Tattoo by Ant
He's 22. At age 12 he started getting high with his dad, weed and speed.
He was first incarcerated at age 14 for grand theft (his dad let him take the rap for a stolen car).
When he was 10, his mom was in a meth lab explosion, 80% of her body was burned, she spent months recovering...but it still didn't stop her from using.
When he was 13, his mom took her motorcycle for a ride while under the influence of meth and crashed into a truck, dying instantly.
I know the belief is that we don't cause our children to become addicts. I agree with that - but I also agree that some parents DO influence their children's choices. Anthony never really had a chance.
He came over today. He was high (weed) but that's just one step closer to using heroin again.
I can't sit by and watch him kill himself or end up in prison like his mom and dad. I want to protect him, love him into recovery, build up his self worth, show him how valuable he is, give him confidence and hope...but I can't. I know that.
I have to tell him not to come over anymore. I don't know how I am going to say the words. I can barely type them. Its heartbreaking.
My son understands and agrees with this decision, its his decision as well. He can't be around his "brother" if he's using or wanting to use. He (K) is determined to stay clean. I see the disappointment and sadness in his eyes when we talk about Ant. He knows. He knows better than I know.
I think the saddest part to me is that Ant has a 2 year old son. We talked a lot about him recently and he felt like he was ready to be a "good father". That was only a few weeks ago. And now...he's heading back down the path of self destruction.
11 comments:
I wish that it could be easier for all of you wonderful people out there that love an addict. Again, I cannot stress enough, that the underlying reasons that allow the mental addiction to being high, need to be resolved (and only the addict can accomplish that) in addition the the choice of abstinence and the treatment of the physical addiction.
Every addict has to come to terms with the fact that overcoming an addiction takes work and lost of it. If it were as easy as using/not using, then so many more people would be successful. Abstinence and withdrawals are painful, but being able to deal with everything thats left while substance free is painful too.
Trying to convince someone that they should chose being in pain when they are used to being numb is challenging to say the least. Often it is not the actual desire to get clean, stay clean, and recover, but rather the desire to quit having consequences from the addiction.
You have to do what is right for you and continue to only enable recovery, not addiction.
big (((((HUGS))))))
sorry for all the typos- can't get used to the laptop keyboard grrr
Everytime they relapse,
they are one step closer to death or... recovery and not going down that path never again.
Take care lovely Barbara
god bless ya
OMG! I had no idea that photo on here was so huge when I did this on my laptop. I'm making it smaller.
Thank you all for these great comments. Just to be clean - Ant has never blamed his parents. He adored his mother and never says a harsh word about her (hid dad, not so much). I guess my point was more my personal anger at them - - and the tragedy of seeing how he may be perpetuating the same for his own child.
gotta go...more later.
I know that you will do what is right for you. And in doing so that will help Keven and Ant. There is no amount of love or caring that can fix an alcoholic or addict until they want to change with every fiber of their being.
Midnite, what you said makes total sense. Thank you for caring (and no worries about the typos! I make them and I am used to my keyboard.)
Thank you, Anon. I am taking care as best I can.
Lacey, His son lives with the ex gf who I believe is not an addict (God help that child if she is). Ant doesn't see him much. I am proud of Keven for wanting to stay away from his friend, but dang, its hard to see him having to hurt and worry about Ant on top of all his other stuff.
Lou, I think I answered your post by saying he doesn't blame his parents....but I do! But its certainly not a family problem, its the individual's problem.
Bond, I'm reading a great book on addiction (by a Blogger!) and he's got several pages based on the question "can I smoke weed?" the answer to that question is always NO!
Syd, boy that's for sure! If love could fix another person there wouldn't be many problems in the world today.
a million hugs Barbara..
Whew.. they say only 12% makes it..
And drugs were in his face always..
You have to keep Ant away from your home.. because Keven has to HEAL..
Sometimes you have to find JOY and let others go down their own path.. and concentrate on a HaPPier life with Keven and you... (i know you feel bad since you love Ant.. but you don't need to watch this.. it is too much)
poor kid.
Barbara, your comment about "wanting to love him into recovery" struck such a nerve with me. That has been my approach these last two years, and as I've sometimes defended my choices, I've always told myself I made the choices I did out of love. Today, with lots of learning and support, I've come to realize that I probably did more to enable his addiction than his recovery.
The other thing I've learned is...doing the right thing often hurts the worst. I know it will hurt to tell him why he can no longer come over; but telling him will help him to see and face the consequences of his choices. Someday that might be part of his path to true recovery. It is up to him...God is there to help him...but he has to want it and execute it.
My deepest appreciation and respect to you, and K for his hard work as you navigate this path with Ant. Hugs and God bless.
I agree Barbara that Keven doesn't need to deal with this on top of all he has going on. Unfortunately when he comes home, life will be there waiting for him and part of life is dealing with things that make us sad and uncomfortable. Hopefully he is getting some of the tools he needs to help him deal with things better. I pray that he will make it and keep his resolve. We are all rooting for him.
As for the being unable to resist impulsive urges, people choose not to resist them, just like people choose to continue to use. Is iT harder not to when you have messed up the chemical balance of your body? Absolutely, but there are people who break away and stay away without the help of other drugs. It obviously can be done.
Oh how I recognize those feelings you are having...this may not be necessarily helpful but I feel so comforted to know that I am not alone. That there are moms out there going through exactly what I am going through at this very moment. Know that I am thinking of you...and thank you so much for visiting my blog.
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