Update: Thanks for the comments :)
The issue was not really the shirt, it was the fact that something was not "as it should be" and it was causing stress and anxiety. I helped him look not because I didn't think he couldn't find it without my help, but because I just wanted to lend a hand. Someday the shirt will show up, but in the meantime he learned:
1) he was capable of getting through a difficult situation and
2) his mom was willing to join in the search rather than thinking it was just some silly old shirt. I've had to learn that his panic disorder is caused not by major life events (going to jail - no big deal, he can handle that) but by little everyday things "what if I'm late to meeting? where is my shirt? etc."
His new "Rage Against the Machine" t-shirt is missing.
This doesn't sound like a big deal, but he's obsessed with finding it and I just helped him look everywhere and can't find it either. He keeps saying "its not that big of a deal" but I can tell its one of those small things that feels huge to him.
Back when he was getting high I would never have helped him look for a shirt. I would have been mad that he was acting obsessed over it. I would have blamed it on the drugs and been disgusted. I would have been cold and indifferent and blamed him for losing something while under the influence.
But tonight watching him try so hard NOT to care about where the shirt is really got to me. I told him it was normal to get frustrated and not be able to find something, but I think he knows and I know that his "normal" is a bit different. He looked very concerned, yet remained totally calm. That in itself was unnerving, I am not used to this mellow, balanced Keven. It almost creeps me out, yet its so pleasant.
I find myself really, really wanting to find that shirt just to give him a little peace of mind. He's doing so well. I am proud of him. But its hard to see some of the things that are surfacing. This shirt issue seems so trivial, but I felt like sharing about it anyhow.
10 comments:
Got it completely. This kind of thing has sent me batty in the past, which I feel is part of my anxiety / irrationality. Moving on from this can be trying, head space wise. I tend to distract myself with something new, like going for a run. Resetting myself, but I’ll be the first to admit it. I’ll unpack the house to figure it out and eliminate the possibilities of where it could be. My sister is like me too. She says if you want to send her into a spin, hide her keys. I'm the same. A friend of mine recently has lent me a book called 'A new Earth / Eckhart Tolle' which is suppose to cure me of this, we'll see. But she is the same friend that has lost digital cameras, mobiles, sunglasses, clothes, bags, wallets, you name it she's lost it and does she care, she's fine. Awesome!!!. So maybe the book might help. She goes out and buys another one if she needs it, if not thats ok too. If the thing she loses turns up she has another. I'm not saying go out and buy a new Rage t-shirt but I'm not saying don't. This is something I'm working through myself, sorry about the long reply, all the best:)
Nothing is trivial if it give someone anxiety and then pushes some buttons of guilt. My hubby cannot keep track of things often. That is just the way it is. I don't know if it is the meds or what happens after 33 years of using and drinking. When his frustration level gets to a certain place, he asks me to help him find it and I am usually the one to find it. These kinds of activities don't consume whole days for us, but they are small events that happen often. I don't live inside him and I don't tell him what to do. For me, I try to put things back in the same place every time so I can find it again. It doesn't upset me that hubby doesn't practice this same principle, we are different people.
Welcome to my world! LOL
Just think how good he's gonna feel when he finds it. These are baby steps to acceptance and growth. He's changing...and that's a good thing!
For me, it's all about the little things. They are my undoing at times. They also touch me the most. Thanks for sharing your little things. Hugs.
I'm sure that it is nice to have a mellow balanced Keven. Good for him. And good for you to let him do his own looking for the shirt.
Hopefully the shirt turns up...or maybe you both go to a store and get a replacement...the obsessing is tough
Is this a new shirt that has been bought since he got out or is this one that went missing while he was in rehab?
Just trying to get the big picture here.
The little things in life are the pieces that tell me where I really am in terms of sanity.
I am glad he reflected calm in a state of difficulty and concern.
I am happy for him in this and always hoping for you!
Seriously? I get totally tweaked when I misplace a hairbrush or can't find my slippers. I thought that was normal. It makes me crazy. My husband almost always helps me look, god bless him. FYI, A NEW EARTH by Eckhart Tolle is a phenomenal book. It sounds like you are handling things with GRACE and COMPASSION, good for you. Love,
I am looking to cracking open A New Earth on the weekend :)
Ahhh, anxiety. I agree, it's often over the little things. Unfortunately, I can relate to this! :)
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