I just ran across this article and read the whole thing hoping for a happy ending. After I was done I wondered --- how many happy endings are there? I hate the feeling of being hopeless but today, I worry.
Here is the article if you want to read it, I assure you it will be familiar to many: Dana Reisman's story.
UPDATE:
Holy crap....I didn't read the comments to the above article, but thanks to Bristol pointing it out, I will share the comment here. I know from my own newspaper's recent comments that THIS IS THE MINDSET of many people out there. Its pretty sad that they see it this way, its absolutely no help to anyone. There is some truth to what this person says, but what they don't realize is that its human nature for people to do things even though they have been warned against it. Drinking and driving, driving too fast, eating the wrong foods, not exercising, the list goes on. Most addicts start in high school and sure - they hear the lectures about lecture, just like they hear the ones about safe sex, safe driving, etc.
The problem is, in their youthful belief that they are invisible, bad things happen to other people. Its naive thinking but they are young people that are still maturing. I don't blame the addicts. They may have chose to use, but they did not choose the addiction that ruined their lives and devastates their families.
Comment: "I spent several years as a proprietor on the west coast. The west coast was flooded with Black Tar Heroin, and consequently the neighborhood I worked in had several overdose deaths. It is sad that all of those people died needlessly. There is so much information, and so much indoctrination thru education on the downfalls of Heroin, that it puzzles me why someone would use it. I have no sympathy for those that use it or become addicted to it. Once addicted, they become animalistic creatures that pursue the drug, and will do anything to get the drug. Sometimes that involves stealing from family, and friends.Sometimes it involves acts of violence, and even the murder of people that stand in their way of committing crimes. Addicts are not victims and should not be referred to as "victims". They made poor choices, disregarding all warnings of imminent disaster. The victims are those that have to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives, and the survivors of the carnage the addicts wreak. Resources should be spent on helping the real victims., not the addicts."
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
July 31, 2011
July 30, 2011
No Candlelight Vigils for Dead Addicts :(
I feel hurt, bitter and sad when I think of the difference between what happens when a young person dies in a car accident or dies of an OD.
Car accident = flowers and stuffed animals left at the crash site, the media interviewing the family asking for support from the community, crying people with candles talking about how much the person will be missed. Everyone saying "he/she was such a good person."
OD death = nothing
Many of these accidents are caused by the young person making a foolish choice, just like addiction is a foolish choice our kids made.
Just read Ron's post today, it says it way better than I ever could: An Addict in Our Son's Bedroom
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 29, 2011
HE'S OUT!
A lot happened yesterday. I knew there was a chance that he'd be released today so packed all his stuff and brought it with me to work. I also wrote him a reminder of what I will and will not do for him from this point on. He sold his car (well, I sold it for him) and is now paying his own way in life. He's going to see how fast money goes and how different it feels to spend YOUR OWN MONEY for rehab, cigs, etc. He's never had money of his own (except for the money he made illegally to buy the car but we won't go there....) so this should be a huge life lesson that he should have learned years ago.
He's going back to "United" for his fifth last chance to get the help he needs while in Opportunity Court/Recovery Court.
HE BETTER KNOW HOW FORTUNATE HE IS!
I'm excited because, even though there are benefits to being in custody, being in a solid rehab is far better for him.
I need a break. TGIF!
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 26, 2011
I said this to someone the other day, I like it:
Addiction is like an infection that spreads from the addict to everyone they have close contact with.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is how I felt after the Anthony incident. Even those who want nothing to do with the addict can become infected by his actions just by being in proximity.
It happens all the time. I admit, I am worried about him, but I have to remember that getting near him doesn't affect only me - I bring the "germs" home and, well, then my house gets robbed.
I read about a suicide just now in my local paper. I hope it wasn't him. It doesn't sound like something he would do....but you never know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is how I felt after the Anthony incident. Even those who want nothing to do with the addict can become infected by his actions just by being in proximity.
It happens all the time. I admit, I am worried about him, but I have to remember that getting near him doesn't affect only me - I bring the "germs" home and, well, then my house gets robbed.
I read about a suicide just now in my local paper. I hope it wasn't him. It doesn't sound like something he would do....but you never know.
July 25, 2011
One of Us Could Use Some Kind Words
I don't even know what words to say sometimes. It just hurts to know others are hurting, doesn't it? I wish we could all just have a group hug.
