of all the famous people I've met, that was the only one that felt like an honor!


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Incarceration of the Mind

Got a call from Anthony this morning, he sounded so cheerful and happy.  It made me contrast the fact that he's finding peace in prison while Keven continues to be tormented by excessive anxiety out here in "the real world".

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Overwhelmed & Quick Update & Refill of Oxy for me!

I've had to take a step back from commenting on all your blogs because I feel overwhelmed.  One of the downsides of being the type of person who genuinely cares about others (as most of you know from personal experience) is finding a balance of being caring and supportive and yet not letting it get to you to the point of feeling stressed out.

I was feeling stressed out.  I was unemployed for a year and had all the time in the world to keep up with the people I've grown to care about deeply via blogging.  Now I work full time and don't get home till 7pm each evening.  I have so much LESS TIME for "life".

So, please know that I am here, that I care, I just don't have the time I used to have.

Update on Keven, Kelly and Anthony:

Keven is doing "okay" at the moment.  The drug patch he's wearing is wonderful, it keeps him from even thinking about drugs because he knows its a one way ticket to jail.  I love that!  Unfortunately his anxiety level is high and keeps him from sleeping.  He looks very tired.  He's making progress in therapy and his psych. is trying to wean him off two of his meds (thankfully!).

Anthony has been quiet this week but I assume no news is good news.  Kelly is going good, working six days a week and being trained as a dog groomer (good job for her she is like a young "Dog Whisperer".

As for me --- I've been kind of depressed, partly because I injured my back and got out of my workout routine for a week and am kind of nervous about re-injuring it.

OH THAT REMINDS ME!  This TICKS ME OFF!  Last year my back was so painful I could not move (literally) and got an RX of Oxycodone to ease the pain and allow me to heal.  Since I'm not an addict this was fine, I used it as intended and had leftovers once my back healed (I flushed them when Keven got out of rehab).  So the other day in total pain I call the doctor that gave them to me (who doesn't really know me and hasn't seen me in over a year) and got him to fax in an RX for them to my pharmacy for a refill !!!!!  It was THAT EASY and I paid $5 for a bottle of 60!

So far I've taken 1.5 (three halves) and have them hidden away in case I need them again.  But the point is - how damn easy was that?  How does he know I am not an addict?  Addict come in all shapes, sizes, types, ages, etc. etc.  It kind of irritated me that he assumed it was cool to do this.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Blah

One reason I know that anti-depressants do work for some people is that they work for me. I was trying to save money so was using up some old Welbutrin that was half the dose I take now and within days I was crying and feeling like crap (still feel it but got a new RX to start tomorrow). Once I quit taking it for a month and had planned to kill myself on New Year's Eve. Lovely. I hate having to take drugs to be normal, but in my case, I guess it does help.

Keven seems to be doing really well. But tonight he was with some guy I had never met before and the vibe I got spelled T-R-O-U-B-L-E. I tell myself "well if he gets in trouble so be it" but the bottom line is that I will always worry that he's going to end up dead by making some bad choice. Jail I can handle, dead - I don't think so.

I feel blah. I feel angry and disappointed and frustrated with life. I am in really bad mood. I feel like I"m working so hard in so many areas - for what? What's the frigging point? I am going to start watching mindless TV, I finally get the value in it. It helps you to not think.

Sorry this is so depressing. I just don't give a crap about much at the moment.

Peace, Hope and Love,Barbara

Check Out My Other Blog Today:

I wrote this last year, a few days before Keven got arrested and put in jail for three months (a lifesaving event!).

I read it now and see that I have changed and learned a lot. A year ago there was still a bit of naiveté, a bit of defensiveness perhaps? But I still stand by what I wrote then.

Sigh.

I do have a bit of an update on him: He was promoted to Phase III of his program which means one less day of probation a week and a later curfew (11 pm instead of 10) AND the thing I really like: he has to wear a drug patch now. Love those drug patches!!! You can't fake a patch and if it "accidentally comes off" you automatically get counted as "dirty".

Anyhow, here's the post form my other blog. Its long, if you don't read it at least scroll down to see how cute he was when he was a little kid :)

I apologize for not being around your blogs as much....working till 6 pm and then having an hour drive home has really put a dent in my free time, but I love my job :) I still read, I just don't comment as often.

Anger

Keven is so full of anger.  There are only two options for dealing with the unhealthy need to express it:  explode or implode.  He's been doing both.  

He's in therapy, I am paying big bucks for this new therapist.  I want her to help him get below the surface and deal with what's causing him to be so full of anger, hate, fear, guilt, pain...

I know I can't fix him, but as his mother I have to do what I can to lead him to HELP that can hopefully fix him.  

Its very clear to me that the addiction is the main problem but the secondary issue.  I am pretty sure his new drug of choice is alcohol which is so dangerous for him.  

This makes sense to me:  (from Psychology Today)

"Two factors go into the formulation of anger: current vulnerability and magnitude of the perceived threat. Relatively little threat will cause anger when vulnerability is elevated, for example when physical resources are low - you're tired, hungry, sick, injured, depressed, anxious, stressed - or when self-doubt is high, making you more easily insulted.

