July 7, 2011

He Used

Keven used.
Almost 6 months clean.
He will be kicked out of "United" and possibly out of Recovery Court.
He has not turned himself in yet.
I don't know where he is but I am begging him to turn himself in before this gets worse for him.

He said he has never regretted anything as much as this.  He's been so happy.  He feels terrible.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

Nothing much else to say.

P.S.  Please "pray" for me (whatever that means to you).  If Keven turns himself in I will support him by writing him in jail, visiting, putting some money on his books for essentials, letting him call home.

If he chooses not to --- I will not help him in any way, I will not do anything for him at all.  I don't know if I am strong enough for that, but I know its the right thing to do in this situation,.  I've done all I can for him the last three years.  I have been told to turn my back on him but never did.  But this time, if he chooses to run and not take responsibility, I will turn my back on him because I need to --- for myself and for his own good.  Damn it I hate this life!!!  I hate it.  Things were GREAT.  But, you know how it is:  every day you know in the back of your mind that it can all come crashing down, and it often does.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

Barbara - I'm so sorry to read this. I know how you feel. I hope Keven has a sponsor who can help him get back on track instead of accepting it as complete failure - because it's not complete failure. He simply lost focus.

Anonymous Mom said...

Dee, thank you so much. I agree, it was a loss of focus, not a full blown relapse. But it has changed the course of his life. He was on his last chance with court and now could end up doing long term jail or prison.

He doesn't currently have a sponsor and that was one of my first thoughts - it was the one thing missing from his Program.

You're a very compassionate and understanding person...thanks for your words.

Syd said...

I am sorry Barbara. I really was hoping that he would get it this time.

Sue said...

Ack :(

"Praying" (whatever that means) for you and for him, for strength and peace, hope and love ((hug))

Tina said...

Barbara, I am so sorry to be reading this post. Don't listen to people that tell you to turn your back on Keven. As parents of addicts, We all have to remember we are powerless over their addictions. I have been in your shoes many times with Lucky. I so understand how heart breaking it is. I have always told Lucky if you choose to make the right decisions I will be there to support you, but if you choose your addiction there is nothing I can do to help. Lucky is doing well, but Im always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are both in my prayers.

Hugs

Iris Flavia said...

Oh, Barbara... so very sorry to hear this! I hope your Son finds the power and courage to come back into life and stop making you feel this way, too.
I have no idea but guess it must be one of the most fearful situations you are in right now and turning the back must be awfully painful.
Thinking of you and hoping for the best... Hugs

Erin said...

Well I'm going to say I'm so sorry that you are going through this and I love you and wish you peace and strength...but what I really want to say is "God damn it!" because I am so angry at whatever it was that weakened his resolve enough to throw away so much.

I am so grateful you have a support network through this, and I hope you will lean on them...especially if you have to cut him off completely.

Some days I wish so much that we lived closer so I could be there for you through all of this.

I pray he will turn himself in sooner rather than later, so not to make this any worse than it is.

Tori said...

Oh Barbara my heart aches for you and Keven right now. I do hope and I will pray he turns himself in. I am so, so sorry 6 months is such a long time. They will really kick him out for this?

I am having such a hard time trying to remove myself from B it is such a struggle. I feel like I have tried everything else and being in his insanity is driving me insane. For us, as Parents if we are involved with them when they are active or stay away we lose. Either way we lose. It is just trying to figure out what is best for them and I sure wish I knew what that answer is. For me I know that nothing else has worked so removing myself seems the only choice left.

You are in my prayers.

Lou said...

Kevin has always reminded me of Andrew. At Kevin's age, Andrew was hell bent. There was NO ONE, NO HOW, NO WAY that was going to stop him. Not any treatment, not any program, not my unconditional love. The system threw every resource they had at him, before they finally sent him to prison.

In those very long years in between, many, many people prayed for Andrew. My church, Joy's prayer group, blog friends--strangers to me! I have to believe it worked Barbara, nothing else ever did. I will pray, and I will ask others I know.

You are right to distance yourself. He will get caught, we know that. Like you, I don't believe in punishing them once they are in jail.

I know the sick feeling in your gut right now. The disease is a long haul.You are a strong mother.
We are all here for you.

Mike aka MonolithTMA said...

