Will there ever be a day when I can see my son and NOT be suspicious?
I feel comfortable trusting him when he's in Rehab and going to Probation twice a week. That equals at least four drug tests a week. But I dot that uncomfortable feeling today.
As I mentioned in my last post, he went bowling today. I thought after bowling he would be driven back up to United...but he and the other guy that came with him both live here in MV and so they got permission to visit their families while they were all the way up here for bowling.
Well, Keven's family was NOT HOME. I came home from my class at about 2 pm, said hello to the dogs, sat down to eat my salad and then our of nowhere I hear "Hi, Mom" and Keven appears.
I SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS AND MY HEART WAS POUNDING. It never in a million years occurred that he would come over while no one was home and crawl through a window. And he was not alone, he had the "new girl" with him. Her name is "J".
They both sat and talked to me for a few minutes then they went outside to smoke. I had no suspicious at all. UNTIL.....it was time for them to leave and they said goodbye. I was waiting for him to ask me for a ride since its kind of hot out today and because he ALWAYS asks for a ride, always.
When I asked if they wanted a ride he said "No, we've got it handled" and left. But I saw this look in his eye that made me feel suspicious. Maybe it was a look of guilt (I can imagine what they were doing here alone for hours....). He knows I am leery of this girl. She seems nice and apparently doesn't use drugs but she's a girl! I know how girls are especially with him. She's the one that initiated contact with him when he was in jail!
So....he can't be up so something drug-related, right? That would be so stupid.
Also, because I didn't expect him over here, there was a bottle of Vicodin on my bathroom counter and a wallet with my life savings in it near my bed. Nothing was touched. Why can't I follow the advice I give others: Don't worry till you have something to worry about.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
9 comments:
When things go missing over and over again for years how can we not suspect? Especially when they are so early in recovery? Why was he allowed to go away for such a long peroid of time from the sober living? Maybe the girl had a car? It sucks to be so suspicious but that is something Blake would do. Crawl in so he can sit and watch tv, eat and relax and not think one thing about it. Problem is when he does that I wonder what he found that he has helped himself to that will take me months to know about.
I checked and Keven didn't touch a thing. We never used to keep our house locked up (back door was always open) until Anthony got out of prison. I don't think Keven thought twice about coming in because it never occurred to him that we would not want him in the house. He still thinks of it as home. I just don't like him being distracted by a girl, it always leads to stress which leads to anxiety which leads to using.
One of the times H was in treatment she was asked to be a volunteer staff member. After 90 days of sobriety she was asked to accompany a fellow resident, newly sober herself into town to take care of some court business. It was an hour drive each way. D and I both became riddled with anxiety when we heard. We jumped right into control/fear/crazy mode. We called and called over and over checking on her. Finally we chose to stop after we had thoroughly pissed her off. I look back now and I see that it was one of those times where *I* underminded her recovery with my fears. With that said, I know that the fear and nauseaus I felt was as sickeningly real as if I had walked in and found her actually in the act of using. My own stuff was all consuming and took over.
I guess this story is just so you know that you aren't alone. I'm not like that anymore most of the time so things do change. But I also really do believe now that her sobriety is her business and nothing I do or don't do is going to make or break it. Its been a looonnnngggg process. For all of us.
A good thing my daughter does not even know where I live. She has not done anything to earn my trust back. She is not welcome at my house. I love Elvis!
What the hell?? He is not allowed that kind of free time away from the house. He is not allowed to associate with people outside the house unsupervised like that. Somebody dropped the ball on this one!
I also do not believe in "waiting to worry." If you ever suspect drug use in your house, be pro active. Have a drug test on hand and use it. This is a boundary you must enforce, IMO.
Lou,
You're right. I guess what I mean about worry is that when there is a sign to worry I should worry, but I didn't see a sign other than the fact that they chose to walk back to the bowling alley. Maybe the guy was picking them up on the corner. Maybe I over-thought it. Then again maybe I am in denial again because things are going so well I can't bear the thought of him going backwards. Ugh.
But just to clarify, I don't suspect drug use. If he so easily threw away 5 months clean he will be kicked out of the program and go to jail. I just suspect sex and hope to hell he is not getting involved with another girl that is going to cause him stress and anxiety. I am going to talk to him today about climbing in windows when we are not home.
aagh Barbara,....I know...about the worry, but yes, wait 'til you see a problem, if at all possible. However, I agree with Lou, how the hell in a rehab, did he get that type of freedom ? Not typical at all, nor what should have happened. Hang in there.
Trust does come back, but it takes a long time. When you've been through so much with your son, you can't expect just to give it up. And once the trust starts to resurface, there will still be moments when something happens...a sound, a smell, an absence, a presence, a comment, etc. and in a heartbeat you are transported back to the time when trust did not exist. But even those moments heal with time.
Keven shouldn't be climbing through the your windows. He doesn't live there anymore. It is about respecting your privacy and your life, which is the same respect he wants you to show to him.
Now, all that being said, I pray for him regularly and I continue to have hope that he is overall making good choices and working on being clean and sober.
Love ya, Barbara.
Lisa
agree with lou.
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