Here's her blog link: Let Go Hang On
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 24, 2011
Russell Brand's Letter to Amy Winehouse
Several people pointed this letter out to me today. Whether or not you're a fan of Russell, he knows about addiction - he was addicted to heroin and used it daily for 11 years. He was able to stop. Some of us can directly relate to his words, others, I hope will never have to experience what's its like to love an addict. But I think it helps to understand, and he describes it eloquently.
I'll share the main points here, if you'd like to read it in it's entirety, you can read it here.
The priority of any addict is to anaesthetise the pain of living to ease the passage of the day with some purchased relief.
When you love someone who suffers from the disease of addiction you await the phone call. There will be a phone call. The sincere hope is that the call will be from the addict themselves, telling you they've had enough, that they’re ready to stop, ready to try something new. Of course though, you fear the other call, the sad nocturnal chime from a friend or relative telling you it’s too late, she’s gone. It is impossible to intervene.
Winehouse and I shared an affliction, the disease of addiction. All addicts, regardless of the substance or their social status share a consistent and obvious symptom; they’re not quite present when you talk to them. They communicate to you through a barely discernible but un-ignorable veil.
Addiction is a serious disease; it will end with jail, mental institutions or death. I was 27 years old when through the friendship and help of Chip Somers of the treatment centre, Focus12 I found recovery, through Focus I was introduced to support fellowships for alcoholics and drug addicts which are very easy to find and open to anybody with a desire to stop drinking and without which I would not be alive.
All we can do is adapt the way we view this condition, not as a crime or a romantic affectation but as a disease that will kill. We need to review the way society treats addicts, not as criminals but as sick people in need of care. We need to look at the way our government funds rehabilitation. It is cheaper to rehabilitate an addict than to send them to prison, so criminalisation doesn’t even make economic sense. Not all of us know someone with the incredible talent that Amy had but we all know drunks and junkies and they all need help and the help is out there. All they have to do is pick up the phone and make the call. Or not. Either way, there will be a phone call.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
I'll share the main points here, if you'd like to read it in it's entirety, you can read it here.
The priority of any addict is to anaesthetise the pain of living to ease the passage of the day with some purchased relief.
When you love someone who suffers from the disease of addiction you await the phone call. There will be a phone call. The sincere hope is that the call will be from the addict themselves, telling you they've had enough, that they’re ready to stop, ready to try something new. Of course though, you fear the other call, the sad nocturnal chime from a friend or relative telling you it’s too late, she’s gone. It is impossible to intervene.
Winehouse and I shared an affliction, the disease of addiction. All addicts, regardless of the substance or their social status share a consistent and obvious symptom; they’re not quite present when you talk to them. They communicate to you through a barely discernible but un-ignorable veil.
Addiction is a serious disease; it will end with jail, mental institutions or death. I was 27 years old when through the friendship and help of Chip Somers of the treatment centre, Focus12 I found recovery, through Focus I was introduced to support fellowships for alcoholics and drug addicts which are very easy to find and open to anybody with a desire to stop drinking and without which I would not be alive.
All we can do is adapt the way we view this condition, not as a crime or a romantic affectation but as a disease that will kill. We need to review the way society treats addicts, not as criminals but as sick people in need of care. We need to look at the way our government funds rehabilitation. It is cheaper to rehabilitate an addict than to send them to prison, so criminalisation doesn’t even make economic sense. Not all of us know someone with the incredible talent that Amy had but we all know drunks and junkies and they all need help and the help is out there. All they have to do is pick up the phone and make the call. Or not. Either way, there will be a phone call.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 23, 2011
The 27 Club
Today another musician became a member of "The 27 Club". Many people think of this "club" as being only four very famous musicians, Jimi, Janis, Jim and Kurt. But, there have been 9 deaths at this age and most relate to drugs, specifically heroin.
When I told Keven that Amy Winehouse died, his first question was "did she OD on heroin?" I told him I didn't know yet, but its a strong possibility. He said it very matter-of-factly. I think most heroin addicts have friends or acquaintences who have died from an overdose. I know Keven had one close friend and several acquaintances.
Its part of the lifestyle.
Its accepted as a risk.
Its like we know driving a car carries a risk - we could get in an accident and die. But we don't stop driving, its part of life.
And for addicts, they don't stop using, its part of their life, a big part.
I know I'm just rambling here. I always get very depressed when musicians die, especially under these circumstances. I was not a big fan of Amy's, but I've always felt that she had a true talent and a unique style. She just got started....but fell so fast and so hard, and now she's gone.
