Yesterday was a long, but good, day. Anthony was released at 2 pm and I brought his brother with me to pick him up so they could have some time together. We got his clothes and I bought him some ice cream at Coldstone, (I wanted some but was disciplined!). Then we dropped by PMF to give Keven some calling cards for the payphone and he was allowed to come out and say hello to us. It was a very noisy and happy reunion, they hadn't seen each other in a long time. I then dropped Ant off at 3rd Step where he will be living and drove his brother home.
So the title of this post - Both Younger Brother and Keven (and probably others that I don't know of) seem to idolize Anthony. He is a leader, he is very charismatic, he is just so cool and interesting and good looking and has talent, huge muscles, wild stories and lots of tattoos. What's not to idolize right?
I had never really spent time with both Anthony and Younger Brother so was a bit shocked by just how much YB looks up to him. I actually felt bad for YB, he loves his brother so much and didn't understand why Ant chose to go to a program for a YEAR if he didn't have to. He kept talking about "how will we spend time together". Anthony gave YB some solid advice and kept assuring him that he was his top priority, after recovery.
How do you live up to other's expectations when they think of you this way? How does it feel when all eyes are on you and you know that if you walk the road of recovery, others will follow; but they will also follow if you jump back into the ugliness of heroin? Seeing and hearing both Keven and YB with him yesterday was an eye-opener to just how much weight he pulls with those two.
My son has been looking for a leader, a big brother, someone that he feels safe with, looks up to, etc., all his life. I knew the first time I met Anthony that Keven had found that guy but it broke my heart at his choice. Yes, Anthony has some great qualities, but he's an addict with a long criminal record, a totally messed up life, etc. But he "had Keven's back" and that's all that mattered. I want to believe he's changed, but you know how that goes.
I asked Anthony how it felt to have these two younger guys looking at him with such admiration and he told me it was scary, the pressure was on and he didn't want to let them down. I reminded him that they had to make their own choices and he said "Yeah, but you know they'll do what I do".
Its true. They will. And that scares the crap out of me but there's not much I can do but hope that he keeps his new life philosophy intact now that he's a free man.....and pray that even if he chooses to use, that Keven will choose NOT to follow.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
P.S. He kept saying over and over that he was so thankful to the cops who arrested him because this was a turning point in his life. I want desperately to believe that.