I took down the post I had hear because I did the wrong thing and I know it.
The only justification I have for texting Anthony is that Keven was trying to get a hold of him but didn't know he had a phone (he just got one this morning).
either way i just hope he's ok
20 comments:
Ok, Barbara, just my 5 cents worth. Please work on your own recovery. If you reread your posts you will discover a pattern. Keven - manipulation - Keven using - Keven manipulation -Barbara to the rescue - repeat. If you don't take care of yourself and let Keven be Keven, he will outlive you, addiction and all. You need to break the cycle to safe your life and his.
I would let Keven figure it out. If he wanted Anthony, he would have gotten in touch with him. I don't think that you can save Keven by intervening. Your fear for him is causing you so much stress. Wouldn't it be good to not have that fear?
Wow. What wise advice these first two commenters have shared. I have nothing to add except a virtual hug my dear friend.
Yes, good wisdom here for sure. I just am struggling big time with completely stepping back.
I am bringing him his clothes tonight, I hope that's considered okay to do.
He is suppose to get the last two pins out of his finger tomorrow and I was planning on driving him there...should I make him figure it out on his own? I just want those damn pins out, we've put if off for so long.
Barbara,
He will not die without his clothes and he will not die from those pins. Nor will they cause a lifetime of insurmountable problems. That is why you should not do those things. Only even consider doing things for him when he is in immediate danger of death.
These rules are worth sticking to for a good 6 months to see if they make any difference in how you feel or how he acts. That is my humble opionion and as you know my results suck so take it with a grain of salt.
Anna, your'e right, he won't die without his clothes, but I have his first week's rent and they won't let him in without that so I have to go up there regardless. I'll let him decide about the dr.
This is so hard. I'm doing my best.
Your doing all the right things for Beth, the results aren't up to us, they're up to them.
You ask.
No, it is NOT alright to bring him his clothes. You put his clothes in a trash sack and you tell him they are sitting on the back step and if they are not picked up by someone that he directs within 7 days they will be moved to the curb for the trash man.
Barb, he said he was going to use. To use he must find some way to score the drugs or have someone to bring them to use. If he can figure that out then he can figure out the clothes thing, IF HE WANTS TOO. Likewise the pins in his fingers.
It is time for you not to back away. It is time for you to turn around and walk with determination away from this situation. This is up to you. ON YOUR TERMS you maintain a relationship. So far I see that you are doing NOTHING on your terms. Read the posts above.
Three people give you good advice and you complimented them on "good wisdom". Then in the next two statements you completely ignored them and stepped right back into your old ways.
Why would you expect Keven to change when you refuse to change. If Keven begged you for a needle and H would you get it for him? Where are your boundaries? He already said he is NOT ready to quit, anything you do for him is equal to giving him the needle.
It's time you seek out a meeting or a professional specializing in highly co-dependent personalities. Work a program for yourself, your life is not Keven's to use.
Just make sure that you give his rent money directly to whoever it should be going to not Keven. I think you need to follow your heart sometimes, I totally understand the comments here, re co-dependent, he said he was going to use again, etc., but this I know my son told me that if I had totally cut him out of my life when he is was actively using he would not have wanted to live. Despite the fact that they are addicts they still need to know they are loved. I think that you already know what you need to do here. You are doing your best in an extremely difficult situation. Everyone means well here they have been following you and speaking into your life for a long time, but don't feel as if you have failed if you don't do exactly what everyone here is telling you to do. We surrender when we are ready and not a minute before. Praying for you and Keven, I feel my heart sink when I read these posts.
Barbara,
You say you're struggling with stepping back completely. It looks like you are struggling with stepping back AT ALL. You are helping him tonight, then tomorrow then . . .
He knows you will not leave him to it. That is why he calls and says the things he does. You are all the way involved and it has to stop. For him and for you. Its not about his rent or his clothes. . . Or about the pins in his finger. All of these things keep you involved. You were claiming your life back for you . . . ?? I know you are worried and hurting but doing all these things for him doesn't stop the worry or hurt it just helps him to drag you down with him. All said with love x
Ps. Regarding Anon's
"Despite the fact they are addicts they still need to know they are loved"
I would like to add
"Despite the fact we are addicts aswell as needing to know we are loved we need to recognise this filth is our choice and we should do everything possible to keep those we love and those who love us as far away as possible from the consequences of being involved in this shit."
Love does not equal tolerating, manipulating, etc. Love is breaking the cycle of codependency before it is too late. Bugerlugs is right on the money.
Again, all I have to offer is a big hug! We are in the same spot in our recovery. I am just lucky that my kid is in rehab at the moment. This is not fun is it? Hang on sister girl!
you would not believe how you are helping me. It is all so clear from a distance. If you were to drop dead tonight, Kevin's life would go on. We aren't as important as we make ourselves seem.
He.Is.Using.You!!!! and gosh darn it all, you are just too nice to not allow him to abuse you. You have been given a life line to a battered mother's shelter. Will you take it?
Sorry. I just realized I've been spelling Keven's name wrong all this time. :(
Wow Barbara, I don't know what to say. My heart is hurting for you,...and I think I like Buggerlug's comment best. I'm thinking of you & praying for you. I understand you & your thoughts & actions.
The above information is all excellent but I always tend to default back to...I can only do what I am ready to do. Maybe that means you need to drop the money off to the new house and drop his clothes off while your at it. Leave the dr. number address or clinic so HE can get those pins out. Maybe you need to do those things to feel OK. BUT telling you he is not done yet is like a kick in gut. What does that mean? Love me? drop me some money? Can you drive me here... but Oh by the way I have no intention of really giving sobriety a chance. That's just an addict abusing his codependent. If he can go on a run, surely he can find a clinic to take the pins out. I hate this so much. I am not living your journey but watching it from a distance where it seems a little clearer is painful. I will support you where ever you are in this Barbara and you can share everything but know ONE thing. You can change your reaction to Kevin even if he stays stuck right where he is this very minute. If you are waiting to feel better when he gets better....that may never happen and that will break my heart.
Thanks everyone and I really mean it. Its just been a rough day.
He made it to 3rd Step House, I did drop off the clothes.
Halfway home I got a text saying they didn't want him there after all. But then he said "hold on" and never got back to me. I don't know what's going on...but Anthony text me and said "don't worry" so I'm not going to.
I have plans for tomorrow which include a massage.
Hugs and love to you - I am an addict and I now know what I put my family thorugh (now that I am not using)...I love what a commenter said above about helping being the equilivent of giving him a needle - whether we see it or not, it is true! Also, I think maybe you should just post WHAT you are going to do instead of asking for opinions and advice because you clearly do not take the advise and do exactly what others advise you not to do EVERY time! Sorry to be rough on you but you truly ARE part of the problem...
Barbara - I have already lost my daughter. I have already experience THE fear you are afraid of. So listen to me.
Keven is going to do what Keven is going to do. Let Keven figure out his life 100%. Let it go, and go take care of yourself.
Be good to YOU, yourself. When Keven sees you being good to yourself, maybe he will be good to himself. Maybe not. But you have no control over Keven. Only yourself.
Now I am going back over to MY blog where I'll beat myself up over there and you can tell me what I'm doing wrong lolol. =)
I keep checking in, wondering how you are doing today.
ox
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