A Year Ago

I just looked back at an old blog post, prior to when I had one dedicated solely to Keven's addiction/recovery.  A year ago this week:

- I was complaining about how much I hated my job (got laid off two weeks later)

- Keven broke into the gun safe so I removed all of the guns from our house

- Keven stole money from me and smoked heroin in his room.  I was hanging out in his room with him last night, its neat.  It smells okay.  He had nothing in there hiding (I still search it when he's not around).

- I bought a plane ticket to Wisconsin to go visit a guy I thought was "the one" obviously that didn't work out.

- I finally told Keven's dad about his drug problem.  He never called again.  I waited another five months to call him and tell him Keven was in jail and he finally got a clue and decided to man up and they have been in contact ever since.

- My co-workers were slamming Obama in the lunchroom saying racist things about him and putting him down cause he went golfing.  They were comparing him to Tiger Woods because of their ethnicity.  One said "well at least Tiger married a white woman".  I have no idea what that meant by that.  I am SO GLAD I don't work around people like them anymore!

So what were you doing a year ago?

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Is "Coyote" a drug term?

I haven't heard it before but saw it written somewhere in a context that could refer to drugs.

Does anyone know of this term?

I looked it up and could not find it.

Thanks

My Boy and His Girl

Got some mail from Anthony today and he included a drawing he did of himself and his girlfriend.  As far as I know the tattoo is part of the drawing - not his real neck - but you never know.   I think he's a great artist!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Double Edged Sword of Dual Diagnosis

I've heard that consistent drug abuse can cause mental illness.  I've also heard that mental illness often leads to drug abuse (self-medicating).

My son has been diagnosed with bi-polar, panic disorder and major depressive disorder.  In his case I honestly believe that illness came before the addiction because as I look back over his life, I knew something was wrong when he was very young and tried to get him help. I accepted "depression" as a diagnosis and then contributed a lot of his behavior to normal "growing up".

But I knew.

Deep inside I have always known about the anger, the self-loathing, the fear, the panic, the uncontrollable feelings and thoughts that made his life miserable.

I am not beating myself up for not doing something sooner, but I have to wonder if I could have steered him away from drug addiction if I had been more aggressive about the other issues.

Now, in addition to struggling with bi-polar, etc., he has to fight the dope demon the rest of his life.

He wrote a few poems while in jail and asked me to type them for him today.  He let me see some of his deepest, most personal thoughts.  There were 8 typed pages of poetry.  (I type fast so it didn't take long).

Here is one he wrote that he turned in as a class project.  Luckily his teacher understands.  Do they ever stop feeling this way?  Will it ever stop?  The longing for this evil drug?

An Ode to Heroin

You are the one for me

You are my one and only

But you don’t love me

You really despise me

From innocent eyes

You give me false intention

From which my hatred rises

I need you now more than ever

But you mock me through your black veil

You are by my side

Again the cold leaves

Now you are gone

You left me so quickly

The sickness returns without you

You are the only one for me

You are my one and only

You are all I need

As of today, he has 8 months and 6 days.  We plan to celebrate on his "one year" which will be in August.

I remember Lou saying that she didn't count the days her son was in jail as "clean days" but in Keven's case, he needs all the encouragement he can to feel good about himself so 8 months, 6 days it is.Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Ban Oxy Rally a Success

Did you hear about this:

The first BAN OXYCONTIN rally was a HUGE SUCCESS. We urge all of you to have a rally in your towns and cities. We reached tens of thousands of people in the Tampa Bay Area and just think how many millions of people we could reach if everyone of you had a rally in your hometown. WE HAVE TO LET AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE KNOW THE DANGERS OF THIS DRUG!!!!

It was a beautiful April day and a group of around 40 people or more from all over the country gathered in front of a Tampa, Florida Pain Clinic for Florida's first "Ban OxyContin Rally." Most of the people that were protesting were relatives or friends of people who had either died from this drug or had been addicted. Many carried signs with pictures of their loved ones that had died. We were located on a very busy corner across the street from the University of South Florida and we had numerous motorists honking their horns in agreement with our "Ban OxyContin" signs. We also had pedestrians and motorists stop and ask questions concerning the dangers of OxyContin. Television news teams covered the rally bringing the message to tens of thousands of Bay Area viewers.