Now we get to hear all the media and talk shows asking why someone so talented and successful turned to drugs. Sigh. Some people will never get it. There doesn't have to be a reason, you try it, you become addicted and its your life.
But it doesn't have to be - Recovery Happens.
All these musicians were 27 when they died:
I can't leave out sweet, special, Shannon Hoon of Blind Melon, ( he often joked that he would be the next member of the “27 Club”. He died of an accidental heroin/cocaine overdoe three weeks after his birthday. Shannon was 28.)
- Jimi Hendrix (accidental drug overdose that caused asphyxiation of vomit)
- Jim Morrison (heart attack induced by drug abuse) used heroin & other drugs
- Janis Joplin (heroin overdose)
- Brian Jones, Rolling Stones, (drowned in pool while intoxicated)
- Allen Wilson, Canned Heat (suicide, barbituate overdose)
- Pete Hamm, Badfinger, (suicide)
- Ron McKernan, Grateful Dead (liver disease from alcohol abuse)
- Kurt Cobain, Nirvana, (suicide) used heroin & other drugs
- Amy Winehouse, (yet to be determined....) used heroin & other drugs
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 21, 2011
Sorry for the inconvenience....
I put my blog on private for a day because I was going to go through and remove any and everything that had to do with Ant. I chose to leave it all and only remove the information I shared here the other day about the latest "news". I didn't feel comfortable having that news in a public area so I took it off.
Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time because I was a wreck worrying about the possible repercussions of my actions...I was concerned for the safety of my family.
The important thing is: its over. He's out of my life. He's out of Keven's life. I will admit, I still love the kid. I can't help myself.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time because I was a wreck worrying about the possible repercussions of my actions...I was concerned for the safety of my family.
The important thing is: its over. He's out of my life. He's out of Keven's life. I will admit, I still love the kid. I can't help myself.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 19, 2011
Someone Has Faith in My Son...
Went to court this morning to see what would happen THIS TIME. I have never seen anyone get so many "last chances" and I like to think its because they see it in him - they see that he can DO IT and they think this time he's ready. Let's hope so.
They are allowing him to go back to "United". Our attorney told me that it was the letter I wrote the judge that was the determining factor, and I meant every word of that letter sincerely. Basically I spelled out the changes he's made in the last three years and reminded her of the 2009 version of Keven compared to the 2011.
He will have to wait in jail till a county bed opens because we are not willing to pay for a private bed. Could be up to 3 months, but I hope not, sitting around playing cards all day is not a productive use of his time. He's in the barracks this time so its a big open room and you can socialize, so if he does have to wait a few months at least he won't be in a cell.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
They are allowing him to go back to "United". Our attorney told me that it was the letter I wrote the judge that was the determining factor, and I meant every word of that letter sincerely. Basically I spelled out the changes he's made in the last three years and reminded her of the 2009 version of Keven compared to the 2011.
He will have to wait in jail till a county bed opens because we are not willing to pay for a private bed. Could be up to 3 months, but I hope not, sitting around playing cards all day is not a productive use of his time. He's in the barracks this time so its a big open room and you can socialize, so if he does have to wait a few months at least he won't be in a cell.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 15, 2011
Thank you....
Geez, sometimes I wonder if I am blind about my own life. Thank you all for comments that reminded me why I should not be involved in Ant's life anymore. I just said a few days ago I was done with him, then turn around and consider helping the police catch him. DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would have left the same types of comments to any of you, but when it comes to my life, I let my heart lead instead of my head. I've always been that way and in some cases, its appropriate, but in many its downright dumb.
I guess when it comes to my boys, especially Keven, my mind says all the right things but he lives inside my heart so even when I force my thoughts away from him, he's still in there. I feel him (his pain, my worry, etc.) at all times.
I continue to be a work in process. Thanks for the comments that felt like someone waving their hand in front of my face and saying "Helloooo, is anybody in there? Earth to Barbara!" :)
You are all the best.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
I would have left the same types of comments to any of you, but when it comes to my life, I let my heart lead instead of my head. I've always been that way and in some cases, its appropriate, but in many its downright dumb.
I guess when it comes to my boys, especially Keven, my mind says all the right things but he lives inside my heart so even when I force my thoughts away from him, he's still in there. I feel him (his pain, my worry, etc.) at all times.
I continue to be a work in process. Thanks for the comments that felt like someone waving their hand in front of my face and saying "Helloooo, is anybody in there? Earth to Barbara!" :)
You are all the best.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 14, 2011
I Need A Break!!!