Oh, Barbara. I'm so sorry to hear this. Each time Keven turns it around my hope is renewed. we all live with unpredictability in our lives, but living with an addict goes way beyond that. You just never, ever know if they'll use again.

I wish Robyn and I lived closer so we could give you big hugs.

Unknown said...

Geez, I wish I could help you. But now I understand where my confusion came from in trying to understand what the cards were telling me.

yaya said...

The red flags were flying and reading your last couple of posts, I know you saw them. So I suspect this relapse didn't come totally out of the blue.

But that doesn't make it any easier.

I went through seven years of full blown addicion with my son. Each relapse was like a kick in my stomach. It would drain me completely. But my son kept on trying and, as he puts it, "came out the other side". I trust Keven will do the same.

As they say, Relapse is a part of Recovery. Hopefully he turns himself in and Drug Court will only sanction him.

Yes, this life sucks. Even after 3+ years of sobriety, if I don't hear from my son a couple of times a week, my mind engages in "stinking thinking". As parents of addicts, our lives are forever tinted with a bit of anxiety. We manage as best we can. We learn to live one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.

Keeping you and Keven in my prayers. God Bless and breathe deep.

DDD said...

Barbara... I am praying for you and Keven. I hope he does the right thing. If he doesn't, be strong and do what you have to do. You deserve to be happy. Although the situation with my son isn't as serious as your situation with Keven, I still feel like I know exactly what you're going through. And what you're feeling. It's so hard being the parent of an addict who suffers from depression. There's no owner's manual.

I'll wrap up by including this powerful quote from David Sheff's book "Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction":

"Like many in my straits, I became addicted to my son's addiction. When it preoccupied me, even at the expense of my responsibilities to my wife and other children, I justified it. I thought, How can a parent not be consumed by his child's life-or-death struggle? But I learned that my preoccupation with Nic didn't help him and may have harmed him. Or maybe it was irrelevant to him. However, it surely harmed the rest of my family--and me. Along with this, I learned another lesson, a soul-shaking one: our children live or die with or without us. No matter what we do, no matter how we agonize or obsess, we cannot choose for our children whether they live or die. It is a devastating realization, but also liberating. I finally chose life for myself. I chose the perilous but essential path that allows me to accept that Nic will decide for himself how--and whether--he will live his life."

Anonymous said...

Prayers are definitely being sent your and Keven's way. Take care.

Rahime said...

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Anonymous Mom said...

Syd, thank you. Thanks for still checking in here and caring.

Anonymous Mom said...

Sue Z Q, thanks. I feel your prayers all the way over here on the other side of the world.

Anonymous Mom said...

Tina, thanks. Very wise words. I didn't use those exact words with Keven (but think I may steal them to use later), but I have communicated that to him. I hope I have. I will not abandon him as long as he's doing the right thing. I'm waiting to hear if he's turned himself in.

Anonymous Mom said...

Iris, thank you sweetheart. I appreciate your care and concern for us, it means a lot.

Anonymous Mom said...

Erin, great minds think alike, those were the exact words I used when he told me. I wish we lived closer too. I heard there is a heatwave up there, hope you don't melt, love you.

Anonymous Mom said...

Tori, Its so painful isn't it? We love our children so much and to sit by and watch them destroy their lives is almost unbearable. I'm thankful I am much stronger today THANKS TO ALL MY BLOG FRIEND'S AND THEIR SUPPORT AND WISDOM, than I was last year or the year before.

I'm praying for B...and all of the addicts and all of their families.

Anonymous Mom said...

Lou, Andrew has always reminded me of Keven - but older :) Some of the things you've shared I think "that's what Keven would do/say/think". I hope that he can come out the other side like Andrew did. I fear prison because you can get dope there, I hope they will let him stay in County.

Anonymous Mom said...

Mike, I wish we lived closer, you and Robyn would be great friends to hang with. Thank you both.

Anonymous Mom said...

Lceel, I don't want to know anything sad or bad. I appreciate you wanting to help. No one can help, but it feels good to have support and encouragement.

Anonymous Mom said...

Yaya, your comment says a lot. You know exactly how this feels and how frightening it is. I want him to be in jail so I can sleep. You know what's funny - I didn't see it coming this time. How ridiculous is that? I saw those red flags but to me they were yellow...in my mind he was doing better than ever and relapse was just not an option (at least not yet). Maybe my subconscious was just saving me some heartache.