Article and video here.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

NAMI Class 7

Went to class tonight.  I looked like hell cause I had been crying but that trurned out to be good because it prompted one of the young women that leads the class (and just happens to have the same diagnosis as Keven) to come over and talk to me.  It was VERY helpful.

I have to keep being an advocate for my son and I am going to insist on going to the dr. with him and discussing med options.  He's on an SRI which is not helping the depression enough, he needs an SSRI.  Also one of the anti-psychotics is bothering him so much, I found one that may work that has less side effects.

And, thanks to Lori, I also was able to get his dr. to follow through on something he mentioned months ago but never did - test him for ADD/ADHD.  He has ADD.  No big shock there.  So HOPEFULLY those meds will help to.

So many meds.  It seems unnatural.  But living in an altered state of mind (when not on any drugs) is not natural either.  :(

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

We Are Depressed

He's very down, so am I.

I hate to say this, but sometimes I think it was "easier" when I could blame the drugs for his behavior, his moods.  Now that the drugs have been gone for 8 months he's left with mental illness.  He's been told that this will be a lifelong battle.  So is the desire to use drugs.

So now instead of wondering if he will OD or end up in jail I live with new worries:

- will he start using again?
- will he commit suicide?
- will he ever be able to enjoy his life?
- are the meds even working?

His doctor took him off Risperdol because of some very hard to live with side effects.  But then he had even worse symptoms which I will keep private (very scary).  So he put him back on Ripserdol saying "you could have a psychotic breakdown if you don't take these".  Then two days later (today) he is tested for ADD and put on a Strattera and taken off the Risperdol again.  Now he is even more scared, confused, angry and depressed.  And I don't blame him.

I am willing to give up my life to take care of my son if I have to - but I can't stand the thought of watching him suffer like this.  Maybe he doesn't even have a mental illness?  I don't really know what the f to do.  I am trying to keep my mind off all this but how can I when he's here, lying on his bed, despondent and refusing to talk to me?


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Computer Issues and An Update

Keven didn't say too much about the talk last night.  He's back to not talking me much.  He said it went well and that he told the woman leading it that everytime he'd shown up for the class (when he was in it) he was high.  She said that didn't suprise her.  I'm thinking:  why did you have to say that?  I guess it doesn't matter, but sometimes its as if he reminices about a lost love when discussing heroin and that makes me feel ill.

My computer is messed up.

Got a letter from Ant today and miss him SO MUCH.  I just want to squeeze him.  I sent in a visiting request form so maybe I can soon...

Will catch up on blogs later after I fix this computer issue which will keep me up all night if I don't :(  I NEED it to do my work tomorrow (at least I can get online)

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

He's Speaking Tonight

Well, in spite of his inner turmoil and confusion, Keven kept his "speaking engagement" and is talking to a group of teens about drug abuse.  This is the second time he's done that.  Last time was in front of a meeting at a rehab, this is a bit different - its for a drug diversion program for youth that's been arrested with first time drug offenses.  Lets hope he gets through to them - but realistically, he's been to them himself and it didn't stop him from using more and more and more.

He saw his psychiatrist today, I have no idea what was said but he seems less angry today.  I talked to his dr. this morning and TOLD him things even though he could not tell me jack (HIPPA).  At least he knows what's really going on.  I don't know if Kev would offer the info or not, but I feel better knowing the dr. knows.

Thanks for caring.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Blog Therapy!

If you've read here in the last posts you know the frame of mind I was in.  But I was still so curious and concerned about many of you I started going down the list checking up on all of you.


The first three blogs I read were all by women that made me smile and or laugh as they shared something fun - something non-related to the usual stuff.