I am distraught. If you knew me "BH" (before heroin) you would know that I lived a very calm, peaceful lifestyle as opposed to one full of drama and crisis. But now, well you know how it is.
Today, I had eye surgery (thanks for all the well wishes on FB!). No, not to look better, unfortunately, it was just on one eyelid to remove a suspicious lesion. Now I have half my eyelid stitched together, its swollen, red and hurts.
So in the midst of trying to relax and ice my eye, I am being inundated with phone calls from various people because the police are out to get Anthony today, they've been making their rounds and want to hide out at my house and have me lure him over here.
I agreed to try only because Anthony belongs in prison. With him there so many lives would be better, safer, less stressful, etc. Apparently he's been selling and "several people" have recently been negatively effected by him. The cops would not elaborate.
The thing is - he was JUST HERE but I refused to see him, I left his iPod on the front porch. So to get him back here won't be easy. Plus - do I really want to be that involved? I am trying to disengage myself from this drama, not be in the center of it.
As far as Keven goes - he's never been so upset in jail before, he's a wreck wondering what it going to happen. I know on one hand he may deserve that, but I hate knowing he's got himself so worked up, its really bad for him with his mental issues.
If I got vacation time - I'd be heading out soon for a quiet stay in a cabin by a lake....
Hope and Love, Barbara
Today, I had eye surgery (thanks for all the well wishes on FB!). No, not to look better, unfortunately, it was just on one eyelid to remove a suspicious lesion. Now I have half my eyelid stitched together, its swollen, red and hurts.
So in the midst of trying to relax and ice my eye, I am being inundated with phone calls from various people because the police are out to get Anthony today, they've been making their rounds and want to hide out at my house and have me lure him over here.
I agreed to try only because Anthony belongs in prison. With him there so many lives would be better, safer, less stressful, etc. Apparently he's been selling and "several people" have recently been negatively effected by him. The cops would not elaborate.
The thing is - he was JUST HERE but I refused to see him, I left his iPod on the front porch. So to get him back here won't be easy. Plus - do I really want to be that involved? I am trying to disengage myself from this drama, not be in the center of it.
As far as Keven goes - he's never been so upset in jail before, he's a wreck wondering what it going to happen. I know on one hand he may deserve that, but I hate knowing he's got himself so worked up, its really bad for him with his mental issues.
If I got vacation time - I'd be heading out soon for a quiet stay in a cabin by a lake....
Hope and Love, Barbara
Good, Its about time!
Just the other day I asked a cop why on earth every drug user knew where to go in Santa Ana to buy drugs but the dealers never seemed to get busted. He told me they didn't waste their time on the dealers because the second one was put in jail, he/she would be replaced. He said they were working at getting the big guys - the guys that worked with the Mexican Mafia that ran the whole operation.
So I was quite surprised to see this in my local paper. It took them TWO YEARS of undercover operations to catch all these guys, but they got 100 of them.
Will it make a difference to the buyers of the drugs? I don't know, but one can only hope. Somehow I doubt it.
Here is the article if interested: 100 Arrested in gang, Mexican Mafia crackdown.
"The multiple arrests, which officials said included “soldiers” and the top echelon of the criminal organization, will deal a “staggering and comprehensive blow,” U.S. attorney representative said."
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 12, 2011
Continuing Saga of the Latest Arrest
He had court today. I didn't go and haven't spoken to him. We still have our wonderful attorney but after this case, if he picks up a new one, we are done dishing out money.
So our attorney called and gave me the lowdown. The Judge was not as mad as she thought she would be, that's good. She didn't want to make any decisions so she held him over till next week. They like Keven, they care about him and they don't want to punish him - they want to do what's best. BUT, there comes a point where you've done all you can. In my opinion he ran out of chances a few "last chances" ago but I am glad they are the experts and know what they're doing. I trust them.
Keven may have lied about something and so now the test is: will he tell the total truth. If he lies he's done.
When he was a young child all the way up to drugs, he was always honest. I taught him from an early age that no matter what the circumstances were, the truth was always the right choice and lying usually made matters much worse. I also told him if he told me the truth (like if he did something wrong) that I may be mad, but I would still be able to trust him.
Since it was just him and me, we were always super close. He HATED for me to be disappointed in him more than anything. It would devastate his little boy heart.
That was long ago. Now there's an addict living in my son, and the addict will cheat, lie, steal or manipulate to protect himself and to achieve his goal: to keep using.
It hard to believe this charming little sweetie pie is sitting in jail with three years (so far) of his life wasted on drugs. It hurts.
