November 19, 2011

I cant' take this much longer

UPDATE:  They just 5150'd him, he did something to make them think he was a threat to himself.  I don't even want to talk about this anymore.

Let go let go let go let go....


Things have gotten worse today.  They told him at 10 this morning they would send a dr. to see him to put him on meds.  Its 7:20 still no doctor.  He's calling me and freaking out,  sounding totally unstable, begging me to come get him, etc. etc.

I know I should not answer the phone but I don't want him to feel like he's all alone and I don't want him to leave the hospital.

I haven't eaten all day cause I can't.  Its amazing how fast you can go from feeling stronger to feeling like you're about to lose it.

Thanks for all the comments.  I know everyone is right.  I just don't know how much more I can take of this and am weak, scared shitless, worried, etc. etc. etc.

He's definitely got some major psychological problems on top of the addiction.  I've been trying to get him help for that for years but no one has been able to figure him out.

What am I suppose to do.

12 comments:

Annette said...

Barbara, I would consider, and I am not telling you that this is what you should do, but if it were me this is what I would be considering doing....calling the nurses station and saying that you feel like you need to step back for your own sake, but you need to be assured that someone is there that is paying attention to your son's needs. I would leave word that they can call you if they feel it necessary, in the event of an emergency, he leaves, things calm down, but you won't be calling or checking in for the next 24 hours. This has been a long on going situation and you need to take care of yourself for the next 24 hours.

I could do that, knowing that my child isn't alone, they are in a safe place, and their needs are being met.

Sue said...

I'm sorry.

But I agree with what everyone is saying. You are always going to want to answer the phone, every single time. You are always going to want to rescue him and he knows that and will keep using it until you stop and he knows he has to take responsibility for himself. Isn't that sort of what he's been asking you to do, to let him take responsibility, even if that ends up with him in the morgue?

If you keep picking up his pieces, he is going to feel worse every time and you are going to collapse in exhaustion.

I'm sorry this is happening. I would be feeling just as weak and scared, even though I don't quite understand how strong it feels when you're a mother and it's your son.

xoxo

Anonymous said...

Dear Barbara,
What else is there left to do? You have done it all. Please try to hand him over to God. God doesn't want you to suffer anymore. Hand it over, if you can.I can only imagine how hard this would be to do. I know you love Keven with every ounce of your being. Try to love him enough to let go...to hand him over to a Higher Power. You are powerless over his addiction and now its consequences. Again, I can only imagine the helplessness and hopelessness you feel.
I think the first commentor had a very good suggestion.
My prayers are going out to you and to your son tonight, as they do everynight. Praying for some peace for you and some Divine intervention. Let go and Let God.
Shelley in SK

Erin said...

Just "I love you" again.

I can't imagine the emotional toll this is taking on you. Please take care of yourself, too.

Maybe it's good that they are holding him. Maybe it will help.

bugerlugs63 said...

You said it lovey;
"I can't take this much longer"
You can't. I think Annette's suggestion is good. He will be cared for there. If he leaves it's to use again. He begged you to let him do this alone. Let him. I know it's not that easy. This is all easy said. But he will pull you down. He already is doing. I can't imagine the turmoil you are feeling. I don't know how you can stop that. I wish I did. Love and hugs x

raydenzel1 said...

I agree with them too. You are not being cruel, you are not abandoning him. At this time, an arms length approach is best.
xo

Lou said...

I'm not judging, but it seems when Keven has his back to the wall, he has these breakdowns. Could it be he doesn't want to go to that "hard core" place, where he will be held accountable? Could he be manipulating you with guilt/fear, hoping you will back down and let him come home? He was stable enough to figure out a way to get drugs in a Starbuck's bathroom.

I believe he has mental problems, but I believe he exaggerates them when it is to his advantage. I have experience with this from my own addict. It is very easy to get caught up in this, and I eventually found the principles that apply to letting go with addiction, apply to mental illness as well.

You are reacting as you always do. Believe me, I understand! No one gets this the first couple years, and I feel for you. But what would happen if you just let the hospital handle it, and let the PO do a direct transfer to wherever he/she wants. Let them make the decision, he is on parole.

Thinking of you Barbara.

Syd said...

Barbara, I can't add anything. Lou, Annette, Anonymous echo my thoughts. I see that you have a lot of books over on the sidebar that deal with co-dependency. Read them and look for comfort. I used to sit with the books like Co-Dependent No More beside me and read and re-read those words that told me to stop basing my life on what someone else was doing. I finally got it. Nothing fell apart. I let go and gave the person over to the God of my understanding. Right now, if you can, believe that the hospital is his Higher Power, the PO is his Higher Power. Give him up to them. It's amazing how Keven works you because he knows that you are there--his one resort to rescue him. Time to stop the merry-go-round and take care of yourself. I believe that both of you need a break from each other.

Terri said...

What would you tell me to do? ;-) Big hug and lots of prayer.

DDD said...

Though the situation with my son is not nearly as serious as your situation with Keven, I feel like I am at a crossroads as well. As painful as it is, I think leting go and handing things over to God is the only way we can keep our sanity. We have lives to live, too. And it's not like we haven't tried everything. I will continue to keep you and Keven in my thoughts and prayers. xo

beachteacher said...

Barbara, just want you to know I'm thinking of you. I'm reading this now on Sun. morning on the east coast. I hope a dr. Has seen him by now & is working on figuring out some meds. I know that Keven has psychological issues,but drugs in his brain haven't let that be really figured out. I still have great hope that if Keven gets clean & really works on recovery,... every day, bigtime,... those issues won't be as challenging as they are right now. He's done a hell of a job to not feel depressing or anxious thoughts/feelings, but that's what addicts do. He must have had them in jail all that time,... & he survived them. As he goes forward now, I'd bet he can calm down & at least feel better than yesterday. In the meantime, you do owe yourself 24 hr.s of no phone calls from him & I'll pray he doesn't run.

notmyboy said...

It is SO easy to see what to do when you aren't living in that exact moment. I could sit here and tell you exactly what you should and shouldn't do, but I won't. I just want to say that I SO get it. I really, really, really get it.

You have every right to feel exactly like you feel right now. You know what to do. Maybe you could read your post from the eyes of one of us out here in cyberland. Just change the names of the cast of characters. The answers are glaring on this end.

{{hugs}}

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