So thanks Sherry for your dating adventures (we should write a book for women over 40 dating online....and how not to bother!), Lisa for your road trip to the Mojave, and Club 33 and Annette for the knitting club.

i wish i could turn back the clock and freeze time 

PS
I was thinking of combing my blogs again instead of trying to keep up with two, but when I took a poll over a year ago on my other blog if people would prefer not to hear about all the depressing stuff related to Kev and his addiction, they all many politely said "yes, you need a separate blog for that".  That's when I started a blog called "Needle and the Damage Done".  I changed the name to "Recovery Happens" when my son started to show signs of.... recovery!


Sometimes I feel like I am a MPB (multi-personality-blogger) and I am kind of tired of it.  I appreciated the ladies above reminding me I can write about any topic here....but I still think I will keep the two blogs for now.


PSS
For right now, things are calm here.  Keven let me hug him and I reminded him that he's gotten through tougher times and this too will pass - he just has to hang on tight.  I used the analogy of when I taught him how to Boogie Board when he was 6, if you let go the wave will take you under, toss you around and could possibly drown you, but if you HOLD ON TIGHT and DON'T Let Go, you will stay on top.  Of course at age 6 I never let him go way the hell in the ocean out there by himself, I waited till he was 7 for that :)  


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

A Small Thing

Thanks to all of you who have been commenting and helping me remain sane the last few days.

Someone said to focus on the small, positive things and one just happened:

He was replacing a doorknob and it was not working cause it was the wrong one.  I was on the other side holding it while he put the screws in.  I held my breath expecting an outburst of a fist through the wall.  He remained calm.  That is a actually a very BIG thing.


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Even more anger

I am scared.
Not to the point of calling the police or anything, but I will if I have to.  He finally told me that three weeks ago he woke up feeling the same way he used to feel when he was on drugs.  He is barely able to control himself but is trying.  We have another urgent appt. with his dr. tomorrow but last week's obviously didn't help.  He says he's taking his meds but I know he stopped one (on drs. approval).  Why does he have to suffer this way?  I blamed it all on the drugs but so much of it is the mental illness...which is means its with him for life even if he stays off drugs.

Why does life have to be like this?

I feel sick.  I don't know what to do.  I am trying not to worry.  I just don't know what he's capable of doing.  He is aware that he doesn't want to be this way.  I see it in his eyes - he's even more scared than me.





Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Anger

He's so full of anger again.
He'll hardly say a word to me.
This is how it used to be.
I know he's not using.
He asked to see both his doctors.
The worry never ends does it?
I am so tired.
I have to go to work now.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Addict at Ten

I was emailing with a friend of mine today, Bob, and told him that Anthony's latest letter declared that he had "asked Christ into his life".  I used to be a very devoted Christian myself, but its a tough subject for me.  I asked Bob if he knew of a book, or something, I could pass along to Anth (he has a Bible already).  Bob directed me to Derek Steele, his website, video, and the book "Addict at Ten".

Watch this short clip, it will remind you that not all addicts end up in and out of prison, homeless or worse.



Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

never ending cycle

I suffer from depression so I know that horrible feeling of "is life even worth living?".  To be honest, I had it today.  And now that I am on the other side I can tell you exactly what was going on:

A week ago I ran out of Welbutrin and was a few days late in getting it filled.  I NEVER do that.  But I did.  It didn't seem to affect me, I considered just not taking it anymore.  But I remembered all to clearly what happened the last time I thought I was "fine" and no longer needed it.  It was 12/24/07 and I had been off of it for a month or so.  I was so depressed I thought the only way to feel better would be to end it (at that time I had guns in the house, to me if you really want to die, you better make sure you do it right).

Anyhow, on that afternoon, my logical self knew that these feelings were a direct result of quitting one of my meds.  I did not really want to die!!!   So I pulled over on the side of the road and called a friend.  I told him (through hysterical tears) what was going on so he could talk me out of it.  He threatened to call my family and the cops which scared me straight so to speak....I immediately drove to the pharmacy and got my refills and started taking the Welbutrin again.  It took a few days to get back in my system.  I promised myself I would never stop taking them and accepted that I needed to use them for LIFE (in more ways than one).


So long story short, today as I sat here crying and experiencing my physical pains and ailments (which I wont bore you with) I realized that it had been over a week.  I needed to get that stuff back in my system. So I did, and hopefully I have learned my lesson.  I am still depressed, but I will get through it like I always do.


Most heroin addicts I've known, when trying to quit, wonder if life is even worth it?  And some of them have lost their "logical self" to the addiction.  


They ask = Is it worth feeling so horrible, depressed, sick, etc. etc. just to get to other side of the addiction only to keep wishing I could use?  What's waiting on the other side but a lifetime of fighting the dragon - it never really goes away.  I think wrote here recently about my friend who has gone for 8 years then used for a week, then went 5 years, then used, then went another 6 years....well he's in prison again right now.  He's in his 50's.  This stuff has ruined his life.  He spent his 20's being an addict then his 30's - 50's fighting and losing and fighting and losing the never ending battle.


I know this sounds discouraging...it is.  It kills me to read about your children who have been doing this for 4, 8, 10 years.....it never seems to end and its not really their fault...they didn't ask for this, they made s some very poor choices that got them sucked into it.


I know Keven struggles daily.  I see the depression he goes through (on meds).  I see how bleak his future looks to him sometimes when he thinks "I am going to have to fight this the rest of my life".  I can list for him all the things he has going for him - but its that one ugly, horrible, evil beast that is always lingering on his mind, tempting  him, whispering "I can make all your troubles go away....".  Such a damn lie, and thankfully he has enough time away from it to know that.....  But so did my friend Jon (the one I just wrote about above).


It makes me feel like my depressions is petty.  Its small compared to what these addicts go through.  Its so easy to be angry at them and blame them.  And there is no doubt that sometimes the ONLY thing left to do is to cut ourselves off from them or we are being owned by the beast vicariously.  It can devour an entire family so easily.  Its not fair that we have to fight so hard against someone else's beast - but they say life is not about fairness.


I don't know if there is a point in here, maybe this is just me venting, getting it out.  Either way I am reading blogs and hating heroin and praying for all of us.


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Two Blog Posts to Check Out...

Do you all know Josh?  He's a young man who's a recovering addict and his blog is called "Diving into the Mind of an Addict".  He's got a post over there today called "Letter from Addiction".

Also, he's been a help to me in understand Keven and how the mind of a 19 year old male works.  It got me thinking today about all the people I've met over the last six years of blogging and how much love and support I've received.

Even though I have written here at this blog for the least amount of time, its brought the most comfort to me.  Thanks to all of you.  I wrote about it on my other blog today (if interested see sidebar under WFIO).

Hope we all have a good weekend.

Keven seems a bit better today.  He's at a meeting right now, had PO apt. this morning and meets with his "mentor" (a guy we used to go to church with) this evening.  He's also going to do homework, work out and do some chores for his grandma.  Being busy is key!

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Update - and THANK YOU

Everyone who reads and comments here:  THANK YOU for your support and concern on my last post.  Last night I was a wreck.  Today is a new day and Keven and I have both been busy, in fact I haven't even seen him today (but talked to him on the phone).  I was at work all morning then by the time I got back here he was at a dr. apt.

I wish I could respond to each comment individually but now that I am (gratefully and happily) working again I don't have the time, but will TRY, because it means a lot to me to keep this a two way conversation.

Here is some more info:

Most importantly, Keven has not been using.  I know this because he's drug tested twice weekly (Monday and Thursday).  It would be impossible, if he uses Fri - Sun it would show up Mon, if he used Mon - Wed it would show up Thurs.  His PO tests him, not me, so its a good, real non-fakable test where he's observed.  (thank God).

Second, I said "CO2" yesterday but what I meant was Nitrous Oxicide, it looks like those CO2 cylinder's but its not the same.  Ugh, its  very dangerous.

Lastly, I don't know what else to say at the moment.  We're taking it one minute at a time and I am waiting for him to get home and tell me what his psych. said.  I really love his doctor, he counsels him and is considered an expert in his field, we are lucky.

Of course his dr. is in Santa Ana (drug buying area), so are most of his meetings.  Ironic how the good and the bad reside so close to each other.

I'll let you know what happens next....thank you for caring and praying!!!!  We need it!

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

He almost used (with update)

I am still kind of shaken up so this will be short.


I had a feeling Keven was up to something.  He and his girlfriend were in his room.  I knocked and walked in and saw the look of anger on his face and said "I haven't seen that look since you used to get high".


As soon as the words left my mouth my heart dropped to my stomach.


WHAT ARE YOU DOING?


Nothing


YES YOU ARE!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!


I looked at is bed and saw CO2 cylinders and balloons.


He said he couldn't take it and needed something to get by but didn't want to use drugs so this was an alternative.  He cried.  I cried.  We talked.  He's going in to see his Dr. tomorrow.  He says its been building for days. He considered doing heroin but decided he didn't want to lose everything.


I am assuming he's telling the truth and has not used anything else.


I'm sad and scared and worried...again...its been a nice break from feeling this way but I guess its over.


UPDATE:
Had a good talk with him and his gf for about half an hour.  Its amazing how tight my chest is - you know that horrible feeling like something is sitting on top of your chest and you can't breathe?


Anyhow, he's glad I caught him.  He knows he needs to figure some things out so it won't happen again.  I thought he handled things in court well today (ha, I was wrong).  I think it will be okay....4 months and he will have year clean.  I know that doesn't really "mean" anything but he wants it bad.  He wants to say "a year".  I think he'll be able to...


He said he's not suicidal but if he can't help himself he may have himself admitted on a 5150.  


They only used one cylinder and he gave me the all the stuff so I could toss it.  He doesn't consider this a relapse.  I told him I would not call his PO this time but next time I will.  


How should I handle this?
I don't want him to be alone but I have to go to work tomorrow....




Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

No Phase Three Yet

Kev did not advance today as expected because he was missing several NA meetings.  Therefore Phase Three eligibility has been pushed back for two more months.

The Positive:

He understands and accepts this


The Negative:

There is no negative, this is the consequence for not following through



Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Phase Three Tomorrow!

Tomorrow Keven goes to court and will graduate to Phase III of the program.  It will be interesting to hear the little speech he gives to the judge on why he thinks he's ready (which is a technicality, he already knows its going to happen).

Here is a link to an audio on Judge L. (don't want to put her name on my blog) from Recovery Court.  I have so much admiration for this woman!  This was filmed back in 2005 right before the actual program started.  I think I will write the Tavis Smiley show and request that they do a follow up interview with her.  These opportunities need to be give to more people.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

War On Drugs

The following was written by a friend of mine who lives in a different country. The problems we have here in the USA are similar around the world. Its obvious that the drug problems are getting worse, not better. 

There is no easy solution but something has to change. I did a post here before about how educating young children about the dangers of drug abuse has not helped, and for some (my son included) was the beginning of an intense curiosity about drugs.

The main point I agree with that my friend makes below is "we need to spend the money we are spending on the war against drugs on treatment facilities and programs for those people that need it."  

I don't agree with every single point he made here, (I'm not ready to legalize all drugs but definitely to legalize marijuana).  I am still processing some of this, (sometimes I have to think about something for days in order to look at if from all possible angles).  A lot of this  goes right along with the changes that are being proposed here in the US by Senator Jim Webb and I support the changes he's trying to make.  

I know that my son is doing well today mostly because he was one of the few that was chosen for a special program that actually helped him rather than putting him in an endless cycle of incarceration.  Sending someone from from jail to the streets, and back to jail, with a few trips to the ER in between doesn't seem to serve many well.  Its an endless cycle that leaves a person feeling worthless and hopeless.  Anthony is the perfect example of this method of "treatment" which obviously doesn't help many addicts.  If a trip to jail, or two or three, made a difference there would be a decrease in drug abuse, not an increase.

Here are the thoughts of my friend.  I'd like to hear what you think about this:

War, what is it good for?

The War on drugs has failed. I believe this statement to be true and so does a group called L.E.A.P. (law enforcement against prohibition). A group of police and criminal justice workers, judges and the like, retired and still working that also believe this. The war on drugs has created a black market that is in dire need of regulation. Drug users and petty criminals who have tried and failed to fund their habits are being put in jail. There is not enough money in the sector to help those who need treatment.

Through the ages people find ways to get high, and whether drugs are legal or not people are going to use them. Some people believe that if there weren't any drugs that no one would use them, while other people believe that if there were more drugs then more people would use them. People are using, that's just it. Drugs are now readily available to anyone who wants them.

We need to spend the money we are spending on the war against drugs on treatment facilities and programs for those people that need it. Channeling the money into the health sector where many of the users end up anyway would support a system that is currently buckling under the strain. At the moment this sector is under funded, and cannot offer its clients the services they require. If the services were better more people would sustain prolonged periods of recovery.

We as a society need to get this issue, these problems, out in the open. The Government using mass education through the media needs to get the message out. Education is the key. The more we talk, the more we know. One drink won't kill Grandpa, one hundred will, it may sound simple and it’s something we understand. Drugs are the same. People need to talk about this. Everyone enters the social forum. We see that yes, there are underlying reasons why most people consume excessive drugs, but I believe people will be more inclined to seek the treatment if there is less shame attached. People shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for wanting to feel better about them selves. people can make their own informed decisions and this is I believe an important element in ones personal road to recovery from addiction.

If a person uses drugs I would like to think that they can get what they want / need at affordable prices just like other medications and that there is treatment available if they need it and that these issues are out in the open so that people (mainstream society / users alike) are aware of the benefits and dangers. That's the kind of community I want to live in.

I don't want to live in a world where people pay exorbitant prices for the drugs they use, or where a user has to buy drugs illegally in the street and then use alone. Where a drug user gets treated like a criminal, arrested and locked up. Where there are no available treatment options for the drug user or the waiting lists are too long. Finally, I don't want to live in a world where no one is talking about these social / health issues and the drug user can feel cut off, stigmatized or isolated.

One blog that I highly recommend if you are interested in seeing a change drug policies is:

Dad On Fire

Here is a letter he wrote, “A big part of my concern is a costly prison system, where SUD/MH(Substance use disorder/ mental health) gets little or no address, which with screening could be a good place to start treatment for jail bound addicts. Here’s what I see...

You can read the rest here:

Treatment for Jail Bound Addicts

Sleepless Night

I have always struggled with insomnia, but I have not lost sleep over Keven since August 19, 2009 because I've known where he was and what he was doing every day since that date.

Well, last night he chose to stay at his girlfriend's house all night.  This is a direct violation of probation (Hey, Officer GW are you reading my blog?  If so Keven is busted!  Come and get him!).

Apparently he told me at 11:30 pm (I was in bed half asleep at the time) that he was going over there and that it would be cool since it was only 1 minutes from our house so if Officer GW (his PO) showed up, he could come right home.  Um, I don't think it works that way.

I dozed in and out of sleep and my sister came in and woke me at 1 to tell me he was not home.  I said I knew and didn't care, it was his problem.  I also was pretty sure that no one would show up looking for him since they'd done a curfew check the night before.

So I tossed and turned until 3 am thinking "he's in Santa Ana, he's doing drugs, he OD'd, he's dead".  I got in my car (in my jammies) and drove the one minute to his gf's house and sure enough his car was there.  So I went home and tossed and turned till he came home at 8 am.  He didn't look like he'd been doing any drugs, I sure hope not.

He is dating a girl that he's known for years (since Jr. High) and up until a month ago they were just friends.  I like this girl, she's very friendly and polite and sweet (in front of me).  Its much better than when he was involved with the 27 y.o. with three kids that he met at PH.  The other day he mentioned that this is the first time he's had a relationship sober and so he's enjoying all aspects of it.  I didn't respond.  He's had all the lectures on that topic.

Ugh.  I am not going to live like this so he better not do it again.  I have GW on speed dial and am not afraid to hit that button if I need to.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Got another letter from Ant today, this one was very positive.

Ant will be transferred out of Chino into a "main line prison" which means a lot more freedom and a lot more access to drugs.  He said its easier to get heroin in there than on the streets.  THAT IS JUST WRONG!  HOW CAN THE PRISON GUARDS NOT FIGURE THIS OUT?  DO THEY EVEN CARE?