So our attorney called and gave me the lowdown. The Judge was not as mad as she thought she would be, that's good. She didn't want to make any decisions so she held him over till next week. They like Keven, they care about him and they don't want to punish him - they want to do what's best. BUT, there comes a point where you've done all you can. In my opinion he ran out of chances a few "last chances" ago but I am glad they are the experts and know what they're doing. I trust them.
Keven may have lied about something and so now the test is: will he tell the total truth. If he lies he's done.
When he was a young child all the way up to drugs, he was always honest. I taught him from an early age that no matter what the circumstances were, the truth was always the right choice and lying usually made matters much worse. I also told him if he told me the truth (like if he did something wrong) that I may be mad, but I would still be able to trust him.
Since it was just him and me, we were always super close. He HATED for me to be disappointed in him more than anything. It would devastate his little boy heart.
That was long ago. Now there's an addict living in my son, and the addict will cheat, lie, steal or manipulate to protect himself and to achieve his goal: to keep using.
It hard to believe this charming little sweetie pie is sitting in jail with three years (so far) of his life wasted on drugs. It hurts.
my little man :)
OH! I just remembered. Anthony's grandmother called me to say that Ant had called her to "say goodbye". He was totally strung out and threatening suicide. We talked about how this was typical behavior for him and that it was probably not a real threat. I haven't heard anything today. The eerie thing is I had just told Keven Monday on the way to jail that I had a feeling we'd be attending Ant's funeral soon....
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
July 11, 2011
International Overdose
Awareness Day:
Vigil - August 31, 2011
A New PATH (Parents for Addiction Treatment &
Healing)
invites you to join us at a vigil on Aug. 31, 2011
as we remember & honor individuals who have lost
their lives to overdose, and to the failed war on drugs.
When: August 31, 2011 7pm
Where: St.
Paul
Why: Accidental
fatal overdose is the leading cause of injury-related death in the US
We encourage sensible solutions such as increased
access to overdose reversal medication naloxone & implementing Good
Samaritan 911 policies.
Be a part of Moms United to End the War on Drugs
National Campaign! Mothers and others are leading the charge to stop the
violence, mass incarceration and overdose deaths that are the result of current
punitive and discriminatory drug policies. We advocate for therapeutic drug
policies that reduce the harms of drugs and current drug laws.
Join us at www.momsunited.net
or www.anewpathsite.org.
For info: 619-670-1184
July 10, 2011
The "One Last Chance" That Really Was
My computer is messed up so this will be short:
Keven's PO has informed him he needs to show up in the morning to be arrested (the warrant is STILL not in the system) and then Tuesday he will go to court to be terminated from the program.
We don't know how much time he will serve. I kind of hope at least 6 months but it would be nice if he could be home for the Holidays for once.
The journey continues......
Thanks again for all the encouragement, prayers and support. I literally would not be getting through this if I was alone.
UPDATE: DAMN IT! His attorney just told him she can't get him county time, he will get prison time instead of jail time. Prison is FULL OF HEROIN. Please pray that the judge will see how this is not a good idea for him. Anthony used the whole time he was in....he could come out worse than he is now.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
P.S. Shocking news! Anthony disappeared from his detox the other night and no one knows where he is. Keven and I agreed he can't be in our lives. I've made that decision before, but this time its not even a question of "should I?", I already did. I will be available to him by phone to listen but that's as far as I can go.
July 9, 2011
Here's The Latest...
Ok. Last night he called right after I posted the last update. He was at jail and they would NOT take him because his warrant was not in the system yet. So he asked me to pick him up and drive him to a detox because that was the only alternative he had. His PO wanted him in jail OR in a detox.
I agreed to pick him up because I always support him in trying to do the right thing.
I left the house at 12:30 am and got back at 3:45 am. We drove to three detoxes and two had no beds, the third wanted to charge us $800 a night for a minumum of 6 nights. So then we went to a hospital that had a detox and after doing the initial paperwork they said to come back in ten hours because there was no one there to do insurance stuff.
At this point I was literally feeling sick so we came home and went to bed. He is not suppose to be there but he has proof of how hard he tried to do the right thing.
I slept for 5 hours and now we have to go back to the hospital to check him in. Unless he decides to try jail again, but I doubt he will choose that.
I am disappointed that we could not get him help last night :(
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
I agreed to pick him up because I always support him in trying to do the right thing.
I left the house at 12:30 am and got back at 3:45 am. We drove to three detoxes and two had no beds, the third wanted to charge us $800 a night for a minumum of 6 nights. So then we went to a hospital that had a detox and after doing the initial paperwork they said to come back in ten hours because there was no one there to do insurance stuff.
At this point I was literally feeling sick so we came home and went to bed. He is not suppose to be there but he has proof of how hard he tried to do the right thing.
I slept for 5 hours and now we have to go back to the hospital to check him in. Unless he decides to try jail again, but I doubt he will choose that.
I am disappointed that we could not get him help last night :(
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 8, 2011
He's still out there somewhere...
7:30 am this morning - he promises me he will turn himself in soon.
Twenty texts and or calls later he is still promising
11:50 pm - he still hasn't done it.
I think its very obvious what he's doing. My main concern is that he's had this SHIT out of his system for six months and now he's putting himself in jeopardy of an overdose, of getting dope sick and of getting right back into a daily habit.
I can't tell if I am more angry or scared. I am going to take an extra sleeping pill and crash for the night. I hope I have good news in the morning.
THANKS AGAIN TO THE INCREDIBLE CARING COMMENTS YOU HAVE LEFT. It brings me to tears when I realize how fortunate I am to have come into this blog community back in the summer of '09.
Peace, Hope and LOTS OF Love, Barbara
Update on "He Used"
Thanks for the warm and caring response to my last post. When I say "I don't know what I'd do without the support of this community of bloggers" I mean it LITERALLY. I think I'd probably be in a fetal position under all my blankets hiding from life. Its not just the encouraging words, its also the years of combined experience that help me more than I can say. So thanks again for being here for me. I really don't have many friends and none that I can discuss this topic with, you just can't get it unless you've lived it.
Ok, so here's the latest. His PO is awesome. I love having a team of people that actually know and care about my son and have the ability to throw his ass in jail. PO went to his girlfriends house, tested her (she was clean, she has not been with him since the weekend) and went through her phone. She got the numbers Keven's been using and is going to call him (she just called and told me this). She is telling him if he does not turn himself in within an hour he's going to regret it big time. She is giving him this opportunity to show her that he is more interested in recovery than in getting high. So if he passes that test and turns himself in, I can be a peace (for the moment). If not - who knows. Gina also told me that they "lost" another guy just last week, he was 29 and was a husband with a 9 month old baby at home. OD'd. Dead. She said she told Keven that story just yesterday but stories don't seem to help.
Did Blogger change their format for posting? It looks much different.
Thanks again, I'll let you know when I get the familiar call "This is Global Tel Link, you are receiving a call from an inmate at Santa Ana Central Jail complex, __________, (insert Keven's voice saying his name). You have $20.00 credit on your account, press pound to accept this call....etc." That damn recording is so familiar to me, but its also comforting at times.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Ok, so here's the latest. His PO is awesome. I love having a team of people that actually know and care about my son and have the ability to throw his ass in jail. PO went to his girlfriends house, tested her (she was clean, she has not been with him since the weekend) and went through her phone. She got the numbers Keven's been using and is going to call him (she just called and told me this). She is telling him if he does not turn himself in within an hour he's going to regret it big time. She is giving him this opportunity to show her that he is more interested in recovery than in getting high. So if he passes that test and turns himself in, I can be a peace (for the moment). If not - who knows. Gina also told me that they "lost" another guy just last week, he was 29 and was a husband with a 9 month old baby at home. OD'd. Dead. She said she told Keven that story just yesterday but stories don't seem to help.
Did Blogger change their format for posting? It looks much different.
Thanks again, I'll let you know when I get the familiar call "This is Global Tel Link, you are receiving a call from an inmate at Santa Ana Central Jail complex, __________, (insert Keven's voice saying his name). You have $20.00 credit on your account, press pound to accept this call....etc." That damn recording is so familiar to me, but its also comforting at times.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 7, 2011
He Used
Keven used.
Almost 6 months clean.
He will be kicked out of "United" and possibly out of Recovery Court.
He has not turned himself in yet.
I don't know where he is but I am begging him to turn himself in before this gets worse for him.
He said he has never regretted anything as much as this. He's been so happy. He feels terrible.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
Nothing much else to say.
P.S. Please "pray" for me (whatever that means to you). If Keven turns himself in I will support him by writing him in jail, visiting, putting some money on his books for essentials, letting him call home.
If he chooses not to --- I will not help him in any way, I will not do anything for him at all. I don't know if I am strong enough for that, but I know its the right thing to do in this situation,. I've done all I can for him the last three years. I have been told to turn my back on him but never did. But this time, if he chooses to run and not take responsibility, I will turn my back on him because I need to --- for myself and for his own good. Damn it I hate this life!!! I hate it. Things were GREAT. But, you know how it is: every day you know in the back of your mind that it can all come crashing down, and it often does.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Almost 6 months clean.
He will be kicked out of "United" and possibly out of Recovery Court.
He has not turned himself in yet.
I don't know where he is but I am begging him to turn himself in before this gets worse for him.
He said he has never regretted anything as much as this. He's been so happy. He feels terrible.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
Nothing much else to say.
P.S. Please "pray" for me (whatever that means to you). If Keven turns himself in I will support him by writing him in jail, visiting, putting some money on his books for essentials, letting him call home.
If he chooses not to --- I will not help him in any way, I will not do anything for him at all. I don't know if I am strong enough for that, but I know its the right thing to do in this situation,. I've done all I can for him the last three years. I have been told to turn my back on him but never did. But this time, if he chooses to run and not take responsibility, I will turn my back on him because I need to --- for myself and for his own good. Damn it I hate this life!!! I hate it. Things were GREAT. But, you know how it is: every day you know in the back of your mind that it can all come crashing down, and it often does.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 6, 2011
More Info on the Epidemic of Opiate Addiction and the Disease of Addiction
I found this article very interesting. It talks about how physicians are limited to treating only 30 patients at a time with Suboxone (or similar opiate blockers) while they can prescribe opiates as much as they want!
You can read it on Psych Central, here.
Another related post from that site, also by Dr. Junig, says ".... why addiction is best considered a disease or medical illness, showing that the characteristics of addiction that are similar to those of other chronic diseases. The fact that addiction is a disease is no revelation to anyone who works in the field, yet there seems to be a collective blind spot among physicians when it comes to treating addiction like other diseases." The rest can be read here.
Another related post from that site, also by Dr. Junig, says ".... why addiction is best considered a disease or medical illness, showing that the characteristics of addiction that are similar to those of other chronic diseases. The fact that addiction is a disease is no revelation to anyone who works in the field, yet there seems to be a collective blind spot among physicians when it comes to treating addiction like other diseases." The rest can be read here.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 5, 2011
Another Ant Update
Deep sigh.
Anthony went into Detox Sunday night.
He was kicked out within hours because he had a phone.
BUT....he took himself to UCI Medical Center and checked into their week long detox! For him, this is a positive step...he didn't go out on a binge, he chose to continue on his quest to get better.
Of course the other side of the coin is - why did he have a phone if he knew it could get him kicked out?
There is really no point to trying to figure out anything an addict does or says. You just sit back and watch, and pray, and hope for the best.
I swear I can see Keven going backwards in his responsibility and maturity since the girl is in the picture. I am not blaming her, I like her, I'm just saying, it takes his focus OFF recovery and puts it on "romance".
Its 9 pm...time to turn on my porch light in memory of Caylee.
No justice for this sweet little girl.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Anthony went into Detox Sunday night.
He was kicked out within hours because he had a phone.
BUT....he took himself to UCI Medical Center and checked into their week long detox! For him, this is a positive step...he didn't go out on a binge, he chose to continue on his quest to get better.
Of course the other side of the coin is - why did he have a phone if he knew it could get him kicked out?
There is really no point to trying to figure out anything an addict does or says. You just sit back and watch, and pray, and hope for the best.
I swear I can see Keven going backwards in his responsibility and maturity since the girl is in the picture. I am not blaming her, I like her, I'm just saying, it takes his focus OFF recovery and puts it on "romance".
Its 9 pm...time to turn on my porch light in memory of Caylee.
No justice for this sweet little girl.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 3, 2011
Not so great day
I'm exhausted.
Keven asked me if I could pick him and his gf up for his day pass, so I did and they hung out over here most of the day then went out to lunch. While he was gone, Anthony called with good news - a bed finally opened for him at the Detox located in the adjacent rehab that Kev is in. To make a long story short, I ended up doing his laundry for him and bringing it up there. He's been homeless for a month, so I felt doing his laundry was a nice gesture. So I sat there while they did his paperwork, I'm his emergency contact, he introduced me as his mom. I hope he does it this time but I've learned better than to get my hopes too high where he's concerned.
He has such a sweet baby face. I could see the desperation in his eyes. He said he really wants this. I hope so.