Problem anger (that which leads you to act against your long-term best interests) is caused by high vulnerability. It is the most self-revealing of emotional states, pointing directly to a powerful cause of vulnerability: a sudden drop in core value.

You experience a state of core value when you think and behave in accordance with the most important things to and about you. It includes a sense of authenticity (you feel genuine) and self-regard, which, together, lower self-doubt and vulnerability to threat. 

For instance, if it is important to you to be fair in your dealings with others, you will regard yourself well as long as you are fair, and feel guilt and shame when you are not. If you use the guilt and shame as a motivation to be true to your core value, i.e., to behave more fairly, your self-regard will instantly improve; you will act with conviction and not need anger for defense."

Anger

Two factors go into the formulation of anger: current vulnerability and magnitude of the perceived threat. Relatively little threat will cause anger when vulnerability is elevated, for example when physical resources are low - you're tired, hungry, sick, injured, depressed, anxious, stressed - or when self-doubt is high, making you more easily insulted.

Problem anger (that which leads you to act against your long-term best interests) is caused by high vulnerability. It is the most self-revealing of emotional states, pointing directly to a powerful cause of vulnerability: a sudden drop in core value.

You experience a state of core value when you think and behave in accordance with the most important things to and about you. It includes a sense of authenticity (you feel genuine) and self-regard, which, together, lower self-doubt and vulnerability to threat.
.
For instance, if it is important to you to be fair in your dealings with others, you will regard yourself well as long as you are fair, and feel guilt and shame when you are not. If you use the guilt and shame as amotivation to be true to your core value, i.e., to behave more fairly, your self-regard will instantly improve; you will act with conviction and not need anger for defense.

A Fishy Story

After reading some of the comments to my last post, I realized that yes, Kelly's story could indeed be totally made up. Its just so weird of a coincidence.

IF SO - please help me figure out her motive...

I'm not saying it was made up or not, and perhaps it doesn't matter either way, but I am curious. WHY would she tell me that story if it weren't true? What is the benefit to her? What is the point?

I really want your input on this because I don't see the point of her telling me something so randomly bizarre unless it was either true or there an ulterior motive.

THANKS! I love your brains :)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Randomly Finding Heroin - Amazing Story and a Good AA Story Too!

Today I got a call from Kelly. She was calling me from her break at work and I could tell she was very excited about something. Here is what happened to her today:

She and one of her roommates at the sober living home went shoe shopping.

When she got home and unloaded the shoes they bought and took out all that extra paper that comes in shoe boxes, she found a little box.

She opened it up and there inside was some black tar heroin! Her drug of choice! She was stunned, she could not believe her eyes. She showed it to her friend and then immediately ran and flushed it down the toilet.

It just happens to be her 60th day clean and sober. She said she didn't hesitate at tossing it, but she felt "guilty and dirty" all day even though she had done nothing wrong.

Is that flippin bizarre or what? I've never found anything in a shoe box in my life, what are the chances that a recovering addict is going to find heroin in a shoebox?

Needless to say, i am very proud of her :)

Also have been talking to Ant every few days. There was a stabbing at the prison so they are on lock down. He also sees heroin every day and has chose not to use.

Tonight he shared with me that for the first time ever he's actually reading the AA material instead of just attending meetings. He said "you won't believe it, there's a chapter in there that is ME! It explained so much, it was the first time I felt like someone understood me". Awesome words to hear! Now he wants to try to find a sponsor :)

As for Keven - I haven't talked to him much this week. He's never home. He seems okay but who knows. Just taking it one day at a time and not allowing myself to obsess over his choices.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Good Rehab Advise from Nikki

I've known a lot of addicts over the last 30 years or so. When I stop and think about it, not many have never fallen back at least once or twice to their drug of choice whether it be alcohol, heroin or RX drugs.

Those that do have long term success didn't get there the first time. Once again I think of Nikki Sixx. Dad on Fire posted this today and its good stuff.

Here is what Nikki has to say about what makes a Rehab facility "good". Phoenix House, where Keven was last year, met 4 out of 5 (it was co-ed which is a shame because I can see the value in not having the distraction and temptation of the opposite sex around during the initial recovery period):

"So how does one separate the good from the bad? Experts and recovery addicts gave these five must-haves for any rehab program:

1. No amenities

The recovering addicts and experts were all adamant on this point. "Places that have lots of amenities automatically concern me, because this is not supposed to be a fun experience," says Dr. Ralph Lopez, an adolescent medicine specialist and associate professor at Cornell University Medical College in New York City. Lopez, who has ushered many people through the rehab process, says taking responsibility for your own mess -- making your own bed, clearing your own tray off the lunch table -- is a crucial part of recovery.

Sixx agrees. "They had me cleaning the toilets," he says.

It's also important to get over your pride, says Christopher Kennedy Lawford, an actor who abused drugs and alcohol for decades, beginning with an LSD trip at 13. "You need to get humble, to get on your knees," he says.

2. An experienced staff

Because people can call themselves addiction counselors with little training or experience, look for a psychiatrist on the staff who's certified by the American Society of Addiction Medicine, says Jon Morgenstern, a psychologist and vice-president of CASA. He says the others on the staff should be psychologists or social workers licensed in addiction medicine counseling, mental health counseling, or both.

Morgenstern also advises asking how long the clinical director has been there, since some centers have huge turnover. "If they've only been there six months or a year, that's not a good sign," he says.

3. Individual therapy

While group therapy is the cornerstone of addiction treatment programs, it's important to have individual sessions two or three times a week, Morgenstern says.

4. Gender-separate facilities

This isn't true for everyone, but experts say many addicts do better when they're not around the opposite sex, especially if they've been victims of sexual abuse. "If a woman was raped when she was drunk, she's not going to handle a co-ed setting well for most of her work," says Jeanette Friedman, a social worker in New York City who's helped many clients through the rehab process.

5. A good exit strategy

Because most programs are only 28 days -- and recovery usually takes much longer than that -- look for one that has a very specific plan for how to keep you sober after you get out, Friedman and others advise.

Sixx has one more piece of advice, and he says it's more important than any other: The addict has to be ready for rehab. He says he tried rehab in 1985, and while he got off heroin, he continued to abuse other drugs. It took him 16 years to try again and succeed. He says addicts need to be psychologically ready to "peel the onion" to figure out the underlying reasons why they turned to drugs. "It's a long process," he says. "You've got to deal with it head-on, and it fucking hurts."

Lawford agrees. He says he, too, needed to figure out why he sought the mental escape of drugs. "All addicts are running away from something. We just use different color sneakers," he says.

Sixx says despite all the ups and downs, this is a good time in his life. "I'm starting my life over again, and it's not so bad," he says. "Life is not a G-rated movie. Just because it's hard, it doesn't mean it's bad. It's beautiful." (full article here)

Nikki wrote an album of songs after he published "The Heroin Diaries". This one is called Life is Beautiful:

Sweet Prison Visit!

Seeing Anthony today was great!

I had never been to a prison before, it sounds so intimidating compared to "jail" but it was a lot nicer place.  This is not Chino, he got transfered.  Chino is notorious for violence so I am glad he's no longer there.

Here is a photo where I spent my Sunday:

The interesting thing about this place is that its surrounded by houses and a really nice park!!!  It was in a rural area, tons of horses and ranch style houses.

We got to sit at a table with him for four hours!  He looked so healthy and is huge from working out constantly.  It was very special.  The inmates all seemed so much more mellow and less scary than what I am used to seeing at OC Jail.  I'm not sure why that is.

Ant signs up for some college classes this week and is managing to stay away from drugs.  He said there are drugs EVERYWHERE in there but he has too much to lose this time.  I can only hope and pray that he means it, time will tell.

As for my "real" son, I haven't seen him much this weekend but the reports from my sister are that he seems "good".

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I wonder if he's jealous?

Tomorrow I go see Anthony.

He and Keven talked on the phone for the first time last night (Ant called me later and told me about it). Ant said Kev was distant and didn't say much because Ant said "I hear you've been f___ing up lately".

I remember when I first met Anthony. My first impression: TROUBLE. I didn't like him, didn't want Keven hanging out with him. Knew he'd been in prison and used drugs. I had a preconceived idea that those two things meant he was a "bad influence".

Keven told me again and again what a great guy he was, how he wasn't like his other friends, he really cared, he was real, he had a good heart.

Well, long story short, Anthony won me over. Now he and I are closer than he and Keven. I know Keven wanted me to accept his friend but I wonder if he ever feels a bit jealous that we are so close now? I am going to ask him later. I don't think it bothers him but its kind of interesting how it all turned out.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Oxycontin Blues

Bill Ford, "Dad on Fire" had this on his blog today. Looks like an intense film. It was based on the life of Heath Ledger.

Loving and Hating Life

The contrast between Keven and Anthony right now is hearbreaking because its hard to rejoice in Ant's happiness* when Keven is tormented to the point of breaking down.  I wrote on my other blog about it.

*quote from Anthony's letter today:  "I am doing so frigging good I can barely stand myself :)  I love life, I love you, I love Kels, I love the way the future looks."

quote from Keven:  "Every minute of every day hurts to be alive".

quote from me:

help
i
don't
know
what
to
do

i
love him so
much

Diluted Urine

Kev just told me that he may be going to jail next week because his drug test came out so diluted today (well, his words were that his piss was too clear).

Of course my first thought is:  he's been using.

He was sick this weekend with a fever and vomiting.  And of course my first thought was:  he's been using.

I don't know for sure and may never know but today he is not high, I am certain of that.  He is seeing a new therapist and she actually communicates with me (without breaking any confidentiality) and told me today that she was going to ask him to sign a contract saying that he would not use any mind altering substances (including increased doses of his prescribed meds) while she was working with him because therapy will not work if he is.  This is the sort of thing that actually motivates him because he honestly does want to get better.

So that's where we are today.  Going to catch up on blogs and hit the hay.  I don't have as much time as I used to so I don't comment as much but I am still "with you" and reading along.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara