July 8, 2011

He's still out there somewhere...

7:30 am this morning - he promises me he will turn himself in soon.
Twenty texts and or calls later he is still promising
11:50 pm - he still hasn't done it.

I think its very obvious what he's doing.  My main concern is that he's had this SHIT out of his system for six months and now he's putting himself in jeopardy of an overdose, of getting dope sick and of getting right back into a daily habit.

I can't tell if I am more angry or scared.  I am going to take an extra sleeping pill and crash for the night.  I hope I have good news in the morning.

THANKS AGAIN TO THE INCREDIBLE CARING COMMENTS YOU HAVE LEFT.  It brings me to tears when I realize how fortunate I am to have come into this blog community back in the summer of '09.

Peace, Hope and LOTS OF Love, Barbara


Tori said...

Praying for you and Keven. So sorry this is going on.

Lou said...

He is high, that's when you get the twenty texts and empty promises. Sorry. He won't stop on his own as long he can get dope.

Can your phone carrier trace the calls? Can you trick him into meeting you somewhere and have the police pick him up?

Mike aka MonolithTMA said...

I'm just sick for you. Looking forward to some, hopefully good news.

Mrs F with 4 said...

Oh, Barbara... I have been reading your blog for, oh, a long time, but never comment (I guess that makes me a lurker), but this time, I have to. I jcaught up with the last few days. I don't have anything eloquent or even useful to say... I'm just hoping, and praying, for you both.

yaya said...

On my walk this morning I prayed for Keven and my own son who's been clean for 3+ years.

Each of them are only one shot/snort away from relapse.

Recovery is such a difficult journey. And it's a journey they'll be on (or not) for the rest of their lives.

So it is important that you take care of you.

Keven knows you love him; he just doesn't love himself right now. He knows what he has to do; he just doesn't want to do it right now. Unless he asks for help; he doesn't want it. Unless he asks for advice; he's not listening.

It is so hard to watch them make stupid choices.

Hope when you wake up things will have changed for the better.

God Bless

Gledwood said...

Yeah I agree with Lou, he must be high. It doesn't make sense why else he wouldn't turn himself in when he knows the score and has been in similar situations before...

Do you reckon there's anything he might be scared of, or any other factor influencing his behaviour in this way?

(If I could think of one I'd mention it; but I can't).

If you get to talk to him, remind him the longer he goes on using opiates the harder it's going to be languishing opiate-free in jail.

You don't reckon he's TRYING to get a habit so he can get methadone in jail do you? Even a rapid methadone taper would be something he'd probably feel, IF he had barely any habit at all... Just an idea.

I can't think of anything else to say except take care of yourself and try not to worry. It'll all come out in the wash ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Barbara,
I prayed last night and this morning and will continue to pray for Keven and your family. I guess Keven is coping in a way that he copes. So extremely sad. It's so out of your hands and control and I can only imagine that this is 'the nightmare' for you....not being able to do anything. Let's hope and pray that he turns himself in today. I will continue to pray and send my positive caring thought to you. Take care.
Shelley in Sk

Gledwood said...

When I mentioned "trying to get a habit" I meant if he could get on a methadone taper withOUT having a habit, he's going to feel a certain degree of high from that taper and that might motivate him to appear addicted as he can possibly be. Bear in mind how demoralizing jail is. And how people do all SORTS of things inside they'd never consider doing outside... Anything that can take the edge off that will be gratefully accepted ~ including an unnecessary course of methadone...

Her Big Sad said...

Oh Barbara, I agree with so many here - especially Lou and Yaya. He's just not done yet, and it really may take an arrest to accomplish getting this stopped and give him an opportunity to once again think, and learn, and decide if he wants to keep going through it. Ugh.

It is up to you whether you help that arrest happen. I have done it. I kept the lines of communication open with the P.O. and with my daughter and when I knew they were at a location I reported it. Forty minutes later they were in custody. I've never regretted that.

But it is not always my response. She sounded desperate that time and kept telling me she wanted to be stopped.

Other times, when she (her disease) has been mean, spiteful, angry and uncooperative while high and "out there", I have just told her not to call me until she is ready to work on her recovery again.

He has moved away from you and from recovery. You are there. Right where you were. He knows that. He moved Barbara. The "willingness" will come, but maybe not without some "help" from an arrest. And I am so so sorry. Prayers continue and please let us know if you want to get together this weekend for "diversion tactics!!" I'm sure we can find some mischief to get into!

Lori said...

I am so sad. My heart literally hurts right now. I was just popping on here to read something positive and whammo! I had to go back and read your last few posts. I really want to give you a hug. This is all just too much.

Hang in there, Barbara. Keep your eye on the prize and keep moving forward. Baby steps work.

Anonymous Mom said...

Once again, I am touched by all these comments. I truly am alone in all this except for all of you and my sister.

He was out getting high yesterday (heroin and meth, not like him to use meth but whatever).

BUT if you read the latest, he did try to do the right thing after he was done getting loaded.

He is here with me now, the keys are hidden but I can tell he's not even contemplating leaving. He called Unidos and they said he could come back Monday if he tested clean. (Can it get out of his system by then?)

I am not sure what we will do today, still working on it.

Anonymous Mom said...

Mrs. F, THANK YOU for commenting, it means a lot that you have been reading here. I appreciate you caring enough to come "out of the woodwork" to encourage me. Gosh, I swear I feel so fortunate sometimes that in the midst of tragedy and hard times, people out there really care!!!!!

Syd said...

People do care. It is just so sad that we often care too much and get really hurt by loved ones.

Anonymous said...

Hi Barbara,
I was just able to check how you are doing late tonight. I sure have been thinking and praying for you today. I hope that your son's using is another step toward his recovery. You must be so exhausted and spent. My love and concern are sent to you and your son. Take care. I pray that you can feel some peace in all this turmoil you are going through.
Shelley in SK, Canada

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