I was talking to my ex-boyfriend on the phone earlier and he asked how K was. He made a remark about how poorly K had treated me in the past, the mean and hurtful things he had said to me at times. I was taken aback for a moment because I have not thought about that at all recently.
K has been polite, considerate, slightly affectionate, agreeable. I blame it on the drugs! (the medications he's on not the illegal kind). But seriously, he is not the same young man who was so angry and prone to outbursts of rage.
Who is this young man? What is my son really like?
I'd say the last two years have been so drug-infused that its impossible to separate who he really is from who the drugs created him to be. During the time he should have been maturing and developing into an adult, he was numbing himself and running from reality.
The last six months have been drug free. 90 days in jail. 90 days in rehab, the last 45 days seeing a GOOD doctor that is monitoring his medications closely and actually spends time talking to him instead of pushing pills at him like the last one.
I don't know if K knows himself right now. I think he's gained confidence, has some hope, has learned tools for recovery and has a calmness he's never had before. I guess I'll have to patiently wait and see who emerges as time goes on. I know the meds are keeping his true self to emerge, but, without them, he would not even have the opportunity to get this far. I believe he would not have been around much longer living in his previous state of mind and living that lifestyle.
No matter what, I could not possibly love him any more, or any less, than I always have and always will.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
(Painting by Jim Dandy)
6 comments:
My brother was horrible to my mother as a young adult on drugs. Part of it was the drugs and part of it was his own personality. Although the drugs play a part in it, don't make excuses for bad behavior and don't allow it to continue. My brother is in his 50's now and although not a drug user per se, he is an alcoholic and has let that ruin his life. He just received his umpteenth dui and will probably go to prison on this one. His home was foreclosed on a couple of years ago and he can no longer find work. He did have years where he was functioning somewhat normally, but would never accept the fact that alcohol was a problem. Somewhere along the way he stopped treating my mother like crap (probably because it was not her personality to accept it and she challenged him on it.) Mostly he avoids my parents altogether because it's too hard to hide his failures from them.
This does not have to be Keven, but I think you should ask more from him at this point in life. He is able to do more and now there are no (illegal) drugs in his system. Expect more from him and let him know what that is. Set boundaries for yourself and for him. I can't wait to see how Keven does on his own now. I hope he does well.
Lacey, I hope he does well too. He still has a lot of challenges to face but I am remaining hopeful.
Ms. Hen, my ex bf wasn't being critical, just stating a fact, he's actually a nice guy just not the right guy for me (although he would disagree :)
I'm doing my best to concentrate on the here and now - for example, today its raining and I am loving it, its a gentle sweet rain.
Lou, so true about the loving. I'm glad Andrew never cussed at you, its a horrible feeling especially coming from an intimidating male that is high on drugs. I had to call the cops once and have him arrested. :(
Tomorrow is a new day. You don't need to put up with that anymore. Just make it understood from the beginning and stand by it. I think Keven will rise to your expectations and I hope he will like the young man he is becoming enough to leave the old one behind.
Awesome, good luck for the 17th:), thinking of you. Sounds to me like he's trying to figure it all out, or something such. Don't be too hard on yourself. Peace
No need to walk on eggshells around him Barbara. Keven probably had no love or respect for himself, hence he had none that was obvious for you either when he was using. Today though, keep your boundaries and take care of yourself.
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