So then I drove back here, stopped for gas and (don't laugh!) drove off with the nozzle still in my gas tank! I ripped it off the pump. I stopped my car and set it aside and looked around (knowing I'd have to pay for it) no one saw me. I decided to be honest anyhow. $194.00!
Then I came home to let the dogs out before I went to my brother's for a BBQ and ended up letting one of the cats house. So now I am sitting here hoping he comes back in. No BBQ for me. Can't leave with Black Jack on the loose.
I just want to go to sleep. Keven seemed good, and now maybe Ant will get some help (they kept calling him Tony and I was wondering who the heck Tony was!). They probably won't see each other much, and I'm not too worried about that.
I just needed to vent.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Keven asked me if I could pick him and his gf up for his day pass, so I did and they hung out over here most of the day then went out to lunch. While he was gone, Anthony called with good news - a bed finally opened for him at the Detox located in the adjacent rehab that Kev is in. To make a long story short, I ended up doing his laundry for him and bringing it up there. He's been homeless for a month, so I felt doing his laundry was a nice gesture. So I sat there while they did his paperwork, I'm his emergency contact, he introduced me as his mom. I hope he does it this time but I've learned better than to get my hopes too high where he's concerned.
He has such a sweet baby face. I could see the desperation in his eyes. He said he really wants this. I hope so.
So then I drove back here, stopped for gas and (don't laugh!) drove off with the nozzle still in my gas tank! I ripped it off the pump. I stopped my car and set it aside and looked around (knowing I'd have to pay for it) no one saw me. I decided to be honest anyhow. $194.00!
Then I came home to let the dogs out before I went to my brother's for a BBQ and ended up letting one of the cats house. So now I am sitting here hoping he comes back in. No BBQ for me. Can't leave with Black Jack on the loose.
I just want to go to sleep. Keven seemed good, and now maybe Ant will get some help (they kept calling him Tony and I was wondering who the heck Tony was!). They probably won't see each other much, and I'm not too worried about that.
I just needed to vent.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 2, 2011
His First Day Pass
Tomorrow Keven gets his first all day pass to live "United". In all the previous rehabs he's been on, a day pass meant that I would pick him up, he'd spend the day with family and friends down here, then I'd take him back.
Not this time.
This time he is taking the bus with his new girlfriend and they are going to the movies, etc. etc.
I was excited that for once he didn't have a girl in his life. They say in the first year of recovery you should not get involved in a relationship and I think that's a wise suggestion. ESPECIALLY if both people are addicts and like the same drug.
There's nothing I can do about it, so I accept it. But it sure ramps up the worry a few notches. With relationships come emotions and with emotions come upsets and with upsets comes urges to use that are stronger than the day to day urges already being felt.
This girl is older, so maybe that will make a difference. I won't say how much older, I'm still trying to process that. Older women seem to like him for some reason. Sigh.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
July 1, 2011
"Parents Talk Heroin and Kids and Death"
Once again my thanks go out to Dave Whiting of The Orange County Register. After writing last week's article Dave was deeply touched by the stories he heard and realized the need to get the word out in our area. I've told him his articles may save lives. I wish I would have known I was not alone back in 2008 when I first discovered Keven was using. Eventually I met the parents who read here and without you, well, I honestly don't know how I would have made it through.
I hope that some parents in OC find my blog and introduce themselves, I would love to connect with them.
I am quoted in the article (you can read it here), and he also posted this photo. It was taken when Keven was being let out of jail for the first time and his PO was coming over to inspect his room. I had already searched his room and thrown out all the other paraphernalia (that's why there are no spoons in this photo) so ALL OF THIS was what he had hidden so deep I could not find it until he told me where to pull up the carpet, which pockets to look in, and a few other hidden places!!!
Sorry, I know this photo hurts to look at for some of you. I still feel uncomfortable when I see an empty balloon or any type of foil. Click to make photo larger.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
I hope that some parents in OC find my blog and introduce themselves, I would love to connect with them.
Welcome to anyone from OC!
I am quoted in the article (you can read it here), and he also posted this photo. It was taken when Keven was being let out of jail for the first time and his PO was coming over to inspect his room. I had already searched his room and thrown out all the other paraphernalia (that's why there are no spoons in this photo) so ALL OF THIS was what he had hidden so deep I could not find it until he told me where to pull up the carpet, which pockets to look in, and a few other hidden places!!!
Sorry, I know this photo hurts to look at for some of you. I still feel uncomfortable when I see an empty balloon or any type of foil. Click to make photo larger.
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