Anonymous Mom said...

DDD, Thank you so much. That quote was perfect for me today.

Anonymous Mom said...

Anon ---- thanks, whoever you are.


Rahime, thanks. When is the baby due?

Terri said...

I am so sorry to hear this news. Prayers are being said for you and for your son. Prayers that you will stay strong and take care of yourself and prayer that your son will make the right choice.

Dawn said...

I'm so sorry Barbara.....It's never easy. I hope he turns him self in sooner than later. Will they help him get back into rehab? I don't know anything about drug court - we don't have it here. Even if you do decide to turn your back on him, it won't mean that you will worry about him any less. Take care of yourself!

Bristolvol said...

My son and his family are here visiting, so I just now read this. It made me sick to my stomach for you and for Keven. I am so sorry, but prayers are coming your way. Love, Helga

Rahime said...

She's due early Nov.

Slips like this are so heart-breaking. I'll be hoping & praying for him.

Anonymous Mom said...

Helga, thanks. I didn't cry today till I read your comment. It really touched me and opened the floodgates. But I am at work so I have already re-composed myself.

I'm allowed to blog or do whatever I want at work.

Anonymous Mom said...

Rahime, :)

She is going to be such a doll!!!

I haven't talked to your sis in a long time but keep up with her on FB. She seems to be having fun in her new job.

A Mom's Serious Blunder said...

I am devastated and that is saying a lot about how I feel about you guys. If this can happen to Kevin it can happen to J! I like to ignore that little "relapse thing". I am so so so sorry. You are handling it much better than I would. I am not sure I would be able to type those words again. The court has given Keven 1st 2nd 3rd and a 4th chance???? Who knows maybe they will just sanction him and give him a 5th chance! I hope he turns him self in. I just new the whole girl friend thing was bad news. Now I am just going to swear and scream hold your ears. *&^%$#^$%#^%$##@^%$^%$$%@#$%@
That's all I am going to say on the subject.

If you want to AIM give me a time and I will be there for you. My screen name is madyson007.

Momma said...

Barbara, I am so sorry to read this, but am so glad to see the support you have from everyone. I identify with you so much, with our heroin addict sons. I will be thinking of you... and here's a little story for you, it's true... Tony just told me yesterday...

A guy in Tony's NA meeting showed up at the meeting this week without his basic text, upset that he had forgot and left it on the bus. The next day, Tony's girlfriend, K, said that someone had turned in an NA text at her work, in a different part of the city, and she was worried that someone was missing it, so Tony said to bring it home. They looked inside and there was the guy's name written in. So, Tony called him and he came and picked it up, grateful that it was found.

So, you see, sometimes things just work out.

Hang in there, Barbara.

Annette said...

Barbara! How did I miss this?! I am so sorry. I am going to read your update. :o(

Gledwood said...

Why does he have to go to jail just for using once? That's a bit draconian! After all it's his body he's polluting by taking that crap, so he suffers consequences already...

I know someone who's half Dutch (though you'd never know it, he's about as cocknified as can be)... anyway he went to rehab in Holland, ran out the door and smoked 2 rocks of crack.

When he came back expecting to be shown the door, they merely asked him why he did it ~ and rehab continued. I think they might consider implementing that approach in my country and your country because something about the way we do things now just isn't working...

Anonymous Mom said...

Gledwood,

Keven is in a program called "Recovery Court". He has a felony possession charge but being in this court will eventually erase his felony. The purpose of the court is to give addicts a chance.

In the program he has to go to probation twice a week and do a drug test, he has to go to court every other week to report to the judge.

If he gets a dirty test he has to spend the night in jail.

It may sound harsh, but the judge and his PO are both awesome. The program is more like a big family that has been together for years (two for my son so far).

During the two years he has blown it so many times I lost count. He has been given quite a few "last chances". So turning himself in is his only shot at staying in the program.

All the rehabs he's been in are different and the one he was in this time has a zero tolerance policy - you use once and you're out.

Its actually a positive thing because it helps the majority of people that go through it.

I see where you're coming from but right now, his life is not his own, the court has control over everything. I have a feeling they may not give him another "one more chance".

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