It was about the difference between attending Al-Anon and NAMI and how they each pulled you in a different direction when your addict was dually diagnosed with both addiction (Al-Anon) and mental illness (NAMI). They have almost opposite methods. Tough love and no enabling or supporting with compassion and trying to help.
Since he seemed to be staying away from drugs, I decided that Keven's mental illness was the big issue. I poured myself into learning all about it. I went to the Family to Family classes (which I don't regret at all) and I feel qualified to diagnose mental illness and prescribe meds (not really, but seriously, the info they give you is very in depth).
Its much more difficult to navigate mental illness because its so nebulous, and there are no simple, straight answers. With addiction its very clear: stop using drugs and life gets better!
I've been treating my son as a Bipolar 1 with panic disorder, general anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder and possibly OCD. THINKING HE IS REALLY SICK AND NEEDS HELP.
THEN the addiction rears its ugly head and he uses heroin again at the very first chance he gets to do it without any legal consequences!!!
So now I am back in the "mother of an addict" mode and am ready, willing and able to kick him out if needed (I actually fantasize about how nice it would be for him to be gone for awhile).
Is he ill?
Is he ill and an addict?
Is he only an addict?
How do I treat him if he's both?
How do I find the truth of which he is?
Is he faking the illness?
Is he manipulating us?
Is it all a big game to him?
What if its not?
What if it is?
I wish he would never have been diagnosed. I would feel a lot better dealing with just a drug addiction. This is like a double edged sword - pointed at me.
P.S. All the comments left on the last post were awesome...thank you. Wish I had the energy to answer each one individually. I am trying to learn I can't always do that even when I want to. Need to preserve energy for the next few days of "battle".
P.S.S. You won't even believe what happened with his girlfriend today. Short story - she got busted for shoplifting. Luckily he was not involved and was not with her when it happened or he'd be in a lovely orange jumpsuit right now. Hey, that would solve a lot of my problems :)
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
6 comments:
Barbara, Even with mental illness, it is my opinion that they still have choices to pursue help or not. Many many addicts are dually diagnosed. H is..it just goes with the territory. They self medicate because of the mental illness and quickly become addicted to what makes them feel good. Sometimes I guess it could be reversed...they used drugs which brought on the mental illness. I know in our personal situation H suffered from debilitating depression and anxiety, combine that with puberty and she went over the edge at the speed of lightening. She is not out of her mind though and she knows right from wrong. She knows where to go to get help. She knows what to do....its up to her to do it or reach out a hand if she needs help. Just my opinion at this point.
Thank you, Annette, I always value your opinion, and I can never here it too many times.
I think Annette gave you a great answer and the fact that you are questioning things is good as well. I don't have any answers because I just don't know. Keven is making bad and impulsive decisions and he may just decide not to follow the right path. That is sad, but his choice and not yours unfortunately. I think when the time is right, you will know what you have to do. Could he be fooling everyone? Yes he could. I hope not, but it's possible. Drug addicts are great manipulators and some people in general are even better at it. I have watch my brother do it for years. Not so cute at 55 as it is when you are still young and handsome, but he still manages to manipulate my parents because they love him. Perhaps that explains why I am less believing of the "disease" theory and more of the tough love school of thought. Certainly they have done him no favors other than supporting him for the last 15 or 20 years.
Of course you fantasize about how nice it would be for him to be gone for awhile. We have ALL felt that and there is certainly no shame in feeling that way. When we're living in constant turmoil and chaos brought on by someone else's behavior it's the only sane way to feel! You will do the right thing. Have faith...
Carolyn
It is a tough nut, but the addiction/mental illness literally go hand-in-hand. Having been exactly where you are, I know that there is not right answer. But, I do know that when my daughter is symptomatic, I would never expect her to make good decisions around drugs. She just wants relief. Period. Anyway is good, but the most reliable one is the way she will go.
Keven's prescription drugs are not doing their job. They are not the go-to drugs of choice right now. If Keven and my daughter were not diagnoses with mental illness, then I totally agree, it would be in their court. But, it is not as Annette said, a matter of being "out of their minds". People with mental illness have impaired reasoning skills. My daughter is mensa level smart and she cannot understand the concept of consequences. She cannot grasp the ability to curb impulsivity when she is symptomatic. I used to believe that she was faking it but I don't anymore.
Mental illness and addiction BOTH have the manipulative component. With mental illness, it is used both to get what they want - money, drugs, the use of the car, etc., just like the addict. But, with mental illness, the manipulation runs into much more tricky areas. They will use it to pit people around them against each other, looking to gain an upper hand, or create chaos. Their emotional lives are so rocky, manipulation be comes a way of to manage what feels unattainable. It gives them a modicum of control.
So, you can assume that he IS manipulating you, but realize it might not be for the reasons that you think. And, no, this is not a big game for Keven. He is in real pain, just like you are.
I have said this to you before; I used to wish that my daughter was JUST an addict, not mentally ill, too. One or the other, but not both. I thought that it would have been easier. For all of us. Now, I don't know after reading all these blogs from families of kids who are addicts and not mentally ill. Pain is pain is pain.
You are definitely being pulled two ways by the comments and I am sorry that I felt compelled to put my two cents in. But, I really believe that Keven needs your tender loving care right now. Not a cold shoulder from someone who believes he is just manipulating her. Actually, I can't even imagine you doing that but I read about addicts' parents closing the door all the time. So, what do I know?
I am thinking of you Barbara,
xx kris
It sounds as if you need relief yourself Barbara. Al-Anon doesn't tell us what to do. There are no musts,merely suggestions on how we can take care of ourselves in the face of so much turmoil and hurt. We learn to detach with love and that is enormously helpful.
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