He's lost 10 lbs cause they feed them like they are "Kindergarteners".

Which reminds me, they get creative in there on making food into "meals"

How to Make "Orange Chicken" in prison:

In Styrofoam cup mix chicken nuggest, orange marmalade, dry lemondade mix and crunched up pork rinds.  Cover in hot water and stir.

He also takes "birdbaths" cause they don't get to shower often.  I don't think I could survive so I plan on staying on this side of the law!

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Don't Lose Hope for Your Addict....

I just feel compelled to say that there is hope no matter how bleak or scary the situation seems today.


Some of you may not have been around during the agonizing days of despair when I didn't know if my son would live or die.  I've been there.  Oh dear God I've been there - its the worst place I have ever been.  I know that feeling that your guts are being ripped out, that your heart literally aches, that you feel completely helpless and have no idea what to do to help.  I remember knowing I could not help - it was OUT OF MY CONTROL and how that was sort of like spinning down into a dark hole, alone.


I remember the anger.  I even remember (this is hard to admit but I will say it anyhow) thinking it would be better if he just died and got it over with because seeing him half dead and endangering his life was too much to bear.  And he was so young.  Just turned 18 when all this really hit the fan.


BUT....today he's doing good.  It can get better.  I was told the odds were against him, I was sad and afraid when I read of others who stayed in this lifestyle for years.  But you NEVER KNOW what one thing will happen to change their path.


And of course - he could fall right back there at any second.  I know that but don't focus on it.


Something could happen tomorrow to be the turning point for your child.   For Keven it was jail/rehab/medication.  Lisa C's son, Bryan, is going great because after several rehabs the right one really helped him!


I don't know if these words help or not.  I can remember feeling angry when people told me to have hope.  I honestly lost it a few times and was ready to give up.  And even if I would have given up hope, I think he still would have found the path to the OC Jail!  Which crazy as it sounds, I am grateful for!


I am hoping that his third time in Chino prison does the trick for Anthony.


We all make mistakes as parents, but its NOT our fault.  We love our kids.  If we didn't - we would not feel this way.


Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara

Tears

Good thing I didn't bother with mascara today!

I just left a comment for Her Big Sad saying I'd been crying for the last hour as I read blogs and experience hope, despair, fear, love...and then I got a letter from Anthony.

His letter broke the floodgates and I cried like I haven't cried in months.  My anger at him dissipated a few weeks ago.  I got a letter from him last week and wrote to tell him that I was not mad, just sad (my new mantra for him and Kelly).

The letter he wrote ripped my heart.  First of all he started it out with "Dear Mommy", not as a ploy to get to me emotionally, but because he has a scared little boy inside and I am the mom he never had.  His mom wasn't capable of loving him, teaching him right from wrong, comforting him.  I wish I would have met him when he was 12 years old, maybe I could have raised him and Keven as brothers and kept them both away from drugs.... (wish in one hand and spit in the other* - that's what my grandpa would of said to that statement!)

Anyhow, his letter was intense.  He's in there for at least 10 months unless  he can get a work program, even then he will be in until October.  He was very upset to hear about Kelly's OD, car crash, etc.  He asked me to please say to her all the things I said to him last time he was in jail (which obviously didn't help him....)

The psychiatrist in there things he's Bi-Polar and has him on some meds but they aren't helping him.  He can't control his mood swings. He's going nuts in there this time.

Of course he said all the usual stuff about never using again...I let that go in one ear and out the other.  But I want to believe it.  I've been missing him so much but am so glad he is in there.

He says there is heroin everywhere in there and he is saying NO to it.  Pretty sad that its so easy to get inside a prison, but that's how it is I guess.

He also said Keven is his idol right now.  I wish Keven would give him the time of day and at least write  him a note, but he wants nothing to do with him.  I respect that, yet it makes me sad for Ant.

Last night we had a good chat on junkjunk.  I know a lot of us have Peggy on our minds today.  If you haven't been to her blog yet today stop by there and read her amazing tribute to her daughter, Hayley, who is 31 years old today.

* I think this means that to "wish" for something is a waste of time, but I never really got the "spit" part.

Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara